Author's Note" Okay, The Takes place during episode 342 so Spoilers alert! Thanks for the reviews. hope you enjoy.
Chapter 5-Hourglass
If I live for a hundred years
I'll still want you here
I'll still need you, dear.
Let me whisper in your ear
Let me love you now before we disappear.
And if these things pass I would break the hourglass
Just to make the moment last for you.
oh and if i had one wish, i would take us both from this
to a place where only you and i exist.-Athenaeum
I'm staring to wonder about Rukia's mission. She's never far from me. If anything's she's around more than she usually is. The worst part is she won't even let me take on a hollow by myself. I'm not a freaking kid. I may be losing my reiatsu but that doesn't mean I have cancer. I'm not dying and I'm sick of everyone looking at me like I am.
I gave up my powers to save them. Has everyone forgotten that? They'd be dead by now if it wasn't for me.
No. Stop it. I lay myself across the bench in the school locker room, the only place I can actually hide. Chad, Ishida and Inoue and their ever constant looks of pity follow me everywhere. Even Keigo and Tatsuki know what's going on and they wonder daily if today is the day that I'm normal. I just want to tell them, 'I'll text you'. That way they won't have to worry about it.
Rukia is the only one that doesn't pity but she hovers. I don't mind that. I just wish she wouldn't lie about it. She doesn't lie well either. Friends shouldn't lie to each other anyway. No matter what happens to me, we'll still be friends. Even when I'm, human.
Oh, man I hate this. I don't want this. I don't regret it, but it sucks more than anything.
Laying like this only bothers my injured arm. I sit up to ease the pain. Last night Rukia and I dealt with a hollow. By we, I mean her. I didn't do anything to it. She ended up chastising me for it, acting as if I had more in me. And yea I do, if I had used my Bankai on it. It seems that's the only way to get my energy up.
Then she goes and asks that stupid little question.
"It's nice isn't? Being able to live a peaceful and ordinary life?"
Is that what she thinks I want? Is that how she thinks life will be for me from now on? I don't want life to be peaceful. I don't want life to be ordinary. I want to be out there risking my life everyday with her!
I grab my backpack. I'm only making myself angrier sitting here alone. I need fresh air.
Surprise, surprise, when I leave the school, Rukia's waiting. My anger though flees before I have time to come up with some rude comment by the sadness in her face. I know better than to ask. It's something about me. Maybe they've told her; That my reiatsu is leaving me faster than even I thought it would. I can feel it draining away like water in a sink swirling down a drain. Sometimes its slow, nearly at a standstill. Other times it creates a downward tornado.
I want her to leave. I don't want her to see what this does to me. I don't want her to ever see me weak. Whatever her mission is, maybe to log or analyze my loss of reiatsu. I don't care. I want her to go. I try and push her to leave but she only fights back.
"Your family said I could stay as long as I want." She pushes me away.
I remember what my father said a few nights ago about us making it work. I never told Rukia that my father is a Shinigami. I humor the idea that if she knew she would break off her engagement with Renji and runaway with me. I may be a teenage boy, but I'm not completely stupid.
She turns her face away from me. "I'll go when my mission is done."
She'll leave when my ratisu is gone. She'll stay till the bitter end. I don't fight it. Simply because part of me wants her there. She's the last thing I want to see.
I get home rather late because I had to go to the store to the get the eggs for Yuzu's curry but thankfully she doesn't get angry like every other woman in my life. She reminds me of our mother more then either of them. The food is by far the best, and I get to forget about everything for a little while until the doorbell rings.
Karin runs to answers while Yuzu and Rukia clean the dishes. I'm fixing a table that my father broke when I last threw him into it. "Ichigo-nii-san!" Karin calls. "Inoue-chan is here!"
My head slams against the wood as I look up. With humiliation staining my cheeks I pull myself from under it and find Inoue and Tatsuki waving from the living room.
"Inoue?" I trip over a chair, that to my defensive had never been there before and grab a hold of the couch to catch my fall. "What are you guys doing here?"
Inoue stumbles on a reply so Tatsuki quickly answers, "You forgot your textbook." she shoves Inoue who holds out my math book.
"Oh." I awkwardly take it at the precise moment Rukia comes from the kitchen
"Inoue." She greets happily.
"Kuchiki-san.
I know I shouldn't feel any guilt whatsoever. The woman I'm in love with, who isn't in love with me, with the woman who is in love with me who I only made out with who I haven't really pledged any alliance too in the same room together; doesn't qualify as cheating. However, awkwardness is still apparent.
And then all three of us standing around staring at each other only increases that said awkwardness.
Karin, who is watching the whole thing with raised eyebrows breaks in on the silence, "Is something going on?" Inoue and I sputter over ourselves in explanation, denying anything remotely close to communication.
Yuzu thankfully cuts in to ask, "Orihimi-san, would you like something to eat?"
"Oh, arigato, Yuzu-san, no."
"Well," Yuzu begins, "Nii-san and Rukia-san were about to play a game with us, did you want to join us?"
Before we can begin to pose our own objections, Inoue bounces for joy, instantly distracting me in my own distress. But it is only momentary. I'm not nearly as bad as Kon is, I'd like to point out in my defense but I am still a man. If Rukia at any moment 'bounced for joy' I'd stop whatever the hell I was doing even if it meant my life.
The game lasted for a few hours and it isn't as bad as I thought it would be. I get to spend time with Rukia. She laughs and with everything that's been happening as of late, her laughing is becoming a rarity.
And I find that her eyes have been meeting my own less and less. She doesn't speak to me at night either. She shuts the door to her closet so quickly. What's the point of being here, Rukia, if you're not going to really be here? I want to talk to her, I want to ask questions I haven't the right to. Why is she marrying Renji? Why doesn't she love me? Does she hate me for how I feel?
In spite, in anger, in aggravation, I instead turn my gaze to Inoue. Perhaps not a good idea considering, but at least she wants my attention. At least she isn't going to marry someone and leave me now that I'm becoming a human and useless. Like I haven't noticed that at the very same moment I lose my reiatsu she decides to get married. What a coincidence. Whatever. Have a great life. I don't care.
I should have just gone up to bed. I should have just ignored all the glances he kept giving her and ignored the blushes she kept having and gone to my closet and shut the world off. But I didn't. And now here I am, hanging over the roof with Kon muffled under me, sneaking a peak at Inoue and Ichigo. Tatsuki probably saw me but she pretended not to I guess hanging out in the street with her back against the wall.
Why did they need to be alone? He only walked her out to be a gentlemen.
Sure. That's why I'm making a fool of myself.
Ichigo leans back against the wall with hands in his pockets and Inoue fiddles with her fingers as she toes the ground in nervousness. The silence is awkward and it only reminds me of the tension from before when the three of us stood around staring at each other. Something had happened between them and Ichigo hadn't told me about it. We don't really talk about stuff but somehow we don't have secrets. Everything gets revealed one way or another. Yet he had managed to keep this from me and the betrayal sets thick in my stomach.
"I'm sorry I came over unannounced. I should have called first."
"No. It's okay."
Silence again. Aggravation bothers me because not only is the position I'm in uncomfortable but I know Kon is enjoying being tucked underneath my arm no matter how hard I squeeze the air from his lungs in retaliation. I only brought him to keep him quiet. I should have just taken the tablet from his mouth.
Why don't they just make out already!
"Um, How long is Rukia going to be here for?"
He shrugs. I bet she wants to get rid of me. "Not long." My eyes falls. He knows my mission. The worst is he knows his reiatsu is falling fast. Oh, Ichigo. I'm so sorry.
"We should do something special for her." I flip my gaze back up. I chastise myself. I shouldn't think such bad stuff about her all the time. Perhaps shes not out to get me.
"I'll think of something."
It takes a few minutes for her to speak again. "Are you doing anything this weekend?"
"I don't know. But I'll call you if not." My brows widen at that response.
It's with that I pull myself away and I force myself inside the bedroom. Kon goes off to daydream and I curl up into my closet shutting the door, blocking out the noise.
I don't know what I was thinking. It's not like Ichigo ever liked me to begin with. I just thought our friendship went a bit deeper than most. I thought perhaps, I was enough for him. I thought, he'd at least wait until I was gone to move on. I thought he'd at least fight for me.
He's not going to fight for me.
I squeeze my pillow at a sudden wave of pain and tears produce in my eyes. That one sentence goes on repeat. He's not going to fight for me. Wave after wave crashes into me, shaking my body and I squeeze my lips tight until they hurt to keep whatever sobs that want to escape can't.
I shake my head. I won't give into this. I won't allow the tears to come. I have suffered so much, I won't let this break me.
I flip open my eyes and find only darkness. I am stronger than this. He is just a human boy. It was never a possibility. I knew it the moment I met him. He is nothing. I can do without him. I can live without him.
The door closes to the bedroom, shaking my closest door. My body tightens and so does my soul. I'm not going to break. I'm going to marry Renji and I am going to move on. Of course he's already going after Inoue. I expected as much. Teenage boys flip from one woman to the next as easy as they flip a TV channel.
"Rukia." Ichigo's voice whispers. The sadness is easy to spot but I've hardened myself against weakness now despite this moment of self pity.
"What?" I reply briskly. I voice sounds hollow, echoing in the closed space of the closet.
"I need to ask you something." I don't make a sound as I wait. "This marriage." My body tenses and I stare at the black wall. "Tell me. It's your idea, isn't it? It's not the old man's, or some stupid Soul Society thing, or Byakuya's. No one is forcing you."
My hand covers my mouth. This roller coaster is too much and I would rather die than continue on until then end. One minute I think he doesn't love me and I hate him for it and then the next I proven wrong and I hate him for it. I don't know which would be easier. Him not loving me at all, or breaking his heart.
This is his fight. This is all the fight I will get from him. If it is my choice, he will let me go because that is the type of person he is. But if it is against my will then he will do whatever he can to protect me.
As terrible as the truth is. I tell him, "It's my choice." I force out. If he listened well enough, he would have noticed the tremble in my voice, the sorrow, and the regret but I'm sure only the words he heard and not the sound of them.
"Ah." He whispers after a short while. "I'm going for a walk."
The door shuts.
A sudden panic sits me up and I snap open my door and get to my feet. I stop myself with what little self-control I have left. Kon lays curled near my toes sound asleep dreaming. The lights are all off. Ichigo's bed is untouched.
I want to run after him. With all my might I want to go after him and apologize and tell him how much I love him and I want to be with him and that I don't care about the stupid problems that would come our way. I want to kiss his lips and feel his arms wrap around me and hold him against me and to know what it feels like to finally make love with someone that cares for you as much as you do for them.
But I stay glued to my makeshift bed because I'm weak and stupid. And I know that this is not where I belong. I am not a human. I am a shinigami and I belong in Soul Society. No amount of feelings can change that.
A smile comes to my lips though. A realization has dawned on me. With that question, with that simple act of hope, he made one thing clear to me that I have denied. Ichigo does actually love me. I don't know if he loves me as much as I love him but I'm going to trust he does because then things would actually make sense. He's hurting as I'm hurting. I thought his depression was all on the basis of losing his reiatsu but it is more than it. And though perhaps I shouldn't be happy about it, I am.
All the arguments I thought were because he didn't want me to marry Renji. He made that clear one too many times. Renji and his hair, Renji and his tattoos, Renji and his sunglasses. One thing after another. Their bitter rival attitudes were simply annoying.
But it's more. It's because he loves me. I lay back down and shut the door only to stare at the ceiling. My smile never goes away. Dreams are only of him and all the things that could be. To know that he loves me and that my dreams don't have to be dreams only make them that much sweeter and yet make them that much sadder.
Half the time I'm smiling and half the time I'm crying like a pathetic child. I go through the pros and cons of marrying a human. I try and make it all work out in my head but every time we end up in prison. The memories of jail are still very fresh and to know my savior will be locked up with me doesn't bring me comfort. I want Ichigo to live a full and happy life. It's all I've ever wanted for him.
Anger comes on swiftly sometimes too. Ichigo will physically battle anyone that dares come between him and his friend but now when it comes to love he simply is willing to walk away. He didn't fight enough. Why isn't he fighting! If he loves me, then he should fight for me! I understand Ichigo more so than anyone. I know how he thinks. I have two theories on why he won't fight. My first is that, he believes I don't love him. I don't think that's possible. With everything that has gone on, he should have seen the signs a long time ago. My second theory. He knows human and shinigami relationships can't work and he doesn't want to hurt me by trying. I respect that. But shouldn't I get a say in this? Shouldn't we take that step when we get there?
I fling the covers off. What am I thinking? He's a teenage boy! Like he's thought much further then the sex part!
I wake early and take a walk only to find myself down by the water. It's a beautiful fall day and the breeze is the only comfort I have. I hold my arms to myself knowing that I've already made up my mind.
It's better if I just walk away. Ichigo and I were never meant to be. He has his world and I have mine. I should have never been in his from the beginning. It wasn't fate. It was misguided hands. Renji is a good man. I loved him once and I'm sure I can do so again. I will rid myself of Ichigo and his world and I will never come back and soon I will find myself back into the person I was before.
I will just walk away.
"There you are." Ichigo's voice filters through. "Why are you staring blankly into space?"
I wipe a stray tear from my face and continue my gaze on the water. "It's nothing"
"Really? You've been acting strange lately."
I'm stiff in response. Is he finally wanting to talk about stuff straightforward? "No I haven't."
"Then why won't you look me in the face? You've been like that for awhile now." The wind blows in my silent response. I don't know what to say. How do you tell someone that they're whole life is going to be blown to bits? How do you tell someone you're going to drop them like a bad habit? How do you do that, without sounding like your falling apart? "There's something you want to tell me, isn't there?"
He has two days left. Then I'm leaving forever. With a sudden bit of confidence I take a deep breath. "Yes."
"It's okay. You don't have to tell me."
Outraged and annoyed we bicker back and forth but I get an apology out of him. He says he already knows what I'm going to say which I figured he would because he's right, we have known each other for a long time. But then he says something that confuses me.
"I'll hear what you have to say before you leave."
If he knows my missions is to look over him while he loses his reiatsu and knows that what I have to say is about him losing his reiatsu than what would I have to say before I leave?
He should know by now that I love him, is he hoping I'll say it then? What would be the point in that? Exposing the truth and then leaving him behind? Will hearing those words from me ease the pain from our distance? Our final goodbye mixed with a final vow of love? It sounds too cheesy for me. Yet sadly, perhaps that's exactly what we'll need to get through it.
As we walk, he goes on talking about this and that and I pretend to listen but really I am only humoring him. I want to see him smile because I'm tired of seeing the morose look in his gaze.
A constant question breaks my composure one too many times as we go down the lane and I hold myself to keep the pain from my face. All I want to do is ask him.
If you're in love with me, Ichigo, like I prey you are, then why won't you fight for me?