Chapter 2

Of Guns and Glass

"He's just like a little kid." I sighed. It felt a little weird overseeing a grown man sleeping, but I was too used to waking my brother up every morning that I forgot he was even here. It was Sunday morning and Alfred was snuggled under a mountain of Spongebob Squarepants blankets, snoring rather quietly. I shut the door and snatched a brush out of the bathroom next door- yesterday I hadn't even brushed my hair due to the surprise of him. Now I was expecting another, and I had no clue who.

The doorbell rang through the house and I hurried downstairs, pulling out the last tangle. "Miss Geiger?" The Delivery boy was smiling, despite the fact snow was beginning to pile on the ground and he looked positively diseased. I nodded and signed the paper, watching this delivery boy kindly wheel the crate in. "And here's your guide." He smiled, handing over a small packet similar to Alfred's.

VASH ZWINGLI: USER GUIDE AND MANUAL

I was stunned, and scared. The Delivery Boy flashed a thumbs up and turn, revealing the little corny wings on his back. Flying Mint Bunny...it was a strange company name, sure. "Your next unit will arrive in two days time, Miss! Block up, orders, it's winter." He waved and shut the door quietly, as if he knew there were other people in the house.

I jumped up onto the barstool and opened the manual, tapping my heel against the table absent-mindedly. How was I going to activate it this time? I didn't have a Liechtenstein, er, Lili Zwingli. I couldn't play the piano for crap, and I didn't want to use my brother's old computer to find a recording. My laptop was upstairs charging. I definitely couldn't go shooting anything – all our guns had been taken out of the house a few years ago as a safety precaution courtesy of my Mother. There was one left – just reach in.

I gently pried open the box, trying to keep as quiet as possible. Any wrong moves and my head could get blown off. I remembered to lock the dogs up in the bedroom down the hall last night, so they wouldn't wake him up either. I looked down at the unit and almost cried.

He was so peaceful looking, like a viscous puppy that wakes up and eats the mailman's pants. He was holding his white beret in his hand on his chest, and at the far corner of the box I spotted his famous pink pajamas. The things that sacred me were the rifle laying on his left and the handgun he held in his left hand. This was going to be like defusing a bomb.

I carefully looked around until I saw a little tag on his neck, indicating that's where his programming box was. I was lucky when I'd found Alfred's in his coat, but this seemed almost too easy. I slipped the paper out and stuck my finger into the latch, opening it to the panel and sighing with relief. I could see four unlocked options and settled for Stingy and Happy. Those were my choices, though, before our other house guest screwed it all up.

"HEEEEEEY WHATCHA DOIN'?" Alfred plunked down next to me in his pajamas. I don't think he realized what I was doing, and he ended up scaring the bejeezus out of me. I screamed and flail-tackled the unit I'd been calmly programming, actively setting him from Happy to Violent.

At that point,when the panel shut and Vash booted up, I had my face buried in the space between his head, shoulder, neck, and the edge of the box. With my newly-brushed blonde hair, I guessed he assumed that I was merely his little sister, Lili.

"Liechtenstein, get up." He said sternly, prodding my head up. I kept my eyes shut and tried to sound as innocent and feminine as possible. "A-All right, Svitzy." He nodded, picking up the long rifle in exchange for the handgun and left the box. It was then I opened my eyes and realized Alfred was gone.

Great. I had two crazy men walking about my house. Alfred would likely eat everything and anything that moved, and Switzerland would probably shoot anything that had depth. When would my grandma get here? A few hours, hopefully. I rubbed my hands together and began patrolling around the house.

"Alfred!" I yelled. I could hear muffled laughter but couldn't see the damn guy. I crossed my arms and looked to the box still backed in the far corner. "Tony..." I bit my lip. If I activated Tony, I would find America and prepare myself for the worst bullying to come. If I wasn't so lazy I would've continued looking, but instead I puttered over to the Tony box. I ripped it open and pulled out the lanky alien. It was more disgusting in real life, I realized, but it would give Alfred something to entertain himself with.

I flipped the switch to on and dropped the Tony unit to the ground. It looked up at me but said nothing. Before I could say anything, Tony began using all these hand expressions. It looked like a big sign language alphabet, likely composed of insults. Behind me, I heard that laughter.

"Hahaha! Good one, Tony!" Alfred came out from behind my TV cabinet, exchanging a complicated handshake with the alien. I wanted to die. This wasn't good at all. I didn't have time for stupid Aliens or stupid American boys. I'd had enough of the that. I needed to find Vash! My thoughts were answered when I heard the smashing of glass. I started sprinting to the living room and saw the Swiss man swinging his rifle around, smashing various wine glasses. I gripped his sleeve and tugged hard. "Vash! Cut that out!" I screamed. "You're wasting hundreds of dollars in glass!" There was a strong silence and the gun stopped swinging. "...Hundreds, you say?"

I nodded and folded my arms. The gun lowered and he muttered something that might have been an apology before storming off into the room formerly belonging to my aunt, which he slammed. I sighed and started picking up shards of glass of the counter. There were still two shelves and a rack on the ceiling he hadn't touched, so with some careful re-arranging I might be able to keep my Mother's suspicion down – just for a while.

"I'm hungry!" I turned to Alfred, being followed closely by the Tony unit, watching me dispose of the shards of glass. "And what do you expect me to do about it?" I grimaced, not ready to go out and buy McDonalds. "I dunno. I mean, your a chick so you're supposed to be in the kitchen, right?" I looked over to the sink and picked up a clean pan, the one my Grandmother used frequently. I swung it madly, proclaiming "OUTTA MY KITCHEN, FUCKTARD!" To say the least, he left. He left laughing, though.

By noon I was sitting outside of Switzerland's door holding a grilled cheese. "He likes cheese." I reminded myself, tapping the door with my foot. The door opened sharply and he stuck his head out. "What?" I waved the plate around. "Grilled Cheese. You need to eat, you know." He nodded and snatched the plate into the room, slamming it shut again. He'd been programmed to be like the character Vash Zwingli, so I guess he just wanted to be alone and isolated, which would explain why he was acting like an angry teenage boy. I just hoped he wouldn't climb out the window like my cousins had.

"Maddi~" Alfred turned around the corner when I'd literally picked up my sandwich. "When I slept in that bed I got these bug bites all over." He started to smile when my grimace set in. "Keep your pants on, I'll help you in a minute." He shrugged and turned away. I could hear Tony talking, something involving "She's a bitch." and more laughter. Confound the laughter.

I finished my sandwich finally and walked upstairs with the manual Alfred had come with. "He adores taking bubble baths with other people..." I read aloud, sitting on the edge of the tub with the water running behind me. My brother and Alfred apparently had the same reaction to the bed, getting strange bumps and itches. We really needed a new mattress.

"Alfred! Upstairs Bathroom!" I yelled, still collecting some of the soap we used in this instance. By the time I finished Alfred was jogging up the stairs unbuttoning his pajamas. By this time I assumed mentioning he was laughing was unneeded, but he was as always. I didn't look up, because if I did I would likely lose my innocence, or the last remains of it.

"Okay, you have to use this cream on your bites, okay?" I raised my arm and he took the bottole from me. "There's shampoo and conditioner in the tub along with body wash, okay? There's toys in a bin over there," I pointed to the little plastic bin filled with small ships and army men. I could almost feel Alfred beaming behind me, but I refused to get up until he got in the tub.

"You sure you don't wanna take a shower with the hero?" I shut the cupboard and nodded. "Not today. Just, get in the tub. Please." It might have been how resigned I sounded that made him listen, plopping down in the tub. I shut the curtain as fast as humanly possible and sprinting out of the room. That is, not before bumping into Tony. "Hey, bitch," He started , raising a hand. I grabbed it and chucked him into my brother's room, slamming and locking the door.

My grandmother would be here anytime now. As long as I could keep Tony locked up, Alfred in the bathtub, and Vash in the other bedroom, everything would be fine. I went downstairs and opened the door, waiting for my Grandmother. She rolled up in her white car eventually, so I hopped outside to meet her.

"Hi, Grandma!" I said, smiling. It was really cold, snow was still collecting everywhere. She looked into the house. "Is everything alright?" She asked. I nodded. I couldn't just say "No, Grandma, the angry Swiss man I bought just smashed some of Mom's glasses." So a simple no would suffice.

She nodded and reached into the passenger seat, presenting something hot. "I brought you some soup. I heard there's supposed to be a storm tomorrow. If school is still on, which it will be, I'll come pick you up and take you there, okay?" I smiled and we hugged. "Okay. I'll see you tomorrow." She got back in the car and sped off.

I got back in the house and filled myself a bowl of soup. Then I quickly filled a small bowl for Vash, I figured if I kept feeding him, maybe I could coax him out of the room. I could use a good bodyguard. I stumbled over to the door to see the plate of grilled cheese on the floor,empty all for a few crumbs, and I could hear the TV on. I knocked on the door and allowed it to open. He was sitting on the little chair, moved now in front of the bed, watching Swiss television.

"Nicht punkt!" I almost screamed when he stood up, waving his handgun around angrily and screaming at the TV. He was watching football, er, soccer. I hadn't heard about this in the manual. He turned to me and furrowed his brow, like I'd interrupted a date. "I brought you soup. It's comfort food." I could feel my legs shaking from the scare I'd just received. He took it without a word and politely asked me to leave. I stepped out and started to laugh in spite of myself. Vash seemed more like the mopey gun channel watcher than anything. Maybe one day I could introduce him to football. North American football, that is.

I had eaten half of my soup when I heard Alfred coming downstairs with Tony. "Maddi, why did you lock Tony up? Huh?" His hair was sopping wet and he looked positively infuriated. "He wouldn't shut up. No real reason, though." I suddenly realized something and spit my soup out. "The dogs!"The shouted, jumping up and running. I hurried to the room where I'd kept them and found them laying on the ground, my youngest dog pawing with his bowl.

I filled their bowls and hopped in to clean up their crap. I probably should have remembered to let them out but I knew I was getting this new unit, so I couldn't have all of them running around. I apologized softly and since I was the bringer of food, I guess they forgave me.

"Bed time, Alfred!" It was only eight o'clock now, but I had school the next morning. He frowned and crossed his arms. "But it's only eight o'clock..." He whined, tapping his foot impatiently. "I don't care, I have school tomorrow." "But Switzerland still has his TV on!" He pouted. I stomped over to the other units room, where the soccer game had ended. He was now watching the gun channel, as planned, tapping his spoon against the empty soup bowl.

I took the bowl and turned off the TV. "Good Night, Vash." I said. He stood up so quickly I didn't realize he'd just turned to TV on again. "I'll go to bed when I want. You're not my boss." I narrowed my eyes at him and turned the TV off again. "Yes, I am. That's my name, in fact, Boss." He switched it back on. "I don't care. My TV, my rules." I switched it off. "My house, my unit, my rules." This turned into a five minute straight battle of switching the TV on and off and arguing with each toher until I finally gave up.

"Fine, whatever." I raised my hands defensively and stomped away, slamming his door behind me. So, what was I dealing with now? An ego-freak who loves eating, a cursing alien, and a stingy teenager.

Couldn't get much worse, right?