Six Broken Ponies: Aerodynamics
~BlackRoseRaven
I'm built for speed, and I love it: a Pegasus like me has got it made, and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. My body is smooth and streamlined, my wings are strong, I'm more agile than a cheetah and lighter on my hooves than a feather on a falcon. Bird or beast or other Pegasi, you ain't got nothing on me.
Yeah, racing, nothing's better… except winning. And yet these days, ever since I… grew up, so to speak, winning doesn't taste as good as it used to. When you're a kid, see, the whole world's so tiny. Sure, I knew I lived in some country called Equestria, but really? My whole world was Cloudsdale. I knew about flying teams and the great races and stunts around Canterlot, but in my little world, all the best racing was in Cloudsdale, all the fastest races took place in those windswept skies, and I was the best.
Then, as you get older, the world gets bigger. Suddenly, you ain't the best anymore, you're just a number. You ain't as special… and even winning trophies and showing off my skills, there's still that lingering knowledge that hey, you're the best of these bunch… but there's a whole wide world out there, of land, sea and sky, bigger than you'll ever be able to fly across by yourself, Rainbow, no matter how fast you are. You can't compete with the entire world… it'll rip you apart like you're nothing but a speck of dust, 'cause to the world, that really is all you are.
But you get friends, too. You start to realize that just 'cause you ain't the center of the world – even if you… you know, really like to think that yes, you are the center of the world – it doesn't matter as much. Because you have friends by your side. 'Cause when you fall down, you know someone is gonna be there to help you back up to your hooves, or bandage your wings if you strain 'em, or carry you – just a little! – through the skies after you screw up for the hundredth time. 'Cept then you grow up into an adult. And suddenly everything gets a lot more complicated, 'cause now you got friends… and you got love… and you start to look at yourself and question everything about your own body and habits and… the whole world around you.
When I was a little filly, you know, the other boys picked on me. Didn't bother me much… but it was 'cause they thought half the time that I was a boy, too. Suddenly, when they found out I was a girl, I was off-limits. I still liked all the same stuff they did, hated frilly dresses, hated girly garbage, was only obsessed with the adrenaline drive and eventual victory over everyone who would race me, but… now the boys were weird and edgy around me. I was almost happy for those jerks who made fun of me. At least when they were calling me Rainbow Crash and picking on me, they were treating me like they'd treat any other pony. Jerks or not, I'd rather be picked on by those losers than I would be ignored by the rest of the boys in the class 'cause I'm a girl.
Of course, getting kicked out of Cloudsdale's flight school didn't fly so hot with mom and dad. Nor did they like the fact I just wanted to dress like a guy pony and I never played with my dolls or my girly-garbage, I wanted to play with the boys and roughhouse and race. Those ain't lady things, my mom would always say, they ain't for girls, and dad would just… anyway, that's… that's in the past.
My body is athletic, streamlined. I looked up the stats, I got the best form. And as a female, my build is lighter. I got better tone than most Pegasus from all my time spent in the sky, always pushing the limits of my speed… I'm sure I'd be a shoo-in for the Wonderbolts, if I could only get them to pay attention to me for five minutes. But when I feel eyes on me, my performance falls apart… no, that's not just it. When… when I think about myself, my performance falls apart. Because I'm a girl, see. I'm a girl, with a perfect female build for the sport, falling into the Class-A Pegasus category. And… I don't feel right about that.
My friends know me as a tomboy. But AJ's a tomboy, she's still able to be feminine when she wants, she just happens to do and like boyish things. Me, I don't… I don't click very well with other females, I don't associate myself with them or with girlish habits. I don't primp or preen, I don't really know how to do my makeup by myself, I hate dresses, I don't feel right unless I'm tackling a physical task and… I'm… really… attracted to a certain… a certain someone. Who happens to be a she. I like her, a whole, whole lot… I wanna be with her, a whole… whole… lot…
I know. Most people… I don't think they'd understand. It'd just be Rainbow Dash, trying to explain something out of her element, since all she knows about is racing and running her mouth off. Which, well… is true, I guess. I definitely ain't the brightest pony out there, not like that egghead Twilight, but…while I might not know much about much, I do know something or other about myself, you know? I just feel it… right there, deep inside of me. It's there, in my heart, in my soul, telling me that… my skin's too tight, my body's too alien. That I'm supposed to be something different. That I'm not supposed to have these stupid girl parts… this aerodynamic, perfect body that cuts the body like a knife, shooting through the air, letting me even bring legend into life… and yet if that's what I owe my victories too, being a girl, I… I'd give it all up to be a guy. To experience that. To feel like I'm in the right body instead of wearing some hot Pegasus lady's skin.
You know what the worst part is? I like looking in the mirror. I like admiring my shape, my form, my curves… until I remember that I'm standing in front of a mirror, anyway, and that's me looking back. Then I hate it… but god, do I ever wish sometimes that I could… I could trade this. I might even settle for an Earth Pony's body… ain't like they can't still race, right? It wouldn't be the same as shooting through the air, but feel… masculine, to feel that even if I'm not the best in the world, I'm at least real, then… that would be fantastic. And if I was a boy… I wouldn't have to pretend that I didn't… get feelings for her. That I didn't want to be with her, I could tell her that I compete with her so much and so often because… it lets me be closer to her. And the thrill of when our bodies end up entangled…
But I'm not. I'm a chick. I'm a chick, in a stupid body, obsessed with winning stupid games because winning is my pleasure and my pain, my glory and my bane. Hey, I guess that rhymes, huh? You know what doesn't rhyme, though? Rainbow Dash and the word 'male.' I guess that doesn't make much sense but… these stupid emotions. I hate 'em. In fact, more and more, I'm starting to hate anything that's girly… sometimes I even think girls are weak, but… I know that's just my anger talking. God, you know, sometimes it even feels like I have guy emotions: the first thing I wanna ever do is kick something or shout at something or drown my sorrows by flying through the air, the only place I'm comfortable anymore… except more and more, I'm starting to hate even that.
It's like, as the hours and days pass since I first realized that… I think of myself as a guy, not a girl, that I wish I had a male body, instead of a female one… the craving for it gets worse. The need for it, gets worse. I'm more and more aware of people referring to me as female, and the subtle differences in how people treat guys and girls differently, even though we're all supposed to be equal or something. Well, not so subtle in Rarity's case, but I guess a proper lady and all doesn't count, right?
What I'm saying is that… God, I've learned winning isn't everything after all. What use to me is winning when I can't enjoy it? I can't even enjoy showers, or the feeling of the wind against my body anymore… even spending time with my friends is hard. Unless we're doing something where I lose myself, or I'm with Applejack and my eyes are on her gorgeous green ones… all I can think of is that we're all girls, doing girly things. And Spike, well… no offense to the little guy, but he's not exactly brimming with masculinity.
Yeah. The greatest flyer in Equestria… but I'd trade it all to feel in place. I can just imagine it, leaving Ponyville, coming back a male. And I mean, yeah. No matter what, I'd still try and be the very best I could be… but somehow, it feels like… like it would have more meaning. I'd fit in better, I'd feel more confident. I wouldn't have to pretend that I know all this girly gook and I could look at girls and not have other ponies stare at me when they realizing I'm checkin' them out. I wouldn't have to make excuses for myself anymore… I wouldn't have to make excuses to myself anymore. I could just be me… that's the real victory, isn't it? That's what we're all after, right? A place, a time, a… something, where we can be ourselves.
Some days… I think I should tell my friends. See what they think. Some days I feel like if… I could just talk my feelings out with someone, this wouldn't be so bad. But they all know me as loyal Rainbow Dash, brave to a fault, and… cocky to another fault. And that's the only kind of cocky they know me for. And showing that I have… feelings, well… I mean… it would be awkward. Worse, I might say something to Applejack or about Applejack and… well… they already give us weird looks sometimes as it is, like they know I got secret feelings for her. And what if they tell me what… mom and dad told me? That I'm doing this to myself, like… like I have a choice in what I feel, in what I am!
I think that might just about kill me, and I'm not being a drama queen like Rarity. They tell me I'm the most loyal of all ponies, but… maybe it isn't loyalty. Maybe it's just clinginess, neediness. When everyone else's eyes on me, I screw up. When their eyes are on me… I succeed. And not just because of my ego, either… it's like being around them makes me stronger. I can't risk that, I can't lose that. And what about Applejack? She's honest, pure, wonderful… what if she was disgusted by it? What if she realized all these games we've played are just so… I could feel… be… closer to her. I mean… that… that could be taken completely the wrong way and… oh god. It scares me. I don't wanna think about it.
And I can live with this, right? I mean, I've been living with it this long? I'm a beautiful, talented, perfect female. My body is sculpted. My wings are strong. I'm built for speed, the most versatile thing in the sky, the fastest pony in all of Equestria. Why would I want to give that up for a male form, bulkier, larger. Bigger wings, better for moving that heavier body… more of a rectangular build, larger, more developed shoulders, strong, masculine, not… weak and effeminate… I mean… I mean, no. No. I can't. Why am I even thinking this way? Why am I even trying, it can never happen. It will never happen… I'll… never win the real prize. I'll never win you over, Applejack, and I'll never be… a real boy. No matter how I try, or talk, or act… I'll never be a real boy…
I am a pretty little girl. I'm a pretty girl pony. There's nothing wrong with me, from hoof to head and tail to wing. My body is fit as a fiddle, I'm spry as a bird, fast as lightning. I'm a beautiful young female, and nothing is wrong with that, nothing is wrong with me. Not a thing, not a single thing. There's nothing at all wrong with me, I'm normal, and a girl, and I don't have to be a boy. That's just silly. That's only something I'm torturing myself with. It doesn't make sense… it… it doesn't… it doesn't… I'm a pretty, pretty girl… I'm a pretty little girl pony…