I had a bit of trouble writing this one, because I had no idea about how to write as Matt besides "blahblahblahvideogames." It's the longest rant, but it might be just a boring ramble. And don't worry, I'm not ignoring the people who said to write a rant as Near. I just need to figure out how to write as him, but his will be coming really soon, I promise~
I don't own any of the characters or Death Note. I wonder if I could bribe the writers into giving it to me for free, though…
I can't believe Mello pulled me away from Mario Kart 7 for this.
I could be playing against people in Germany right now, but no. Instead, I have to write this stupid reply to all of the sick fantasies you've all uploaded onto the internet. Is this how you get your kicks? I almost threw up at some of the pictures that have been drawn of me and Mello…and chocolate. So much chocolate. I'm not gay, stop pairing me with guys, and I have no time for a serious relationship with a girl. They don't get video games.
Why am I paired with Mello? Not only that, but since he's read these fics, he thinks that I agree with them. He keeps giving me glances when I'm playing a game like I'm imagining the stories. Besides, why would I ever go out with him? Sure, he looks like a girl, but he's been my best friend for so long that I can't even remember. He gets a bit crazy as well, what with all the beating-Near and the blowing-shit-up-with-the-Mafia. And trust me; if I even touch his precious chocolate stash, I get a gun pointed in my face. And his emotions run too wild. He's such a teenage girl sometimes. (P.S., Mello, I read your post. You wish you were the seme. We both know you'd be uke.)
Do you guys seriously just sit there and imagine me and Near screwing? I might not hate him as much as Mello does, but he insulted my DS once. All he does is play with toys. There are so much more worthwhile habits, like…smoking or video games. Or something. Don't judge me. Mello might be too emotional for me, but that kid is like a robot or something. He just sat there after his whole team had been killed, and he looked like he cared more about his precious dice tower. I swear, he's like a creepy demon child or something.
I saw one story that was about me and L. I haven't even seen the guy, let alone got to know him. The most he has done to get to know me is talk through a computer, and even then he didn't sound that interested in me. Well, screw him. I don't want to be his successor, or his 'cake' or whatever he calls the person he loves. I wouldn't date him if, even if we were both gay. Just…no.
I think I saw someone pair me with Halle, too. She works for Near, so she wouldn't ever try to get to know me anyway. Unless you're all imagining a movie-type story where the strong-willed woman detective falls in love with the stunningly handsome young man who she's supposed to follow. And that woud never happen at all. Besides, she's really weak. If I ever go out with any girl, she has to be able to look after herself.
I just looked to see who else you paired me with. Naomi? Who's that? I don't even know anyone called Na…Oh, Mello just told me it was the woman who helped L in the BB case. Well, I don't know her, so I think we can safely say that she's off limits.
So, screw you all. I'm off to beat some n00bs at Mario Kart.
-Matt