Hey again! I still dont own Harry and his crew.
Chapter Three
Snape was too stunned to do anything but watch the sandy blond walk away. He had the book. That was all that mattered, so why did he feel so unsatisfied?
Lupin felt smug, if not unsettled by the conversation, and the emotions brought up by such a nearly volatile encounter. Snape was a douche but Remus had decided that if supplied with the proper amounts of sunshine he could bloom. This assumption was based o the fact that he had seen two actual smiles grace the face of this sad, disheartened youth. Both had occurred in the sun, under a tree, with a large book in his hand. Everyone would have believed that that is where Lupin would smile, but really they would be wrong only for the fact that unless someone is watching judging Remus didn't smile.
If Lily and sunshine could make Severus smile then Remus should be able to at least prevent more damage.
Snape clearly didn't realize how much Remus did. How could he though? He was but another emotionally stunted youth taken secretly under Remus' wing. He currently watched Sirius, Peter, Snape and Malfoy. It probably wasn't right to pick and choose but these were the youth in danger, either emotionally or physically. They still had hope and using all of his powers, both magic and just plain muggle skill he planned to help save these woe-begotten youths.
Remus spent all of his time on classes or extra-curricular. Saving the less fortunate and what not, which was really to bad because even knowing all of this, knowing all he did, he still felt he was worthless, felt he shouldn't exist. He was the worst off. Life had been cruel to the seventeen year old who tried so hard to help someone, everyone and still suffered. Karma was one jank-ass bitch, or at least Sirius thought so.
Remus had the list of ingredients and the next step was to gather the ingredients so he might as well get them now before he forgot or lost the list. The list was all speculation though, so he grab a few other basic things in case this test failed.
Snape didn't realize that Lupin walked out of the library with Snape's own list. Lupin was a great pick pocket, with the werewolf sense and speed that he could use whenever he needed. An invisibility cloak didn't hurt though.
Snape ran after Lupin. He stopped and screamed and Lupin didn't turn or even pause, knowing Snape had just discovered his list missing. The library was now closed and he would have no way to gain access to them. He had used his time to get the notes and now had nothing to show for it.
Once secure under the invisibility cloak he made his way to the potion master's stores. He would only steal the rare ingredients as he already had a large supply of most of the usual ingredients in his kit at all times. He already had his kit set up in his secure brewing location in the second floor girls lavatory. He had left it of the map that the guys made so that the guys couldn't find him if he didn't want to be found. It would be ok if he was left alone until the brewing was over.
He had never been much for alone time, but this called for it. With the friends he had he had grown out of a fear alone time because he needed to keep his sanity. Work helps him as much as alone time does. Luckily this project had both. He got both whenever he decided to do work because the other three had never been much for work. They would always bale if he mentioned work, so he would time off of babysitting too.
This potion would help both of those and of course do what it was designed to do. He liked this potion mostly because it was strictly hypothetical at this point. It left him some work to do. His brain loved extra work both for the slightly overstressed feeling and because he didn't have to think about his life.
He was already beginning to introspective just by admitting that much to himself. He turned hi eyes to the potion list and tried to make it hypothetically stable. The only problem was that his eyes stung and were filled with tears to the point that he couldn't see the list, much less the items on it.
Tears had not been shed in years. Not since second year when he had transformed and woken up surrounded by centaurs trying to kill him. It always made his eyes water.
He decided to let it happen. The tears had been welling up for ages and really needed a release. He was sick of the never ending emotions that swirled around his insides, feeling like they were eating him alive.
He sank to the bathroom floor, confident he wouldn't be bothered because of the loud ghost that reside in one of the stalls. He wasn't sobbing, just leaking water from his eyes. He was lost in memories of centaurs and parents and hatred. He didn't hear the door open in spite of the obnoxious creak it made.
Severus had followed him to the bathroom and was just watching. Snape didn't know what to do, or feel. He had been planning on using a new curse on him, just to test. He had been planning on taking all of the potions equipment Lupin had. What he now saw had him dumbstruck. Lupin, stoic, calm, even-tempered Lupin was crying on the bathroom floor. Snape wasn't good with people he liked, as few as they were, much less people he despised with all of his heart and soul.
Through the window could be seen a silver sliver of moon. How odd that just an hour ago Lupin had been as content as he ever was and retreating in the setting sun. The pale light shown on, dancing off of the faucets and mirrors, leaving Lupin looking ethereal. Slow tears slid down his down turned face and his arms were held out in front of him in either reverence or disgust. Their sleeves were rolled back above his elbow and from where Severus was, with the light of the moon, lines were visible. No. Scars. They were directly above his veins on either wrist. Remus ran a finger over his defined marks.
All that Severus could think was why. How could normally content Remus do this to himself? Remus leaned down and kissed each long healed wound.
It was Severus' sudden in take of breath that caught Remus' attention, bringing him from his memories and into the here and now. He looked to the door and saw a familiar, unwelcome face.
His tear strewn face immediately turned defensive. No matter how weak he was Snape needn't know it.
The light on the tears and scars brought Snape to his knees. If Remus lost it with the protection and love of the Marauders and the rest of the school, with a charmed life, how was Severus supposed to hold it together?
"Why?" He whispered. "Why would you, surrounded by Saint Potter and suave Black need to resort to that despicable attempt at an out?"
He was bright red in the face. He was wondering why he cared so much. He hated Lupin as he hated Black and Potter. Lupin didn't condone what they did but he didn't do anything to stop it. He was a prefect and had the power at his fingertips and he still refused to help him. He still refused to let Severus have peace in a single aspect of his life.
Lupin read Snape's face and answered both the spoken and unspoken questions hanging in the air between them. The air was thick as he spoke the words, "I didn't."
Lupin turned his head away in shame, thinking that what he had said would be enough for anyone to automatically jump to the appropriate conclusion. In his tear addled brain it was Snape's fault he had had to ask, had had to put Remus through the horror of saying those two simple words aloud for everyone to hear.
Of all the answers he could have received this was the least expected. When you ask someone why they killed themselves you don't expect "I didn't" as an answer.
"Don't lie Lupin. I have the power here. Poor brave Gryffindor hiding in the girls lavatory to cry. You don't call the shots and you certainly don't get to lie."
"I didn't." It seemed comically but Remus was to sad to smile and Snape was to mad see that it wasn't meant to be mocking.
"You are not funny. This is pathetic. You and you friends are pathetic. The fact that you hid from them in the girls room is…you guessed it…pathetic." Snape was being vicious, enjoying the fact that he knew he was emotionally safe because Lupin was nice and kind. He helped first years, and not just to look good, just because. He had a bake sale and gave the proceeds to an orphanage. He was the type to give you his jacket because you said you were cold, even though you already had a coat and he was wearing short sleeves.
"You have no idea what you're talking about. You wouldn't understand if I spelled it out for you. If you want to believe I'm emo and tried to do myself in then fine. I don't care what you think. You don't care about me. I don't give a fuck." Instead of his anger showing as anger it showed as tears and sadness. Well, more tears and sadness than already being exuded by the boy.
"So tell me. If you didn't kill yourself in soul and make an attempt in body, then what happened. Because this one is black and white. Attempted suicide or not." Snape sat down by Lupin, legs drawn up, chin on knees the way any hyper child does when it knows it needs to stay in control if it wants to learn something very important. Severus couldn't contemplate why he was still here. He was a Slytherin threw and threw even if his housemates hated him. He should be using this knowledge to torment the cowering teen in front of him. He should use it to extort protection from Black and Potter. They would do anything to keep it under wraps that their personal bookworm got a some more than paper cuts in his many outlets. And yet Severus sat and tried to not make the poor child suffer anymore than he already was. Severus was beginning to think that he should visit the hospital wing because him not using this meant he was very sick indeed.
Remus closed his and tried to envision himself anywhere else. He felt Snape's eyes on him and flinched form the judging vibe that rolled off of him in waves. It was my parents." Snape didn't know what to say. He thought that surely the boy was being overdramatic. It was clearly just a metaphor. His parents made him want to die therefore it was their fault he tried.
"Parents are rough. I'm sure they're better now." Again Severus had no idea why he was trying to help. No one helped him. He was desperately trying to convince himself that he just wanted more information. The longer Lupin talked the more there was to use against him.
Remus looked down trodden. Snape knew his biggest secret and didn't believe him He just wrapped his arms around his knees and sobbed, sinking lower than he would have thought possible half an hour ago.
Life had been unkind to Remus. Maybe even more so than Severus. And Severus, though not causing intentional pain at the moment wasn't helping, at all. Not in any way.
"Explain it to me," sad Severus. He didn't really care. He just wanted him to stop crying. Snape hated tears. Tears always reminded him of his mother. He did what he did back when his mother cried all the time. He approached Lupin slowly and then held the wizard.
Two peers who loathed each other. It was actually almost sweet. A third party who knew both of them, or even just what houses they were in would believe that meds had been forgotten before they would believe that this was actually occurring.
Remus stopped crying when he felt the arms surround him He jumped when one hand slid along his wrist. In a flash he was against the opposite wall, cradled even tighter in his own limbs than before.
"Tell me you didn't mean it, Severus." Snape didn't know what he meant. Maybe he had been a little more feeling than most knew him capable of but he had done nothing outwardly wrong. Unless Lupin had used legimency and read Snape's thoughts of selling this secret for all he could get.
"Didn't mean what? And since when do am I Severus to you? Its usually Snivellus." He was being vile. The remembrance of his mother was set aside for the moment. His own words brought up hate filled memories and Severus decided to taunt this soul and mocking himself in the process. "Last I checked it was Snivellus, or do you prefer Snivelly?" Remus flinched at each of the nick names, the cutting words making him feel like more of a monster than usual.
Some part of Snape saw this as wrong, but another bigger part could forget the little voice and focus on the hate. How could the little voice expect him to help when he hated?
I got one review. I don't mind one review. But I want to let you know how much a review means to me and all writers. I checked my status at 12 at night and saw that someone reviewed. I was like "wow" someone liked it. So I stayed up until now finishing this chapter, Im all out of chapters that are prewritten and I need support if you guys think its worth continuing. I dont wanna be that person so, if it bugs you, just ignore my little rant. Its cool. I'll still write any ways. It'd just be nice to continue to get feed back.