Fix You

Prologue

Bella's POV

"Bella."

His soft voice is the only sound in the large empty room which I call home. He says my name slowly, calm and measured as though I'm fragile and might break, when all I want him to do is hold me. At the same time it's oddly soothing; it's a relief from the loud noises outside which make my head ache.

There's a small frown between his eyebrows and the longing to make it disappear by pressing my lips there ripples through me, tempting me like the serpent luring Adam and Eve towards the forbidden fruit. He runs a hand distractedly through his hair; it's clear from his face that he's torn between doing the right thing, and just giving in and being selfish for once in his life.

"Bella," he continues, meeting my eyes with his beautiful brown ones, "I shouldn't be here. I really shouldn't be here. Not again."

The words are like a dagger in my chest; each syllable winds me. I should have tried to stop this before it all got out of control, but there was nothing I could do. I was helpless and I needed him there.

I still do. I still need him.

And now we're in too deep. I can see that it's going to hurt and, judging by the look on Carlisle's face, he does too.

It's unavoidable.

"Why not?" I manage to ask eventually, after a long silence. "Why can't you be here?"

When he stares back at me wordlessly, I realise just how desperate I must sound. Yet, as pitiful as it may be, it was an honest question; if he's going to leave me to cope on my own after all we've been through together then I need a decent answer. He needs to justify his actions.

His mouth opens and closes three times as he tries to construct his response. Hope flickers inside me like a light; maybe he doesn't have a reason. Maybe he doesn't want to go.

"Bella, you know why," he says with a sigh. "I'm married."

The darkness suddenly descends around me and becomes suffocating. I push the air in and out of my lungs, trying to stop the images flickering in my mind that I'd once been able to push away. The blood, the flames, the lifeless eyes.

I feel warmth on my hand and open my eyes to see Carlisle's fingers on mine; that brings back memories too, everything does. The brilliant compassion is clear in his expression once again; the genuine concern he has for everybody he encounters is evident.

I want more than his concern.

"I know it's tough, Bella, and I'm... I'm sorry if I've made it any worse. So sorry."

As he takes a breath, I use the chance to plead. "You haven't made it worse, Carlisle. You've helped me survive." It all comes out in a rush, an anxious mess. "I dread to think what would have happened if you weren't always there for me."

His face turns tortured this time and he removes his hand abruptly. Both of them are now balled into tight fists on his lap and he's never felt so far away.

"I really do love your company," he starts, speaking with his eyes closed tight, "and I'm so glad that I've been able to help you, but I fear I'm becoming too involved. I... I'm slowly losing control, Bella, and I want to stop this before I do, before people get hurt. I couldn't bear that."

I can only stare at him blankly. The dark hole is returning, taunting me as it creeps slowly nearer, and I want to gladly crawl into it to hide; maybe then I could avoid the painful thoughts of Carlisle being with his wife, loving her instead of me.

He suddenly moves forward, brushing a finger across my cheek. His touch is like a ghost's and is so brief that it's over before I can really register it. Savour it. "Don't cry, Bella, please don't... it breaks my heart, it really does."

Maybe that would be fair. He's already broken mine and perhaps he deserves that in return.

"Okay." I can't force out any more words and I just stare at my hands.

They're shaking.

"There are other people out there who are trained to help victims like you," he continues. "I'm not qualified in that field. I should have realised that sooner before I did any damage."

"You're a doctor... you heal people," I protest. His face turns sadder.

"No, Bella. I... I'm sorry, I can't help you anymore."

"You were there with me. You understand what we've been through... Carlisle!"

He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. "I've left you a list of numbers of people who can help you. It's on the table over there. Whenever you need it, please tell me that you'll use them? Bella?" His voice seems reluctant, almost unsure, but maybe that's just my wishful thinking. I move my head forward a fraction to nod.

"Right. Good." My eyes aren't focused on him anymore, but I see a blur of white and blue move upwards; he's standing, ready to leave.

"I'm sorry."

Those are his final words. I force my eyes to remain down, yet it's incredibly difficult when he leans close and presses a gentle kiss on my sizzling forehead. His lips leave a tingling mark, almost like he's branded me.

But then, with a brief breeze that blows his familiar scent in my direction, he's gone.