Hmmm, so you know how I said I would update soon… well I'm so very, completely, utterly sorry about that. And I know, I know, I must not tell lies. The writer's block got me. Forgive me?

Disclaimer – For the last time I do not own Bleach! If I did I would make Hitsugaya invest in some platform shoes or something

Byakuya fainted. Can you really blame him? It had been an extremely long, tiring day, and having his naked body plastered across the entire office, in front of his fellow peers and underlings, was really the icing on the cake. And as every single head in the office turned to stare at him, Byakuya decided that escaping reality for a bit may not be the worst thing in the world. As his elegant body folded like a cheap hooker who got hit in the stomach by a fat guy with sores on his face*, the clear protective barrier exploded, coating everyone in the office with a transparent gloopy plasma, reminiscent of snot (or the river of slime in Ghostbuster's II).

'What the hell is this shit?'

'My hair! My beautiful hair! Oh my God! My beauty is compromised! Abort! ABORT!'

'Wheeee cue ball got covered in snot, let me wash it off, BWAHAHAHA'

'Get away from me you brat! Is that your spit?'

And that was just the reaction from the 11th Company.

People ran around, arms flailing insanely in the air; a group of at least ten men and women were leaning on every available surface, breathing heavily and cheeks flushed at the image of Byakuya naked (Renji collapsed from blood loss as the entire 9 pints in his tall body seemingly poured out in the mother of all nosebleeds). It was chaos. The last time there had been this much noise and broken fists in the Seireitei was when the new Twilight film came out. Something had to be done.

Then it was. Yamamoto unleashed his zanpakutō (no innuendo intended) and flames filled the office. The once pristine wallpaper peeled at the edges and a beautiful orange glow filled the room, the flames dancing playfully in the stifling air. All the Shinigami (even those who had fainted) managed to make their way out of the room – no doubt helped by the numerous fire exits that had been newly created. In the cool afternoon breeze people could finally breathe again, and slowly all the foggy Soul Reaper brains began to clear. And they found they were not saying their innermost thoughts – a relief I'm sure. Whoops of euphoria filled the air, not without the occasional curse word every now and again. Sake was poured, clothes were removed and tears were shed. Particularly by Mayuri, who knelt on the floor crying as Nemu tentatively stroked his gelled hair.

'My research subject! He's gone!'

Rangiku whipped her hair back (and forth) – her Captain! Crap! She forgot about him again! She was the worst Lieutenant in the world. Pushing her way through the bustling crowds, she ran towards Byakuya's no-longer-an-office thing. Her captain was curled back into the fetal position, and luckily it seemed like his survival instinct had kicked in; whilst the fire still raged on, his body was covered in a thick icy shell. Wrapping her arms around him, she lifted up the snowball and carried it outside, making sure to put him down out of Mayuri's viewpoint. Now Rangiku was pretty smart – not quite on the level of Urahara and the others, but even she knew that she had to defrost him – can Shinigami get hyperthermia? Apparently they can get tuberculosis so let's assume so. She had several options; she could run inside and grab some flaming wood, then try and warm him up… but there was the possibility she could burn him, and besides, she didn't want to mess up her hair. She could run and grab some blankets for him, or maybe some tinfoil? That is what they use on humans right? But then she would have to leave him alone, at the mercy of Mayuri… There was no other way. Grabbing Toshiro firmly, she wedged him inside her cleavage, and then proceeded to do a forced motorboat – shaking him frantically from side to side in order to create friction and warm him up.

And that was the first thing Toshiro saw when he woke up. His first thought was 'WHAT THE HELL?' followed promptly with the realization that he was going to die of asphyxiation (suffocation) if he didn't get out soon. Yanking back in panic he ended up sprawled on the ground, panting for breath and hair mussed up adorably. Apart from looking thoroughly shocked, he seemed to have reverted to having rational thought – if being ridiculously angry counted as rational thought. Rangiku's initial glee shrunk, and she slowly started backing away, realizing that her Captain probably wouldn't be too happy about her unorthodox way of awaking him. But that wasn't really why her Toshiro was furious – he was far too used to Rangiku's breasts. No, he was remembering her dream, in which he was dressed as a bunny. Reaching for his zanpakutō, he started crawling towards Rangiku, not being very dignified but being scary enough that Matsumoto didn't care. His eyebrows furrowed heavily, he stood up and swung his sword to his side, ready to chop off several appendages, probably starting with the breasts. However before he had the chance, he was punched in the face by the most unlikely of people – and in fact, the one who had suffered the most at the hands of his adventure.

Byakuya, shaking with barely controlled anger, moved his closed fist back to his side. He was the most elegant, poised, emotionally withdrawn Shinigami in the entire Seireitei, and even he could not face what had happened to him today. His hair was everywhere, Kenseikan long gone, shihakusho torn, eyebrows burnt off, and he was humiliated beyond belief. Turning his back on the short Captain, he walked slowly towards his division, completely bypassing his ruined office and heading straight to his mansion, ready for a long bath and years of therapy. Toshiro lay on the ground, nose bleeding, shocked at the normally composed Kuchiki attempting to break his face – and also trying to adapt to the recently returned image of him being Zeus.

Around him fistfights started in earnest, the only happy person being Mayuri, who was thoroughly pleased with how his experiment had turned out. Oh, people would be talking about this for years alright.

Okay, so this is a ridiculously short chapter, but like I said, writers block! Plus I have been extremely busy… yeah sorry lame excuses. It's kind of a crappy way to finish it all off, but I didn't want to just leave it there without an ending, so there you go. Think of it as a Christmas present, from me to you. In return you could maybe leave me a review..? You know - Christmas spirit and all that jazz.

Thank you for reading, and congrats on finishing this hefty beast of a story, you, my friend, have will power.

*Oh, and if you got the friends reference, take 20 points for Slytherin