This is a monster chapter. Like epic. I was really sick when I was writing this with my eyes half closed and my whole body was aching, but as it goes, inspiration hits at the most inconvenient of times, typical! In addition to that, I wrote this about ooh, easily a year ago now... So it's safe to say that I recovered from whatever I had been suffering from.
The thing is; I was re-reading old 'in progress' stories to see if I could tweak any and post them and came across this. As I was reading, I realised that it was the perfect bridge between New York and Chicago (well, from my POV as the writer at least... it's hard to explain but I really felt that something wasn't finished... but that could also be my incessant need to constantly tweak and modify things without being able to just let them go! :p)
I also have debated for an entire week whether or not this is a chapter worth posting. I really am torn whether or not it's too... emotionally exhausting... but there's been something in me all week, that's been bringing me back to this chapter, deciding against posting it, then sending me to the original chapter 4, and leaving me feeling that there's still something missing. So, I'm going with my instincts, posting it and hoping for the best.
So, a list of what to expect? I guess tears, maybe? Lots of emotions. A SLIGHT M RATING (I tried to keep it in the T rating as best as I could) What else? Trudging up the past... and quite a brutal chapter. I know what you're all thinking: 'another one? Seriously Laura? For goodness sake girly, get a grip!' And I'm sorry guys; really, I am!
I hope you guys still like it... If you don't, just remember I was sick and was therefore in an ill-induced coma that clouded my better judgement!
... it's a shame I don't have the same excuse for the rest of the story, huh? hahah.
I know I haven't had the chance to reply to reviews from last chapter - I'm sorry guys, I will make sure I get onto that soon. In the meantime, can I just thank you from the bottom of my little heart for the support so far. You guys really are great and I appreciate the kind words. I'm glad that some of you are reading this one because despite the massive inward debates I'm having over it, I'm really enjoying the journey as you guys get to read more and more. So, without me wittering on anymore, thank you to: Lady-Buster, brendanakai, Dantanacy4ever, afrozenheart412, Dine89, KTmac09 and 18lzytwner.
Demi Lovato – Sky Scraper
Skies are crying, I am watching, catching teardrops in my hands. Only silence, as it's ending; like we never had a chance. Do you have to make me feel like there is nothing left of me? You can take everything I have. You can break everything I am.
She'd chickened out. Well, she hadn't exactly chickened out – that was a little unfair - she was more prolonging it; putting off the inevitable. Using the time to talk herself out of what she was about to do. She knew she shouldn't. And she'd probably regret it. But on that off chance she didn't – God was it worth it.
Her heart had been racing as she'd gotten into the cab. She'd opened her mouth, willing for her voice to utter his address – but it hadn't. Her head was telling her to go home, as her heart told her to go to his. So she'd made a compromise; which brought her to where she was currently: knocking on Danny Messer's door.
"Linds?"
She glanced up through lashes, her now dry hair and her bangs in the way of her eyes, and offered him a shy, small smile as he opened the door a little more. "Hi."
"Montana," he whispered. "I... I didn't think you'd come."
"I went home first," she said, gesturing to her clothing.
"I could have given you some dry clothes."
"I doubt that would have been wise," She commented before glancing into his apartment. "Can I...?"
"Oh yeah, yeah," he said, moving from the doorway. "C'mon in."
Lindsay offered him a smile as she passed him in the doorway.
"You look pretty." Danny threw over his shoulder as he shut and locked the door. "Really pretty."
She turned and looked at him, slipping off her coat as she did so. "That wasn't exactly what I was going for."
"What? Looking pretty?" He tried to confirm what she was saying. "What were you going for?"
"Neutral... a little plain maybe? It is raining after all." she shrugged, knowing that deep down, she was lying. She'd admittedly put a little bit of effort into her appearance when she'd made her way over. After all, he had a lot to lose, and she wanted him to know just what it was he was missing out on. But if he called her on it, she'd never admit it. Ever.
"I don't think you mean that," Busted, almost instantly as well. Damn! "You're never neutral Lindsay, you're never plain. You're gorgeous."
She nodded shyly as she slipped her coat over the back of the couch.
"You are," He whispered, closing the distance between them. "You look beautiful."
"Danny..." she shook her head. "That isn't why I'm here and you know it." Again, lies.
"I know," he sighed. "I just ugh... do you want a drink?"
"I'd love a coffee..."
Danny nodded as he padded through the living room. "Hungry?"
"No, not really."
He turned and narrowed his eyes. "Did you eat today?"
She snorted, rather attractively, at his absurd question. "Yes... why wouldn't I have eaten Danny?"
"I don't know... it's just that Hawkes said you just... you look-"
"-I'm thinner. I know." Lindsay rolled her eyes. "But surprisingly, what I do, what I eat and when I eat doesn't concern you... anymore."
"It concerns me if it's hurting you. I might not have that right anymore, but it still concerns me nonetheless."
"Well Danny, what can I say, I lost my appetite a few weeks ago... I wonder why."
He shook his head as he rounded his way into the kitchen and flicked the kettle on, muttering under his breath as he did so. "Can at least make you a sandwich?"
"No thanks," she sing-songed; as a way of indicating to him that her answer hadn't changed.
"I've got leftover spaghetti I could warm up."
"Not hungry," she sighed.
"Fine," he held his arms up in surrender. "I got it. Not hungry."
Nodding, Lindsay took a seat on the couch.
"How was your rain walk?" he called out to her, clearly incapable of accepting the silence that had fallen between them.
"Fine," she replied politely.
"Did you answer all the questions you've got swirling around in that head of yours?"
She leant back on the couch and peered into the kitchen where she could see him staring at her. How had he known she had questions that desperately needed answers?
"I... I... I don't know what you're talking about."
"I know you better than you think I do. There's a lot of things that I understand about you now Lindsay, I told you that."
Words were still failing her so she simply ignored his attempts of chiselling away at the wall built around her. "How was the rest of your shift?"
"Now I know you might not have come round here for compliments on the way you look, but I also know for a fact you ain't here for a discussion about work." Danny surmised. "Don't make the small talk with me Linds, we both know what we really need to talk about here."
She watched him pick up a small sugar pot on the counter before placing it back down on the counter and shoving it away from him almost angrily. He turned and rummaged in one of the higher cupboards for a bag of sugar to sweeten her coffee just a little.
"Was it okay then?" she pressed.
He flung the teaspoon into the sink and with it, supplied her with an audible sigh. He made his way into the living room with their cups and handed her one before taking a seat next to her on the couch. He shook his head slowly and let out a soothing breath before initiating conversation again. "Linds, don't do this... come on. Why are you fighting me?"
"Why am I fighting you? Why are you fighting me Danny? I've been here waiting this whole time. You left me spiralling for weeks, me not knowing what the hell it is I've done – what you've done. I don't know why I have to fight for you. You should be mine. You were my boyfriend. You were my best friend... and now I've got nothing."
"I am yours, Linds."
"No you're not," she whispered. "You're not mine. You clearly never were mine, I just thought you were."
"I am, Lindsay." He told her, cupping her cheeks as he did so. "I'm yours, and you're mine."
"When it suits you." She sniffled as she slid further away from him on the couch. She hated this situation they'd found themselves in. She hated having this distance between them. She picked up her coffee from the coaster she'd set it on after he'd handed it to her. A coaster from the set that she'd bought him, on the coffee table she had helped him pick, that sat on the rug that he'd stolen from her apartment. She shook her head. He must have been going crazy; all these reminders of her everywhere he looked.
He had to deal with the same thing she did – the constant reminder that things weren't right; that they weren't okay. But really, there was nothing neither of them could do about it. They were stuck, with neither of them knowing how to wriggle free from the emotional mess they were in.
"How was the memorial?"
"What?"
"Ruben's memorial?" she reminded him, pointing to the purple leaflet that sat on the coffee table. "How did it go?"
"I - how did you know?"
"Well, that's a pretty huge hint," she again gestured to the purple leaflet, "But Flack told me; said that he thought you might need a friend." She said as she glanced around the apartment, scanning her eyes over the books that filled his bookshelf. "How did it go?"
"It was horrible." He shrugged as he settled onto the couch next to her after she had shifted away from him. "Hated every second; I was completely out of place. I didn't belong there... didn't deserve to be there either."
She simply nodded, not feeding his self pity. "Seen much of his mother?" She asked as she stood and moved away from him.
Danny paused momentarily before answering. "No, not really; she's moving." She wasn't sure whether his disheartened tone was that of a reaction to her moving away from him, or whether it was the fact that Ruben's Mom was leaving, thus leaving him and the pool of emotions he was still swimming in.
"Too many memories," he elaborated before adding, "I wish I could too, you know, move away from all these memories."
She pressed her lips together as a desperate attempt to stop the tears that threatened to fall. Lindsay ignored the pang of jealousy that struck her chest and made her way to the pool table and ran her fingertips over the wood. She placed her practically untouched coffee and on the breakfast bar before making her way back to the pool table.
How could he want to get rid of the memories with her? She wondered to herself as her fingers ran over the smooth wood she'd once perched on as she wrapped her legs tightly around his waist, pulling him close. How could he want to just... forget everything?
She understood that he wanted to rid himself of the constant guilt he felt every time he heard silence down the hall. She knew he wanted to rewind time and change the course of the day. He'd do things different, she knew that. Hell she would do things different. Things happened for a reason. She kept telling herself that over and over again, but those words just didn't fill the void she felt daily. Hourly. Constantly.
"Everything was so much simpler back then... we didn't have a clue, did we?"
"When?" he questioned, still sat on the couch's edge, unsure of where the conversation was headed.
"The time we had sex on here," she indicated to the pool table. "Everything was just... easy."
"Linds, it wasn't just sex. Not for me it wasn't."
"Whatever it was," she shrugged. "It was so much easier back then."
"It wasn't easy; we just hadn't dealt with anything as a couple." Danny reasoned.
"Having sex seems easy enough to me Danny."
"No Lindsay, we weren't just having sex. You forget about all the things we went through to get to the point where things were easy."
"Maybe so," she shrugged. "I just remember how happy I was when I pressed your buzzer that night... It was something I hadn't felt in a long time. I had butterflies and I couldn't wait to see you... and when I let myself in a few minutes ago, I felt dread. I felt sick to my stomach, and I never ever thought I'd feel that when I walked into this building. This was always my safe place. You were always my safe place; I always felt safe with you Danny and now I... I don't anymore."
"I can move... we can find a new safe place. A fresh start, you and me... our relationship."
"I don't know whether I want a 'we' anymore." She quietly admitted.
"You... you don't?"
"No," she shook her head slowly, surprised at the words tumbling from her mouth, but continued on regardless of what her heart was protesting. "Because I can't keep doing this," she gestured between the two of them. "I told you, it's messing with my work and it's breaking my heart, and you just don't care."
"I do care Lindsay. I care more than you know."
"We'd never be able to get what we had back now though," she continued.
"Time heals things Linds; all we need is time."
"Not this it doesn't," she shook her head. "What happened; nothing can heal that Danny."
"How do you know if you haven't even given us a chance?"
"Because I know Danny, okay? I just know."
"How do you know though? How can you be so sure?"
"I've changed, you changed. You're a totally different person to me now."
"Don't do that," he whispered. "Don't say that to me."
"I'm serious Danny, I don't know whether I want you back, I don't think I want there to be an 'us' anymore. I can't do it anymore. I can't be the person you don't want to fall back on. I can't watch you self destruct and be completely helpless because you won't let me help you. I've tried it and it's too hard. I love you Danny, I do. I love you more than you probably know, I just can't do this."
"I don't know what you want from me Linds." He ran his fingers through his hair. "What do you want?"
"What I want are the pieces of me you took with you when you left me spiralling, not knowing what to do to fix us, because when I lost you Danny I didn't know I would lose me too. I feel like I don't know who I am anymore. I worked hard to find myself Danny, and I thought I knew what it was that made me, but I knew nothing. You took that away from me."
"You never lost me though Lindsay."
"See, that's where you're wrong, because the second you saw Ruben in the morgue, that's when I lost you. When you walked away from me, I lost you. And I know that's selfish of me, and you probably think less of me for it, but you... I thought you were mine, and when you walked away from me, I realised that it was just my fingertips holding onto you. Over time it was clear that you had much more of a hold on me and you took a huge chunk of me. I tried so hard to help you Danny, I did, but now I'm done."
"Give me the chance to give back to you all that I took,"
"It's not that easy," Lindsay whispered. "You broke my heart. You can't fix that Danny."
"I've got a better chance of fixin' it than anyone else," he whispered. "Give me a chance Linds. Please."
"No," she whispered. "No, I can't."
"Why?"
"If I hadn't called you that day, none of this would have happened. You wouldn't have been distracted and Ruben wouldn't have taken off..."
"Linds, this is nobody fault but mine."
"We can both feel as guilty as sin, but we both know that the gun would have still been fired. I just sometimes wonder that if you hadn't been on the phone to me, you would have had a better track on him and you would have realised and- I'm sorry." She sighed. "I'm sure you've been over all that before... I shouldn't have said that."
"I just – Linds... I don't think you understand the guilt I feel. It should have-"
"Survivors guilt, Danny? You don't think I understand survivor's guilt? I could teach the masterclass on survivor's guilt."
"I didn't mean to-"
"No, because you don't think about me; you didn't think about how I could have helped you. I know I said I wasn't very good at that kind of thing, but you never gave me a chance to prove myself wrong. When I took your hands in the hallway of the ME's office and you just let your fingertips slide through mine, I knew... I knew you had just shut down completely. I knew then that I'd lost you. I could have helped you if you had given me the chance, I would have moved mountains to help you."
"I know that now," he whispered from where he sat.
"It's too late." She whispered in return. "It's too little and too late."
"Linds, I gave you another chance."
"Don't do that," she shook her head. "This is a totally different situation Danny. What you did and what I did are two completely different things."
"You still hurt me."
"I hurt your ego!" She implored. "I didn't hurt you. I didn't make you cry. I didn't make you squeeze your pillow at night, subconsciously wishing that it was you, and everything was just a bad dream. I didn't make you feel like you'd lost your best friend."
"I wouldn't be so sure about that."
"Don't," she whispered. "Don't turn this around on me. Don't make this my fault."
"I'm just sayin' we've both hurt each other."
"Not like this we haven't." She so desperately wanted to tell him what she suspected. What she, deep down, knew he'd done. But every time she opened her mouth the words dissolved on her tongue.
"How are you doing?" He asked her.
"What do you mean?" She spat at him, infuriated at his question – how could he change the subject so quickly and to something so ridiculous.
"How are you doing?" He repeated. "Without me, how is it?"
She narrowed her eyes and couldn't help the growl of frustration that reverberated in her chest. "I'm fine. Things without you are fine."
"You never think about me?"
"No," she shook her head. "Over the past few weeks I haven't really thought about you at all." Lies.
He nodded slowly. "Well I think about you all the time."
"No you don't." She shook her head. "I'm the last thing on your mind."
"I wouldn't be so sure about that." He shook his head. "I know I've made mistakes with you Lindsay and I know that I haven't been the best boyfriend... but you're on my mind all the time. I might not be able to put my feelings into words right now, but I care about you."
She tried not to hear his words because she knew that she'd just soak in it all in... his lies... and that wouldn't get her anywhere in her attempts of getting over him. "You know what, Danny? Loving you is like a having a fight with a rubber band. We keep pulling at each other until someone lets it go, and it hurts the one who held on. There's always the threat of getting hurt, but for some reason unbeknown to me, I keep holding on just in case you don't let go. You keep hurting me Danny and I can't do this. How many times do you want me to tell you that? I don't know what part of it you don't understand. I can't be in a relationship with you anymore."
She bit her lip as the look on his face fell. She flashed back to well over a year ago when she'd said the exact same words to him. And his face looked the exact same as it did back then... just now, now he looked defeated. There was less determination in his eyes.
He was slowly beginning to realise that he'd lost her.
And the second she saw that in his eyes, she felt like bursting into tears, begging for him make things better. Tell her that things would be okay. But he knew as well as she did they were a simple fingertip away from letting go of the edge. And below them there was no safety net.
Finally, his shaky voice broke the silence. "I understand Linds, I do... I just-" He fought internally as he decided whether or not to admit what was on his mind. "I just don't like what I'm hearin' and I hope that if I keep pushin' I'll eventually hear the answer I want."
And there it was... the sentence Lindsay dreaded to hear. She knew he was a stubborn asshole. She knew that when he had his sights set on something, it was his. The thing was, she didn't know how much more resolve she had in fighting with him. His determination was fading, but it was still there... and it hurt. Why did it hurt? Because she knew what was going on behind her back. She wasn't stupid and he wasn't clever; he'd done himself no favours in sneaking around. She was perfectly capable in closing her eyes to things that she didn't want to see, but at the end of the day, she'd come to the conclusion that she couldn't close her heart to things that she didn't want to feel.
"Every couple goes through rocky patches Linds; this one is just a bump in the road for us."
A bump in the road, she thought? Rather a frigging car crash!
Sensing her internal battle; or more specifically internal protest, Danny let out a sigh. "Linds, I never once told you no. I never said that we couldn't have a second chance. Please give me a chance."
"I didn't do what you did though Danny."
"You pushed me away." Danny reminded her. "I'll hold my hands up and say I pushed you away and I'm sorry sweetheart. I am."
She opened her mouth to tell him that he was a liar, a cheat... a heartbreaker. She wanted to tell him she knew he was lying and how dare he have the balls to stand there and lie. How dare he stand there and put them both in the same category. What she had done to him was in a far different league to what he'd done to her.
But instead, she closed her mouth. She was fighting a losing battle, and instead of saying all the things she needed to say, she shook her head. "I shouldn't have even come here tonight... I don't know what I was thinking." And although her mind was screaming at her to move, she didn't; she couldn't help but listen to the instructions of her heart. And what was it telling her to do?
Stay.
She wasn't sure of what he was doing when he stood, but before she knew it, he was approaching her as she leant against the pool table, her body still unwilling to move. As he advanced towards her, Lindsay found her heart racing in her chest. He knew he had to give her a reason to stay, and the new-found determination showed in his eyes.
As he inched closer to her, her better sense kicked in, and she was now kicking herself for not moving before. She was pretty much positive she wasn't ready for such a shift in their rocky and unstable relationship. She wanted to be mad that he'd treated her the way he had. She wanted to hit him, throw things at him... but the second his hands connected with her face, cupping her cheeks and holding her in place as he kissed her; she remembered all the reasons why she fell in love.
And for the first time in a hell of a long time, she temporarily forgot the reasons why she was trying to fall out of love.
He wanted her just as much as she wanted him and she honestly had no idea why. Sex should have been the last thing on her mind – especially with him... yet, it seemed like the only fix. No, she corrected herself, not the only fix, but a quick fix. If they could maybe take a trip back to when things were so easy and simple, it may just help her forget about what he did; what she knew he'd done. And it may just remind her that deep down, she knew he was worth it.
"We can't." She whispered as his lips connected with her neck. "Sex is only going to make this more complicated."
"It never did in the past, did it?" Danny asked as his hands slid down her slender frame. "You can't tell me this doesn't feel right, Montana."
"Don't." She whispered. "Don't call me that."
"Lindsay," he muttered. "C'mon, you've always been my Montana and you know that."
"Danny..." she trailed off, letting her head roll back slightly, trying to fight the tears off. "It's not that easy anymore."
"Linds," He continued to nip and kiss at the spot he knew sent shivers down her spine. "You can't say this doesn't feel right."
"It's wrong, Danny." She insisted. "We shouldn't..."
"Stop me then," he whispered as he lifted her onto the pool table. He stepped away from her; giving her the space he was beginning to realise that she needed.
She had to make a decision; he'd given her the choice. She could let go of everything. She could let go of the years that they'd spent together, as friends and now more recently, a couple. She could let go of the way he made her feel. She could let go of the way his arms felt, wrapped protectively around her. She could let go of the little things that made him Danny; all the little things that had somehow turned into what meant the most to her. Or... she could listen to her heart.
As her legs tangled themselves around his waist and pulled him closer, she realised that her decision had already been made.
Her heart was always going to win.
"Linds?"
"Actions speak louder than words," she whispered. "Show me that you're sorry."
Panting, he drew back to look at her, trying to weigh up whether or not she was really comfortable with his advances.
"Don't make me regret this, Danny." She whispered. "I don't know how much more my heart can take." As soon as she finished her sentence, a single tear slipped down her cheek that he instantly caught with his lips. That tear was then followed by another, and another... and another.
"Don't cry," he whispered. "Baby c'mon, don't cry."
With his words, it was like he'd ripped open the flood-gates. It hadn't been his requests for her not to cry, nor had it been the way he'd called her baby; but it was more the fact that he'd so delicately spoken the words to her. His genuine concern for her was something she'd been so desperate for over the past few months, and now she had it, she wasn't sure she'd be able to deal with letting it go.
She caught her tears with her fingertips, swiping them away as they fell. As she did so, he wrapped his arms around her pulling her into his chest, casting his eyes down to look at her with concern; genuine concern. Not lust, not desire, she wasn't even sure love. But raw and brutally honest concern for her.
Without saying a word, she wrapped her fingertips around the material of his shirt and held him close, savouring the closeness between the two of them. If anything, this had been what she needed. She'd needed his protective touch to make her feel like things weren't falling to pieces around her. With the fist of material that she had, it enabled her to tug him even closer and her lips sought out his, placing a soft kiss to his unsuspecting lips. Within mere seconds, she was teasing his lips with her probing tongue, desperate to deepen their kiss.
"Are you sure?" he whispered.
She nodded.
"You don't look sure." He pointed out, breathlessly.
"I'm scared," she whispered. "I want you and I want us back. I want to be everything we know that we can be, but I'm scared of losing you again. I lost you once and I don't think I could lose you again."
"You won't lose me, Linds. Not again. You're never gonna lose me."
"How can you promise that?"
"You're just gonna hafta trust me, Linds."
Easier said than done, she thought to herself. How could she trust him when the trust in their relationship had been torn to pieces? She hesitated as she sealed her lips to his, placing a soft kiss to his lips, letting them linger for a moment before pulling away. "Kiss me," she whispered.
His lips were soft against her's and lingered everytime he briefly pulled away from her. His kisses were sending her back to a simpler time; when they happily kissed for hours on end without a care in the world.
She felt her mind wander as she lost herself in his kiss. She'd said 'I love you' to him once before. Once before that fateful day at least. They'd come in from a team bonding night out, slightly well... wasted. She'd been teasing him all night in her heels and short skirt, and he'd been sure that he'd made the entire bar aware of the fact that she was his.
They'd flirted the whole night, well when they weren't all over each other. They had slipped themselves into booth as the rest of the team simply rolled their eyes at the two love-birds that appeared to lose all their inhibitions after the fifth shot of Jack Daniels... or had it been their sixth? However many shots it had been, they hadn't given their jostling colleagues an ounce of notice, arguing that they were just jealous.
Danny hadn't been able to get her home quick enough that night and his prayers were answered as she pinned him to the door just outside of her apartment, attacking him with her lips. Her kisses had quickly progressed and they'd somehow managed to have sex up against her front door. That there had been his first indication that Lindsay was highly intoxicated from the alcohol. Never ever in her right mind would she engage in kissing in front of their team, let alone have sex against her front door in the hallway.
They'd eventually made it inside, collapsed on the couch and had engaged in round two – which had been equally explosive as round one had been, but less... frantic. There was less need and more want between them.
Three hours later, after falling asleep in a tangled mess, Danny had managed to carry Lindsay to the bedroom and undressed her down to her underwear. Just as he had been climbing into his designated side, of which he'd stolen from her at her own place, she'd grabbed his hand and pulled him on top of her, covering his face with her kisses.
He'd laughed as her half-asleep self loved on him; making a mental note that he'd tease her when she was so desperately hung-over the next morning, but suddenly, with just one strategically placed kiss, his giggles and plots of suffering dissolved and he was putty in her hands.
She whispered it against his shoulder as she'd hit her climax, and it wasn't until after she realised what she'd said. She thought she was safe and he hadn't heard, but just as she drifted off to sleep, she'd heard him ask her if he'd heard her correctly.
So she lied.
She'd thought back then it was far too soon for an admission of love, they were too early in their relationship and she didn't want to ruin things, nor did she want put them in a serious relationship. Of course they were in a relationship, but with 'I love you' being passed back and forth, she'd reasoned to herself that there was pressure on them that was unnecessary. So thinking on her feet, she'd told him she'd said she loved the way he made her feel, arguing that she was in the throes of passion when she'd said it and it was nothing for him to worry about. But, when the time was right, she'd say it properly.
Except the time had been right back then; she'd just been too scared of him running away. But now, she thought, he'd managed to find the distance between them she had been so scared of, which left her wondering; what if... what if she had told him that night? What if she hadn't told him a white lie?
Before she could stop it, she could feel the words bubbling out of her; her emotions overtaking her better sense. "I love you," she whispered against his neck, sending chills down his spine.
"What?" he swallowed, backing away from where she was perched on the edge of the pool table. "What did you say?"
"I love you," she repeated, her fingers digging into his biceps as he stopped his kisses. "I- I know it's the wrong time," she panted. "But I do, I love you, and I don't-"
"Ssshhh," he whispered as he pressed a kiss to her cheek. "I- I-I lo-"
She waited as he pressed a kiss to the tip of her nose and buried his head in the crook of her neck.
Even though she couldn't blame him and hadn't expected it, her heart sank. She desperately tried to shake it, but she couldn't. Had he said he loved her, there in that moment, she would have had a rush, and it would have been amazing and hazed some of what she was feeling by masking it with the thought and knowledge that he loved her. He could have said it to her and not meant it, and she would have been none the wiser, but the fact that he hadn't said it; she couldn't help but feel empty.
"I really care for you Lindsay," he whispered. "I- I- just- right now it wouldn't be fair for me to say it when I've done all that I have to you. I hope that you can un-"
"I get it," she admitted, kicking herself at the hurt in her voice. "I didn't..."
"I do," he whispered in her ear. "I do and I want you to know that. I just right now – I can't..."
She nodded, accepting what he was saying, but still feeling dejected and hurt. She knew she would hold it against herself in the morning, but with his lips on her, his arms around her, and his body moving in time to her own; it made the love she had for him, outshine everything else she was feeling. The hurt, betrayal, rejection...
"I need to feel you," she whispered.
"I thought-"
"Remind me how it used to feel like to be your girl," she whispered. "Remind me how I used to feel back then."
"You still are my girl, Linds."
"Just... show me, remind me."
Complying, he released her, "Move over baby," he whispered huskily as she shuffled further onto the pool table, giving him enough room to manoeuvre himself onto the surface.
Her heart was racing and she could feel herself blushing as she realised what was about to happen... again. Except this time, she felt conscious. Was it going to be the same? Would he feel the same? Would he look at her in a different way after... after he'd...
She fought the tears once again. In an attempt to hide her eyes filling with tears, she tugged her shirt over her head and when she struggled in getting it off, she felt his hands stopping her and pulling her shirt back down her body.
"Linds, if this isn't what you want to do then we- I'm not gonna sit here and make you feel like you have t-"
"I want to." She nodded. "I want you, I miss you, I just – I guess I'm a little nervous. It's been a while since we-" she gestured between the two of them.
He nodded in understanding and stared at her for a moment. He took a deep breath before his nimble fingers went to her buttons and slowly began the process of undressing her. After he successfully removed her shirt, he made work on undressing himself with slightly more haste as he tore his shirt over his head. Their other garments quickly followed in the same direction as Lindsay soaked in the attentiveness of his fingers on her body.
Much like their undressing, Danny had taken the lead in their lovemaking, ensuring that no area of Lindsay was left untouched or un-kissed. His lips, she could honestly say, had touched every inch of her body before he had even started, to which her skin had responded to instantly with goose pimples. Her fingers had curled around his biceps, willing and urging him to relent in his teasing and give her what she wanted; what she needed.
"Please Danny," she whispered, sliding her fingers through his hair and directing his face so that he met her gaze. "I just want-"
With a sad smile of what they used to be, he understood what she was asking of him and he pressed kisses to her thigh as he followed the natural direction of her body until he covered her with his own body. "Are you sure this is what you want?" he whispered as he peppered her neck and shoulder with his soft kisses.
She nodded breathlessly. "I want you." She wasn't sure whether it would be wise to tell him all she wanted was him, so she decided against finishing the rest of her sentence.
When he connected them intimately, she cried out and squeezed her fingers into his strong arms; biting her lip to prevent her emotions from spilling out. Once he'd begun his rhythm, she met him halfway with her pelvis, ensuring that unlike his actions prior, he wasn't doing all the work.
She wrapped her legs around him as his arms wound themselves around her body, holding her close.
"God I've missed you, Montana." he whispered in her ear softly. His pace was languorous and the soft timbre of his voice was adding to her heightened libido. "I know it's been tough on you," he continued on, "But I promise you baby; things are gonna get better."
Her fingers scrambled from his arms to his back, digging her nails in as his words dangled her dangerously over the edge. Her emotional and physical connection with Danny was undoubtedly still the same; if not strengthened in his absence from her life. She wasn't sure whether she was sensitive to his touch, to the words he was whispering to her or just emotionally sensitive; but all three combined was quickly sending her over the proverbial edge into oblivion.
Usually, when she and Danny made love she knew what to expect afterwards. From where she was now though, she didn't have a clue – and she didn't know how she felt about that.
"I know you're close," he whispered. "I've got'cha baby. I'm not gonna let go." He said, following through on his promise as he tightened the makeshift cocoon he'd wrapped her in with his arms. "I won't let go this time."
Her fingers dug deeply into Danny's back as she felt the initial fluttering of her climax hit. She caught his lips in a passionate kiss, muffling the sounds of her cries and moans when she, just a few seconds later, felt her walls come tumbling down around her as she fell over that proverbial edge. And right enough just like he'd promised her, his arms were still tightly wrapped around her slender frame as she came down from her high.
During her climax she'd felt Danny still in his rhythm as he spilled into her; yet she hadn't been any wiser.
"I told you I wouldn't let go," he offered her a smile as he buried his head in the crook of her neck, his chest rising and falling rapidly from his exertion. "I promised you, and I didn't, did I?"
She shook her head with a small smile tugging at her lips. "You didn't let go." She admitted.
"Nope," he mused sleepily, his eyes drooping as he desperately tried to maintain their conversation. "Not this time. Not again... I'm not lettin' go."
She counted to three in her head and as she reached the last of her countdown, she felt his even breathing on her shoulder. She let out a long sigh as she soaked up the feeling of being wrapped tightly in Danny's arms.
Although it'd been emotional, she was... was she glad that it had happened? One part of her, a very sated and sleepy side of her was glad that they'd reconnected. But then another part of her was raising the alarm within the confines of her heart. What had she done? She'd just foolishly smashed down all the walls that she'd carefully constructed over the past few months. And for what? One night of reminding herself that the person she loved most in the world wasn't her's anymore. Or was he? She couldn't be sure.
She let out a sigh as she felt his grip on her releasing just a little as he fell deeper into his slumber. She knew what had happened in this apartment. She knew he'd been unfaithful to her. Whether he'd done it spitefully or unwittingly was beyond her; but she knew. He didn't need to say anything – she just knew.
She could feel the emotions building up inside of her until she couldn't help the words bubbling out of her.
"I'm mad with you," she whispered to his chest, half of her hoping he was in fact asleep, but the other half praying he was listening to everything she had to say. "God Danny, I'm so, so mad with you. I don't understand why. How could you do that to me?"
Looking at his serene features, she sighed. "Well, I know why – I might not understand why but I know why... you didn't think." She sighed sadly as she ran a finger down his chest affectionately. "You didn't care. You knew that it would hurt me, but you didn't think twice about what you were actually doing. I know you didn't, because the real you, the person I know, wouldn't treat me the way that you have. The Danny that flew to Montana for me wouldn't have - he wouldn't have done it. You don't know how much I love you, and it hurts me that I never got to tell you how much I loved you before all of this. There's always a part of me that says that if I had told you how I felt before, none of this would have happened..."
Realising that he was now completely asleep, she let out a troubled sigh. "You slept with her, didn't you?" she whispered. "You slept with her to numb her pain, just like you did with me after I got back from Montana. When you knew I was hurting... you slept with me, when you knew she was hurting, you slept with her... and now – now you know I'm hurting again, you've slept with me again. God..." she sighed as realisation quickly spread it's way through her gut, weighing her down. "I'm so stupid. God, I'm so stupid!"
Tears filled her eyes as she slowly extracted herself from his arms. What a freaking train wreck this was, she mused to herself. An emotional train wreck that had just plummeted off the tracks into an abyss. Deciding that she was left with only one option, she sniffled and took a deep breath, preparing herself as she jumped down from the pool table. She then gathered her clothes quickly before redressing and then padded to his bedroom to grab the spare comforter that lay at the foot of his bed.
As she carried the quilt in her hands, she realised that she genuinely felt sick to her stomach. What had obviously happened in that room... and now she... No tears! She berated herself as she aired out the comforter and laid it on top of him. She took a moment to look at him. He looked so peaceful; but there were still stress and worry lines creasing his forehead. She brushed his hair back and pressed a delicate kiss to his forehead, lingering for a moment as she inhaled his scent.
God she missed him.
Before her emotions took over and changed her mind, she broke herself away from him and went in search for a notepad and pen.
Finding one on the breakfast bar, next to a jar of sugar which seemed odd and out of place for his kitchen, she shook it off and picked up the pad. Her eyes scanned the notes for a moment until her eyes zoned in on something that stood out to her. In the middle of the page, her name was in the middle of a circle, with lots of different arrows pointing away from it. Taking a seat on the stool, she let out a breath as she read what he'd written. In one direction, the words at the end of the arrow said 'how much you miss her miss her'. At the end of another, it said: 'tell her you're sorry for pushing her away'. At the end of a different one it said: 'tell her how much you love her'.
She couldn't help the whimper that left her lips as a tear slid down her cheek and smudged the ink as it hit the page. Instantly, she thought of the phone call they'd shared hours previous. He'd obviously tried to organise his thoughts before calling her.
Her eyes were glued to just one arrow: 'tell her how much you love her'. He hadn't. She didn't know why he hadn't, but honestly? She was glad. If he did love her like he seemed to think (enough to write it onto paper at least) then, as much as it hurt her to admit it, that was enough. It was neither the time, nor the place in their relationship to start love admissions; even though she'd done it. Her's had been a last resort; a wake-up call of sorts. That and an emotional confession...
She swallowed as she wiped her eyes and placed the notepad where she'd picked it up from on the breakfast bar, and went off in search of a different pad. He'd obviously forgotten about his little prompt note and even though it wasn't her fault, she felt like she'd invaded his privacy a little.
Finally finding a pad of paper, she sat down at the bar and twiddled the pen between her fingers as she considered the best way to tell him she'd left not long after he'd fallen asleep.
Taking a deep breath, she shrugged; honesty was the best policy.
Danny,
I really didn't want to leave a note but you looked really peaceful and I didn't want to wake you up.
I thought it was probably for the best that I went home... I've got the early shift in the morning and really, I need to clear my head properly before going to work. I've borrowed a jacket; I'll make sure you get it back ASAP. And I won't get a cab; don't worry!
We made a mistake tonight; I think we're rushing in too fast. We still have a lot to talk about and what happened tonight is only going to complicate things if we keep doing it. Some of the things you did really hurt me, like shutting me out and missing my birthday. I think I've made that pretty clear though. I think we both know that there are some areas that have gone unsaid that probably need to be brought up to the surface. We need to clean our slate so that we can move forward.
I might regret what happened tomorrow, next week, maybe even next month... But I'm not sorry this happened. Tonight was special to me Danny, I want you to know that. So if I get angry and throw what happened tonight back in your face, claiming it was a mistake, I want you to know that it meant a lot to me and I'm just hurting. It's going to take a while for me to get over everything; and if you still want us - if you still want me - you're just going to have to bear with me and be patient with me.
I'll see you soon and we'll talk then, because I want to move on from this... tonight, although it's had it's up and downs, has made me realise I really want to see if we can make it, me and you. I want to get things out in the open and then maybe, we can try for a second chance?
Lindsay.
She considered signing it Montana, but as quickly as the thought came into her head, it disappeared again. She didn't want to give him hope only to snatch it away again. She wasn't sure whether they could make it work, but God was she going to try.
She capped the pen with its lid and strategically placed the letter, propped up against the little bowl of sugar that sat on the counter, so that if he woke up and looked around for her, he'd see it sat on the counter explaining where she was.
She slipped her feet into her shoes and tip-toed across his floor once again and took one last chance to press a kiss to his forehead. She let her lips linger there for longer than before and as he stirred, she cringed and quickly pulled away. The last thing she wanted was for him to wake up and see her leave. But this was just something she had to do.
She found her bag and reached inside and grabbed her keys that held the set he'd had cut specially for her. Letting out a sigh, she unlocked the door, slipped out and re-locked it behind her. She then leant against the door and took a series of deep breaths.
She'd heard that there comes a point in your life when you realise who really matters, who never did, and who always will. And despite herself, she knew that Danny would always be that person in her life that mattered, that always mattered; no matter what.
"What's that you've got there?"
Lindsay jumped from her place on the floor and turned to face Patrick as he made his way into her bedroom that was quickly emptying as the day drew on.
"Just a little letter." She shrugged, folding the note she'd left Danny that night and placing it back where she'd found it. "Reminding me of where I've been and where I don't want to go again."
"From Danny?" he inquired, just a tint of jealousy in his tone.
"To Danny actually," She corrected him. "I'm not sure how I ended up with it to be honest."
"Can I see?"
"Would you want to do that to yourself?" she asked, a little surprised at his request.
"I don't know, do I?"
"I've got nothing to hide," she offered it to him. "But you've got to understand where I was at that point, and understand that I'm nowhere near that place anymore. Things have changed since then."
Patrick nodded and considered taking the outstretched letter for a moment or two before shaking his head. "You know what, it's not my place; I don't even know why I asked actually. I'm just jealous." He winked playfully at her. "As much as I try not to trash talk the guy, sometimes I just can't help the jealousy I get right about here," he pointed to his chest. "You're my girl and I hate that he- I'm going off topic," he blushed as he caught himself in the middle of a rant.
"You've got nothing to be jealous about." She assured him with a smile. "I'm done with that part of my life." She shook her head. "It was way too messy and it wasn't healthy for me or him. Besides," she paused. "You're cute when you get defensive."
He offered her a warm smile before holding up the reason why he'd come into her bedroom in the first place. "So, what do you want me to do with this?" he questioned.
Her eyes soaked in the object that he was holding up, and a pang of longing filled her chest. "Oh that? Um," she paused scratched her head as she tried to make her decision. "Uh, could you put it in the things to be shipped?"
"Really?" He asked, slightly shocked at her decision. "It looks pretty worn and battered. I was just gonna toss it out but I wanted to check first."
"I know it's tatty," she shrugged. "But it's got a lot of sentimental value. It used to be my brother's. He taught me how to catch with it. It's silly I know, but it means a lot to me."
"Say no more," Patrick offered her a smile. "I'm glad I asked now."
She smiled brightly at him before turning back to the shoebox of things she was rifling through. She closed her eyes as guilt washed over her. She felt horrible about lying to Patrick about the baseball glove, but Danny had given that to her after they'd spent an afternoon and evening in his childhood neighbourhood, throwing his lucky baseball back and forth to one another on the very pitch that he used to play little league on. As much as she had moved on from him, she wasn't ready to give it up. It meant too much to him for her to just throw it out. And if she was completely honest, it meant too much to her to throw such a special memory away as if it meant nothing.
Even after everything that had happened; she just wasn't ready to let it go and she was doing everything in her power not to ask herself why she was keeping sentimental gifts from her ex-boyfriend. She also was desperately trying to overlook the fact that she'd just lost herself for fifteen minutes as she relived one of two most emotional nights in her entire life. She desperately tried not to overanalyse the fact that when she thought about it, she could still feel Danny's touch just as much as she'd felt it on top of the pool table all those months ago.
As it stood, she was overlooking every feeling of uncertainty and longing; praying that as soon as she left New York, those feelings would leave her too.
She just wasn't sure how well that would work out for her.
eeeeks! I'd really appreciate it if you let me know what you thought. I hope it was okay! Thanks for reading, guys! :)