Thank you so very much for reviewing, favouriting and putting this on alert. That really means so much!
LoveSy, hun, you have been brilliant, brilliant, brilliant as usual, saving my skin this time ;p ;D /xxx
I'm still keeping close if not exactly to canon, but events are about to soon take a little turn. In the third chapter we're back at Christian's flat…
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And you're not the one that I think of
Every time that the telephone rings
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The insistent buzzing on the street door three or four times a day is one of the things I have quickly learned to ignore over the last three days. This time I don't even lift my head. Another thing I completely ignore is the phone that I've had turned off ever since Friday night, except for that one text I sent to Jane on Sunday morning ('Stop coming over. No need to talk. I'm OK.' Aren't I a wonderful brother?). But I can't deal with her right now. I'm too busy. Too busy not thinking about him. Too busy not looking at my turned off phone. Too busy trying to teach my head to overpower the feelings I have. Turning the phone off has had numerous advantages, actually. One being the fact that I don't have to hear the repeated ringing and see Jane's or Lucy's numbers on the screen knowing they'll pity me. Another one is that I don't have to hear the ringing and not see… his number, knowing I'll never see that number calling me again. But I don't think of him, of course I don't, what point is there in thinking of that anymore? Thinking of him? None at all, I'm going to move on with my life. I made that decision at some point during the last few days. I'm done with this. I fell in love, I can fall out again. Wonder how long it will take? If I've learned anything here it's that I'm no good with that, with love. Always screw it up. This love I feel for him is the only thing that is whole inside me, but it's too much, I can't take it. I need to be back to old Christian again, and I will. These last six months will be forgotten. I ignore the little person inside my head who shakes his imaginary head and tells me that's not possible, that something has changed since then. Since him. Ouch… there's that headache again.
Why is there still buzzing on the door? It's not like I need anyone to come and help me or anything. Honestly. I can take care of myself, thank you very much. I growl at the sound of the buzzer invading my head. Decidedly I push away the very unwelcome thought that my head is this bad because it hurts from not sleeping more than a few hours over the last three nights since I have been... Not thinking about that, I'm doing better. I am! I had a shower on Saturday evening and a toast to eat Sunday afternoon. Big progress. I'm OK, absolutely OK. Going to be. Eventually. What is not OK however is that the buzzing doesn't stop this time. And even further from OK are the steps on the stairs and the turning of a key in the door. What the…?
'Christian…?' the voice of my sister cuts through the dizziness surrounding my brain. Every instinct I have tells me I should hide, that she shouldn't see me like this, that she saw too much at the reception already. She'll worry about me for some reason and… be here. I don't want anybody to be here. Why can't people understand that I need my privacy? Why do they think I need pampering and holding hands? I want no one to be here. I want to be here in quiet, alone, not thinking about him.
'Christian!' Jane says again as she walks through the door into the flat, and I have no choice but to lift my head a few inches off my pillow.
'What are you doing barging in like this? I'm having the locks changed…' I try to shout at her but my voice is really strange. Possibly because I haven't actually used it since Friday.
'Good, you're alive…' I swear I hear how she rolls her eyes at me, ignoring my words. I turn to her to tell her to go away and I hear her breath catch as she sees me.
'I don't want you here! Don't you ever just walk in here like that…' I try to continue, but I stop when I see her eyes welling up.
'Oh… Christian…' she whispers, clearly forgetting all irritation she'd felt before. She sits down on the bed and squeezes my shoulder. Just like that, I feel everything again. This is exactly why I don't want her here. I don't want to feel anymore. She sits there for a few minutes, completely silent, knowing that I don't want to hear anything. Slowly I feel myself relax a little, I hadn't even noticed how tense I was. Then she decides it's time to tell me why she's really here.
'Christian? I need you at Masala Queen today…' she says and I actually flinch at the mere name of the place, how pathetic. 'Zainab and Masood are away doing a function… and Sy…' she stops herself almost in time but I still feel the punch in the gut. '… he is not here. It'll just be you and me, and I really need your help. Please...' She keeps her hand firmly on my shoulder, and strangely enough I find the warmth of it rather comforting.
'I'd be useless, sis…' I mumble, still not used to that strange voice I seem to have.
'You'd be a pair of hands… You know I wouldn't ask if it wasn't an emergency… please…'
'Look, Jane, I really don't want anyone to see… you know… this. I'm OK… really!' I add as I see the questioning look in her eyes. 'I just don't feel like... having people look at me… meeting anyone.'
' I get that, Christian, really, but like I said, it'll be you and me there, and no one else is gonna come in. Please, I'd owe you so much! And you know… you could really use a few hours out of this place. '
She's clearly on a mission here, and I know she won't quit until I have agreed to it. I suppose it is her way of helping out.
'OK, I'll get there in a bit' I sigh, feeling nauseated at the thought of being at that place. I feel like I'm walking straight into the lion's den, but Jane promised that it would only be the two of us, so how bad can it be?
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An hour later we're both at the Unit. I would have been here earlier but I spent more than half an hour trying to get the courage to walk through my door. I could just feel everyone staring at me already. Pointing and laughing at stupid Christian, falling in love, thinking he'll get his happily ever after. Finally I managed to shake my head. Just get over yourself, you idiot, who do you think is interested in your pathetic broken heart? No one, no one even knows… I'm not sure whether that fact is a good or a horrible thing, but I decided it was about time to show Albert square what Christian Clarke is really made of, took a deep breath and stepped through the door.
Practically running to Masala Queen, I couldn't help keeping my head down, praying I wouldn't meet anyone. I laughed just a bit at myself, big brave man I am, really, but there was no way I could cope with meeting anyone. The relief I felt when I could close the door behind me was immense, shutting the world out again. At the unit I discovered that it actually helped a little having something to focus on. I volunteered to do the most mind-numbing jobs so I'd lose myself in them, boring chopping and stirring making my head blissfully empty. For a few minutes. I feel Jane's eyes on me every so often but pretend I don't. She'd like me to talk, I know that, but I pretend that I don't. I can't deal with any of it, not now. And not here where I can see and hear him everywhere if I just look, just listen. So I don't. I only focus on emptying my head.
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Jane knew that Christian could feel her looking at him as they worked together, mostly in silence. A few words only concerning work had been exchanged, nothing more. She knew that he could feel her worry, it practically oozed out of her. She also knew that he didn't like it and couldn't handle any concern or compassion right now, however much he needed it. He was nowhere near fine, nowhere near OK. She could sense him bracing himself, trying so hard to keep his façade up, even though she had seen past it on Friday and they both knew it. That moment… shivers still ran down her spine at the thought of the look on her little brother's face and in his eyes then… that moment when he hadn't been able to keep his mask on any longer and she had seen right through him. Looking at him she had realized that he was really, truly falling apart. A part of him had just gone missing and it was the most horrible thing she'd ever seen in Christian. She had been there at a few difficult times in both of their lives before, but it had been nothing like this. What could she do? What could possibly make that desperate and at the same time resigned look go away and bring back her brother? It was like he was there, and still not. She'd never been so scared for him in her whole life.
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'Christian…' she tentatively starts, not for the first time, hoping she'll get another answer this time.
'Don't… Jane, I really don't want to. I'm here, right? I don't have to talk, do I?'
She won't take that for an answer much longer but I'm saved by a sudden noise. The door suddenly opens and steps come down the stairs. 'Helloo..?'
I feel my whole body tensing up at the sound of that voice and seconds later Zainab is here in the kitchen. In my head I knew I had to see them all, of course, see her again, but I'm not prepared to do it now. My knuckles turn white and my nails dig into my palms as I clench my hands. I keep my back to her, not letting her have the satisfaction of seeing my face right now.
'Jane…' she says as I feel her stare in my back and the air growing really thick in the tiny room. She says nothing more. She's not even going to pretend I'm here, is she? 'So… emm… so how are things going? Have you got everything sorted out for tomorrow?'
'Well yeah… everything 's good and ready, we're just about finished…' Jane says slowly, and I can tell she's confused about where this sudden tension comes from. 'And how are things with you…'
'Well… ' I can hear determination in Zainab's voice, but am not sure what she's after. She takes a breath and I feel her eyes on me again. 'Syed and Amira called from their hotel this morning… You should have heard them, really, they're having the most wonderful time of their lives he said! And I talked to Amira too… I'll tell you, Jane, I have never heard two people so much in love with each other… they sounded positively glowing… '
That's it. That's what she's set out to do. I can do nothing but stand here and try and brace myself. Try not to show that I feel the blows she's about to deal me. I am trapped.
'Oh, that's good… and what…' I hear in her voice that Jane doesn't get what Zainab is aiming at.
'… and I could actually feel their connection through the line,' Zainab interrupts, clearly not finished with me. 'They're so close… so ...together. I'm not sure they have even ventured out of their room yet, if you know what I mean…' I don't see it but I can vividly imagine the 'playful wink' she gives Jane at that. I feel sick.
Zainab continues, allegedly speaking to Jane, but I can feel her still having all her focus on me.
'My boy has never been happier, I can swear it… he wants this so much, I know he does, and maybe, Jane, we'll have something else to celebrate soon…When he has everything he ever wanted… in about nine month's time, you know… '
The breath I've been holding in during most of their talk is audibly knocked out of me. That's one kick more than I am prepared to take, and I am convinced that Zainab fully intended that to hurt as much as possible. With a sudden burst of energy I didn't know I had in me anymore I run out of the kitchen and up the stairs.
'Christian… Christian!' I hear Jane calling after me, but I don't care. I can't take this anymore.
A slam of the door is the last thing I hear, and with that I'm finally free.
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Another annoying buzzing on the door and I've been home merely ten minutes. I just can't seem to be allowed to have any time on my own. I have to learn not to think of him and I need to deal with the decision I have made, and I have to do it by myself. Of course I know who it is and I shake my head at myself for letting her get too close. Letting her see everything then, even though she possibly saved me, was a mistake, and this morning, allowing her to see… that. I don't want to let her in again. But I know my sister, and this is one of those times she won't leave until we've spoken. Much too like our mother in that department.
Finally I get to the door and let her in. As she takes off her coat I sink down on the sofa and let my head fall back. It's like the trip to the door was a bigger achievement than I had strength for. Jane sits down, careful not to sit too near me as she knows I wouldn't stand her trying to comfort me right now, that I can't bear having anyone close to me. She searches my face but I'm not able to make contact with her eyes. I have no idea what she would see there, I haven't looked at myself properly for more than three days now, but I don't think she'd like it.
'Christian… what was that about?' she asks cautiously.
'What was what about?' I make a halfhearted attempt to stall what I know is coming.
'Oh no, don't you try that, I was there… What's going on here?'
'Look… it's nothing… I just… couldn't take Zainab going on about the happy couple like…' Not knowing what else so say I still try to avoid the real issue.
'Ahh… you know her, she was only doing the usual proud mother of the groom thing… well… Zainab style. '
'Was she… really?'
'You're gonna have to toughen up, Christian.' Her voice is annoyingly soft and caring as she puts her hand on mine. I don't pull away, needing some sort of human contact. 'It happened… you have to deal with that… And think like this… He is gone… you've already gone through the worst, haven't you?'
'Hah… Not if she's got anything to do with it…' It's out of my mouth before I can stop it. I curse myself as I know she'll never let this go.
'Wha… what do you mean?'
'Nothing…' I pull my hand from under her's and rub my hands over my face, trying to compose myself again 'it don't matter… Jane, would you just leave me alone now…'
'No, I won't. Christian, are you saying… she knows something..?'
We sit in silence for a few minutes, but I am under no illusion that I'm being let off the hook. I look up at her as I prepare to bare the enormity of my foolishness.
'Jane, I… I told her everything… I told her on the wedding day.' And I hold my breath for what I know will come.
'Christian! How…? Why the hell did you do that for?' Obviously she can't believe what a fool I am, and I can't blame her. I have to try and explain to her how I couldn't take any more of that… hate… that loathing, just for being who I am.
'I had to! She showed up at your door that morning… like some vengeful … poisonous… just mouthing off… I couldn't help it… the things she said… they were... ' I can still hardly think of them… the words she said, what she called me. I give up my attempts to put those feelings into words and say the one thing that gets my heart every time I think of it. The thing that breaks me. 'And she still let him go through with it...'
'What?' She sounds completely stunned. 'So you're saying she knew… everything? Before? That that was her… rubbing your nose in it then? Well, I'll just tell her what I think of that… I'll tell her tomorrow!'
' Jane, don't… don't. It don't matter anymore anyway. I've made up my mind.'
'Made up...? Made up your mind about what?'
'You know what, Jane…' I realise I have to tell her. I can't not after what she's tried to do for me. Still I can't look into her eyes. ' I've been thinking… Ever since Friday and… now I'm absolutely sure… I ... I need to get out of here, Jane… I can't be here anymore. I've got to go.'
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First of all: I hope you liked your birthday present, Jenn, my dear!/x
And as always: thank you for reading, and please let me know what you think and if you'd like to know more ;D