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J.M.J.

Then I Realized it

Bella's point of view

Chapter 5

The next days went on the same way, each day the questions and answers became more deep and personal. I still didn't tell Edward about me; he never asked during the game. If he asked I would tell him. Well at least, I think I would. It would be really hard to tell him because after he knew, he would be gone; just like that. He would leave. I mean, I didn't expect him to really stay even if he didn't know. He would realize I am boring and plain and would leave, just like everybody else. And if he knew, he would take Ben's side and just leave me to be alone on my own.

I couldn't tell him. I liked talking to him too much. He pretends I exist and I just can't give that up yet. I liked being noticed, even if it was only on Facebook and even though I was just being used to make time fly for him. He seemed really interested in me but I'm not a complete idiot. I am a sophomore taking all senior classes. Though that decision wasn't exactly made by me, I still have a 4.0. That doesn't really matter though I guess. You don't have to be smart in school to know when a person is faking it or not. And I knew he was faking it.

I didn't really talk to any of my family anymore. I had my headphones in all day and I was in my room. I was either doing school, running, playing soccer, or talking to Edward on Facebook. I avoided all conversation with anyone. I was tired of hearing people's voices. I was tired of people lying to me. I was tired of people betraying me.

I did all my school work for the day in a few hours, which never seemed to be enough to satisfy Renee even though she was the one who decided how much school I had to do everyday. I only ate a piece of toast and four crackers throughout the entire day. Due to the fact that my stomach was shrinking because I almost never ate anything, the toast and crackers filled me up completely.

Today I wasn't in the best of moods. I was more depressed than usual for no specific reason. I was just tired of everything. I didn't want anything else to happen because it was all just enough. That was all I could take. I still freaked out when I got in the shower and I tried my hardest to never close my eyes because whenever I did, I would see me stabbing myself over and over again. I still cried myself to sleep every night. Talking to Edward was what kept me waking up in the morning. Though it wasn't enough keep me from continuing to cut myself when I freaked out, and it wasn't enough to keep me from starving myself everyday. It wasn't enough to make me stop crying myself to sleep. It wasn't enough to make me stop cutting myself whenever I felt completely alone and just couldn't take anymore; when I felt completely defeated. However, it did keep me from attempting suicide for a fourth time.

I prayed every day and every night that things would get better, but each day that passed nothing ever really changed. I still sat in my room just staring at the wall for hours or until I felt like even the walls were more noticeable than me. At which point, I would grab my blade and carve the scars again.

I got on facebook and I wasn't surprised to see a chat notification pop up from Edward. I had gotten used to it. We started talking whenever and ended around three in the morning usually.

"Hey!"

"Hi, what's up?" I asked this question every time we talked even though he said the same thing every time.

"Nothing. How are you today?" I was surprised at this question. He hadn't ever really asked how I was doing. I wasn't exactly going to tell the truth. I would have to explain if I answered truthfully. I didn't want to tell a complete lie though.

"I'm ok I guess. How are you?"

"I'm good. What's wrong?"

"Nothing." This part was instinct. "Just tired."

"Ok… Question game?" Over the times that we had talked I asked him to be honest when he answered the questions and he asked me to do the same. So, we were always honest during the question game and I tried to be honest even when we weren't playing the question game. However, that wasn't always an easy task because he would ask me questions like "how are you?" and "what's wrong?" and I could never be honest and answer unless it was the question game.

"Have you ever felt empty?"

"I don't really know what you mean." I didn't realize what I had asked, I had to re-read it a few times because I was too shocked.

"Nothing, never mind. Your turn," I tried to switch the attention away but that didn't really work very well.

"No, I want to know what you mean." I am such an idiot sometimes. I started slipping up more and more every time we talked. It was just so easy to talk to Edward that I didn't think much while I was talking to him.

"No, it's your turn to ask the question."

"Ok, fine." I sighed. I was really glad he just gave up. I didn't like having to explain things to him all the time. I've let so much slip and explained so much that he could probably guess if he wanted to.

"What do you mean? That is my question." Ok, so he wasn't giving up.

"You know…" I had to take a while to think about it. I wasn't even quite sure what I meant.

"No, I don't really know lol" Over the amount of times I had talked to him I learned that he didn't actually laugh when he put "lol". He did it for the same reason as I did, to lighten the mood.

"It's like you feel you're completely alone in the world and you're just dead. I mean, you're alive and all but you're so alone that you feel dead. You're not just dead to everyone around you, you're dead to yourself… am I making any sense?" I felt insane trying to explain it to him. He was always a happy person. He didn't smile often and he almost never laughed, but he was always happy.

"Yea, it makes sense. And to answer your question, no, I can't say I've felt that before. Have you?" Of course he would ask that.

"It is my turn to ask the question!" I stuck my tongue out like he was actually there instead of the computer screen.

"Have you ever thought about cutting yourself?" I could ask that and not seem "emo" because he would always joke and say I was emo.

"No! I would never be that stupid!" That actually hurt a lot. I knew it was stupid to cut myself, but it still hurt to hear that from him.

"Why do you ask questions like that?"

"Because I'm just curious," I couldn't think of anything else to say that wouldn't get me into trouble. That was pretty much the reason to all of my questions, I was curious.

"How long have you gone without food before?" This one seemed like a safe question. It was just about food.

"A few hours and it was for lent. What's the longest you've gone without food before?" Not safe anymore.

"Two and a half days. I just wasn't hungry, so I just didn't eat."

"That's not healthy, you need to eat more. Your stomach can shrink and it'll make it a lot harder for you to eat food. Sometimes food will be too hard on your stomach and it'll make you throw up and you'll have to eat soup and oatmeal because those aren't as hard on your stomach."

"I know, I just wasn't hungry. I'm fine."

"Box cutter or switch blade?" I don't really know why I asked this question, it was getting a little off the deep end. He wouldn't know what I was talking about though.

"Box cutter I guess? Why do you talk about stuff like that? I don't understand. It's got to be more than curiosity because you talk about it all the time. I don't understand. I mean, are you…? Sigh. Nevermind."

"I am curious. If you don't understand, then ask me. We're playing the game and it's your turn so just ask." I'm not really sure what edged me to do it. Maybe I was just tired of playing the damn game. Or maybe it was just that today just wasn't my day.

"No, it's your turn. I just asked you why you talk about stuff like that. That was the answer I guess." This response made me kinda mad. However, there was still something I needed to ask before I told him.

"What if I was "emo"? What would you do?"

"I don't know what I'd do. Are you?" For some reason, it was really, really hard to type these next few words. I was giving up the one person that actually talked to me. I was risking the chance of ending up in an asylum for who knows how long. I was risking the chance of having to go through tons of dollars worth of therapy. But for some reason, there was a small flicker of hope in me and as hard as I tried, I couldn't distinguish it.

"Yes, I am."

"What? Are you kidding me?"

"No, I'm not. Please don't tell anybody. I could get in big, big trouble for it. I don't want to be locked in an asylum and I don't want to go through therapy. They have enough to worry about without adding this to it."

"I'm going to tell your parents. That is ridiculous! Does Rosalie know?"

"No! Please don't tell my parents! I would be screwed forever! No, nobody knows except for you. Please just calm down." It took him a while and I was actually really worried he was going to tell on me. It seemed kind of childish, but this was really important to me and I didn't want anybody to know about it at all. I was so stupid for telling him to ask me. I wish he would have just gone away and pretended I didn't exist like everybody else. He didn't say anything for about ten minutes which got me worried.

"Edward? Are you there?"

"Yea… I thought you were just asking that stuff to be weird. I was just joking around when I asked. You freak! You're so stupid! Why would you do that?" He couldn't say "cut yourself" I guess. Maybe he had friends that went through it or maybe he was just that disgusted by it. Being called a "freak" cut me worse than the knife though and I'm not really sure why. I mean, again, I knew it was stupid, but coming from him made it worse and the name hurt really bad. However, he's right. I am a freak.

"I know I'm stupid. I don't really want to explain right now and I think you're in a little bit too much shock to take it in right now."

"I want an answer in the future though." Of course he did, and I wasn't going to want to explain it then either, but I would have to.

"So….. what are you going to do? Are you going to leave? Because that's fine, I understand."

"Why would I just leave you here by yourself? Apparently everybody has been doing that to you and obviously it isn't helping you much. I mean, you said you feel dead even to yourself." I was confused. What was he going to do? He wasn't going to tell my parents and he wasn't gonna leave me.

"I promise I won't tell anybody at all…." That was actually quite comforting.

"Thank you Edward." I didn't need anybody else calling me a freak or anything else. My family was the last people I would ever want to know about something like this. I didn't even think they deserved to know, seeing as they didn't know me at all. I mean, Edward got to know me so well that he pretty much guessed. It only took him two weeks to get to know me better than anybody in the whole world. As scary as it was, I trusted him. Even with my life.

"I'm going to help you, Bella."

This story is basically my journal. This is exactly what last year was for me. I wanted to make it into a book but I wanted to make sure people would read it and like it, so I put it in the "Twilight" category on this website because I knew that somebody out there would read it. I really hope you enjoy it. None of this story is made up, its all my life but using "Twilight" characters. If anybody reading this has problems like this, feel free to send me a private message, I'd be happy to talk to you.

Please review? :) Thanks for reading you guys.