"Forgiveness"

Hawke sits on the edge of her bed, it seems like years she has sat here, staring into the fire, mother is gone and all she can feel is a great emptiness and despondency. The sight of her mother's head on another's shoulders, she can't get the picture out of her head, the horror of it all. She can't find any other memory of her mother to replace it, it sticks there like the ghastly reminder it is of her own inadequacies. Too many regrets and 'what ifs'. Every little event leading up to it, she now plays out in her head, over and over, searching for what she could have done differently, there has to be something, there must have been a way she could have stopped it all. They all run through her head, never coming to any conclusions, round and round, no way out.

The flames flicker as a slight draught blows through, she looks up and there is Fenris standing tall at the door. "I am here" he says. This is more than she can bear, the tears start again.

"I failed, I should have been quicker, I should have chased down this killer before he got anywhere near my mother, or anyone else, I should have been more helpful to Emeric...I should have...done something more. My uncle blames me and he's right. It's all my fault. Maybe if I had gone after her sooner, maybe if I had said no to her entertaining suitors again, I should have stopped her, I should have stopped him." Her head goes into her hands, these thoughts are unbearable.

"You are looking for forgiveness...that I am unable to give." Says Fenris coldly and turns to leave, but Hawke doesn't see the movement and continues talking.

"I've failed all those around me I love, Bethany, Carver, you and now mother. I should be the one that's dead, it would be better for everyone if I was."

Fenris turns back, curious and genuinely concerned, "Hawke, what is this? You cannot wish yourself dead."

"Why not? You would all have been better had I never been, all my actions have lead to is more hurt and death. Everything I touch turns to dust in my hands. I don't seem to be able to get it right. I should have just stopped and then none of this would have happened."

"That is not how things are, it is wrong of you to think like this."

"You of all people should know I am right!"

"Why would I think that?" Fenris shouts feeling anger building in up in frustration at his inadequacy in dealing with Hawke's grief and at her for letting her thoughts turn so dark.

"I treated you no better than your old master! I took from you something for myself and caused you more pain on top of all that you already had! You needed time and I gave you none! I opened a door in your head that should have remained firmly closed! I just did what every mage you've ever known has done to you and confirmed all your thoughts on how evil we are! I made you hate me! You would have been better off if you had never met me!"

Fenris walks towards her and grabs her by the shoulders, "What are you talking about, this is nonsense! "

"That...that night, I was too impatient; I thought I had waited long enough. I was selfish, I didn't think of what I was doing to you. I should have apologised a long time ago, and I haven't even managed to do that. I'm sorry Fenris, I know you hate me after what I did, but I will keep my promise to help you with Denarius and I'll do my best not to screw that up as well."

Fenris cannot believe what he is hearing; she thinks I hate her? He turns away and sighs deeply, this is not what he intended; she blames herself for things I have done, he shakes his head, no, this can't continue..." Hawke, look at me." He turns to face her once more and takes her chin firmly in his hand tilting her head compelling her to look up at him,"You did not force me, my actions were my own. You are not the only one who looked for some happiness that night. Any pain I feel is not of your making and the hate I feel is not for you. My demons are mine to deal with, mine alone; you cannot do this for me. "

He sits down beside her and wraps his arms around her, "No more talk of dying, your mother would not want that and neither would I."