AN: Isn't it amazing what insomnia can do? If this doesn't make any sense I blame it on the fact I literally didn't get a second of sleep last night. Fun times. Anyway, this is for Kris who has been waiting for this for a hell of a long time and wanted something sad. I hope it's just not too out there.

EIGHT

'I killed your friends.'

Mal looked up. He had been sitting in the cock-pit, reading a paper-back novel with a spine so bent, that the fact it still held together defied the laws of physics. It was night. Well, everyone else was asleep anyway. Off-world that was the closest it got to night. The ship was on auto-pilot and perfectly safe – as safe as Serenity got anyway – but Mal still enjoyed sitting in his cock-pit and making sure everything was ticking over smoothly. Call him sentimental. Call him soft. Call him paranoid.

'What?'

River stood before him, in a summer dress that came down to her knees. Was she just trying to look impossibly innocent, now? You couldn't trust people who looked too innocent. They were always the ones that would end up cutting your throat.

'I killed your friends. I'm sorry. I didn't want them to die.'

The words River was saying suddenly made bright, violent sense. Mal leapt up. His head was screeching. He had known that River was unstable when he let her and Simon stay aboard. He had known the alliance had cut into her brain so many times that she was the homicidal kind of kooky. He had known. And he had let her stay.

Damn it, he had let her stay!

He ran to the life support screen and grabbed the edge, tilting it towards him so he could read.

All systems normal.

All the crew's readings were present and accounted for. Every single one of the stats correlated with that of a normal sleeping person. Well, except for Walsh and Zoe's. Their stats correlated with the stats of people in the middle of intense physical activity. You see? This was the reason Mal avoided the life support stats. There were some things a Captain didn't need to know.

Mal turned back to River. Her expression hadn't changed.

'What the hell is wrong with you?' Mal bellowed before he could stop himself.

'The alliance stripped my Amygdala...'

'Yeah I got the medical clap-trap from your brother after the little spat we had on Ariel, however I was specifically referring to your confession of mass-slaughter thirty seconds ago.' The rational part of his brain was telling him that looming over a 70 pound girl wasn't on, no matter the context, but said rational part was being drowned out by all the other parts that were still pumped full of terror adrenalin. 'Why would you go about saying you killed my crew...'

'I didn't mean your crew.' said River. 'I meant the others.'

'What others?'

'Bendis. Smith. Rollins. Morse. Elba. Butler. Vitelli…'

Mal took a step back and watched as River listed off name after name in a creepy monotone. Names in all rights she shouldn't even know. These were the names of independence that he had fought with during the Unification war.

It was the list of the dead.

'Whoa, whoa, stop it, cut it out.' said Mal stemming the stream of names that were bursting from River. Weren't the drugs the Doc had got off Ariel meant to be putting a halt to the girl's crazy? River wrapped her arms around her waist and looked up at him like a child waiting for a well deserved punishment.

'I said something I wasn't meant to.' she said slowly.

'Damn right, you did.' said Mal, although he wasn't sure whether he was referring to how she had made him think she had killed all of Serenity, or whether it was by pulling a list of dead comrades out of thin air. 'Where did you hear those names? Was Zoe talking about them?' This didn't seem likely. Zoe was less likely to talk about their army days than he was, and if she did, it would be to him.

'No. They float around you. Will-o'-the-wisps and sobs. They're all through Serenity staining the hull. They were lost but then you built them a home in your ship. They're traffic-lights on fire.'

Mal looked around the corner of the cockpit. 'Well that is an interesting interpretation of events. Simon! What do you say we find that brother of yours and you can tell him all your clever little notions? Simon! Nǐ zài nǎlǐ, nín Hùndàn? (i)

Mal looked back at River only to find her head ducked behind her long hair.

Was she crying?

Oh gossa. She was crying.

Why the hell was she doing that? He was the one who was told in the middle of the night that everyone had been massacred. He was the one that should be crying. There was no way in the 'verse he was going to but it was more his right over hers, and he resented that she took the liberty.

'Whoa there, er, girly.' said the Captain lifting his hands. He moved to pat her head or stroke her shoulder or something, but he couldn't bring himself to touch the sobbing girl. Mal wasn't built for comforting. He had tried it once and he wasn't good at it at all. The comfortee had ended up shooting himself. I he didn't think the Doc would appreciate that outcome, in this particular circumstance. Mal ended up just letting his hands hover near her as though that was the same as physically touching her. 'No need to cry. Everyone's fine. You didn't kill anyone. It was a bad dream or something.'

'They all died here. Because of me. They'll never leave the valley of the shadow. Never leave Serenity.'

Mal crossed his arms. 'You're talking about the people you listed. Just so we're clear. You haven't gone and stabbed anyone on my ship, or nothing.'

'No. Not since Jayne.'

'Good.' Mall stopped. 'Well not the stabbing Jayne part but… You didn't kill anyone then. I'm not sure how your brain got so muddled but you never knew anyone from my old company. There's Zoe and a few others, but the people you listed were all deep in the ground years before you got on this boat. You didn't kill anyone.'

'They died because of me.'

'No they didn't.'

'Yes they did!' River yelled. 'Like a patient etherized upon a table it's impossible to say exactly what I mean!' Mal backed away.

'Okay. Fine. You obviously need to get this off your chest and you're going to stand there crying and making me feel awkward until you get it out.' He sat down on the cock-pit's chair and crossed his arms. 'Proceed. Only with a little less crazy, if that be at all possible.'

River looked around the cockpit as though the words she needed were written on the walls. She twisted strains of her hair between her fingers and tried to articulate herself again.

'They tried to stop the invasion.' River tapped her head. 'You desultory Brigade. They stood against the black celestial landscape. Made urgent backtalk. Thundered against their synthetic liquid, mind-twisting and bruised ceremony. It was all invisible and toxic but it was on the verge of engulfing. You knew it. You and your stubborn flames. Your comrades chose your wicked army, flung comfort far and were reward by colouring future joy mislaid behind dry drowned winter earth.'

Mal leaned back, his mouth slightly opened and his eyebrows furrowed. The girl continued.

'Normally society dictates that they would receive glory and relief hence. Not here. These burned-men wrought by wild desire had tried to stop neutrality and pattern. There names must be lost and spat out. And because they are gone the girl can be subject to sheer battery beneath the stony, forgetful, marble ceiling. Unstoppered. Broken. Possession.' River looked at Mal from beneath her hair. 'But your men tried. I know. And I'm sorry they died for me.'

Mal blinked a couple of times and then lent turned to the cockpit.

'I have no idea what you just said, little girl. How about you run off and find that brother of yours.'

River nodded and walked to the doorway that led to the hall. But not before looking over her shoulder and saying, 'Liar.'

Footnotes.

i Where are you, you asshole.