CHAPTER FIVE: THE TORTURED SOUL OF A VAMPIRE SUPER-SAIYAN
Ebony and Edward lay in a post coital haze, stroking each other's luscious, flaxen armpit hair, braided into tiny cornrows.
"That was so salty," said Ebony. "You make a mean egg casserole." She said coyly.
"Yeah, because I love to beat yolks." He said with a sumptuous waggling of his painted eyebrows. She reached over his quivering form and planted several "kurly" kisses on his crispy nostrils.
"Do you wanna," he exhaled his morning breath, which smelled like a diaper covered in yak pee and set on fire, into Ebony's hair. "Do you wanna go get some Chicken McNuggets?"
"They don't sell them this early," said Ebony, burrowing into Edward's misshapen, despondent armpit.
"Turd crepe," said Edward in a clipped tone, "Are you saying I can't have my fucking Chicken McNuggegts?"
"What-" Ebony started but Edward cut her off.
"DON'T MAKE ME ASSUME MY ULTIMATE FORM!" yelled Edward. Molten lava trickled from his irises, and flakes of moist dandruff began to bleed from the capillaries in his nose. His golden brown tresses inflamed into a mane of brimstone and hellfire that had been shat from the crack of Satan himself. His fists morphed into bombs, and his damp breasts began lactating battery acid. A splintering noise, like the ripping of metal arose through the roar of the fire; the helmet that had once barred his innermost secrets from the world had crumbled away in a cascade of freedom and tears.
"SUPER SAIYAN!" he roared as he was encompassed by a noxious green algae cloud.
"Edward!" shrieked Ebony. Her lover began to advance, blind to everything but the image of Chicken McNuggets in his mind. He grabbed her pale, limp, "wravioli" wrist and jerked her towards his shirt, which was now soggy with battery acid because he had forgotten to put on his uranium bra this morning.
Suddenly, a brick crashed through the window and shattered the bones in Edward's hair. He moaned in blinding pain, clutching his broken hair in his fist-bombs and slowly reverting to his natural shape.
"Ebony?" he looked up at her with golden eyes oozing great tears of liquid nitrogen, "Oh, God, did I hurt you?"
He hid his face and began to weep, "I am a monster," his great cries shaking the floor of Mike's bedroom.
"No, Edward," Ebony reached out to comfort the majestic sobbing creature but he shrunk away.
"Don't touch me," he whimpered.
"Please, let me help you," she placed a soothing creamy hand on his shoulder but his reaction was unexpected.
Edward roared like a bestial Hippogriff released from the depths of Hell and shot straight into the ceiling. He didn't stop there, though, and began clawing his way into the foundation of the Newton household, shredding through concrete and plaster like so much parmesan cheese, all the while shrieking and writhing like a manatee being disemboweled by the engine of a motorized aquatic vehicle.
He emerged in Mike Newton's bedroom, embedded in the hardwood floors up to his waist.
"Hey," he said, then, as a wail of derpy despair exploded from his vocal chords, he
quickly collected Mike's doughy white soul (which he had crapped out in surprise) in an old jam jar before disappearing back down into the man cave.
"Edward?" Ebony was standing at the center of the man cave, frozen, shocked.
"Oh, my sweet, throbbing, delicate love totem." He whispered, making a few timid steps towards his terrified lover. She was apprehensive; she shrank from his touch and turned her head away.
"Edward, I-"
"I know my outburst scared you. I scared myself too," he said with a suave but humble toss of his chins.
She huddled into herself, clutching the fabric of her apron and full-body Beyblade jumpsuit.
"Please, Ebony. Do not fear me, I love you." But Ebony shook her ink black locks.
"It's not you I fear, Edward. There are things far worse on our horizon." She whispered, and held up to him the brick that had crushed the ligaments in his hair.
Scrawled across the brick was an ominous message: Meet us at the Chucky Cheese later tonight. And bring your Beyblades.