Little angsty one. Funny one to follow shortly and yeah, walls is coming. I promise!
"You don't understand," Dean told her as he swirled the whiskey in the glass in front of him, watching the light dancing on the pale, golden liquid.
Lisa's hand came to rest down on top of his, stilling the movement. "Then help me understand Dean. Please."
He turned to look at her. Sincere, worried eyes rested on his.
"I don't know if I can." He put the glass down and leant back on the couch, closing his eyes and trying to steady himself.
"Try. For me."
And there it was. The thing that he had been trying to explain to her laid out unwittingly by her own mouth.
"That's just it. Everything I do, everything I've ever done has been for someone else." He turned his head towards her. "I'm not sure if I can remember how to want something just for me, I'm not sure that I can."
Lisa sighed and leant forward, lips gently brushing his forehead and her hand brushing his cheek. "You can. If you want it badly enough you can have this. Me. Ben. Us."
Dean sighed and turned to look at the ceiling again. "It's just…there have been so many things that I've wanted in my life and do you know how many of them I've gotten? Huh?"
Lisa pressed a soft kiss to his ear and he shivered. "Tell me." She knew what he was going to say but Dean was sharing and she wanted to let him.
He let out a bitter little laugh. "None. All I ever got was what I didn't want. Started with my mother and not wanting her to be dead and then it just snowballed from there. Life on the road, flunking school, Dad dying, Sam leaving, Sam dying, Hell…..first me then him and don't get me started on the angels." He wiped at his face. "After a while it was just easier not to want anything, couldn't be disappointed then."
Lisa turned his head in her hands and made him look at her, his eyes showing her for the first time just how much pain he was carrying inside. "It's okay to want this Dean. This is something that you can have, we just need to work together at it." She paused. "That is, if this is what you really want."
He gave her a wry little smile. "I came here because Sam asked me to but really, I think I was going to anyway. After everything, I just…" He bit at his lip. "I just need something for me. I keep worrying that it's all going to go south or that you and Ben will end up getting hurt."
Lisa shrugged. "Things go south all the time Dean and shit happens but sometimes you just have to say 'fuck it' and grab what you've got with both hands. Worry about what is down the road later."
Dean laughed. "I can do that." He looked over at her, assessed her for a minute and then sat back. "Why did you let me in?"
She smiled. "I let you in because I wanted to. I wanted us to at least give it a try." Lisa leant in against his neck. "I think I've wanted that since the first day I met you. I just didn't realise it until you were standing on my doorstep."
Dean felt a warm little feeling creep through him that he didn't have a name for. "No one has ever needed me just for me. Dad needed me to help look after Sam and with the hunt. Sam needed me to be his big brother and to look out for him. It's always been about what I can do for other people and never about them doing anything for me. And I know how that sounds. Poor Dean, woe is me."
"Okay." Lisa sat up. "So you can't settle because this is something that you want to do and not something someone wants you to do for them?"
Dean looked over at her. "Kinda."
"Okay. I want you to do something for me."
He raised his eyebrows. "What?"
"I want you to be the best father to Ben that you can be. I want you to be there for him when he needs you. Think you can do that for me?" She gave him a shy little smile.
Dean sat quietly for a minute. "Yeah, I can do that." He let his hand drift down onto her leg, fingers idly caressing her thigh. "Anything else?"
She looked down at his hand resting on her, slid her fingers into his. "I want you to want me Dean. I want it a lot."
He got what she was saying. Love wasn't a word that either of them was going to use lightly. "That's good," he replied placing his lips to her neck and gently pressing a kiss against her skin. "I want that too."
And, even if it was just going to be just for that moment, he meant it.