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J.M.J.

Then I Realized it

Bella's point of view

Chapter 4

"Bella! Wake up!" Rosalie screamed at me and threw a pillow at me. "It's eleven in the morning!" I got out of bed and thoughts of yesterday came to me. Edward and I learned a lot about each other through that game. He seemed to kinda like me a little bit, only as a friend though. That's all I needed right now though and I didn't really like him as more than a friend anyways. I just wanted a friend.

I got out of bed and went into the kitchen to make people think that I was eating. As long as you go in the kitchen and look in the cabinets and in the fridge, everybody thinks you're eating. I stayed there for about five minutes, just staring inside the fridge. I thought of Edward and how nice he was to me. Didn't he know about me? About how I hurt people to get what I wanted? and about how I'm a terrible friend? I figured he wouldn't be around long. Yesterday may have been a one time thing, just a memory to be stored into the past.

I sighed and went to the computer room to get my school books. School wasn't really hard for me. The only hard part was teaching it to myself. Renee just said "Here are the books, go do it" and that was that. I spent about three hours doing school and then I grabbed my mp3 player and went out on my swing set.

I loved swinging because nobody bothered me while I was on it. It was like I was completely invisible. Which at times was a good thing because then I couldn't be blamed for all the troubles of the whole world. I felt free. I could sit there and swing lightly through the air, like flying, for hours. So I did.

Finally, I went inside and walked into the kitchen for a little while to make it seem like I ate dinner. My family never eats dinner together, not even on holidays. Then again, I don't think anybody's family does that anymore.

I walked out of the kitchen and did school for another hour and then I got on facebook to see if Edward was on. The page loaded and a few seconds later, I got a chat notification from Edward. I almost smiled. So I guess it wasn't a one time thing?

"Hey, how are you?" I liked that he actually asked how I was and seemed to care. However, he couldn't fool me.

"I'm well. What's up?"

"Nothing, just facebook."

"I'm bored…" More of sad and depressed, but I wasn't about to say that. I would never let him actually find me out.

"Wanna play the question game again?"

"Sure, I guess. You first though." He wanted to know more about me? Or perhaps it was just conversation to keep him entertained. I didn't care because I got to talk to somebody. Even if they didn't care about me or anything, just talking to me and letting me know that I do still exist and I'm not invisible, is enough for me. Acknowledging my feelings never seems to happen even by those who "care about" and "love" me.

"What is your favorite sport?"

"I don't really like sports all that much. I really love running though."

"Why would you like running? It's so boring and tiring. You just walk at a faster pace in circles." For a lot of people that is true but for me running is everything and nothing. Its simple. When I run, I don't think. I'm completely free of all emotional weights. Like the swing set, it is another one of my escapes but for different reasons. The swing frees me of all physical irritation with the family and allows me to think. Running frees me of all mental or emotional irritation with everyone.

"Ummm, it's kinda a long story?" I didn't really want to explain but I didn't really want to lie either. He could be a real friend one day when I'm over all of this crap; if that ever happens.

"I've got time if you want to explain." I sighed.

"When I run, I don't think. I'm just… weightless and free."

"So you don't like to think? And why weightless and free?" I sighed. I didn't want to explain this much to him.

"I believe it is my turn to do the questioning lol" I never really laughed, I just put "lol" to lighten the mood.

"Ok, ask away."

"Does your family eat dinner together as a family?" I remembered earlier in the kitchen I had thought about it.

"Yes, everyday."

"Really?"

"Yea, doesn't yours?"

"No, we don't… its too hard to get all of us together. My dad is always working and Rosalie is always out with friends or at soccer or something and my mom doesn't like to cook. It's kind of an "make it yourself, or don't eat" kind of thing. We don't even eat together on holidays. We just put the food on the table and everybody gets what they want and goes wherever they want to eat it."

"Wow… that's stupid." I half-smiled, he said everything as it was. Simple.

"Ehh, I don't really care. Anyways, it's your turn to ask a question."

"What is your favorite flower?"

"I love calla lilies, they're definitely my favorite."

"I don't know what that is, hang on just a second. I'm gonna google a picture."

"K," It only took him a few seconds to find it and come back.

"That isn't very pretty. Why do you like it?" I rolled my eyes.

"Because it's very simple, it doesn't have to be all dressed up with petals like a rose to be beautiful. I pick simple over dressed up any day." To be honest, it kinda made me think of me and Rosalie. I am always very simple and Rose is always dressed up in these fancy clothes and decked out with makeup. Nobody really thought I was pretty either. In fact, my ex "boyfriend," Jacob, told me when we were "dating" that I would be prettier if I looked more like my sister. I put these things in quotation marks because he asked me to be his girlfriend when I told him I liked him and then we went on one date and it was horrible because it was a double-date with Rosalie and Emmett. Also, I would pick simple over dressed up any day. I'm not a slob, I just think that less is more. I'm as less as it gets so I could always use some "more". The only thing that didn't fit was that it could be beautiful just by being simple, I was never beautiful; maybe pretty occasionally, but never beautiful.

"Well, when you think of it like that, yes, it is very beautiful. Why do you like simple things?"

"I don't like complexity. I don't like Rosalie and all of her drama." I typed without thinking.

"lol! We definitely have that in common. I hate how everybody is always so dramatic and just makes things complex when they're so simple, so easy. It drives me insane." I was one to say I hate drama. My whole life is drama. I cut myself when I get upset and I starve myself to help the process of my death along.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to say that, it just kinda came out." He was really easy to talk to, it was slightly shocking that I slipped up like that.

"It's ok, I don't mind. You can vent to me if you'd like."

"Nah, I don't wanna be a bother." The last thing I wanted to do was scare away the one person that talked to me and wasn't yelling. He was the first person that even pretended to care. Everyone else just said "You're so selfish! I care about you!" When really, they don't give a damn about me; they just needed somebody to blame the bad feeling on. He was the only one that actually pretended that I had feelings.

"You wouldn't be a bother; everybody needs someone to talk to." I took a deep breath and half-smiled.

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