a/N: sorry it's been so long you guys! i've been really busy with retirement. also, i got my first tattoo! it's the japanese kanji for 'pooswan'! cool, right?
well here's the next part!
CHAPTER SIX: THE FINAL BATTLE
Ebony and Edward stood outside the Chucky Cheese, the wind whispering through the trees and the chill hardening their krusty nipples.
"What do you think is going on?" Ebony asked Edward but her beau did not answer. She noticed, however, the tense clench of his nutritious jaw line.
"I believe someone wants to topple you from your throne as Queen of the Beyblades," he said, proceeding to pick a large, wet, greasy snot particle from the cavernous depths of his nostril. He admired it for a fraction of a second before smearing the offending object into Ebony's raven locks.
"Who do you think it is?" Ebony questioned.
As if on cue, their challengers arrived.
"Bella?" gasped Edward the same time Ebony shrieked, "Jacob?"
"Yes, 'tis us," said Jacob with a sweeping hand. A chandelier rested on his head, connected to his newly constructed nipple piercings by a gilded sapphire chain. Bella was being carried a plastic bag from Target and they were both riding on the back of a naked and unidentifiable creature.
"What is that?" asked Ebony, terrified.
Jacob scoffed, "It is my personal orphan Wookie. I completely shaved all its hair off in order to degrade it into submission."
"What do you want with us?" Edward demanded, shaking his fist at Jacob, "I command you to tell me the truth, my crestfallen starfish of tropical rain running down my thighs in delicate rivulets of starry-eyed wonder!"
Jacob seethed, "The past is the past, Edward," his smoldering onyx orbulars focusing on the male vampire, "Or shall I say, Juniper Eustace!"
Edward growled, "You don't know the potential of my power."
Ebony gasped as she watched Edward's hands slowly turn black and spherical with a little wick at the end.
"No!" she shouted, "You cannot truly harness the strength of the Super-Saiyan form!"
Edward continued to look constipated but his hands reverted back into the porcelain appendages of a French opera girl.
"Hah!" laughed Jacob, "You can never fully manifest into your ultimate form because you never received the proper training."
Edward glowered, "My master, Black Beauty, was killed in a boating accident in Florida because he could not press his LifeAlert in time. He died before he could teach me to become Super-Saiyan."
Jacob laughed, "Oh, that's where you're wrong, Juniper! Black Beauty didn't die! Think about it."
Edward looked confused, "What are you talking about? A herd of manatees overturned his boat!"
"And exactly who is the king of the manatees?" Jacob gloated.
Edward gasped, "No!"
"Yes!"
"But why?" Edward felt the tears pouring forth, an unstoppable force that crashed against his pale marble cheeks.
"Black Beauty was heavily in debt because of his gambling problem. I knew him because he used to spend all day at my father's casino," Jacob explained, "One day, he contacted me and asked for help in faking his death. He wanted to cash out his life insurance policy."
Edward was sobbing now, disconsolate.
"I had my aquatic minions turn over his boat with plenty of witness around to see it. Then, out of sight, they brought Black Beauty to the shore where he received reconstructive face surgery. But after tapping into the deceptive powers he never knew he had, he realized he could never be satisfied until he gained the ultimate power. Which is why, Juniper Eustace, Black Beauty has joined forces with Bella and me to reclaim the title of Beyblade Empresses of North America!"
A thick, syrupy fog engulfed the four travelers, and Ebony's nipples gazed forth in apprehension. They stuck out of her sheer silk blouse like the tusks of a majestic and fierce wooly mammoth.
"Edward!" cackled Jacob, "Meet Black Beauty!"
The fog settled and there, in the parking lot of the Chucky Cheese was a giant stage. On that stage, was the band KISS, who started into an intense guitar riff.
Then, slowly descending from a swing, was Black Beauty.
Only, it was not a Black Beauty that Edward had ever known.
The scent of vanilla extract and home-style waffles wafted through the air. The guitar riff slowed and died out in favor of the dark, melancholy chords that rang out from a pipe organ that had risen in the center of the stage.
Seated at the organ was a stout, plump figure. The unidentified creature's spine curved and rippled in inhuman undulations as it continued to hammer out chord after chord on the pipe organ. At once the inharmonious music stopped. A light found and focused on the figure at the piano bench, growing stronger and stronger until it was completely illuminated.
Its head was bowed, as if in deep concentration. A yellow handkerchief secured a full head of nappy hair away from her face. Resting against and spilling over its curvaceous thighs were a pair of hefty breasts, whose strength, durability, and volume guaranteed that a small village was probably situated somewhere within their craggy recesses. A large, shapeless, silk floral-print muumuu, probably crafted somewhere in the highlands of Serbia, clung to every bodacious roll and dip that comprised her spherical body.
In the end, the creature truly was a Black Beauty. Her skin was the color of the deep and unmolested bark of a maple tree, almost red in its richness. But the most striking feature was yet to come. As the creature raised its great, domed head, and turned towards the somewhat terrified audience, a pair of bloody crimson scarlet red velvet cake eyes gazed out from the dark skin.
"AUNT JEMIMA!" Edward and Ebony cried out in a perturbed horror.
"Yes," she said in a deep, manly voice, "It is I, Black Beauty."
"Well," said Edward, "I guess it is time for the student to surpass the master."
Edward began to shoot lasers out of his nostrils but Aunt Jemima blocked it easily with a pancake.
"You're going to have to try harder than that to defeat me!" she cackled, then began releasing maple syrup and Doritos at Edward.
The maple syrup slowed the vampire down and allowed the Doritos to strike him in the eyeballs.
"Edward!" screamed Ebony and moved into the fight but Jacob stepped in front of her.
"Oh no, you're not," he said and began WOLFIN' OUT. The hairless orphan Wookie was crushed under the weight of his muscular wolven package.
Ebony pulled out of her chest hair, her Beyblades.
"Beyonce!" she yelled, "I release you!"
Beyonce appeared in a beam of light, in fighting position. Her weave was woven into a leotard of bodacious blond highlights.
"Please!" laughed Jacob, holding out one manicured hand, "You don't think I've been training since our last meeting? Grandpa! I summon you!"
Then, out of the foggy forest, flew a majestic hawk. And from the hawk's beak, hung the old Native American man from Bella and Jacob's last Beyblade battle. Only the old man seemed… different. His long, flowing, white hair was shiny, his limbs, once twisted by the cruelty of arthiritis, were encased in hard-boiled eggs and steel fibers. His mouth had morphed to epic proportions, engulfing the entire area of his face, from which now emanated, not whimpering tapioca-thickened moans, but a spine-tingling, orgasmic roar of sensual manhood.
Grandpa was dropped in front of Jacob with a crushing sploosh. If he had had eyes, they would have narrowed.
"You see," said Jacob, "I spliced Grandpa's DNA with a variety of chromosomes from Thundercats and Rastafarian Easy Bake Ovens. Ya mon you wont these BROWNIEZ. (Because they're coated in army-strength plexiglass chastity belts.)
Ebony felt, for the first time in a long while, fear. Luckily, she knew she had a wildcard up her sleeve…
Grandpa and Beyonce faced off against each other. Beyonce made the first move…
From her fanny pack, she quickly took out several syringes and thrust them at Grandpa. The syringes embedded into his jugular and promptly pumped his bloodstream full of peanut butter, sending his lymph notes into overdrive and facilitating the spread of Tyle 2 Diabeetus in the old man.
Grandpa ripped the syringes out of his skin and roared. The ground shook with his sensual fury.
"After I'm done with you," he bellowed spicily, "You'll be sent to the Mitchell Musso Mortuary, adjacent to Mitchell Musso Hotel, where you can find Mitchell Musso world-famous gelatto."
Beyonce said nothing. Grandpa smirked. His gums rippled in excitement and arousal.
Fire began to explode from his nipples and anus. He sailed through the air and landed nestled in the hammock of Beyonce's arm fat. There, he surreptitiously planted a million microscopic mayonaisse particles containing violent explosive powers.
Then he vaulted away, using her clavicles as a launching pad. Beyonce scrabbled to rid herself of the unstable mayonaisse-uranium molecules, but it was too late.
Ebony watched in horror and surprise as her prize, her essence, her very reason for existing, Beyonce, exploded into a colorful burst of hypnotic R&B energy.
Ebony collapsed to her knees, the force of the blow pulverizing them instantly, her mouth slack with the shock of losing her Beyonce.
On the other side of the lot, Black Beauty and Edward continued to square off.
Edward was wearing 17th century silk pantaloons crafted in an impoverished Taiwanese orphanage that he ran himself. Large eagle wings were secured to his arms with duct tape and festive Quanza yarn. Also he wore a sheer blush pink blouse from the clearance in the maternity section of Macy's. He was looking rather fetching in that moment.
But that didn't matter, not really. Aunt Jemima had confused him with a cardboard cut out of Toby Maguire nestling a meerkat in the cleavage created by his substantial mammary glands.
While Edward was momentarily paralyzed, Aunt Jemima had secured herself a flame thrower that shot out fire as well as cutlery from T.J. Maxx (Aunt Jemima was a prominent MAXXINISTA.)
Edward groaned in his soupy wrath. There were several pizza-cutters embedded in his loins, and third-degree burns covered his cankles.
"How dare you," he seethed. "My cankles are my most prized feature. They enable me to probe the thoughts of the innocent."
Aunt Jemima cackled. "Well now you can never use them again. You're immobilized!"
A feeling of despair pervaded his mouth like green vomit coming back up after a hefty meal.
"Well then," he said, "I guess I'll have to go to my last resort."
A constipated expression crossed his countenance. His hair began to solidify, and his hands morphed into a hard black sphere. When he opened his eyes, his pupils had stretched to form the shape of Hitler dolphins.
"Suuuuuuuuuuper Saiyannnnnnnn!" he screamed.
Ebony looked up from her own entanglement and saw her asthmatic lover transforming.
"No," she whispered, jumping up to help him.
"Stop," said Jacob. Grandpa moved to block Ebony's path. "You can't help him."
It'd been several years since Ebony had cried – the last time being the slaughtering of her band, Nickelback. Even when she had been turned into a vampire by Nick Lachey, even when she had left Edward the first time, she had not shed a tear. But now, her sadness and sorrow crashed forth so immensely that the impenetrable wall of solid mayonaisse that was her heart crumbled.
"Please," she wept. Candle wax dripped from her eyeballs, sliding down her defined abs. "Please, Edward!" She knew that if he sustained his Super-Saiyan form for too long, due to his lack of training, he would never be able to be the creamy porpoise she had always known.
Edward was lost to her cries. He smiled evilly, in an entirely un-Edward fashion.
Black Beauty smirked smugly."You've realized your true power, Eustace," she said. "You are a worthy adversary."
"Yeah right, Dick Cheney," Edward replied. "Go back to Scotland, you devilish highlander."
All hope had been lost. The Chuck E. Cheese lay decimated by the battle, the screams of a child's birthday birthday coming from the rubble provided a dramatic ambience to the event.
Aunt Jemima cackled mirthlessly. Edward's transformation was going all according 2 plan…..