"Free at Last"

"If there is a future to be had, I will walk into it gladly at your side."

His hand came up to her face and pulled her towards him. He kissed her and Hawke felt the previous years of heartache and pain slip away in an instant. His lips were warm and he tasted of spice, his touch electric, just as she remembered. His arms wrapped around her and pulled her closer. Returning the kiss felt like coming home at last, here she felt safe and protected and loved, she would never let him go again.

Hands moved towards buckles and laces, hands touching skin as clothing was removed, lips kissing face, neck, ears as it all fell away. Each felt the heat of their bodies rising as skin met skin. He grabbed her hips and she wrapped her legs around him as he lifted her. She could feel all the strength he had in those arms as he moved towards the floor in front of the fire then gently placed her down, never stopping kissing her as he stretched out alongside. Hands reached out, touching, caressing, exploring. She inhaled suddenly as his hand found her breast and then his mouth found her nipple and arched her back as pleasure surged through her body. She moaned gently as he entered her, her body more than ready to accept this, and pulled at his hips to draw him in further. He nuzzled at her neck as their rhythm began a gently increasing pace. Her muscles clench, the better to feel him inside her and he utters his own growls in response. Their bodies build up to a crescendo and both cry out as he feels her muscles spasm as she reaches the height of her pleasure and he cannot hold back as it leads him to his. As their bodies stop he kisses her long and hard and she responds in kind. Fenris then supports himself on his arm and lifts his mouth to her ear,

"Sine amore, nihil est vit," he whispers

"What does that mean?" she giggles

"Without love, life is pointless...It has taken me a long time to learn that lesson, and I never would if it hadn't been for you."

"Fenris, from the moment I met you, you had my love, you have not been without it."

"But I did not know that and I had no love in me, none to give to you. Hate has almost consumed me since I escaped Denarius, and it was all so pointless. To kill him and then feel nothing, I think I have wasted so much time hating him when I could have been with you."

Hawke sits up and stares into his eyes, "Fenris, when you learn something about what it means to be alive, it is never wasted time. But you are right; living without love in it would be quite pointless. But I don't think that time was wasted, I learned how to be your friend and you learned how to read, they weren't bad things, were they?"

"Ah...learning to read...you are minx of a woman Hawke. I thought there would be no harm in learning to read, that it might help me feel more...free, less like a slave. And it did, and I have you to thank for that. It was your lessons, more than anything, which made me question why I was not with you. I used to smell your hair as you bent over some book, deliberately help you turn pages, so I could touch your hand, a multitude of little things that nudged and played on my desire. It was very hard to think of you as only my friend. You did it all quite deliberately, didn't you? You drove me half mad being so close all the time. I had thought to drive you away, you obviously had other ideas. But you did teach me, and that is a gift I am not sure I could ever repay. I looked forward to our evenings together; I hope the reading together will not stop."

"Oh I hope not, although maybe now we have found something else we can do to spend our time together...now that you do have some love to give." She looks at him coyly.

Fenris laughs out loud and Hawke smiles to hear the laughter come so easily, she has never heard his laugh without a bitter ring to it before,

"Hawke, those are the lessons I am very much looking forward to!"

Fenris puts his arms around her and hugs her. Hawke shivers in delight. Relishing the feeling of his warmth around her.

"So...now that you have confirmed that you are definitely alive, I have a question. Does it still hurt when your markings are touched?"

Fenris laughs gently, "I have a confession...they never did. They used to get sore at times, but that was a long time ago. They do not hurt when being touched. It was how I kept people from getting too close; it clearly has not worked with you!"

"But your memories...they came back when we did this before, you said it was painful."

"Yes, that was painful, but the pain was not from the markings...I think, being with you ...heals my mind. My memories have been trickling back ever since. When they put these markings on me, it seems to have burned all my memories away. That night they all came back at once and then they were gone, that was what hurt and I couldn't face it. The memories were of times with family and of being loved and cared for, times when I had loved also. If I remembered, I couldn't keep hold of the hate I felt for Denarius, the hate I had for all mages and that hate was what was driving me. You work magic, but I could not hate you. If I let you that close, that would go. I thought by keeping myself distant, you would turn against me and that I could keep hold of that belief. What would be left of me if I let it go? I'm sorry I hurt you when I left, I thought that if you hated me, it could not happen again."

"That turned out well! It had the opposite effect!"

"I know...that was pointed out to me."

"Pointed out to you?"

"That irksome mage friend of yours came to see me. Just after you told him you did not want him. He came here to kill me, said he wanted me out of the way so you would forget about me. He told me you said you loved me." Fenris lowers his head, he did not like remembering how much he had in common with the man and the anger he had felt that someone else had come close to Hawke.

"Anders? " Hawke gulped, feeling embarrassed that Fenris knew she had almost...But then that was also the night that she knew for sure where her heart lay, and she could not regret that, especially not now.

"I think he loves you almost as much as I do, but at least he directs his anger my way. That I can deal with. I think I realised then how little control I had over you and how little I had over my own feelings. Keeping hold of my hate was the only way I knew how to keep some control. But I saw it for myself after you mother died. I did not mean for you to blame yourself."

A frown passes over Hawke's face, although it has been some time since her mother died, it still grieves her when she thinks of it. "I think that's when you taught me a lesson." She says, her voice quiet, "You said you were unable to give me forgiveness. At the time I thought you were just being at your most insensitive, but later...I realised I had to forgive myself. I did not make Bethany run to that ogre, I could not have stopped her. I did not give Carver the blight, I don't know if becoming a grey warden was the right thing for him, but I can't help but believe that it was. I did not put the hate in your heart that made you leave me and I was not the one who killed my mother. I can't be responsible for what other people do; I can only answer for my own actions. I do make mistakes and I will answer for them."

Fenris pulls her in closer, "I have no doubt you will, my love, but I will be right there with you when you do, as you have been there when I have made mine."

"What of Varania Fenris? She is still your sister, can you ever forgive her?"

Fenris groans and gives a sigh, "I should have known you would ask me this. Not one for sticking to the easy questions are you?" He looks her in the eyes, "Do we really have to do this now?"

Hawke takes a deep breath, she knows she is treading on sensitive territory, "I don't know when would be the best time, but sooner rather than later for this one I think."

"This afternoon I would have killed her without a second thought if you and Varric had not stopped me. I was so angry, I harboured hopes that seeing her...that it would just slip back to the memories I've got back, that she would laugh and embrace me and I would have a sense of family like you have always had. But the reality was that my worst fears were fulfilled and new revelations made it all even worse. She betrayed me to Denarius; she is a mage dabbling in the worst kind of magic. My sister aiming to become a magister herself. To hear that my mother was dead and that chance to see her again is forever gone. "He closes his eyes and Hawke can see how much this hurts him to talk about, but she won't stop him, he needs to do this.

"I remember competing for these markings. I remember being Leto. Leto was ready to sacrifice everything for his family, but he was young and a little foolish. He had no idea what winning meant for him, all he knew was that his mother and sister would be free. He did not know that winning meant Leto would die."

Hawke leans into him, encouraging him to go on and letting him know she is there to listen.

"Leto didn't tell his mother and sister what he was doing, so they were completely unprepared for what freedom means. No Fog Warriors for them. I know now that freedom is about having responsibility, as a slave you have none. It must have been hard for them. Suddenly thrust into a world where you have to work to stay alive, no master to provide all your needs, even if that master is cruel and all your needs are paid for in blood and sweat, to have that taken away suddenly...I think I understand why Varania is so bitter towards me. Varania was wrong about one thing. I did not ask for these markings. No one knew that winning that competition meant that Denarius had a subject to experiment on. "

Hawke looks at him,"A competition where no one wins, except maybe Denarius who didn't compete. Do you still want to kill Vanaria?"

"No Hawke I don't, but I am still angry with her. Betrayal of family is hard to forgive and to do it so she could train to be a magister...I think I need time. Her chance to be a magister is now gone with Denarius; I have paid someone to watch her, to see what she does next. If another betrayal is coming I want to be ready, but we shall see what she does. You are the one who is good at giving people second chances, I don't know if I have it in me to do that." He gives Hawke a small smile; she knows he is going to be all right.

"So you are having someone watch her just as you watched me?" Hawke asks with mock outrage. Fenris laughs at her and ruffles her hair,

"Yes sweet mage, a personal Templar ready to cut off your head should those demons prove too much for you. I had better warn the man...watch too closely and she'll cast a spell to make you love her, then head cutting will be impossible."

"Make you love her?" Hawke asks indignantly, "I don't remember any spell casting for that."

"Hawke, you do it with your ass, following behind you watching that backside is mesmerising, it casts spells all of its own." Hawke thumps him on the shoulder with her fist; he laughs and pulls her in towards him again.

"Enough...Now what about these new lessons..."

Varric stomps into Fenris' mansion running up the stairs shouting at the top of his voice, "Hey Fenris, have you seen Hawke? She's been missing for days. No one has seen her and we've got work to do!" He breezes into the room and stops dead in his tracks,

"Oh Andraste's ass Hawke! I don't need to get this close for a story! Fenris, for the Ancestor's sake put some clothes on! These are parts of a male elf I never ever wanted to see! If you two are going to continue doing this for Maker's sake learn to close your door!"

He turns his back to the sound of Hawke's giggles and Fenris muttering under his breath about some people having no respect for other people's privacy, and shouts down to Isabella, "It's alright I've found her! But don't go up, they're not decent!"

Isabella squeals in delight and immediately runs up the stairs, Varric trying desperately to stop her to no avail as she dashes past him straight into the room. All he hears is Isabella directing a stream of entirely indecent questions at her friend. Varric rubs his head with his hand in despair.

Fenris, fully dressed, comes out to stand beside Varric and says nothing.

"Well elf, I don't know how you did it, but at long last you have come to your senses, but let me tell you if you hurt her again, Bianca will be having an intimate conversation with you."

"If I do dwarf, I will not talk back."