Hey guys. I got an update in after all. I dont know when I'll be able to get on next but I hope you guys like this one, because I kind of love it. Like not just a little but a lot. So enjoy. Oh and just for the heck of it everybody do the happy dance cuz we should be over fourty thousand. I dont see any happy feet.
Chapter Seventeen
Severus walked slowly into the great hall to begin his day. It was early which meant that no one would be there. Or at least that no one should be there. He sat down and when he looked up not ten seconds later there was someone sitting across from him at the supposedly empty table.
A red head of hair was hanging around a face of white skin. It was Lily. Severus was thrilled, and then depressed because of what he had to do. He had to be blunt without telling her anything. This would be hell and the people who looked down on him would slowly file in around him, watching and hurting him whenever presented with the opportunity. "Lily," He said coolly, hiding the pain he felt and the fear that held him in its terrible maw. He hated life in this moment, feeling both the sting of abandonment and the sharp stab of being the one to finally walk out on their failing friendship. This table was hell.
Of course this table couldn't take all the blame. His life had a shocking propensity for imitating hell. Hell was relative. And he would chose Voldemort over telling Lily to back off.
"Hey, Sev. What's up?" She was acting like nothing was wrong. In her mind nothing was wrong. But it was and is wrong. On so many levels. He tried to ignore her. That's what he would do if he was hurt because if her. That's how he would have to act to sell this to her. It would be tough but to convince her that she wasn't wanted would be easier if he played it consistent. Easier in hell. Was that possible? He had been sure he was in the worst hell possible. "I'm sorry Severus. I have missed you. Don't play that game." She tried to distract hi from the toast he was so focused on. She tried to take it away. He wasn't going to give in. It was for the best.
"I know you're mad but you've never done this before. Don't shut me out. I'll be back." He looked up at that. The Slytherins were around in droves. If she left and came back they would target her. Lucius Malfoy would be all over her. He'd want to be all over her.
"Don't. Its not worth it. Just don't." The words stung like bees on the way up his throat and once out of his mouth it took everything he had not to tell her how terribly sorry he was. He wanted so badly to explain to her that he didn't mean it. It took the most effort he had ever expended on any one task just to hold his head up as she stormed away. He waited until she was out of the door, most likely until the fearsome foursome made their grand entrance.
Once she was gone his muscles fell. His head dropped forward to droop on the table. He had no more will or power to eat. It was over an hour before classes started and yet he felt he had been working all day. He hadn't slept and coupled with the trials and tribulations of yesterday, he just had a feeling. He psychically new that today would be the longest day of his life to date, and for many years ahead
His head was peeled from the table by a strong, fair hand and he was loath to admit it was his fault. He shouldn't have made the sick and twisted, halfcocked prediction. Someone was clearly trying to prove him right just seconds after the thought accord. The hand continued to pull 'til his feet were flat and his body was off of the bench. He didn't bother to see who it was dragging him away. It wouldn't matter. He didn't care enough to do anything to stop whoever it was whatever they decided to do. If they tried to Kill him he would probably help. Anything to not have to face his redheaded former best friend. He had been beaten down by many, including her, but he had a hard time being cruel to those who showed him kindness. Kindness was so scarce in his world it even applied long after the kindness had fermented. His Lily was just a memory. The real girl made him sad the same way remembering his mom did. It was like a sick joke played by fate, to remind him of what had been by torturing him with what was.
The hand, or the hand's owner, could clearly tell that he wasn't eliciting any response because the hand that was twined in the dark locks tightened, pulling at the hair. Severus refused to make a noise so once the pair was out into the fresh morning air the hand released its hold because tearing up Snape's scalp would do nothing and it wasn't bringing him the pleasure he had hoped for. It actually riled him with guilt in a way he hadn't been forced to feel in a long time.
Severus, had he cared what happened to him on this fair morning, would have whipped around, wand drawn, and cast a strong stunning spell. Instead he just continued to walk out towards a nearby tree. He hoped to goad the potential attacker into causing him harm. He felt he deserved harm. And harm would be a good excuse to wait much longer to pull the trigger on a friendship doomed to fail anyway.
He slumped down against the tree stump. He meant to taunt the perpetrator into killing him. That would be a nice reason to not be a death eater anymore. He wouldn't have to hurt Lily. He wouldn't have to watch Potter hold lily in his arms. wouldn't have to watch Lily ignore him anymore.
He wouldn't have to be a burden to Remus anymore. He didn't know when tat had become a reason, or where that thought came from, but it was real. He could tell the Remus dealt with lots of shit. He had to with the people he hung around with. He had to as a teenage werewolf. He had to as a brainiac in a house filled with lazy people he called friends. And yet this overtaxed peer had spent, what Severus assumed was, a very large portion of his twenty-four hours a day worried about a certain greasy dungeon bat. He didn't deserve that kind of care. He, thus, wouldn't mind the assailant's attack. It was for the best.
Lucius Malfoy stared at him. His eyes tried to bore through Snape's skull and see the thoughts inside head covered in silky hair. "Hello Severus." Lucius moved over to the tree trunk. They both gazed out at the rising sun, neither glancing at the other. "I've been meaning to talk to you. So glad we just ran into each other out here."
Lucius slid down, right next to Severus, shoulders touching. This would be the longest day in the history of wizards. "I'm glad that one like yourself would choose to talk with me." Severus was trying to be snide, everyone in Slytherin knew Malfoy's penchant for both women and men. Unfortunately Malfoy was pretty caught up on Snape and his less than main stream desires.
"Oh Severus," Malfoy chuckled out in an overtly threatening way. "I was meaning to talk to you about a certain little Gryffindor." Malfoy wrapped an arm around the brunette's shoulders because at the mention of Gryffindor Snape had tried to run. "Not that delectable ginger you used to be so close with. I've moved on to bigger and blonder things." Severus tried to break free. He had had this conversation about Lily. He wouldn't help Malfoy bed anyone. Not Lily and definitely not Remus.
"I don't know what you mean." Severus tried to wriggle from his grasp. He only succeeded in getting further ensnared. Malfoy leant in really close to Severus, breath on his pale neck. He inhaled deeply.
"You smell lovely. Do keep squirming. It feels lovely right there." Lucius pulled Snape back even farther and Severus could feel Lucius' erection. "If you keep that up, you pretty dark haired minx, I might not need your friend after all."
Severus was disgusted. "I have no clue who you mean, Malfoy." Severus fought his body's instinct to struggle. He wouldn't give Malfoy the pleasure, quite literally.
"You've stopped struggling," the arms tightened, "I don't know if that's a good thing or not." He ground his lower body against Severus. "I would like to know what's going on with that little bookworm. I've had my eye on him for a while and you wont be running off with him. If you want to play with him, you'll have to share on my terms because we both know that I, as a Malfoy, will not let you win him. Your cute to think you stop it though." Lucius bit the long, exposed neck before him.
:I don't understand what you mean by that Lucius. Who do you mean?" Severus knew who it was and knew it would be better for both of them if he played dumb on this one. It might save both their skins.
"I want to pound your potions partner. I want to fuck your new found friend." Lucius leant right up by the pale ear. "I want to slam him down to the ground and have my way with him. I will have Remus Lupin." Lucius pulled the earlobe into his mouth.
Severus couldn't fight his body's urging. He squirmed and felt the cock at his back swell even more. "I'd like to have you too, my little sweet. You and him would make such a pair." At this Severus' breath caught because he had already thought of that one. "Do you want him too? That makes this so much more hot." Lucius moaned and then pushed Severus away.
The blonde stood and offered a hand to Severus, who denied. "I'll see you later, love." He sneered the last word, making the endearment a threat. The blonde walked of slowly, proud despite the fact that he had gained nothing. He took pride in intimidation of any kind and cared little for why he did any of it.
Severus just leaned back. He would tell Remus today. Warn him of the dangers that were after him. He would try his best to protect the sandy blonde, the one person to show him kindness for nothing in a really long time.
The sun continued to rise and with it the noise from the castle rose, as slowly other students woke and left their dorms. Severus didn't care. Who did he have to see? Nobody that's who. His day would continue in this manner until he finally slept and maybe then at least this day of hell would end.
The warmth of the sun relieved some of his tension, earned from his encounter with Malfoy. Nothing did anything for his foreboding and he decided he needed to do something. His work for the day was done, but he could go to the library anyway. He could research his assignment from Voldemort. The Dark Lord was being lenient on his favorite follower but it would only last so long.
The steps were slow, too ambivalent on the day to through himself into continuing it. He liked the library. There was a sort of safety there. He just hoped it would protect him from others, and himself, just long enough to make it to his first class. That's all he asked.
The book he had went into great detail on some aspects of the brewing, but he wanted more general knowledge, because he knew the ingredient list was wrong, and he needed to know enough to fix it. He went to a familiar section, right by the restricted section. He didn't hop the barrier this time, didn't have to. The books he needed just sat there. He took two, he had almost an hour to kill and plenty to learn.
He made his way to the table in the back, by a window that looked out onto the garden. It was also closed in on three sides and he could sooth both his craving for a view and the instincts for safety and escape plans.
The books were riveting and he kept his head buried for an uncountable time, at least he couldn't tell how long. He felt a chair shift across from him and jumped. He didn't need another visitor. He'd had two already, both unwelcome for different reasons. He saw a shaggy blonde mop covering a bright, alert face. He saw amber eyes. Those eyes, so intense, bore into his own. He had to fight to stay here, to stay now. The past was welcoming. A picnic blanket just yesterday. The improbable future, a body writhing against his own, gasping his name, pulled at his mind with more fervor. It only abated with the rationalization that he was more likely to get that body against him if he acknowledged the mind within it.
"How nice to see you, Remus. No, I don't mind if you have a seat. No I wasn't busy." He had meant to say something closer to stay safe. He yearned to tell the boy across from him that if anything happened to him he would die. He wanted to tell the Gryffindor to never leave his side.
"I'm glad, Severus. Looks like you didn't sleep much. Want to talk about it?" Remus meant it. His eyes couldn't leave the dark, purplish circles beneath the other set of eyes. He wanted to run a hand through his hair and tell him not to worry. It would be ok. Remus would see to that. He always did. But Remus didn't want to offend Severus. He could care for himself.
"I don't need to talk to you." Severus didn't mean to be so harsh, but today sucked. It had seemed, to his already agitated brain, that Remus felt he needed to talk about feelings or fall into madness. He was already mad. Nothing to be done about that. He felt like laughing, just to see what would happen. He never laughed and now would be an interesting time to start.
"I didn't mean it like that. I just want you to know that I will be here for you if you need me," Remus looked at Severus with love, a feeling rarely shared with the Slytherin outcast.
"I don't need you. I'm not some fucking charity case. I'm not going to run up to you and make you sit there while I tell you all of my troubles. I will never be the type to need someone to coddle me." Severus wasn't sure who he was talking to near the end. It could have been Remus, but he felt the need to convince himself.
"I know you don't need me." Remus stood up and Severus feared he was leaving. He didn't want to be babied but he didn't want to be left alone. Severus was just about to say something when Remus turned and made it clear he was just walking around the table. "I know you don't need to be coddled. I don't see you as a charity case." Remus tried to read Severus' eyes. Seeing how he was being received. If his speech mattered. Remus sat in the chair next to Severus, right on the very edge so that he could reach out and put a comforting hand on his shoulder. "I just want to be your friend."
Severus felt himself crumble. He hadn't realized it until now but he had been counting on the Gryffindor to want more, to want what he wanted. A friend was nice but he had so wanted more. "I," Severus went to start, but didn't get very far. He had nothing to say and he looked away. He knew well that he was to pale to hide a blush and he didn't need one of his few supporters to see him in this state. He turned to lookout the window, feeling vulnerable despite his confidence that Remus had his back.
"Severus," Remus said, quite, almost a whisper. Remus tried to think of what could have made the raven haired boy before him withdraw so completely. What had he said to trigger it? The last thing he had said had been 'I just want to be your friend.' That would have stung Remus if Severus had said it. But it would only sting if Severus wanted more than a friend. Did he? "Sev, look at me, please?" He needed to see those dark eyes. That had to be the missing piece of the puzzle. If he didn't find the answer in those eyes the answer wasn't worth finding.
Severus turned. He hoped the heat had left his cheeks. He couldn't tell. He was too numb to have much hope of it. "What, Remus?" His voice was brusque, trying to hid the pain behind rudeness. It had worked before. Remus and Severus' eyes locked for an indefinable amount of time. It wasn't like time stood still, it was racing and frozen at the same time.
Remus saw the answer to the universe in those eyes. Dark and lonely, yet lit with a hidden fire that drove Remus mad. He wanted to always see the light in the pair of dark eyes. He wanted to erase the loneliness, replace it with a family, if the family would take him. "You're almost beautiful." Remus was leaning in slowly, and thought Severus wanted this more than he could explain, he couldn't move. "But when you smile," Remus touched his lips delicately to a smooth cheek, were the fading blush was back with a vengeance. "When you smile you are beautiful. Like magic." And Remus' lips brushed over the paler lips. He hoped he had read Severus right. If not this stillness was the calm before the spy killed him.
He pulled back, opening his eyes, not remembering having closed them. He held his breath as he searched Severus' face for any sign of response. The dark eyes were closed, the face far away, unreadable. "I'm so sorry, Severus. I'll do whatever I can to make it up to you I just couldn't help myself."
Severus' eyes opened, still heavily lidded. He gazed at Remus coolly, using every single second he had ever pretended anything while a spy to keep his expression from turning adoring or his speech mushy. "If you're so sorry, then I should decide what you do to make it, right?" A falsely light voice asked. A delicate eyebrow shot up to Remus' hairline, yet he nodded just the same. "Then make up for stopping by getting back over here." Severus, instead of waiting for Remus to process and then lean back in, grabbed the hair at the back of Remus' neck and pulled the lips down to his own. He ran a less than skilled tongue along Remus' bottom lip, trying to taste as much of this delightful being as he could. It was like chocolate. The boy had just eaten breakfast yet all he could taste was chocolate.
Remus opened his mouth, admitting Severus' tongue into his mouth, relishing the feeling when the two tongues met. It was like electricity.
Severus was lost in a world where all that existed was this mouth. He could spend a life time kissing Remus and not notice a second go by. Severus had never been a big fan of chocolate, but he found he could learn to love it. He could taste chocolate till the day he died.
Come on and review. Its not so bloody hard. I wrote all night and I'm leaving in the morning and you guys can review, and although I'll still love you if you dont review, I wont liek you to terribly much.