A/N: Hey guys! Another update for you. I'm gonna keep this A/N short and sweet because, well, we're getting to the good parts, so mum's the word! I'm going to reply to your lovely reviews in the morning because it's nearly 3.30am and I'm exhausted, (excuses, excuses! I know...) Glad that some of you are still sticking around. We've got two more chapters after this one here, so it's winding down now - which means... well you'll see ;)
Now this song, omg, go and Youtube it. Pia is a brilliant singer and the song is just pure love! I've had it on repeat all night. It wasn't the original song I had for this chapter but it fit kind of well, so I was like let's do this! So yes, go Youtube it!
Huge thank you to those who reviewed last chapter. I'll send you personal replies later, but for now, massive hugs to: Lady-Buster, rhymenocerous, 18lzytwner, cklovesm-m, brendanakai, afrozenheart412.
This Time – Pia Toscano
This time, I'm gonna do it my way. This time I'm finding out the hard way. This time I'm gonna go back to the girl I was on the night you found me. No more, holding back the real me. Just wait; in a minute you'll see, this time, just in time, it's my time for getting back to the real me.
"Um, I'm sorry Lindsay, but could you just remind me who is it with the Detective badge? Yeah, I thought so. Myself. So while your theory is fantastic, how about you leave those theories to me and you stick to processing my evidence and giving me my results." Lindsay growled in annoyance, replaying that damned conversation over and over in her head. She'd never, ever spoken to anyone like that before. She'd never played the Detective card. She'd never needed to. It wasn't like that back in New York. Nor was it like that in Montana. They'd been a team, a family - not part of a contest.
She fumed as she aggressively pulled into a parking spot and parked her car in the garage. She then stomped all the way up the stairs because their elevator was out once again. Who spoke to people like that? She continued her inward rant. Who was rude enough to speak to people they worked with like that? Especially considering that douchebag needed her in order to solve his damn cases with his damn theories... because Lord knew he was physically incapable of picking up a damn test tube himself.
"UGH!" She cried as she hit her front door with her hand in frustration when she'd lost her patience with her keys and the door lock. She took great pleasure in envisioning Callaghan's face, because smacking him upside the head a few times would be a much better pain than the throbbing that was going on with her hand from hitting the door. Within seconds the door was opened with a concerned Patrick stood on the other side.
"Hey babe," he said tentatively. "Bad day?"
"You don't even know," she growled as she made her way into the apartment. "Worst day ever."
"What happened?"
"I don't want to talk about it." She snapped as she kicked her shoes off angrily and silently made her way to the couch, dropping herself down dramatically.
Patrick followed her silently and nudged her forwards settling behind her on the couch. He pulled her into his body and wrapped his arms tightly around her as he pressed a kiss to her temple. "Well, it's over now. You don't have to worry about whatever happened."
"It's only going to be the same again tomorrow." She grumped at him. "It's the same every day. Most days I'm just lucky enough not to get it to my face."
"Well, there were those other positions you were offered. Surely you could-"
"They've been snapped up, Patrick." She growled. "The world doesn't exactly have time to wait for me to make my mind up whether or not I like a job."
"Okay," he nodded as his fingers fused to her shoulders, kneading the knots from her muscles. "Okay, well if you want to vent to me, go ahead. I'm all ears."
"No," she sighed, melting underneath his touch. "No, because if I start I won't stop. Let's change the subject - how was your day?"
"Good," Patrick smiled against her skin as he pressed a soft kiss to her shoulder. "we made great progress with the James' deal. It looks like we might close it by the end of the week."
"Oh yeah?" Lindsay smiled over her shoulder. "That's great honey," she offered him a kiss. "I'm proud of you."
"Yeah, so construction will probably get started up soon. Thank God, I think my bosses were beginning to think they'd made a mistake in hiring me."
"No," Lindsay shook her head. "You're brilliant at what you do and they can see that. There's no way they'd regret hiring you."
He pressed another kiss to her temple. "I got you something."
"Oh yeah?" she smiled, feeling her bad mood slowly filter away.
"Yeah, close your eyes, let me go get them."
"Them?" she squeaked. "There's more than one?"
"You'll see." He grinned as he extracted himself out from behind her and climbed over the arm of the chair. Seconds later, Patrick was back, desperately trying to prevent his present from rustling.
"Alright, open your eyes."
Lindsay opened her eyes and forced a smile. "Aw, wow."
"You don't like them," he frowned instantly. "Is it because they're too pink?"
"No, no sweetheart, no it's not that. They're gorgeous."
"That's it?" Patrick teased. "Gorgeous? Lindsay... just tell me if you don't like them. You won't hurt my feelings... that much at least." He winked playfully at her.
"No, it's a lovely gesture and so sweet of you to get me flowers."
"But..."
"I don't want to sound ungrateful," she protested.
"But..." he prompted once again with an encouraging smile.
"But," She sighed, "I've told you before, and you've seen how bad I am with flowers..."
"See, I thought about that." Patrick smirked. "So I went ahead and made dinner too. It's your favourite."
"You made that Thai curry I found the recipe for?" She gasped in excitement.
"No," he frowned. "I uh, actually I made my mom's casserole."
"Oh!" she cringed.
A silence fell between them that unnerved Lindsay. It wasn't a comfortable silence that she'd become accustomed to. It was more awkward, leaving her with an overwhelming urge to fill the silence between them. "Well that's my second favourite if that's any conciliation."
"I'm not too hot with my surprises tonight am I?" he mused, clearly disheartened.
"No, no honey, come on. I've just had a bad day and I'm out of sync. It's not you, it's me." She stood up and wrapped her arms around his neck and placed a soft kiss to his lips. "Come on, you can help me with these flowers and we can cuddle until dinner's ready. You can tell me all about the James' deal."
Patrick smiled, the twinkle slowly coming back to his green eyes as he tangled his fingers between her's and led her off to the kitchen to help his hopeless girlfriend with her flowers.
"So basically, when it comes down to it, he's going to be tied into the contract and won't be able to back out. Isn't that great?"
"It doesn't sound so great for him." Lindsay furrowed her brow. "What if... I'm not sure whether I understand. Explain it to me from your side; it might make more sense if I can understand why that would be good."
"Well, for the company, we need to make sure that he stays with us; rather than going elsewhere. So once his pen touches that line, he can't change his mind... which is great for us babe, trust me."
"But what about them? What if something happens to say his family or company and financially he can't afford anymore?"
"Meh," Patrick shrugged. "It's a dog eat dog world, he knows what he's getting into if he reads the small print."
"What are the chances of him reading the small print?" Lindsay mused.
"It's there for him to read" Patrick shrugged. "Really, he should be sometimes it's overlooked, it's hard to say."
Lindsay nodded in understanding. "So because you're project manager on this does that mean you get any extra benefits with it being such a big deal."
"Not on this one... I think they want to see how well I do."
Lindsay nodded. "But it's a start."
"Yep," Patrick smiled. "So all we need now is for someone on your lovely crime scene team to get shot or get pregnant and then you can get yourself in there, personally my vote is Callaghan, and then everything will be perfect for us."
"Well, I won't go as far as wanting someone to get shot... not even that waste of space." she fumed. "I'm not that unhappy."
"You're not the one that has to wipe your tears though, babe," Patrick poked her nose from across the table. He then offered her a smile as he poured himself another glass of wine. "You'll get your big break soon though honey, that door is gonna swing open for you."
"I hope so," she sighed, once again falling into that silence between them that she'd become to notice.
She picked up her glass and took a healthy sip of her wine. After the day she'd had, a few awkward silences were the least of her worries.
Clearly though, Patrick was not as comfortable as she was with their silence. "Other than work, is everything else okay?"
"How'd you mean?" she questioned, running her fingertips over the rim of her wine glass as she placed it back on the table top. "Of course everything is okay."
"Sure?"
"Absolutely," she insisted. "Why wouldn't everything be okay? You're okay aren't you?"
"More than," he replied.
"Well there you go. You're okay, I'm okay. We're both okay."
That same silence fell between them for a prolonged period of time while they consumed their dinner. Lindsay threw in the complimentary pleasurable moans as she progressed through her meal; gushing over his culinary skills as she felt was appropriate, and he in turn brushed off her compliments, arguing that he simply followed a strict recipe from his mother. Then finally, after another extended period of silence, Patrick placed his knife and fork down noisily, instantly gaining her attention.
"Alright," Looking up from his dinner, he sighed. "What's the problem?"
Furrowing her brow, Lindsay sat back a little at his abrupt tone, "What?"
"What's the problem?" He repeated, a little softer with his tone this time.
"What are you talking about? I'm fine! There isn't a problem... I told you I was fine earlier. I just had a bad day at work."
"See, I thought that... but babe, I'm not so sure. You haven't seemed as happy in a long time now."
"That's crazy!" she implored. "You know I've been stressed with all this work stuff. That's all. It's enough to send the happiest person in the world to a state of depression. I just need to find my place and I'll be fine."
"Yeah and how many times do you expect me to buy that Lindsay? Don't you realise that I've been constantly making an effort every night to try and make you happy?"
"Yes, and I'm happy," she smiled at him. "I might not have said it out loud, but I've picked up on how sweet you've been. And I love you for it. You know how I appreciate all that you've done for me."
"I know you appreciate me, but I'm not sure whether it's enough anymore."
"Patrick," she sighed, pushing her dinner away from her. "Look, this is getting blown way out of proportion."
"Linds, just hear me out here for a minute."
She opened her mouth to protest but decided against it and fell silent, giving him the chance to explain himself.
"Look, I've tried really hard not to think too much about it, but ever since we left New York, I can't help but notice that you've been different. Initially I put it down to stress and adjustment. It's a big thing that we did together and I know that this hasn't been easy on you. You gave up a lot and I wanted to give you the space that you needed to make sure that you were comfortable here in Chicago and you were comfortable here with me... But as time has passed, I've had a niggling feeling in the pit of my stomach telling me that maybe it isn't just you trying to adjust. I have a sneaky feeling it's something bigger."
"I'll admit I was unhappy at the college, but you knew that. You knew how much I hated it. I thought I'd like it... teaching, but it wasn't for me. I'm finally edging my way into the crime lab and things will get better. We just need a bit more time and I'll be back to myself."
"I can't help but wonder though whether you would have been any different if you would have walked into a crime scene job from the get-go. I don't want to start an argument here baby, I really don't, but I really don't think you're happy here, are you?"
"You're being silly," she informed him. "Let's just finish dinner and talk about it later."
"Like we usually do?" he sighed. "I think it needs to be addressed. How long do you think we can go on just ignoring what's right there in front of us?"
"What is right in front of us?" she implored, pushing her remaining dinner from one side of her plate to the other. "I'm so confused, what's right in front of us?"
"Linds, look at me." He stood strong in trying to catch her eyes. "Babe..."
She sighed as she turned her gaze away from her dinner and met his eyes. Her tearful eyes told him that he wasn't far from uncovering the truth.
"I love you and you know that – but I feel like you're slipping through my fingertips. I feel like I don't know you anymore."
"Patrick, I said I've been stressed and-"
"Stress has nothing to do with this. People don't change like you have, Lindsay. It's like something snapped inside of you."
"Babe, you're ruining my dinner." She interrupted him. "So if you wouldn't mind..."
"Look Lindsay," he sighed, dejected as he pushed his dinner away from him. "I know you're not happy."
"I never said that." She spluttered, a hint of exasperation in her tone. "Look... This is just... I don't even know where this has come from. I'm fine. I'm happy." She faked a smile. "See..."
He shook his head slowly. "You're not happy, Linds."
"I am." She insisted. "I've never said I wasn't."
"You don't have to. It's all over your face. Babe, this isn't me picking a fight, it's about what we both know but what we both refuse to admit."
"What are you saying?" She asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Can I ask you a question?"
She nodded slowly in response.
"Do you believe in soulmates?"
Despite his random question she considered it, and then nodded thoughtfully, "I guess I do, yeah."
"So do I," he nodded. "Now, I have another question."
"Okay." She blinked, unsure of where he was going.
"I want you to think about your answer before you answer me though."
"Okay," she promised.
"Do you honestly think that I'm your soulmate?"
"Patrick-" She blurted out.
"Lindsay, honey, I said think about it."
She swallowed. "I think you could be. Over time."
"That wasn't the answer I was looking for," He took a deep breath as he prepared himself for what he was about to say. "Baby, you know I love you, but you're with me because I was there that night. I was charming, kind and exactly what you needed at the time. I knew what I was getting myself in for and you were nothing but honest with me. You told me that you weren't looking for company, didn't you?"
She nodded and smiled at the memory of the night where they'd first met.
"But I pushed because I wanted you in my life. I knew what I was getting into. I knew that you'd just gotten out of a relationship. I wasn't under any false hope that you'd just forget about him because I know that he meant a lot to you."
"But you mean a lot to me-"
"I know I do. We're good together and together we mended that broken heart of yours, but I'm not the one you want to be with. I'm not the one you belong with... where your heart belongs. God knows I wish it was, but it's not me."
"I... You're not... We..." Her heart began to race as she could feel the feelings she'd fought to keep at bay slowly working their way through her wall she'd put up to protect herself. She'd so desperately wanted Patrick to be the answer to all the questions she'd been asking over the years. She'd so desperately wanted him to be the one that she was meant to be with. As he continued on though, she couldn't help but realise what it was she'd been doing all this time: ignoring what was right there in front of her. She'd found out the hard way that she'd been denying the truth for the past eighteen months.
"Look, I get it." He whispered. "You love me, but you'll never love me the way that you loved him. I understand that now... it's taken me a while, but I get it."
Lindsay licked her lips. She'd always known, but she'd refused to let herself think about him. He had his chance and he'd blown it with her. But now, all the memories she'd shoved to the side were flowing back to her. She could slowly feel herself going to the back she was on the night that Patrick had found her. Only this time, she was stronger. She was level headed. She knew what she wanted.
She wanted Danny.
She'd been in denial all this time. She'd been so busy convincing herself that she wasn't in love with Danny that the more she tried to convince herself out of it, the more Patrick became receptive to the signs she was sending him. The girl she'd been when Patrick had made his move in that diner all those months ago was just a dark memory now. She knew that what had happened with Danny was not, nor had it ever been her fault. Patrick had given that knowledge to her, subconsciously of course. He'd given her the confidence that she'd lost with Danny. He'd helped her figure out who she was again, but even then she still found a piece of her missing. That damned piece that Danny still had a hold of.
She knew what she had to do. She didn't like it, and she didn't want to accept it, but she had to. She couldn't lie to herself any more.
After a few more moments of that dreaded silence, she looked up and swiped her tears away. Her eyes met Patrick's and he offered her a sad smile. "I gave it my best shot with you." Patrick whispered. "I tried and I can't do any more than that."
Lindsay swallowed as she felt tears filling her eyes. "I..." She massaged her temple with her fingertips. "I never... Patrick, you have to know that I -"
"I know you didn't." He assured her, knowing exactly what she meant. "I know you didn't mean for things to turn out like this. I know you wanted to fall for me. I know that when you moved out here with me, you were in it completely. Your heart might not have been, but I know you were. I know that you didn't mean to hurt me, and you haven't, not really. It just... The heart wants what the heart wants. And the heart doesn't want me. I hate that it isn't me, but such is as life. It's your call, sweetheart. If you want to go, you can go." He said with a sigh. "Just know that when I said I loved you. I did... I just realise that he's something that could never be replaced. Just listen to what you already know, okay?"
Without hesitation, Lindsay jumped in. "I loved you with everything I had; I still do love you. I want you to know that, Patrick. When I moved here with you, my heart was in it with you and only you; please don't think that I-"
"I know," he assured her. "And I love you too baby."
She stood from the table gingerly and moved toward the person she thought she loved and pressed a kiss to the top of his head. She inhaled the lingering scent of his shampoo one last time and found a lump in her throat form as she realised that would be the last time she did such a thing towards him. She ran her fingertip down his cheek affectionately before turning on her heel and headed into the bedroom.
She slumped down onto their bed and took a deep breath. Was she making a huge mistake walking away from Patrick? She'd given Danny chance after chance after chance and he'd screwed up every time. Patrick was in their living room; his heart breaking over something that was out of his control. He'd done nothing to her; in fact, he'd been an incredible boyfriend.
Alright she missed Danny, but had that simply been because she'd never received the closure that she probably needed from the relationship? They'd ended on rocky terms with neither really knowing whether they were coming or going. Neither of them had thought that Lindsay would end up with someone new. Lindsay included in that. So when that was thrown into the equation, had she ever really gained that last bit of closure she needed in order to move on? After a break up, her mother had always told her not to go backwards. Never go back, always onwards and upwards to bigger and better things.
She was sick and tired of the continuous bullshit that Danny threw at her. When she thought of Danny, she felt drained and emotionally exhausted, yet when she thought of Patrick she felt stability and security. But, the deal-sealer lay with Danny. He was that she could still feel butterflies for. After all this time, and after everything.
She knew the heart wanted one thing, her mind telling her that she wanted another, so feeling like she was left with no other option, she pulled out a coin from her pocket and twiddled the quarter in her fingertips before flipping it in the air. She didn't call heads or tails because when the coin was in the air, she suddenly realised what answer it was that she wanted. She knew what she wanted to do. What she needed to do.
She stood from the bed and picked up the picture by her nightstand of herself and Patrick. She gazed at the picture for a moment before kissing her finger and pressing it to Patrick's smiling still face. She then placed it back on the nightstand and turned to her wardrobe. She rummaged in the bottom for her hold all and set it on the bed before she began to pack some of her belongings. She was taking deep breaths with every piece of clothing she threw into her bag. She wasn't sure she understood what had just happened; it had been so sudden and unexpected. She'd had plans for the evening. Mundane and quite boring plans granted, but they were plans nonetheless. She'd been looking forward to watching the things they'd made a point of TiVOing while cuddling on the couch. She'd set her mind on a nice bath, which Patrick would have probably joined her in... But now none of that was going to happen.
She'd loved before Danny - she'd had boyfriends that she'd been smitten with. She'd had boyfriends that she'd been on the verge of getting engaged to. She'd had boyfriends that had left her heartbroken... But there was a part of her that knew none of them had ever really mattered. Not as much as Danny had. She knew that she could honestly say that he was the first person she'd fallen in love with wholly and completely. She'd given him everything and because of that, he still had a piece of her; a piece of her that she'd never get back. She'd given her heart to Danny, and although she hadn't realised it at the time, that piece of her was forever Danny's.
He had those kisses that she'd never forget. Those secrets she'd only ever dared to share with him. He had those late nights and early mornings where she was tangled in the sheets with him. He had those painful memories of Montana that she'd shared with him, and only him, in the courtroom. He was the one who still suffered from the hand injury he'd obtained in a hostage situation because he'd taken her shift for her, just to let her sleep a little longer. He was the one that she'd had to fight to fall out of love with, and just fell even more in love with him despite her efforts. He had given her a home in a foreign place. She couldn't deny him of how much he'd unknowingly given to her; whether he was aware of it or not. So much of who she was now was because of Danny; whether or not she liked to admit it.
What she was doing though was taking everything that she had – but one door had closed and another had opened. With a clear mind she realised that Patrick had never stood a chance; as much as she had wanted to make it work with him, it was simply impossible. Quite simply without Danny Messer, Lindsay Monroe wasn't Lindsay Monroe, which meant that she now had to let go of one and prepare herself to grab hold of another.
And this time, she wasn't going to let him slip through her fingertips.
BOOM! So, where do we think we're going from here? Let me know what you think. Thanks so much for reading. :)