Thank you so much, my wonderful, wonderful reviewers, I honestly love you all ; ) xxx
This is the second chapter *eeek*… It's still a bit 'setting the mood', so not much action. There will be a little more actually happening later… maybe. It is from Syed's POV, so… wedding night alert ;p!
The quote is again from the song Calleth You, Cometh I by The Ark.
I really want to thank Jenn a little bit extra for the lovely encouragement when it was very much needed. Laaarve ya! xxx
And LoveSy, hun, where would I be without your support and betaing, going way, way above and beyond… /xxxxx
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And I know we became restrained
Every time we were among friends
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I knew this was how it had to end… I was always going to marry… but I am shaking… I feel like I'm fading away…
It is late, far too late. It's the middle of the night and I am so exhausted, more exhausted than I can remember ever being. I should get to sleep but I know it's no use trying, it won't happen. Amira is in bed, hopefully finally asleep, and I am sitting in the bathroom of the luxury hotel suite where we're spending our wedding night. Some wedding night… I laugh just a tiny bit at how pathetic I am… I tried, I honestly did. And she did too… looked beautiful, I could see that… smelled delicious, I know…doing everything right, everything she's supposed to... but the closer we got to actually… the more I even thought of touching her anywhere near like I'm expected to, the tighter my throat felt, the more uncomfortable I was, the more I questioned it… What am I doing to her? Is this the way it's going to feel… forever? All I could hear was wrong, wrong, wrong screaming inside my head and I panicked. Time… I needed time… Time would… will sort it out… What I told her, what kind of ridiculous 'tired-we'll-try-tomorrow'-excuse I made to get out and wait here until she was asleep, I hardly remember. I doubt she believed me and I don't know what I'll tell her tomorrow, but here I am.
Then again, I don't remember much of what happened today. Mostly it's nothing but a stream of faces and colours and noise to me. I guess I must have said the right things, done what I was supposed to, looked the part I was supposed to play but I can't recall it. I can't remember the colour of my mother's clothes or the expression on my father's face as I got married. I can't because all I see is his face, burned into my mind. All I hear is his broken voice… No! No, no, no, no, no… don't want to remember… can't think of that… My hands fly up to my head to try and seize control of my thoughts again.
Smiles have been on my face all day and there's nothing left inside me. My face and my lips don't feel like mine, don't feel like they're real. Nothing has felt real today, it's like everything happened to someone else, like I was watching it on TV. I have been like some mechanical toy that automatically keeps going.
It's strange, but I haven't felt anything most of the day, it's like I'm frozen. I don't know what chilled me the most. It could have been the sound of his voice as he told me he couldn't pretend it was all going to be OK. It could have been the look in my mother's eyes as she realized the truth, or her backing away from my touch. It could also have been the sight of him, walking away, having seen his eyes before he turned around.
The one thing I know for sure is that I can't relax. Never, ever let my guard down. Always keep the mask on, always check everything you say or do one, two, three times before you say or do it. Always, always, always. It has been my life for so long I hardly know anything else. I only know, more than ever before, one thing. No one can know. I have seen what will happen when they do.
I vaguely remember talking to my mother, only really recalling the expression on her face… the one of disbelief... complete horror… as she realized what I had said… I told her everything… I was shocked when the truth shot out of my mouth, but she couldn't talk about him like that, couldn't call him… And then I begged her to help, tell me what to do… and she… Stop! Can't think of it… Can't… My hands press even harder against my head, willing the nothingness to return again… Now she knows and showed me in every way possible what she thought of me… couldn't look at me, backed away from me like I disgusted her. It was so evident… her detest… I have been alone before, I know I can survive that, horrible as it was. But it wasn't like this…Turns out loneliness feels a lot different when your mother stands right in front of you looking at you like that. Saying, without words, that you'll be forever outside of her love. Outside of the love of everyone you know. What is the right thing to do then?
There have been so many people everywhere, staring at me all day, and I have never felt more invisible. Hidden behind the wall inside me. Surrounded by all these people who can't even see me. Don't want to see me. The more people I have around me, the more alone, less real I am. I feel like it is so obvious… that everyone should see the mask I'm wearing, the fakeness of the never ending smiles, the falseness in the jokes I try to make… Everyone should see the difference between this 'Syed' that everybody is looking at, the one I show to the world, the only Syed that is allowed to be seen… and the one that's hiding behind, the Syed that can't exist… that no one can see, ever. And yet no one seems to notice. Why?
They say they love me, that they want what's good for me. My father has even said that he is proud of me. That's what I have dreamed of, what I have hoped for forever… But I have seen the truth now. It's not me they love. It's not me they're proud of. It's only the Syed they think I am they love and are proud of.
Only he is different. He knows the truth of me and still wants me, still cares for me. And he is the one that had to go. I want to bang my head against the very elegant, no doubt very expensive, Jacuzzi right in front of me until I can't remember that moment. But naturally I can't do that and as I curl up as tightly as I can, knees pressed against my chest, making myself small enough to vanish, nothing stops me from remembering.
For a moment when he walked into the room, I thought he was going to do it, shout it out to everyone, stop the whole wedding. I saw what he thought and what he felt so clearly on his face, and I will never know how everyone else did not. But then I could see how he kept everything in, retreated, tried to play the part as the colleague and good friend of the family that he is to everybody else. I actually saw something close up inside of him. A door slammed shut behind his eyes and even if he was there, something just… disappeared… died. I can swear I felt the floor shake when I saw that. And then… everything continued… like nothing happened. Like something inside me hadn't died too.
I had to, just had to, see him again even if I had no idea what to do or what to say. He was just about to leave, probably thought he had escaped, but I needed to see him again, selfish as I am. I couldn't stand not talking to him one more time. I was so scared, I don't even know of what, and I needed to draw strength from him. I hate myself for doing that to him, but I had to. So I tried to mumble a pathetic 'sorry', but he told me not to. And what good would it do anyway? He looked at me quietly for a moment and said it was all OK… I had to believe him even if I knew deep inside we're both lying, and then… he kissed me… and walked away… and I feel it… feel everything. As he left I couldn't even tell which tears on my face were his and which were my own. I saw him go and knew I was sinking and my last lifeline was being cut off. It's what I asked for. What I wanted. No, not wanted, never wanted. I needed it. I needed him to let go.
That doesn't stop me from wishing I hadn't seen what I saw in his face and his eyes, wishing I hadn't had to hear that voice. I looked into those eyes, for one, short second, and couldn't breathe. How could I breathe seeing that? Eyes I have seen sparkle with laughter and shine with desire, now just hollow with a pain that I can't stand even thinking about. Lips I have seen curl with a satisfied or self ironic smile more times than I can count… now trembling and pressed together. The bravest and strongest man I've known never looked smaller or more vulnerable…devastated… crushed… I still feel something so hard and cold squeezing my heart at the thought that it's me doing this to him. I walked into this day on my own, because I decided to, he didn't. No..! Can't think of him… can't... he is not mine to think of, never was.
When he was gone I realized that the one person who actually sees me, knows me and still cares, is out of my life. I barely registered Amira coming up to me, quickly hiding the tears almost falling again. I didn't have the time to hide the 'sadness' she saw though. Always hiding. It hit me right then and there. I am absolutely alone. No one is left that knows me. I never knew before how much I depended on him being the one person, the one place, where I didn't have to keep that wall up, that mask on at all times, on him being the one that knew, the one that saw… He will never do that again. I felt something break inside me. Alone… I didn't truly understand what that meant until today. If no one sees you… do you even exist?
Later I tried talking to my mother again, break the loneliness I felt. I didn't mean to hurt her any more… hurt myself any more. I longed for her to say I did something good, that somehow this hurt would be… not worth it… but worth something. I wanted to tell her I think I did the right thing… I wanted her to hug me like… a mother, but she could hardly even touch me. She wanted nothing to do with it, nothing to do with me, even if she said she loved me. If I had any illusions about what would happen if anyone knew, those are now long gone. She told me it would pass, that it would fade into nothing… Nothing? I can't help but snort a little at the memory. I lean my head back against the cool marble wall behind me.
I should be looking at the woman in the bed in our suite. My wife. I should be thinking mind numbingly happy thoughts of how lucky I am to have her… just having married her… the wedding night and… I should, I absolutely should. A honeymoon in a beautiful resort on the Maldives. It's all anyone could ever wish for really. And it's tomorrow… Why am I so scared? It will be wonderful. It will be what I dreamed of, what she dreamed of. It has to be. Wrong, wrong, wrong, a voice inside my head whispers, but I can't think of that, I can't. I should feel like the luckiest man in the world, the happiest man on earth. I just got married. I have a stunningly gorgeous wife who I care very much about and who loves me. What are you doing to her? The thought flashes through my head again. I've done what I'm supposed to do. I have done what is right towards everyone around me… Towards them? my head accuses me and I squeeze my eyes shut. I didn't mean to, I whisper to the air, forgive me... both of you…
I have to do it. Walk the road that is ahead of me, take one step after another and do it. Deal with the 'now' and not think, that is the only way. Try harder, always try harder. So I will. Not look back. Never look back. Not look ahead. Never look ahead. Tomorrow… No, push that out… I'll deal with that then. Try again… soon… not now. Now I need to get up from the floor. It is late, far too late. Always the guard up. Always the mask on. Always think before you do or say anything… one, two, three times. Hide behind the wall. Always.
Finally I manage to get on my unsteady feet and find myself in front of the mirror… I don't know who that is looking back at me and I can't look into his eyes. Numbly I run my fingers over my face, that spot on my forehead… my arms, my chest and stomach… over and over again… to see if I actually exist. Or if I'm fading away.
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Thank you for being with me all the way here. Greedy author as I am, I'd absolutely LOVE to hear what you think of it. And if you want to know more… /xxx