Hey. I sat down to write some fluff and this happened so I guess it was just meant to be. Im not so sure about it so I'll take any feedback you got.
Chapter Sixteen
Severus sat in the Room of Requirements that night. He couldn't sleep for worry. He knew the Slytherins were plotting something. Coming after Remus in the worst way possible. And yet in an hour's time alone with him he hadn't said a word of it. He couldn't live with the guilt if they had seized him. He didn't know what they had planned. Didn't want to.
In the Slytherin world the more pain you could cause others the less pain others felt you deserved. Thus the Slytherins weren't the most popular in the school. The most ruthless have few friends, having hurt them all at some point in the sick and twisted saga of Slytherin life. The truly good, the kind and generous, fuck it. He laughed at that thought. There were no kind in Slytherin. The kind were put in other houses. The purebloods with souls were placed in Ravenclaw. It held almost the same honor as the noble house of Slytherin without the soul crushing, heart rending hate that harbors in the murky social circles of the dungeon.
Severus had never belonged there. He may have been to selfish for Gryffindor but his heart couldn't have been as black as the Blacks. He had done nothing to make the hat place him in the pit of venomous snakes he had been thrust in as little more than a child. He had often wondered not just why he had been placed in this house filled with hate but what would have been different if he hadn't have been put in with the poison of the pureblood spawn. It was airborne and just eating with them had been enough to taint him in the eyes of the school, at least those that would have looked upon him in the first place.
He often wished he could ask the sorting hat why. If it had been so terrible for him to be placed here why had it happened. Had the hat wanted his pain. Relished as others before and after in the suffering of Severus Snape. Mr. Snape had always loved it. And now Voldemort enjoyed the suffering of all, and though he didn't support the beatings he faced, he suffered it for 'the greater good.'
And Dumbledore was no better. A sixth year. Barely sixteen sent as a spy into the most dangerous place there is. This was the type of assignment where mothers, were they alive to speak, would say, 'That's far too dangerous. Cant he just go train a Hungarian Horntail in its stead?' But he had no mom. He knew nothing beyond this, and he had decided that that hat must have been out to get him too, from the beginning of career here. The sorting hat had doomed him to the life he lived and everyone who still lived to care for him allowed the suffering to continue. Except Remus.
Remus had stood up for him. He had never done anything to help Remus. He had lumped him in with the others. And yet the secret workings in his life clearly could have erred far worse than they had were it not for his guidance and protection. The sun was rising through the window that this most magical rooms had made of its own volition. Had Remus had a hand in his discovery of this safe haven? At this point in this tale, already damned beyond measure or guess, it was beyond him to doubt anything of anyone.
He had no sense at this point, made no sense to his inside the confines of his own mind. No sleep and riddled with guilt for the possible torture of the only person he could even pretend was on his side. It might end in disaster but this friendship would be worth annihilation, just to know what it felt like to not have to hate everyone. He didn't hate Lily, but she always expected him to watch every word that he uttered. It was too much work for someone who had to control their thoughts, on fear of death for himself and 'his friends', for long portions of the time that his eyes were open.
The concept of watching anything go by anymore was unbearable. He sat and watched his whole life. It was a terrible choice between the risk of death or the death born of the lack of living. He had watched Lily drift away to the side of James. She still laughed and talked to Severus, but she would leave if he mentioned anything deeper than his hate of the potions homework. He didn't mind. He didn't care at this point. James was a giant douche as far as he was, had been, concerned. He cared what happened to Lily of course. They had gone through this all together, and until the end of last year she had been the closest to real family he had ever had. The fact that she was slowly being stolen by 'the family,' as Remus had so aptly put it, would have killed his will to go on if it had happened earlier. He had fortified his heart the moment he signed on with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. He felt, but he could ignore. It wouldn't hurt in the same way if she would just tell him. She hadn't said a real word to him all year. They had talked but nothing had been said.
It stung like a hive of bees. Knowing that one day, sooner than later, she wouldn't come back. She would never look back to the halfblood who had tried his best to help her acclimate in the wizarding world. She would forget how she had cried on his shoulder when Petunia had called her a freak. She would forget.
She would forget the day before second year when his dad had hit him extra hard before Severus left to meet her at the park. That day the sun had shone brilliantly. It was filled with the sounds of the wind and the bugs. The birds had chirped a chipper song and when the wind blew just right the old and rusty swings would rattle and call to the twelve year olds laying side by side on the hill. She wouldn't remember how he had begged and pleaded her to go play. She might let her mind be slowly warped by the marauders until she saw him as an eternal burden who on that day had not let her leave his side. He almost hoped she would forget so that the memory wouldn't be twisted t be a thing that reminded her of hate. Laying in bed o the morning after the meeting he hoped she wouldn't remember.
Wouldn't remember the way the sun had made them both to hot. The way he had told her to go inside. It was to hot for a pretty ginger to be out in the sun all day. She had laughed and brushed it off. She had said that if he were staying then so was she. He hoped she would forget how unfair that had been. If him leaving would have prevented her sunburn that day he would have gone. He couldn't stand. He tried to play it off. He wanted her to inside. He wanted to deal with this alone. She had said that he would either get up and walk her home, or suffer her company. She had known. She hadn't wanted to admit it, knowing he didn't want her to know, but she had known. She would hopefully forget that. If Merlin was merciful she would forget the memories of the days he couldn't stand, if only so that the others couldn't use it against him.
He hoped more for her than for himself though. He hoped she would forget that day, and all of their days of glory. He hoped she would forget so that she would never suffer pain for leaving him behind. She wouldn't mind if she grew to regret him, their friendship. If she grew to hate and scorn him, he would be fine. Happy even. But if she grew to regret happiness because of that day he would never forgive himself.
Potter couldn't be that bad, if Lily liked him enough to trade him up. He had to be a stand up guy. Severus didn't blame him, much as he would like to hate him. Potter would be upset if Lily regretted anything. He would blame himself, where Severus couldn't. Remus would suffer. The whole 'family' would suffer if she remembered, that day especially.
She couldn't remember that moment, when the clouds had parted and reveled to Severus' eyes the extant of her sunburn. Her whole bay was red and angry. It looked like she would have to hospitalized. for a long time. "Silly Lily," he had said. He tried to sound angry. He was angry. But the gesture was too nice for his young, underdeveloped mind to scold. She was the first person, beside his mother, to go to any trouble for him. She had tried to look scolded, and had failed as badly as he had.
"Severus, what else was I to do? I didn't leave you alone now, and I will never leave you alone, for as long as you need me." it had been one of those moments, where young people say profound things. Severus would have been proud, yet something wasn't right. Then the trees began to blow and the air hung with the magic of her accidental spell. Severus hadn't understood the repercussions then but he knew them now.
As long as Lily thought he needed her, she wasn't allowed to move on. She didn't know of the spell, and for her to understand what it meant she would ask for proof and where the proof had come from. She was too smart to buy into the concept of 'the library' as an avoidance answer. She wouldn't be able to move on without convincing that he didn't need her. His knowing the spell linked him to broader magic than the halls of Hogwarts taught. He would have to tell her and risk the safety of the world.
All he had to do was convince her that he was too old to need her help and the world would get to keep spinning. He just had to figure out how to do that without risking the world again.
He had decided to tell her he didn't need her, and if she took it as a plea for help he would use the word he hated most, and she would leave. She would move on and be happy. Be happy as long as she forgot. So for him and her and the marauders he hoped she forgot. And for the rest of the word, he would have to convince her to forget. It was one of his many missions that he would easily trade for death.
Like I say every time I love you guys no matter what, but this one is a sore spot for me. I would like reviews more than ever and I wouldnt care if you hated on the story. Itd just be nice to know I made an impression to more of you than just the (awesome) people who review all the time.