Chapter 1

It takes Two to Trash

The next morning I snuggled into my fluffy white bathrobe and slipped downstairs to get some juice and toast. I didn't believe in breakfast – anything that wasn't bacon, that is- but I still needed to eat. It was Saturday morning and the sun was already shining too bright for me. I scratched my head and yawned sleepily, gnawing on my toast.

My cellphone rang, loud and clear. It was a Vocaloid song, actually, so loud I almost plunged off the barstool. It was one of my friends, Lexi. I bit my lip. Did I really want to answer the phone? She would probably invite me over and I would have to decline because I was home alone. I sighed finally and answered."Heyo?" I asked into the receiver. "He~ey!" I heard my best friend's voice on the other end and knew instantly what her question was. "Do you think you can come over?" She asked quickly, not beating around the bush like she usually did. I was about to explain myself when the doorbell rang.

"Hold on." I mumbled, setting down the phone. The bell rang two more times before I opened the door. The delivery man was already speeding down the road, blowing up leaves in its wake. It was almost completely unmarked, a minty green color and two black dots. The flying mint bunny and a small insignia at the bottom corner. I was more enthused about the box at the ground, though. It was topped by a small white packet:

ALFRED F. JONES: USER GUIDE AND MANUAL

I stared at it for a good five minutes before Lexi managed to scream loud enough into the phone that I could hear her outside. "Get over here!" She was screaming. I reluctantly left the box outside and picked up the phone. "Dude, I'll call you back." I said quickly, hanging up before she could protest. In a contest between my very own America and my friend Lexi, I knew what I wanted more.

I sat on the rocking bench on the small brick porch, packet smothered between my knees and face, bracing against the cold fall winds all because I was just a very lonely girl. It didn't help I was so lonely I was turning down people who wanted to see me now. I scanned the page for instruction on how to release my new unit from the box, though, too intent on this for anything else. There could be an armed robber sneaking up in front of me and I wouldn't have noticed.

I couldn't think of any patriotic songs we had in the house, and cartoons wouldn't be on for at least two hours. "A British accent!" I grinned, pleased with myself. I was good at those, but the only way I could truly get into a good accent was to say 'wanker' over and over. So I did it quietly until I was comfortable that I sounded English, and turned up the volume on my voice.

"Hey, get up you bloody git!" I yelled, stepping back a few feet for safety. Nothing happened, so I kneeled down and unswitched the snaps holding the box closed. It opened with tremendous force. "Hey, England, I wouldn't be saying that! You know I saw-" He stopped, realizing there was no England here. It was just the U.S, very far from England. That coupled with the fact he was my only unit.

He was astoundingly quiet as I snuck behind him and began programming, trying not to let him move. His defaults were fine, I realized, so I shut the panel and stepped off the porch to get a good look at him. He was definitely there all right, I cocked my head at an angle to see under the brown bomber's jacket. I muttered quietly to myself while he simply stood there, looking around, hands on his hips.

"Hey, you!" He turned so fast I nearly had a heart attack. He was pointing directly at my forehead, grinning like a doof. It reminded me of my brother, I realized, cringing. He hopped off the porch and stuck his hand in my wild morning hair, ruffling it up even more. "Your hair looks funny! Ahahahaha!" I batted his hand away and stepped back. I wasn't sure I wanted the unit anymore. His laugh was going to be the death of me, I was sure of it.

"Okay, so..." I buried my head in the manual, climbing up the stairs and into the house with Alfred just a few steps behind, eagerly trying to cut in front of me to see in the house. He probably just wanted something to break, I realized. "Salesman, Policeman, Bodyguard, Government Official." I sat on the stairs, watching as the man ran around excitedly, chalking up the freshly-painted chalkboard and turning on TV to one of the cartoon stations.

"Alfred! Get out here." I waved at him. He dropped the piece of chalk and raised his eyebrow. "Wha-at?" His face suddenly fell, again reminding me of my brother during one of those rare moments where he actually had to do work. I gulped and sighed. "Nevermind. Just...do whatever." I stepped outside when I heard him return to drawing absent-mindedly.

I had to drag his crates with him. There was the main crate and a second crate just under the porch where I hadn't noticed it blending in. I assumed it was the TONY accessory, and I knew I wouldn't be activating that anytime soon. I was much too scared of his mouth – I couldn't take insults all too easily.

I had the robe strewn on the floor when I lugged the huge boxes in finally. I wiped my forehead and looked back to Alfred, who had just finished drawing. "Check it out!" He grinned, pointing to the chalkboard. Crudely drawn heads were everywhere on it now. I recognized them instantly – England's eyebrows, the Italies' curls, China's ponytail, and one at the bottom I didn't recognize. I coughed awkwardly and tapped it with my finger. "Who's that?"

"It's you, duh!" He rolled his eyes and crossed his arms like it had been that simple. "Look at that crazy-as-fuck hair! You only get that from you!" My head snapped around at him and he took a small step back, still smiling but holding his hands up defensively. "I call it as I see it." Before I could figure out a great comeback, since those took forever for me to come up with, the theme song to the old school Batman came on.

"NA-NA-NA, BATMAAAN!" He started that obnoxious laughter again and tossed the chalkboard eraser at me, connecting with my face and leaving a blue square of chalk dust. I coughed and picked up the eraser, seriously considering chucking it at his head and making a run for it. But it seemed I was the adult currently, I realized, setting the eraser down and sighing reluctantly. I reached into the box and picked out the other things.

I was stuck on his underwear. It was creepy how much he reminded me of my brother. The right balance of obnoxious, childish, and they even looked alike except for his blue eyes. His underwear collection was super hero themed, I realized, loading them onto my own pile of clothes. "Alfred! I'm washing your dirty underwear in the basement!" His answer was a simple 'Whatever, dude!'.

I sat on a chair in the basement waiting for the clothes to dry when Alfred finally came downstairs. "Did your little cartoon end?" I asked in a sappy voice, trying not to laugh while trying to look as pitiful as possible. He looked completely unfazed as he dropped his jacket on the dryer and leaned against it.

"Aren't you a little young to be having sex with me?"

He looked completely serious and I felt my face start to flush. 'What give you that idea?" I chuckled, almost choking. He had to be kidding, he had to! "Well, I've heard from other units that they basically get attacked before they can even enter the house." He dusted off his shirt and sighed. "My body was ready and everything."

It was awkward, to say the very least. We just stared at each other until I shoved him over to get out clothes out of the dryer. He raised his eyebrows and started smiling again, though. "That was awkward!" His hands were back on his hips and his chest was puffed out like he was posing. I kept unloading the dryer until he lightly kicked my leg. "Look at me."He muttered, like a play producer talking to the lead who forgot her lines.

I looked up and he extended his hand. "I'm Alfred F. Jones, but you can call me the Hero!" I ducked my head into the dryer so I'd look like the heat crawling all over my face came from there. This was embarrassing me to no end. This wasn't any shoujo manga, but it sounded like it should've been.

I took my head out and stood up from the floor, taking his hand. "Uh. Madison J. Geiger. You can call me Boss." He shrugged. "Okay, Maddi." "Boss." I corrected, "You only call me boss. I could make you call me master and make it sound sexual." He sighed and tugged at his collar. "Whatever you say, uh, Boss." Upstairs I heard the door open and the sound of eight feet smacking across the tiles, looking for their owner – also known as me.

"Stay here." I put my hands together. "If my Grandmother knows you're here, she'll beat me with a frying pan. She's Hungarian." He almost looked proud but nodded and sat on the dryer. "Whatever~" He reached for the remote control to the basement TV just as I slammed the basement door shut.

"Madison Jean, what were you doing down there?" My Grandmother asked, looking at the open box in the hall. I shoved down my dogs and cursed under my breath. "Laundry. Andrew's and Mine. And that box is..." I stared at it, before getting my idea. "You know how Andrew's been getting those weird bite on his back? Mom just bought a new mattress, so I brought it downstairs." She nodded, buying it, while I scanned the area for Tony's box.

"Well, I brought the dogs back. Feed 'em twice a day, you'll be home in time. I'll come every day except on Thursday." She looked at me. "Lock up." I nodded with understanding. "I brought you some chili and McDonalds. You've still got frozen pizzas and stuff, right?" She asked. I answered with a polite yes and she turned to the door. "Everything seems fine. If you need any help, don't hesitate to call."

The door shut and the car drove away when I finally felt brave enough to open the basement door. Alfred was standing at the door eying my bag of McDonald's when my dogs came over, sniffing him and all around jumping all over him.

I made a can of soup and ate across from Alfred at the dinner table, him attempting to talk with mounds of meat in his mouth. Most of what he said sounded like 'Hbljkhdghchjsd! Kajajajaja!"

"Oh look, ten o'clock, bed time." I stood up sharply. After spending an hour of just observing Alfred sample our video game collection I needed to sleep. It was Saturday night but I could care less. "You're no fun! Calm down and enjoy my company." He mumbled, easily killing Heartless in my Kingdom Hearts I game. He looked to be having a good time at least. I curled up in a blanket and sighed, watching him play until the clock read Midnight and even he looked a little tired. "Bed, Alfred, NOW." He sighed and saved his game. "Well, where am I sleeping then?".There were a few choices – I was going to take my Mom's room for the week. He could take my brother's, mine, or one of the two spares my Aunt and Grandmother used to occupy.

"Come on." I sighed, leading him upstairs. We passed my brothers door and into his room, star-wars and legos and superheroes lined every free space possible. Alfred was grinning when he saw it, bounding forward and laying on his bed. "Thank you, good night, go away~!" He sang, shooing me out of the room.

I layed down in my Mother's room, tossing and turning all night.

I wasn't sure if I liked this.