Six Broken Ponies: Traditional Sin

~BlackRoseRaven

Every pony knows me as the most dependable, hardworking pony there is, and I gotta say, that ain't a title to be given lightly, even here in Ponyville. No sir, ain't nothin' small about it. But I guess what they ain't never realized is that it ain't just an honor anymore… more and more, it's been turning into one hefty responsibility. Hell, let's be honest… it's turned into one responsibility after another, and they keep praisin' me on the one hoof but expecting more and more and more of me on the other, and I… I don't know how to cope with it.

Everypony looks at me like I'm some kinda role model, and that ain't what I ever wanted to people. I'm just a country girl, born and raised on the farm… shucks, life weren't so bad, neither. Sure, it… it's hard sometimes. Ain't got no parents, gotta take care of poor ailin' granny and my little sister Apple Bloom, but Big Mac's always around, always doing the work of ten ponies, calm and never ever complaining no matter what…

Now he's a dependable pony, you know. Handsome, strong as an ox, don't say boo to no one. Quiet but he knows his hay from his horseapples, and I can always be myself with him. He looks out for me, even when I'm too damn proud to look out for myself, and he's always taken care of me. I'm real attached to Big Mac. Real… really attached. I love him. In fact… I love him more than just a brother, if you get my drift. I know, right, hillbilly girl's got a crush on her own brother, what a damn stupid story this is, ain't it?

And he can't ever know. Well, no, I ain't stupid, and I know he ain't stupid. I look at him all too often, sidle up to him too frequently, make too many excuses to be around him for him to not know by now that I got… feelings for him. You know. Lusty feelings and romantic-type feelings as well as my big strong brother feelings. But I can't ever tell him, and it's wrong, ain't it? Loving your own brother, ain't that a sin or something? But I never was the churchgoing type and come hell or high water, ain't nothing stops me from getting what I want. Well. Almost nothing…

See, the problem is… no one would understand. No one would ever understand… and by the time I realized how I felt about Big Mac, hell, look at this, all of Ponyville's gone depending on me for this and that and everything else. Every pony's eyes always feels trained on me, I can't do nothing without someone wanting to know what's going on, I got… little fillies looking up to me, even some of them there little colts. I got responsibilities. I got a thousand ponies thinking, that AJ, she's the greatest pony this side of Equestria. I'm a damn role model, and… I hate it. What do I do that's so special? What do I do that makes me so damn dependable to their eyes? Is it 'cause I do my best to be honest? Or is it 'cause I'm the cute country girl who happens to be able to keep her word, who comes across all nice-like instead of just the silly redneck she was born? I ain't some triumph of pony nature, I really ain't.

And I ain't pure, furthest thing from it. Oh, all around Ponyville, they think I am. More importantly, my friends think I am. But I gots all kinds of impure thoughts, all the time… and god, I… I hate to say it, but… when Rainbow and I get wrasslin' in the mud or real close in one of our competitions, I get all… excited. I love her almost as much as I love Big Mac… she's rude and a little dumb and can't stand to lose, and she just ignites my fuse. Our bodies pressing together, grinding, flexing, our forms… hot… I… gimme a second, I need some damn air here, suddenly feels like it's a hundred humid degrees.

But I can't even tell her, 'cause she's a blabbermouth, too. If she told our friends… what would they think? I already have trouble getting along with Rarity, posh little princess that she is, and everyone knows Twilight's nosy as a bear 'round a sack of fish. And how would the town react? I got their respect, and even if I say it ain't important to me, it ain't something I wanna throw away, either. Worse, it seems like any time I come close to screwing up, they all suddenly look at me like I've betrayed 'em, and I feel so guilty. So damn guilty that sometimes I gotta beat a retreat to one of the larger city centers around here, by way of saying I'm taking apples and baked goods for trade at a bigger market.

And sure, that's usually true… but… when… when I go to a big city, it's often for a different reason, too. One thing I learned from Manehatten, it's when you're in a big city, ain't no one knows your name, ain't no one cares about who you really are. They just look at you, don't ask no questions, make their assumptions and check out your product, what you got to offer them. And if you're willing to give a fair price, they'll take it. They'll take it and take it and take it some more… I think you know what… what I mean.

Whenever… I get worked up, I go to a bigger city and I… sell my product there. My apples, and my… apple pie, why don't we call it that? Ain't nothing bad about it… I'm careful, I'm choosy – mostly – and it brings in money. Money I can use to pay for things… little gifts for my brother and sister, comforts for poor Granny Smith, flowers for… for my parents' graves. I ain't never known 'em. I don't… want to know 'em. Not 'cause I think they didn't love me but because when I start thinking about them while I'm thinking about how much I wanna love Big Mac and how I sell my body's wares on the street, I think about 'em lookin' down at me from Heaven, and… and god, I hope they ain't able to see me. I hope they're only looking at Sweet Apple Acres and thinking that their little girl is… as pure-hearted as the town thinks she is, they never see me when I'm… relaxing, as I call it.

Ain't it a sin? 'Course it is, but… ain't everything a sin these days? And it ain't like any of us is particularly the religious sort, so that helps… don't it? But god, it ain't all my fault! I wouldn't have to go out there, giving myself away to strangers and a few handsome regular clients who got my brother's looks, if not his brains, if only I wasn't in the damn spotlight in Ponyville all the time. I wish I could let them down. I wish I could fail them, fail them so completely they'd finally turn away, but I don't wanna be shunned. I'm scared of it. And I'm so scared of what would happen if I told Big Mac how I feel. I love him so damn direly much. What kind of a sick god does this to a pony, what kind of twisted freak makes a sister love her brother this much and then forbids it? But here I am, saying I ain't religious, blaming God. Still… I need someone to blame, and better the horses of Heaven than the rest of the world around me. I still believe in the world. I don't believe in much else, though.

Yet sometimes I almost tell Big Mac anyway, but… I always think of Apple Bloom. It'd confuse her, maybe upset her, and I love my little sister. Not… not the way I love my brother, don't you go thinkin' I'm a pervert in that way, too, 'cause I ain't. I like my males, I love my brother, and I guess I even must like Rainbow Dash and a few other ponies – I might not like Rarity but that don't stop me from admiring her body none, for example – but I got restraint, and I know the difference 'tween right and wrong. At least… I think I do. Sometimes these days I… I ain't so sure anymore. It's all so confusing…

I think Rainbow would understand. She's a weird girl, not like me, not like the others, but I know she'd got running her mouth, too, whether she meant to or not. Loyal or not, her mouth works before her brain does most of the time. Fluttershy, maybe. Fluttershy… you look at her just the right way sometimes, you see something… something else there, beneath her surface. Just like Twilight… but for all her genius, Twilight can be a little close-minded, too. I reckon if she read in some book somewhere that lovin' your brother and having all kinds of… relations… was wrong, she'd be lecturing me in no time flat and might even tell Princess Celestia in one of her damn friendship letters. And wouldn't that just be a hoot? 'Hey Princess, one of them six ponies you trusted with those fancy gemstones to save Equestria, yeah? She wants to drag her brother off to the hayloft and regularly sells her pretty country-girl body for cash.'

I… hell. Hell, I didn't ever think of it, but… I got one of those element thingies too, don't I? They're pretty important and… is… that another responsibility of mine? Does that mean even the Princess thinks… god, I ain't never wanted this! I just wanna… I just wanna run away! I wanna be with Big Mac, I want… I want to tell him. If I had Big Mac, I could stop giving myself away like a goddamn whore to every male pony on the streets of the big cities, I could stop feeling so worthless, I could just… give up the world that depends on me so much. I'm just some damn dirty, filthy, worthless country girl, why do they think I'm Ponyvile's number one? I ain't. I just ain't. I don't want to be, I hate being responsible for this whole stupid town.

And I hate that it all rests on a gamble. I could tell Big Mac, sure… and maybe he'd be so disgusted he'd up and leave. Even if he rejected me polite-like, I… it would break my heart, that's how much I love him. And knowing me, I might blabber out how much… what… the things I do. The… lusts. He… he'd hate me. My own beloved brother would end up hating me. And my friends, if my friends found out, I might lose them, they might be just as disgusted with me. I can't tell a single soul… I can just let it build up inside me 'til I finally snap, and hope for the best. If only they knew just what a damn liar I was… I live a double-life. Prostitute pony in the city, responsible, honorable Applejack the country girl heroine here in Ponyville. Ain't lying with my mouth, but… it's lying with my body, ain't it? 'Cept more and more, I think that's what my damn body does best…

I gotta throw this off. I gotta… figure out the answer, 'cause this is driving me nuts. And now, like always happens now when I get stressed, my body gets… hot. Needy. I wanna bury myself in… in kisses from strangers, in feelings that… are exotic. Animal. Primal. In the stuff they tell us in health class you definitely shouldn't do. Oh God, I need it, I need it or I'm gonna burst, I need it or I'm gonna break down crying, I need it or I'm gonna end up crawling to Big Mac on my knees, begging him to love me, to make love to me like I've always wanted, begging to feel his body over me, not just in his embrace but beneath him, rocking, rocking, rocking, like Granny's old chair…

I need to go now. Think there's some… apple pie to take to the market in the big city. Think there's plenty of it to go around, plenty hot from the oven still. And after I finish… selling my… apple pie, when it's all cooled down and the cash and the cold, scared, heavy thoughts afterwards have brought too much rain on for any further sellin' or harvestin', then I'll come up with a plan. I'll figure out a way to make this all okay. I'll pray to God to make one exception for this sin in this one little case, I'll beg to whatever I gotta. And I'll stop at my parents' graves, and apologize to them for everything I'm doing, and let 'em know it's okay if they wanna disown me from Heaven as their daughter… 'cause then maybe, just maybe, that would make it okay for me to make love to male who would be my brother in flesh-and-blood, but my lover in every other way possible.

Got some selling to do. Got some apple pie on sale… prices so low, I'm almost giving it away. So delicious and welcoming, you'll wanna share it with your friends… come on there, handsome, don't be shy now. Come buy some of my sweet apple pie… I got more than enough to go around for y'all.