Hijikata and Okita stared at each other, each waiting for the other to open the door. The contest to decide who was going to open the door was silently decided to be a staring contest. Of course I won (just kidding, I happen to not be a character in Gintama). Actually it was Okita who won, because Hijikata followed the rules of eye contact, and broke the tension be laughing nervously. (By the way, never have a staring contest with a cat, the don't have to blink for over an hour straight and the don't smile.)

So Hijikata opened the door and it opened into a large hall, where tons of various men had gathered. Most of these men had strange, kinda womanly haircuts and wore tight pants (that were found in the women's section at the store).

With this being as it is, Hijikata and Okita wandered over to a corner where none of these strange being resided.

"Wow, Hijikata-san," Okita muttered, "I thought you were a freak."

"Oi!" Hijikata exclaimed, "You damn brat!"

The crowd then turned to look at both Hijikata and Okita, who retreated back farther into the shadows of their special corner. But it obviously wasn't enough, because on of the men started to walk towards them.

"Hi!" the man exclaimed, in an even more girly voice than your average gay man, "My name is Silvio! Are you guys new here?"

Now Okita was never really taught the art of politeness, and when people tried he just ignored them, so when he was unsure of the sex of this person, he proceeded to stick his hands up Silvio's shirt. Now Hijikata was equally curious, so he didn't bother to stop Okita.

"W-What are you doing?!" Silvio exclaimed.

Okita took his hands out of Silvio's shirt, and turned to Hijikata, "Strange Hijikata. There are no breasts whatsoever. She must be extremely flat-chested."

"Check the crotch," Hijikata responded.

"You do it. I checked the boobs."

Just at that moment a slightly huge and muscley man strutted over to them and put his hands on the now sobbing Silvio's shoulder, "Oi, what's wrong honey?"

It was quite obvious that this question was not directed towards Okita, but he answered anyway, "We are unsure of its gender."

"T-They touched me in strange places!" Silvio cried.

Then slightly huge and muscley boyfriend, turned to Okita with an evil expression, and cracked his knuckles, "How dare you make my boyfriend."

Okita just stared at him blankly as the man propelled his fist at Okita's face. When his fist was right in front of Okita's face, Okita simply caught it and stared to flip him back and fourth, each time the man hitting the floor each time. Okita did this for about a minute then let go of the man, who then ran away with his boyfriend.

"These people are pansies," Okita said to Hijikata.

"No, you're just an obnoxiously reflexed freak," Hijikata responded.

"Hijikata-san?"

"What?"

Okita then slashed out at the Hijikata, who barely was able to dodge the blade.

"What the hell was that for?!" Hijikata exclaimed.

"I saw a fly on your heart, let me get it for you."

"You asshole!" Hijikata exclaimed.

Suddenly a the big booming voice of a middle-aged balding man filled the hall, "Welcome all! I am Yoai-sensei, here to help you channel the wonderful feelings of gay love! If you all will line up with your partners, then we will progress to our first activity: finding dominance!"

Well all the couples lined up, just as Yoai-sensei had told them, and it eventually was Hijikata and Okita's turn to go into the strange room where Sensei was evaluating the couples.

"Alright," Yoai-sensei smiled as Hijikata and Okita stared blankly at him, "Which one of you is the dominant male in the relationship?"

Hijikata and Okita stared at each other before they both stated, "Me." Then realizing what the had both said, they glared at each other in a silent argument.

"Calm down boys," Yoai-sensei responded, "There is an easy way to establish dominance."

"And what is it?" Hijikata asked.

"You guys engage in a passionate makeout fest. The one who breaks free from the kiss first not the dominant one."

"Does that really work?" Hijikata asked.

"It's worked every time."

Hijikata and Okita stared at each other. They were here to find terrorists, not to have makeout parties to decide dominance. But having to go along with it, they slowly inched closer to each other and their lips embraced. But after a few seconds it got a lot more violent. In the fight to gain dominance, they were pushing each other wildly, trying to get the other to give up. But eventually it was Hijikata who broke the kiss, holding his mouth.

"He bit my tongue!" Hijikata exclaimed, his mouth starting to drip blood.

"Hijikata-san," Okita responded, "That's only because you put in down my throat. Also, you're breath smells like mayo."

"You little bastard!"

"You're just mad because I'm dominant!"

"Well, the answer to dominance is clear," Yoai-sensei responded, "You, ape with the black hair.

"Eh?" Okita asked, twirling a lock of his brown hair in front of his face, "No, my hair is brown. Not black. Brown."

"Well, that's because you are not the dominant one," Yoai-sensei explained.

"What are you talking about?!" Okita exclaimed, while Hijikata smiled in the background, "He's the one who broke the kiss!"

"Only kids bite tongues."

Okita's hand shot to his sword, but Hijikata stopped him. Yoai-sensei seemed somewhat surprised by this movement, so Hijikata took it upon himself to lie, "I'm sorry, Sougo-kun has been experiencing some pain in his hips lately, so sometimes his hands just shoot to the side, it's not like he wants to pull out his sword or anything." Hijikata laughed nervously, while jabbing Okita in the side, which told him to go along with it."

Okita let his eyes swell up with tears, "Yes, I'm sorry. Hijikata-san has just been so hard in bed, I guess my body can't take it." Yoai-sensei had a comforting stare while Hijikata had the stare that your parents give you that says 'oh, so the lawn-mower just started itself and decided to run over the neighbors dog'. "I have bruises all over my neck too. He's…just…so…rough." Okita pulled down the collar of his shirt to show the yellowish bruises.

Hijikata, while wondering how the heck Okita got those bruises, had just about enough, so pulling Okita along with him, he exited the door, saying, "Ah, well you better get onto the next group."

Soon enough Hijikata had pulled Okita to their special corner.

"Oi," Okita complained, "Stop yanking my hair, it's going to come out!"

Hijikata assumed the angry-mother position, "Where the hell did you get those hickeys?! Didn't I teach you better than to sell your body?!"

Okita stared at Hijikata blankly, before saying, "They aren't hickeys."

"Then what are they?! Don't you lie to me!"

"Well, you see, I got this new paintball gun and I really wanted to test it out on someone," Okita explained, "And since you were gone, and Kondo banned me from shooting at any of the Shinsemgumi noobs, so I just tried it out on myself."

Hijikata stared at Okita for a few seconds before saying, "You shot yourself in the neck with a paintball gun point-blank, just because you wanted to test it out?! How stupid can you get?!"

"I thought it was a good idea at the time," Okita responded, pulling down his collar to show four more of the bruises, "I didn't feel the pain at first, so I tried again. It was then that I realized that the pain comes after a few seconds."

Hijikata stared blankly.

"But then Kondo came in," Okita continued explaining, "And since the paintballs were red, he thought I was trying to commit suicide, so I got the suicide-and-how-it's-bad-for-you lecture, when I wasn't even trying to commit suicide. Life can be a bitch. You understand, right Hijikata-san?"

"How the hell would I understand a crack story like that?!" Hijikata exclaimed, "Who would be stupid enough to shot themselves point-blank five times in the neck with a paintball gun?! And who uses red paintballs?! It's obvious that someone could mistake them for blood!"

"Then why do they sell them, Hijikata-san?"

Hijikata drew a blank. He didn't know how to answer that question.

"That's what I thought."

"Alright men," Yoai-sensei said from the microphone, "It's time to go into the next stage of relationships: sex!"

Well what he meant by this is that the couples got their own room and that he would be watching them on hidden cameras and if they were not doing good enough or not doing anything at all, he would…make sure that they did (what ever that meant). So, naturally, Hijikata and Okita were stuck in a room together.

"So…" Hijikata blushed, "Should we…"

Okita stared at Hijikata with a disgusted look on his face, "You actually want to do it with me, don't you?! You sick bastard! I'm telling child services!"

"You damn brat!" Hijikata exclaimed, "I'm moving to the left side of the room!"

Okita stared at Hijikata, "That's the right side. That's the second time you've mistaken it. Go back to kindergarten!"

But suddenly the room temperature started to drop at a very quick (like me on the track if you put a Twinkie in front of my face) rate.

"Oi, Sougo," Hijikata said, "Did you leave your heart out, because it's getting really cold in here."

"I see what you mean," Okita responded, "But I don't think that it's my heart, I think that you left out your sense of humor."

"You little bastard!"

"It's obvious that Yoai-sensei, kinda ironic name huh, is probably watching us and he wants us to at least cuddle to get warm."

"So…" Hijikata blushed. "Should we…"

Okita stared at Hijikata with another disgusted look on his face, "You just really want to touch me don't you, child molester? No, we are not cuddling, if you want to cuddle, cuddle the drywall."

"No!" Hijikata exclaimed, pulling out one of his many bottles of mayonnaise, "I'm gonna cuddle with the mayonnaise, because its not being an unreasonable cold-hearted bastard!"

"Glad to know that you praise me so," Okita responded, smiling at his awesome improved rhyme.

After a few minutes of Hijikata cuddling mayonnaise and the temperate dropping constantly, a smoke started to come out of the air ventilations system up by the roof.

"Oi, Hijikata-san," Okita responded, "What's that?"

Hijikata sniffed the air, "It's pot."

"That bastard's trying to get us high!" Okita exclaimed, "Well it's too bad that I've smoked almost all the pot that we collect in the evidence room, so I'm basically immune to it."

Hijikata glared at Okita, "I've been looking for that pot for ten weeks so that we could put that drug dealer in prison!"

"Sucks for you."

There were a few moments of silence before Hijikata started to act really weird, "Oi Sougo, do you see the magical talking lollipop?"

Okita stared at Hijikata blankly, realizing that Hijikata was starting to get high, "Yes, yes I do see the magical talking lollipop."

"Okay." Hijikata then started to rock back and forth humming The Good Ship Lollipop song. Okita simply scooted farther away from him.

This is when Okita realized that there was a mini fridge right in the corner of the room. He opened the door (as Hijikata started to incorporate his own dance to the song) and it was full of alcohol.

"That bastard is trying to get us drunk!" Okita exclaimed, "I am a minor. I shall not drink alcohol." Okita stared at the fridge's contents. "Even though I've always wanted to…and I want to know what it tastes like…and…"

Okita was just about to reach for a bottle when Hijikata stopped him.

"Oi!" Hijikata exclaimed, "What do you think you're doing?!"

"Hijikata-san, you're high. No acting normal allowed." Okita responded.

"The smoke stopped in the twenty minutes that you were debating with yourself about taking the alcohol," Hijikata explained, "I'm not high, I'm just stoned."

"Does that mean I get to throw stones at you?"

"No, I don't believe it does." Hijikata muttered, before leaning his head onto Okita's shoulder.

"Oi!" Okita exclaimed, "What do you think you're doing?!"

"I'm tired."

Okita then shoved Hijikata off him.

"Oi!" Hijikata exclaimed, "That hurt!" Okita then proceeded to lean his head on Hijikata's shoulder. "What do you think you're doing?"

"I'm tired, and I'm cute," Okita explained, "That gives me all the more reason to lay on your shoulder. Plus you're dominant, meaning that you have to support me."

"That's not fair!"

"Tough."

Hijikata then shoved Okita off of him. "You don't get to lay on my shoulder, if I don't get to lay on yours! I'm going to going sleep in the right/left corner with my mayonnaise."

"That's not a thing people usually want to admit."

"Shut up," Hijikata muttered falling asleep with his mayonnaise.

Hijikata was just in the middle of a (not so) important dream about a mystical dragon-fairy taking him to the wonderful kingdom of mayonnaise when he felt something touch his leg and heard quiet breathing. He opened his eyes to see that his mayonnaise was missing and Okita was kneeling over top of him, with rosy cheeks and a sick smile on his face.

"Hijikata-san looks so cute when he's sleeping," Okita smiled, his face nearing Hijikata's, "It just makes me want to…punish you!"

Hijikata was, of course, extremely surprised about this, his cheeks turning the color of a nice and sweet, ready-to-eat cherry tomato. This was out of Okita's character and he didn't know what caused it. Hijikata then looked over in the corner, by the mini fridge, and saw that a large amount of the bottles had just got their bodily fluids. Great. Now there was a drunken sadist on top of him. He'd just have to calm down and…enjoy it.

Author: Ah yes, drunken love. It is one of the best forms of love because if the sex you gave out was bad, then the other person just forgets what happened. Kinda like when I throw rocks at children's heads. Fun can come in some demonic, un-politically correct packages.

P.S. I do not own Gintama, if I did Sadaharu would be a flying Anteater named Hamburger.