I don't own any of the characters. Please write reviews! This is all human.

J.M.J.

Just so you guys know, this is based on a true story. All of this stuff in the story has happened to me. This is pretty much my journal but I changed the names to Twilight characters. I really doubt anybody would just read a random story like this just because, especially if they didn't know anything about it. Soooo yea, I made it Twilight. Tell me what you think please?

Then I Realized it

Bella's point of view

Chapter 6

I woke up the next morning head pounding, exhausted, and barely able to remember the previous night. I saw an empty plastic cup beside my bed. I sniffed the little drops of liquid left in the bottom of the cup; alcohol. I lifted my sleeve; another cut and all the rest were deepened. I sighed and went to the bathroom to brush my teeth. I was glad to find that I had cleaned all of the evidence of my cutting even when I was drunk.

I went downstairs and didn't even bother pretending to eat. My head was pounding like crazy and I was dizzy from getting up so fast. I took two advil and grabbed my school books. I attempted school for a few hours but couldn't really concentrate and it was really pissing me off that Edward would not get out of my head. I didn't want to talk to him because I knew he would tell somebody something even though he said he wouldn't. I didn't trust him because I didn't know him and he doesn't have any reason to keep my secret. I didn't trust anyone because everybody seemed to betray me. I couldn't be left again. I couldn't take it.

I walked to the swingset in the backyard. It was my favorite place to be. It didn't look very beautiful; there weren't flowers and there wasn't any grass. It was just a metal swingset that was set in rock-hard dirt surrounded by trees. In the afternoon when the sun started to go down, the light would break through the trees and the sky would turn a thousand shades of orange, red, and purple. It was always so beautiful to me, but nobody else gave it a chance.

I sat in the swing just swinging back and forth lightly, not even enough to move my feet off the ground. My thoughts were completely blank. I couldn't think even if I wanted to, not that I cared to even try. I stared at the sky, watching the colors of the clouds change as it dropped further and further down. I also got colder and colder, but I didn't care enough to move. I wouldn't mind being frozen in place, because even if I stayed on that swing forever, nobody would come check on me. I wasn't worth the walk across the yard.

I stared at the sky even after the sun was gone, I looked at the stars. I loved the smallest stars that you could barely see the most because they kind of reminded me of me. The bigger, brighter stars got more attention and got more compliments. While the smaller stars were hardly looked at, most of the time not even noticed. I also felt like a smaller star because, I have no reason to be complimented. I'm not as beautiful and bright as everyone else. The only thing that the small stars had that I didn't was somebody's care and attention; they had my care and attention. I would never have anybody's care or attention; I'm just a speckle in the sky.

I went back inside and choked down three shots of vodka in the kitchen, my dad still wasn't home yet and my mom was watching tv so there wasn't anybody to get mad at me. Though they didn't care if I drank alcohol or not. I stumbled up the stairs with a water-bottle full of wine. I sat in the bathroom and chugged the entire bottle of wine within three minutes. I washed the bottle out in the sink to get rid of the smell, brushed my teeth and went into my room. Rosalie was in the tv room with mom and would just turn the light on when she came in. I flipped the switch, pulled my pants off, and fell into bed. Within seconds, I was greeted by a deep, deep sleep.

I woke up the next morning and it felt like somebody had put nails in my temples in my sleep. My head was killing me and of course that was from all the alcohol and lack of food. I sat in bed for a while just thinking about how I wished life was good. Then I got my laptop and checked my e-mail. I had a few facebook notifications. A few messages were people commenting on my pictures and there was one message from Edward Cullen. I deleted all of the notifications without looking at any of them.

I went downstairs and ate a small handful of almonds and two advil and I washed it all down with a cup of water. Next I grabbed my books for school and forced myself to concentrate, no matter how much pain I was in. It didn't matter because I had to get through school. I had to get out of this house and I had to be able to provide for my kids, if I ever decided to have any. I would never want anybody to have to grow up like I've had to grow up. School was the only important thing to me at this point.

I worked on school all morning long and skipped lunch. I read a book called "the outsiders". I really enjoyed the book. It was one of my favorite books and I'd already read it twice. After, I read the book, I got ready for soccer practice.

I wasn't the best at soccer because I didn't like to keep the ball for very long and I wasn't the most aggressive person either. However, I was the best runner. My mom dropped me off at the fields and like always, I was a half an hour early. I ran around the entire complex three times. One time around the entire complex was a mile. After I finished running, I put my mp3 player in my bag and started stretching with the girls that had just arrived. Slowly, the entire team got there. We started practice and the first fifteen minutes were sprints which I really pushed myself on. Everybody else ran through the drills instead of sprinting. After all the sprints, we did a few shooting drills and then the coach split us up and we had a small scrimmage. While I waited for my mom to pick me up after practice I ran a few laps around the field. After about four laps I just sat in the grass by my bag and waited. All of the other girls were already gone. It was just me and the coach sitting there. He always waited until everybody was gone because our soccer complex wasn't the best of places to hang out at night.

"I saw you running earlier," he commented.

"Yea," I nodded my head, staring at the ground.

"How much did you run today?" He sounded bored, but not upset. He was a really nice guy.

"Just three miles," I mumbled.

"Just?" he chuckled. "Then you did sprints for fifteen minutes which was about 2 and a half miles and then you just ran another mile after practice."

"Yea, I guess," I wasn't really tired or anything; wasn't even out of breath. I was just blank, like it didn't affect me.

"Do you run a lot?" he asked. I thought about that for a quick moment in my head. Did he mean do I run from my problems a lot? Or did he mean literally do I run a lot?

"Not really, just three or four times a week." I mumbled, still looking at the dirt. "I run on Mondays and before practice on Tuesdays and Thursdays and then I run on Fridays if I can. Oh, and we have games on Saturdays and sometimes Sundays too, but I don't really count games or practice as running."

"Wow." He sounded so surprised I looked up to see him staring at me in awe. "That's good. Practice and games should count as running. You run all through practice and because you play midfield, you're constantly sprinting at games."

"I guess," I mumbled and looked back at the ground. "I love to run."

"Why?" he asked in disgust.

"I don't know… I just do," I lied. Just then my mom pulled up in her car.

"I'll see you Thursday Bella," he waved and started walking to his car.

"Sure," I mumbled and got in the car. I rolled down the window, and we didn't talk at all. I got home and took off my stuff and took a shower. I sat down in the bath and let the hot water run down my back. I got out of the shower after scrubbing my body and washing my hair. I pulled on a shirt and some shorts. Then I checked my e-mail again. Another message telling me that Edward sent me another message on facebook. I deleted the notification without reading his message. I was so worried he would tell. I didn't want Edward's help. He couldn't possibly help me because he didn't know me at all. He didn't even know what happened or why I do it. He would tell and I would be locked in an asylum and honestly, that would kill me. I might be alive, but I would be emotionally killed. If I'm not already emotionally killed.

I went downstairs, Renee and Phil were already in bed, Rosalie was probably in the downstairs tv room on her laptop or something. I took a couple shots of Captain Morgan and filled my bottle with wine. I stumbled up the stairs and sat in bed. I sat in the dark, chugging the bottle and hating the taste. I hated the taste of alcohol, but I forced myself to drink it because I knew it would lull me to sleep.

I woke up and looked at my clock; it was 4:47am. I didn't even remember putting my bottle of wine down; don't even remember finishing it. I had to pee really bad so I got up and stumbled to the bathroom, I was so dizzy I slammed into the bedroom doorway and ran into the bathroom door while trying to open it. I sat on the toilet and almost slid off. On the way back to my bed I slammed into the bedroom doorway again and stubbed my toe. I cursed and then tripped and fell into bed. It didn't take me very long to fall asleep.

In the morning, I woke up late. I didn't eat breakfast, just went straight on to school. I didn't eat lunch either. I sat on the swings for a while and then came inside to get ready for Church. I helped teach the little kids their religion when some of the teachers didn't come. They never knew when the teachers were gonna come or not so if they didn't come I would just sit in the hallway and wait til Rosalie's bible study was over.

I got in the front seat of the car because we had to pick up Ben on the way. Rosalie and Renee talked on the way but I didn't really hear what they were saying, I just stared out my window lost in my empty thoughts. We pulled into his driveway and he got in the car. Rosalie hugged him quite excitedly. Sometimes I think she forgets she has a boyfriend. They started talking and I couldn't make out what they were saying, I was too busy staring at the multicolored clouds in the sky. The sun was going down; my favorite thing to see.

"Charlie is supposed to be picking you guys up but he might be a little late because he has to close at work tonight," Renee said as I got out of the car. I nodded and she drove off. Rosalie and Ben walked ahead, talking and laughing. I walked on the other side of the walkway so I didn't have to hear anything they said.

"All of the teachers are here today so we don't need you," the secretary said when I walked into the office.

"Oh, ok," I mumbled and walked out. I plopped down in the hallway, everyone was already in the classrooms, and bible-study had already started. I took "The Outsiders" out of my bag and started reading it. I finished reading the entire book and it was almost time for all the classes to be over. I started to stand up but my back hurt from leaning against the wall for so long. Before I could even see that somebody was in the room with me, my hand was grabbed and I was standing up and I looked at the guy who helped me up. He was a short Hispanic guy with long curly hair. He kissed me on the cheek and smiled.

"Thank you," I blushed. Woah, has this guy ever heard of personal boundaries. He looked a lot older than me too; like out of college older than me.

"My name is George," he had a very strong Spanish accent, I could barely tell what he was saying.

"I'm Bella." I started to kind of walk past him but he grabbed my arm.

"Hang on a second," he said and went to get something out of Fr. Jose's office. It was only a few minutes before he came back. "Here is my number." He handed me a piece of paper with his name and number on it.

"Thank you," I smiled. I knew there was no way in hell I'd be calling him but I didn't want to be mean and not take it. "I have to go, bye." The secretary walked through the hall dinging the bell and little kids started to crowd the hall. I went outside and sat on the bench in front of the Mary water fountain. Parents came back and forth, picking up their kids or holding their hand and walking with them. Soon the coming and going stopped; everybody was gone. Charlie wasn't here yet though. I went inside the Church and walked around. I was sitting in front of the Crucifix, waiting for Rosalie and Ben to come and get me when Charlie gets here. I wasn't really sure where they were but I was sure they would come find me when it was time to go.

"Bella, I want to talk to you." I hadn't even heard Ms. Cope come in. I turned around and walked toward her. She wasn't my favorite person to be around. She wasn't that much older than me and she was in charge of Lifeteen(the teen religious education program). "I think you should talk to Ben." Oh no, this was not good. "He really likes you and you should give him a shot. He's always been very nice to you and you need to be nice to him and be with him. He only wants this one thing. He already has so many problems in his life. His father is an alcoholic and his mother cannot drive and he has to take care of his two sisters and get a job in highschool to support his family. You need to just give him this one thing." She was trying to guilt trip me into liking him. Are you kidding me? What the hell? I already knew all that stuff about him which is why I felt so awful for not liking him back but I would just end up hurting him even more if I went along with it. "He told me you've been ignoring him and he also told me that you won't go to the dance with him."

"I don't think it's a good idea, I've got to go. I have to see if my ride is here yet." I walked out the door as fast as I could. I couldn't believe she said that to me. That she tried to convince me to like him. I cannot believe he talks to her about that. What a jerk. Charlie still wasn't here; I went back inside and went to the bathroom. My stomach was churning and I was sweating and shivering. My arm was throbbing and begging me to cut it and release the pressure. I took out the knife I carried with me everywhere now, and cut a long, deep line across my arm. I took a paper towel from the dispenser and secured it around my arm with a rubberband. I pulled my sleeve back down and went to find Rosalie and Ben; they were in the office. I knocked on the glass door and walked all the way to the other side of the Church. I went out the back door and walked all the way around the outside of the Church. There was a car there though. This older, tall guy was standing outside of it smoking. He looked over at me and smiled and I was creeped out. He got in the car and turned it on and I took off running. I ran around the Church and Charlie was sitting in the car waiting. Ben and Rosalie still weren't there yet though.

"Why are you running?" Charlie asked when I got in the car.

"Oh, there was just some guy over there that kinda creeped me out," I said calmly. The creepy guy drove by us, looking at me in the car as he passed. Rosalie finally walked into the parking lot and got in the backseat.

"Ben is getting a ride with Ms. Cope," she said as she got in the car.

"Ok." Charlie started the car and we were off. I rolled down my window and put my arm out, letting George's number fly out of my hand as we drove. When we got home I jumped out of the car and waved to Charlie.

"Thanks for the ride, bye." I went inside and took a few big gulps out of the bottle of Captain Morgan. Then went upstairs, took the rubberband and papertowel off my arm. I rinsed the dried blood off my arm and went to bed. It didn't take very long to fall asleep, a few tears were shed, but it wasn't too bad. The alcohol kicked in pretty fast. I welcomed the darkness that wanted so badly to overtake me.

So what'd you think? Sorry I haven't written in a while, a lot has gone on with me. School sucks and all so I don't have as much time as I did when I started writing the story. Please review?