The black beast whinnied, but it was far from a happy horse knicker. It was low in the throat and gravely, like a cement mixer growling. Its red eyes rolled madly in its head and foam frothed at the lips. Taking up his wicked blade in his right hand, the headless rider cackled, swinging the sword madly.
"Why couldn't Ghostbusters have been a Disney movie?" Jake moaned.
"Well, we gotta call someone else!" Liberty snapped as they began backing up.
But as Liberty continued to search for a way out, Jake stopped. A light bulb seemed to go off over his mop top head. "We shouldn't be scared of no ghosts!" he declared, grinning.
"What are you, delusional?"
"No! I mean, remember the movie?"
"Yeah, but, what's that—"
"This isn't the headless horseman!" Jake gestured, scoffing.
The horse suddenly stopped, swiveling his ears back with little snorts. Rolling his eyes back, he looked up at his master. The horseman, remaining silent, paused as if waiting for the skipper's reasoning. Putting the sword back into its holster, he waited, arms crossed and fingers tapping out a steady, quiet beat on his arm.
"Yeah!" Jake babbled, putting his train of thought on a track. "Look how cheesy that costume is! It's just Brom! Remember? He dressed up as the horseman to scare poor Ichabod!" Staring the horseman in the general area where his eyes would have been, he pointed and snarled, "The jig is up, Bones! You don't frighten us! Who do you think we are, a couple of your dumb, hick buddies?"
A baritone voice drawled from somewhere on their left, "Aw, y'all found me out! Shucks, I was hopin' to spook some Cast Members, and dagblummit, I finally get the chance, and you done figured it out 'afore I could even make my entrance!" Stepping out from behind the bushes, the strapping, buff Brom Bones dejectedly took the jack-o-lantern off of his head. "And I do take offense, sir! Just because my buddies and I were raised on farms does not mean we are intellectually challenged!"
Liberty's jaw dropped. "Oh, that's not good!" she moaned, putting her face in her palm.
Head whipping back and forth from one Character to the other in sheer bewilderment, Jake whimpered, "But…Uh…Brom… If you're over there…" He pointed. "And the horseman is over here…" He pointed dumbly again. "And Miami, party capitol of the U. S. is somewhere in this general region of the Sun Shine State…" He jerked his thumb behind him. "Then who is…" Paling, he muttered, "Oh crud. Mr. Horseman," he giggled nervously. "I hope you're not angry about that dumb 'cheesy' comment, 'cause, uh, looking now you look just…fantastic, really! It was just a trick of the light, ya know?"
The horseman tore out his sword once more, raised it high and laughed a bone-chilling laugh that echoed into the night, sending squirrels, bunnies, and other park wildlife, scampering for cover. The massive stallion reared up, its unearthly cries making Liberty, Jake, and even Brom bolt.
"Yeah, I'd say he's mad!" Liberty shot at Jake.
"Look at it this way," Jake replied optimistically, "we're at an advantage!"
"Oh yeah? How?"
"He has no head. So he has no eyes! We just… RUN LIKE CRAZY FROM THE BLIND MAN!"
Brom, running in between them, laughed, "Ain't gotta outrun the horseman, boy," he wisely told Jake. "Just gotta outrun you!" Holding his hand out to Liberty, he smugly asked, "Would the pretty little lady like me to whisk her away from this horrible monster? I'm sure this cretin is just after your dull witted friend."
"Dull witted?" Jake cried. "This comes from the guy who thinks churning butter is a sport! 'Oh, lookit me!'" he drawled. "'My hair is silky and shiny and flows in the wind!'"
Imitating his twang, Liberty gushed, "Why I would love to accompany you, Brom!" She didn't even look at Jake, whose expression was nothing but hurt and anguish. Clasping Bones' hand with both of hers, she grasped him tightly.
"You've got a mighty grip there, darlin'!"
"That I do!" she replied. Then she spun and shoved him, pushing him back into the horseman. Plowing into the malicious ghost, the jock got a good trampling and sent the stallion into a stumble.
Eyes wide and mouth agape, Jake turned to Liberty. For once, he was at a loss for a smart comment. "Have I told you just how awesome you are?" he breathed.
"Today? Or just in general?" she joked coolly. But had it been brighter out, her blush would have been evident.
Looking back, she noticed the horse was untangling its legs from around the battered Brom Bones. The headless Hessian dug his spurs into the stallion's side, urging him up.
"Let's save the compliments for a better time!" Grabbing Jake's hand, she ran with him down the street.
The flapping of huge, tattered, bat like wings echoed above Frankie and Isaac. Although they were blind in the darkness, their other senses were on hyper alert. Together, they made a mad dash for the stairs, feeling what had to be the tips of claws brushing against the top of their heads.
Once it grasped at them and they ducked out of the way. They could feel the bursts of air from its leathery wings as it shot up again, preparing to take another dive at the teenagers.
Isaac's toes hit the middle of the bottom step and he fell, hitting the cement hard with his chin. "Ow! Sonovabith! I bith my thung!" There was a nearby smack, but he ignored it. Chest and chin stinging, he pushed himself up and bounded up the stairs, pulling himself along with the handrail. Panting, he got to the door and grabbed the handle.
But he couldn't turn it.
Frankie… He turned and waved his arm in the air next to him. She hadn't kept up! Where was she?!
From the bottom of the steps, he heard a soft moan, and a quiet, "Oww…" Then he remembered the smacking sound he had heard after he fell.
She'd tripped over him! She'd tripped on him and he'd kept running!
"Frankie!" he hissed. "Get up here!"
Bouncing from foot to foot, he listened for her footsteps, hand still tightly holding the doorknob. He was so close to being out of there! What if he just left? She'd be all right, right? He could come back with help. And if the alien flew out, then all the better. Everyone else would have to deal with it. It was Disney's problem they had that menace, not his!
"Hey, you're not just going to let her die, are you?"
"Huh?" Looking to his left, he saw a little glowing being, a tiny version of him in a white robe, holding a golden harp. Tiny feathery wings twitched in agitation. "Holy conscience cliché, Batman!"
"Don't try to use outdated comic book talk on me! You and I need to have a little heart to heart!" The angel smacked Isaac's cheek with his harp.
"Uhh…" Frantically, the Cast Member wondered how this was even possible. Then he remembered he was in a Disney theme park where the robots and cartoon characters were coming to life and he was on a quest to find a magical scroll the save the world from some unknown evil. Oh, and he was apparently a wizard or something. In that light, a couple of physical manifestations of his subconscious—particularly a cliché Disney had used who knew how many times--were perfectly reasonable, even if they were annoying.
But that didn't mean he actually wanted anything to do with them. He sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "And cue our devil in three…two…one!"
In a puff of crimson smoke, an equally small devil, mini Isaac in a red leotard with horns, a spiked tail, and a pitchfork, appeared on his right. "Don't listen to him! He wants to lead you down the path of righteousness. I'm gonna lead you down the path that rocks!" He did the devil horns symbol with his hand, and then pretended to play his pitchfork like a guitar, tongue sticking out.
"This is sounding all too familiar…"
"I'll give you three reasons why you should just ditch 'er," continued the devil. "One, you could die if you don't leave. Two, it's not like she cares about you. None of these guys like you and you know it. Reason number three, look what I can do!" He held his left hand up, fingers straight up, and bent his pinky down. Not only could he do this without having to bend his ring finger, but then he flicked the tip of it with his right index finger, making the pinky flick up and down as if it didn't have any bones. "Ha ha!"
Isaac curled his lip. "But what does that have to do with any—"
The angel stared, transfixed. "Eww! That's really gross!" He flew over to the devil's shoulder and started trying to do the trick himself. When he failed, he kept flicking the devil's pinky. "Are you double jointed?"
Exhaling in exasperation, Isaac groaned, "You guys aren't helping. Just…be gone. Or however it is I get rid of you!"
"That'll work!" And with a cloud of blue and red smoke, they vanished.
With an inward groan, he gritted his jaw and jogged back down the stairs, careful not to fall.
From somewhere above him, he heard a WHOOSH! and then a screech as the alien dove down again. But this time, Isaac could hear it hiss in delight as it snatched a prize and hauled it up in the air with it.
"Frankie!" he cried.
"YEEAH-HA-HA-HA-HA!"
"You ever wonder how he laughs with no vocal chords?" asked Jake, joking despite having to pant heavily.
Liberty didn't have time to laugh as she searched for a place to go. "How do we ditch this dead man?"
"You're asking me? You're the history buff! But we need an idea soon! I don't know how much longer I can keep this up!"
Rushing into the outdoor dining area of the Columbia Harbour House, they dodged between chairs and ducked under tables. They crouched on the pavement, taking cover under a table. Taking a moment to catch their breaths as the horseman tried plow through the furniture, Liberty wracked her brain. What had happened in the story? Where did Ichabod go? He had to cross something…Cross…
Suddenly, she could hear the words of Brom Bones in her mind… "For once you cross that bridge my friend, the ghost is through! His power ends!"
"Bridge!" she blurted out. "The bridge! The Horseman can't cross the bridge! And running water! Evil spirits can't cross running water!"
"Heh, I hated baths too when I was little."
"You can still crack jokes at a time like this?" she snapped back.
"I can't help it!" cried Jake. "It's a compulsion!" Grabbing her shoulders, he screamed, "I have a condition!"
She slapped him. "You're going to have a condition called 'decapitation' if you don't get a grip!"
"I don't think I deserved that. What is it with redheads and slapping people?"
He hardly had time to rub his cheek before the tip of the horseman's blade was thrust through the tabletop. They scrambled out and ran again as the ghost struggled to pull out his sword. Trying to be helpful for once, Jake breathed, "All I can think of is Tom Sawyer's Island! But there's no way we can get down there!" Suddenly his eyes lit up. "There's the covered walkway between Liberty Square and Adventureland! It's practically a bridge! A bridge between lands!"
"Okay," she consented. "That could work. But what about running water?"
He grinned, as if he'd just thought up a brilliant joke. "The bathrooms are in there! Between those and the water fountains, there's got to be miles of pipes full of water under the ground!"
This time she was more skeptical at first. But she shrugged. She was willing to try just about anything at this point. "Sounds good."
They barely kept up ahead of the black stallion as they passed The Country Bear Jamboree. They could hear it snorting behind them as its breath rose from its nostrils in a supernatural steam. Its foul stench made the hairs on their necks rise.
As the demon rider raised his sword high, help came unexpectedly as Wendell poked his scruffy head out of Grizzly Hall. "What in tarnation is goin' on?" The little bear watched as the two humans ran past. "Now you spooks know you ain't 'sposed to go 'round chasin' folks and terrorizin' 'em! What do you think this is, Halloween Horror Nights?" With all the strength in his stubby, furry arm, he flung his mandolin and clocked the horseman on the hand, knocking the sword from his grasp.
"Thanks, El Kabong!" Jake waved.
"Y'all welcome!" Wendell called to the Cast Members. "I swear," he grumbled, retreating backstage. "I know there's nine hundred and ninety-nine of them, but Gracey needs to keep a handle on his crew! Heck, even us bears know better than to run out and try eatin' people!"
The headless Hessian didn't bother to grab his blade as he saw it clatter on the street. With a frustrated moan, he continued on. His momentary pause, however, had given Liberty and Jake the headway they needed. Taking a sharp left, they ran under the covered walkway next door to Grizzly Hall. Not stopping until they had passed the ATM, the bathrooms, and had touched down onto the pebble and tile dotted Adventureland walkway, they panted hard as their hearts pounded, drowning out the sound of the hoof beats.
Watching him as they caught their breath, they waited to see what he would do.
The horseman charged his horse forward, but it reared up, refusing to take one step onto the bridge. The steed nervously stepped back and forth. His master groaned in wordless rage.
Liberty laughed out of sheer exhaustion and relief. "Oh man. I almost thought we wouldn't make it."
Jake put a hand on her shoulder, grinning. "What? You didn't have any faith in me?" he asked sarcastically.
She smiled and opened her mouth to reply, but before she could get out any words, her eyes grew wide and her jaw hung open. She was watching the Headless Horseman. "Jake…"
Not seeing her, he turned to the horseman, and mocked, "What're you going to do now, tough guy? You ain't got jack—"
The ghost reached into his riding satchel and pulled out a pumpkin. As if by magic, it ignited in flame. Its grinning face glowed in the night.
"O lantern?" Jake squeaked.
"Jake! Duck!" she screamed and tackled him.
A flaming Jack-O-Lantern sailed over their heads before crashing into one of the Flying Carpets of Aladdin. They looked over at the little carousel, watching chunks of splattered pumpkin fall harmlessly to the ground.
"Take that, Dumbo 2.0!" Jake shouted, shaking a fist.
"HA-HA-HA-HA-HAA!" The malevolent ghost gave one final maniacal cackle before vanishing in a swirl of mist.
"Well, that was random." Jake grunted as Liberty helped him up. "You tackle like a linebacker."
"Sorry." The redhead brushed some dirt off his arms. "I don't think it was random. Something wants this as much as we do." She waved the scroll. "Which means Frankie and Isaac might be in trouble, too. Let's go find them and head out. I'd hate to run into something like that again, and you know this place will have its share of baddies." She shivered, although if it was from anxiety or chills, she didn't know.
Noticing her tremble, the skipper put an arm around her shoulder. "They're probably in Tomorrowland by now. We'll give them a call to make sure they're okay. I can't think of anything there that would hurt them."
Isaac stood, frozen in fear and bewilderment. Everything felt like it was moving in slow motion. His heart pounded and his breath came in deep, slow gasps. Nearby, he could hear the flapping of massive, leathery wings as it worked to make itself airborne with its new, heavy load. Hauling himself up using the handle of the stairwell, he brought himself about halfway up. Tensing his muscles, he moaned, "Why does the universe always pick on me, for the Force's sake! I'm not a bad person! Oh well, here goes nothing!" With a flying leap he launched his body over the railing and onto the back of the alien.
At first it bucked wildly like a bronco. The Cast Member held tight with one hand, grasping one of the monster's horns. The other arm waved uselessly in the air as he tried to squirm out of his backpack. It was hard work. The monster shrieked and screamed, flailing madly.
Bouncing up and down on the jagged spine, Isaac grimaced. "I wish I had a saddle!" he squeaked.
Clenching his knees tight around the alien's midsection, he reached into his backpack and pulled out his laptop. With a heavy sigh, he gave it one last forlorn look and kissed it. Then he held it high above his head and then brought it down hard on the creature's skull. It writhed in pain, flinging Isaac off and dropping Frankie.
"AIIGH!" Isaac smacked into the base of Skippy's tube.
"Izza irk?" the fuzzy alien asked, pressing his long-nosed face against the glass.
"Yeah, I'm okay," Isaac waved it off. With an urge from intuition, he ducked and rolled away to Frankie's side. A half of laptop crashed into Skippy's cage, creating a web of cracks that ran up like raindrops in reverse on a windshield. It splintered until a large, jagged piece broke off. Skippy jumped out of the hole and onto the control panel.
S. I. R. whirred and clicked in the darkness. "Get away, you fuzzy cretin!" He took a swipe at him, missing completely. Skippy jumped and bounced on the buttons and pulled levers, springing around frantically as he dodged S. I. R.'s grasp. With a grunt, he grabbed hold of one knob and pulled. Wheezing and rasping, he tugged and tugged. Then, exhausted, he collapsed on it. The knob pushed in and the lights turned on. Skippy looked around, grinning and pleased with himself.
"Good job, Skippy!" Isaac cheered.
Frankie opened her eyes. Squinting in the light, she moaned softly. "Oh, my head. I feel like I smacked it into a wall." She pushed herself up.
"It was a floor," Isaac told her helpfully. "Now quick, let's get out before—"
A pained shriek jolted them up. Behind them, the alien cowered in a corner, clutching its skull. Its wings beat and flapped, whipping up dust and debris. The force of it nearly knocked Isaac and Frankie off their feet. It screamed again, clawing at its own face.
"Great!" Isaac started to run back to the stairs. "C'mon, let's go!"
"No!"
He turned. "No? What do you mean, no! I knocked him senseless!" He laughed. With an audacity he wouldn't have had a minute ago, he strode towards the alien. "What's-a-matter, E. T.? Did you get beat by the puny Earthling?"
It turned its eyes to him and whimpered. As Isaac drew nearer, it hid behind its wings and cried again.
"Isaac!" Frankie grabbed his shoulder. "It's not…It's…" Helplessly, she sputtered, "Don't you know what that sound is?" The young man shook his head haltingly. Frankie knew the sound. It came in different voices, different pitches, different languages. On nights her parents fought the worst, she made that sound, cowering under her bed sheets, a flashlight in one hand with a plush Mickey tucked under her arm. "It's the sound of fear."
"But what does he have to be afraid of?" snapped Isaac. "What—what are you doing! Don't go near him!"
But by the time the words were out, Frankie was already beside the beast. It tried to hide itself behind its legs and wings, flinching pathetically like a kicked dog. She reached out a shaking hand and gently touched its head. Although it shut its eyes tightly, it didn't flinch.
Pain!
With a gasp, she yanked her arm back. "He—He talked!"
Isaac furrowed a brow and gave her an odd look. "I didn't hear anything."
"But he did!" Frankie asserted frantically. "He said, 'pain!' It was in my head!" she tapped her temple. "He must be tele…telepatho…Oh what's the word?"
S. I. R. spoke up from his desk. "Telepathic." He groaned. "Surely you humans have some knowledge of life forms from other worlds." When he was met with silence, he gave an annoyed groan. "Our friend here is from a species that communicates its thoughts through touch." His large, lower jaw hung down in a pout. "And he would have eaten you alive had the jolt to his brain not unscrambled his mind."
The teenagers gave him a blank stare.
S. I. R. sighed. "When our brute was teleported in, his mind was altered, making him confused, angry, and aggressive. Unfortunately, he is now quite himself again, and my fun is over." He crossed his arms and turned away with a huffy sigh.
"Your fun?" Isaac screamed. "We were nearly killed! Why did you do this? What purpose did it serve?"
Standing straight, hands behind his back, the robot sneered, "That information is classified!"
Frankie frowned and put her palm on the creature's shoulder. He nuzzled his forehead against her hip and purred. "You're working for somebody. Who is it?"
"Unauthorized access!" S. I. R. bellowed. "Immediate self shut down in pro-cess!" Ignoring protests from the Cast Members, his eyes dimmed and shut and his metal body went slack. They watched the gold and black android in the hopes he would whirr back to life. He didn't move. Skippy even clambered up on top of him and jumped up and down on his head.
With an affirmative nod, the little alien declared, "Izza-out coooold!"
"Someone set this up," Isaac mumbled. "S. I. R. didn't act on his own." He shifted his backpack, missing the weight of his computer. "My dad's gonna kill me. I'll have to pay for a whole new one myself. All those files I had saved…" He continued ranting on. When he took out his Mountain Dew for a sip, the soda sprayed everywhere. "And my drink's all shook up and—Ugh!—My hands'll be all sticky! For the love of Obi-Wan, can this night get worse!"
Frankie listened good-naturedly, letting him gripe. She was thinking of interrupting him to remind him they had to go, but then the giant bug put a claw very loosely around her arm. He wasn't going to snap it; he just wanted her to stay and listen.
Home! he pleaded. Please, I want to go home. It's painful here… I miss my mate, my young, my home! Please!
She nodded, pushing away the memories of the attack. As hideous as he was, with his bulging red eyes and dribbling jaw, he was no bloodthirsty monster. Well, not now anyway. "We'll send you home." She patted the top of his scaly head. A fleck of dead exoskeleton came off on her palm. Mustering a smile, she flailed her hand behind her until the bit of skin fell off.
"What?" Isaac interrupted himself. "What's the problem now?"
"He needs to get back to his planet," she explained, gesturing to the giant alien.
Isaac rolled his eyes. "Frankie, he was built for this show. He doesn't come from a real planet! He's just wires and gizmos!"
The alien snarled. Frankie kept him at bay with a soothing touch. "How can you be so ignorant?" Her sharp tone caught him by surprise. "Skippy risked his life to save us." Skippy stood proudly on his bottom two legs while the top four hands were braced on his sides in a Superman pose. "And this poor…thing is homesick."
When Isaac opened his mouth to argue, she continued. "I know it doesn't make much sense. At least, to me it doesn't. But these guys are alive. It's all real. He's real. And if he's real, then his planet must be too." She bit her bottom lip. "Please Isaac. Who's it going to hurt if we help?"
"Imagineering might be ticked their alien went missing." He sighed, unable to meet her gaze. "Fine. We'll get the teleportation tube working and send him back."
"Oh, thank you!" She lunged forward and hugged him.
Isaac stood stiffly, arms up, with a bewildered look on his face. "Uh, sure, you're welcome." After she let go, he went to the machine. With the exception of the gaping hole in the glass, it was intact. A rope of wires, he noted, were connected back into S. I. R.'s control panel. He slipped behind the desk. "Creepy, S. I. R. has no legs."
As Frankie and the aliens looked on anxiously, Isaac browsed through the buttons. Spotting a red one with "MAIN TELE." he mumbled, "Sounds right," and gave it a push.
Nothing happened.
"Poopie," he muttered. He jabbed it again and again and again. "Why isn't this working?"
Skippy bounded over to the machine and gave it a sniff. Then he hopped over to the wall. He picked up a fat, three-pronged plug and stuck it into a socket. After a flare of sparks and a sizzle of electricity, the teleportation device hummed to life.
Frankie scratched the fur behind Skippy's antennae. "Good boy! You're such a smarty!"
Skippy giggled and blushed. "Aww, shucks! Ishsa do mibest." He shuffled a foot.
On the control panel, a screen turned on. It was a green lined on black background grid. The shape of the tube was outlined on it. Coordinates appeared. Underneath them were numbers. 1:00. It ticked down to 0:59…then 0:58…0:57…
"You have less than a minute!" Isaac warned. "Better get in quick! Coordinates at oh-six, two-oh, one-nine-nine-five! That sound right?"
The creature nodded and ambled forward. Then he hesitated and whimpered.
"It's all right," Frankie reassured him. "You're not going to blow up this time. I promise. Isaac's got you covered." She smiled. "Go on!"
"Thirty-four seconds!" Isaac barked.
With his mandible gritted in determination, the giant bug skittered in. He gave a screech for good-bye and shut his eyes tightly. Isaac crossed his fingers, hoping this wouldn't result in the original show's ending. He glanced down at the grid. Ten seconds…
Fog billowed up around the alien. Flashing strobe lights hid him from view. Was it going to go right this time?
He howled and screamed and flailed his legs madly. Frankie and Isaac held their breaths. Skippy said a fast prayer in his native tongue.
Then with a whirr, a whoosh, and a BLAM, the alien vanished completely.
No body parts or blood flew. He had really been teleported!
"You did it!" Frankie cheered. Skippy clapped and pumped his little fists in the air.
Isaac finally exhaled. His head was in a whirl. "It really worked!" He grinned. "Go me!"
"Yes," Frankie laughed. "Go you!"
His claws touched down on soft earth and the scents of flowers and mold filled his nostrils. Familiar chirps and cries filled the air. He screeched questioningly. An answering bellow called back. He ran forward, bellowing happily, and his cries were echoed back to him. Tearing through the orange and yellow underbrush, he collided into another of his kind. Crying, she wrapped her legs around him and they tumbled on the ground, cooing and nuzzling. A group of identical creatures, only a third of their parents' size, bounded and leaped onto the mass of embraces and tears.
Home! He was home!
As Frankie and Isaac exited the basement, they took in big gulps of the cool, night air. It had been sorely missed in that stuffy cellar. Skippy hung on her back with his arms loosely wrapped around her neck. He nuzzled her cheek and then jumped onto Isaac's shoulders. He embraced his whole face in a hug.
"Yeah, I'll mif you toof, 'Iffy!" Isaac mumbled through peach fur.
Frankie picked up the cuddly alien and hugged him tightly before setting him on the ground. "Thank you so much for all of your help. We couldn't have done it without you."
Skippy waved it away. "Aww, essh ickkinuh-hin!"
"Well, it certainly was something to us." She bent down and kissed the top of his head. "Take care, Skippy! We'll see you soon!" She waved to him as he bounded away.
There was a crash as he knocked over a Churro cart and raided it. He managed to wave back at them as he hobbled away with his arms full of treats.
Isaac finally spoke up. "I wonder if the others had any luck."
Right on cue, Frankie's cell phone rang out the tune, "A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes." "That's Libby," she affirmed, flicking the phone open. "What's up? You're never going to believe…Whoa…All right. We're on our way!"
After Frankie stuck the phone back in her pocket, Isaac asked, "What happened?"
"Something about a horseman. They're over in Adventureland now." She grinned, hardly able to contain her excitement. "And they have the scroll! Let's go!" She grabbed his wrist and dragged him behind.
Narrowing eyes took in the scene, and a snarl emanated from unseen lips.
A/N: A huge, huge thank you to Werecat Boy and Lyger 0 for help with ideas and editing!
Of course, can't go without noting the reference and blatant use of the joke from The Emperor's New Groove.
Thank you so much everyone for all of the kind reviews!