Chapter 2- Goodbye

There's nothing left to say but good-bye.
You deserve the chance at the kind of love
I'm not sure I'm worthy of – Airsupply

I am training with my brother again when the call comes. Ichigo is waking. And though my heart thumps wildly in my chest and my body makes a move to run after them I stop myself out of discipline and look to my brother for allowance. He nods his head and I bow.

Forcing so much power into my steps, I'm tired by the time I get there yet I don't show it. I keep my lips together and pant through my nose trying to slow the beating of my heart by deep steady breaths. I chastise myself for being so far away. I should not have conducted my training on the opposite side of the compounds, so very far from him when at any given moment he could wake. I should be there now, like Inoue. Oh, I'm so incredibly stubborn!

Finally I get there and as not to hurt my crumbling pride any, I calmly open the door to Ichigo's room. I notice he's still sleeping and I let a thin line of air out through my lips as I come and take a seat beside Inoue. "Kuchiki-san." Inoue greets in the sweet tone of her usual, as if she hadn't been so callous the last time we spoke. "I don't know how but Unohana-san said that he should be waking within minutes. She seemed to be really sure."

"Unohana-taichou is a gifted healer. I believe in her estimation."

All that is left is to wait. The silence is terrible and if I hadn't had so much practice at it, I would have fallen apart as badly as Inoue is about to. Her body trembles beside me.

Then his eyes shift beneath his lids. My heart thuds loud in my ears. We all lean over him and I've lost myself in worry along with the rest of them. Finally I see his brown eyes again after ten long days of waiting and all the tension and stress dissipates from my body like a tidal wave reseeding from the land.

I explain to him quickly what's happening to him. Like a bandage, I rip it off quickly to ease the pain. And he takes it as well as I knew he would.

He manages to even smile. He's strong for her, for them. Saying he knew the consequences. Perhaps he did but I doubt it. He stands strong and says what they are all waiting for him to say. "Let's go home".

I'm proud of him. That he's able to swallow all of it whole and not for a single moment allow it to effect him in front of them. And they sense nothing. I smile for him. He did good.

The day goes by fast. They fill him in with everything that's been happening. The construction that went on. Aizen's imprisonment. The re-stabilization of Karakura Town. Ichigo asked about Tatsuki and Keigo, his father and his sisters. They were being updated on Ichigo's condition and were waiting for his return in the human world.

Word get out fast that Ichigo is awake and many if not all of the Captains and Lieutenants come to greet him. Some come to pick a fight with him before he loses all of his powers and I had to be the voice of reason. The more he uses his powers now, the sooner he'll lose them. He actually apologized that he couldn't use his remaining abilities for a meaningless scrimmage. I hold myself back from punching him in the face.

My brother comes now with Renji behind him. Renji wears a big grin on his face, his eyes only for Ichigo. "Yo." He hollers across the deck.

"Renji." Ichigo smiles back. Renji makes it a point to ignore me and I'm relieved. I bow my head however to encourage his behavior.

"You done pretending being sick?" I smack my forehead. Why must he provoke him?

"What was that?" Ichigo growls fisting a hand. I'm glad I hid away his sword.

"Got to get all of the attention somehow, huh?" They come at each other and I manage to get caught in between them to try and shove them apart. They are amazingly strong and I'm sure they don't even feel me there.

"Renji, Ichigo." I scream and holler but am promptly ignored through their insults and jests until finally Inoue squeals 'Dinner!' And they shove apart like two obnoxious brothers.

Flustered and muttering curses to myself I'm the last to enter. Everyone has already taken a seat and Ichigo has a lead chair at the head of the table with my brother at the other. He should be honored. My brother's never allowed another man to sit there. A smile twitches at my lips for a moment. Will there ever be a man my brother respects?

Then I realize that the only chair left for me to sit is next to Renji.

All the playful banter and the fuzzy human thoughts are thrown aside and I'm back again into my rightful place. Duty and Shinigami honor.

Renji notices. He doesn't look up at me. He folds his hands before his mouth and stares straight ahead. It's the first time I notice he isn't wearing glasses. He broke them a long time ago, he should have been able to afford new ones by now. It's a stupid thought, one thrown away quick enough when I take my seat, stiff and formal. No one else seems to notice and why should they? Humans and their easy going causal lives. What do they know of duty? What can they possibly understand about anything?

I try and release the tension in my shoulders. I'm making a bigger deal than what it is. So what? We are just sitting next to each other. From the look on the human faces they see nothing but a typical situation of friends sitting side by side. Talking continues as normal. Laughter and giddiness, all from Inoue, who shines like the sun sitting next to Ichigo.

His eyes are on her, lit up by her bright illumination. How can he not be drawn in by her? Every man at this table can't help their attention be enraptured by her as she goes on about the festivities that Ichigo missed out on while he's been resting. She's a beautiful woman to behold, so full of life and energy that any human man would love to have as a wife.

Then suddenly Ichigo's eyes flicker to me and I flash my attention to Inoue with quick haste. It didn't mean anything really. He felt my eyes upon him in that instant is all. I chastise myself. I shouldn't have been looking to begin with.

I rest back against the chair. I allow myself to laugh and smile because who knows when I'll have this chance again. Soon things will be different and my life will be altered forever.

Had I known it would have been with the opening of the doors, I would have enjoyed it better.

Through the doors, dinner comes. Dishes brought in, huge ones, meant as a feast of celebration. And every dish is a sword through my chest because I know exactly what my brother is doing. He plans to tell everyone today. How can I deny him? His little sister is getting married. What isn't there to celebrate?

But why couldn't he give me time? Why couldn't he let me tell everyone in my own damn time? I would have. Probably. Eventually. Maybe.

Ichigo would have never had to know. He could have gone back to the human world without ever having to know. What would be the point in him knowing anyway? He wants to go home. He said so himself. He's ready to leave. He must realize that when he leaves here and when his powers go, he will no longer be able to see me, hear me, talk to me, or touch me, ever.

"This food is delicious, Byakuya-san." Ichigo muffles through a mouth full of food.

I haven't tasted a single bite and with a quick glance at Renji neither has he. I play with question why? Does he believe that Ichigo likes me? Does he feel guilt for this as I do? Then why are we doing this?

Those are naïve questions. It doesn't matter if Ichigo likes me. The fact of the matters is, I love Ichigo. And I want to be with him. And I can't be. So I will chain myself to Seireitei so I cannot leave.

It is unfair to Renji that I use him this way but he knows it. I can see it in his face and in his eyes. With the conversation, or the fight or whatever the hell it was we had last night, I explained and expressed all that I could and he understood it. Is it called using when they know they are being used?

"I have news." My brother begins and my body tenses. I drop my hands in my lap and Renji, as my best friend for over a thousand years, grabs onto it. I squeeze it, thanking him and I know that it will never be enough.

"News?" Inoue excitingly bounces.

"There will be a marriage within our family next month."

My body has never been so tight and my skin has never been so cold. I can feel myself shake and twist. I want to stop it all from coming but I know it isn't possible. I wish I could run and never look back but with Renji's hand I don't move. I will endure this. I owe Ichigo that much.

"Marriage?" Ishida chimes in. "Who?"

"Rukia and Renji."

My eyes don't lift off my uneaten plate. No noise follows. It appears not even Inoue can fake happiness in a moment like this.

Not to my surprise, it's Ichigo who manages to find his voice first. He's able to do so with that smile he gives to his kiddy friends. "Wow. Renji, Rukia. I didn't know. Congratulations." His friends follow him. Yet their sentiments are less convincing then his own.

I don't know why. Does every one think that Ichigo likes me? Why? What has he said or done to show he has any interest in me whatsoever? He rescued me? Only out of a sense of obligation. He rescued Inoue too and no one here contested he is in love with her?

They don't know anything and I don't know how many times I'm going to repeat that. Their conclusions and their judgments are getting downright annoying.

I stand. I can't handle it anymore. I catch Renji's eyes only to apologize to him and then to my brother, bowing my head to excuse myself. His eyes are wide in mock surprise. This is all a test, I know. He wants to know if I feel for Ichigo. He wants to demolish it if I do and reassure himself if I don't.

I dash out having nothing to say to the humans. I don't know where to go because anywhere I go I will be found. I just need a moment to think to myself. I'm making the right decision. I know I am.

"Kuchiki-san." the last person I want to have follow me has taken the initiative. I grit my teeth and fall back against the wall as she rounds the corner. She holds a hand to her amble chest. Her cheeks are red from her sudden haste and her eyes are wide.

"Inoue." I greet.

"Why?"

Her audacity shocks me. "Why?" The falsehood comes easily off my lips, "Because I love him."

"Oh." Her eyes drop. She hadn't been prepared for me to lie and now she is judging whether I am telling the truth or not. Inoue tries to come up with something, "Ichigo..." She trails off when nothing comes.

"He will return to the human world and be a normal human. You, Chad and Ishida will have to be his protectors from now on."

"But. He."

Don't say it. Please. I can't hear it. I stand straight. "Inoue. When he becomes normal, he will no longer be able to see ghosts, let alone Shinigami. He won't even be able to sense them. It's best if we say our goodbyes here."

Her eyes widen, shock and sadness mix together. And though she realizes now a bit of what I'm fighting I don't want her be sad.

You win, Inoue. He's all yours now. This is a good thing. With me out of the picture you can swoop in and pick up the pieces. Be there to make him smile. I want him to be happy so I wish to tell her things I know he likes. Make him drawings, I want to say. He loves my drawings.

I swallow suddenly as tears well up in my eyes.

And when he gets depressed, because he's only human and he will get depressed, don't baby him. Don't hold him or cry for him. Punch him, push him back on his feet, and shove him out the door and tell him to shut up.

I turn my back suddenly and slap a hand on my mouth to stop a sudden sob from escaping my lips.

"We can still visit, right?" She whispers to me.

Tears want to pour from my eyes but I won't let them. I'm not a stupid weak woman. I'm not. I'm a Shinigami and I have been through hell. Ichigo isn't dying. He's just returning to his rightful place. But why, why does it feel like my heart is breaking?

I nod my head even as I run away. Please I wish to whisper. Don't ever come back. Like a band-aid. Just rip it off. Say goodbye, and don't ever come back.

I return to the table on shaking legs. As stupid as it may seem I hadn't thought about what would happen once Kurosaki lost his powers. I figured things would just go back to normal. But I guess the word normal for me is different than it would be for a typical human. I use it in a context of going to school with Chad, Ishida, and him, waiting for hollows to appear and chasing after them, fighting evil together. In time and with training from all of us, Kurosaki's powers would eventually return and soon enough he would surpass us to our dismay and our happiness.

I never thought-

"Inoue."

Startled, my head snaps up. Kurosaki pokes at his rice, forcing only a small amount in his mouth before he asks, "Is Rukia okay?"

My mouth flutters for a lie, "She, She, isn't feeling well." I drop my head because it isn't a lie at all.

The silence continues as we eat. I force food into my mouth but I no longer taste it. I sneak peaks at Kurosaki beside me, noticing he is doing the same as me. He here's but he's not really here at all.

My brows knit and I drop my chopsticks on my plate and rest my hands in my lap playing with my fingers.

Why doesn't he fight this? It's the same situation as before and again I have to ask the same question. Why doesn't he fight?

After rescuing her from soul Society he didn't fight when she chose to stay. Not one word of disagreement. I didn't understand then and I don't understand this now. Does he want to be pain?

I remember well how much suffering he did after coming home from Soul Society. For months, he would sit in class and stare out the windows, searching for her. The moment a hollow would appear, his eyes would come alive because he knew that there might just be a chance she would show. He would go out on patrols, always wanting to go alone. He deduced she would more likely come to his aid if he were by himself.

Yet she never came. Every day was a another day of heartbreak. He would be disappointed. But Kurosaki wasn't one to give up. He continued on each day as if it didn't hurt him to do so. He'd smile and laugh. He'd act like he was fine. But I wasn't fooled.

I'm not fooled now either.

I had hoped at first it was just a momentary fling and that the more time past, the less he would think of her. And then were times where he would smile at me and it would make my stomach flutter and I would think that just maybe he could come to like me and perhaps maybe love me as much as he loved her.

Had it only been my imagination? Those smiles he gave me? Those looks? Did I take those to mean something more because I wanted them to mean something more?

The negative part of me says yes. The negative part tells me that I'm not his type. Even without Rukia, I didn't stand a chance. He needs someone that can stand beside him, that can match his temper and his wit, that can hold their own in a battle. And I can do none of those.

Now Rukia, the person that ismade for him, plans to leave him. I don't know her well enough to figure out what's going on. Maybe she does love Renji. They've certainly known each other a long time. It doesn't matter to me really. She's hurting Ichigo and she's making me into a monster because I can't stop all these bad thoughts I have.

I don't know why he won't fight. I don't understand his logic. He doesn't want to burden anyone. He thinks that loving her will hurt her and so he holds himself back. But doesn't he see that not loving her will hurt her too?

If I help him as a friend should, I will lose any chance I have with him. There is always a chance right? He saved me. He came all the way to Hueco Mundo and fought so many to save me. I mean something to him. I know I'm not his type but I love him and I have to try.

It's selfish. But love is a very selfish thing.

I help clean the dishes, simply for something to distract me. I have decided that tonight I will make a last ditch effort to make Kurosaki see I love him. If he turns me down completely then I will do whatever I can to get him and Rukia together. But if there is even the slightest notion that he has any interest in me then I will give Rukia and Renji my congratulations. It will have to be tonight. Tomorrow we return to the human world.