Chapter 6- Nothing

She said nothing
Oh, I wanted words but all I heard was nothing
Oh, I got nothing
Oh, I got nothing
Oh, I wanted words but all I heard was nothing

My walk got me thinking. Inoue loves me. She sacrificed herself to save me. Wouldn't Rukia do the same, if she loved me?

It's a long shot. But thinking on everything about Rukia and Soul Society and her imprisonment, she didn't want me to come save her because she didn't want me to get hurt. I know she feels something for me. Maybe something stupid like i'm her younger brother and she feels responsible for me. But I refuse to believe that. I'm a good looking guy. There's no way she doesn't feel any sexual attraction for me. And where there is sexual attraction there is always room to expand.

Any way, getting off the point, stupid teenage hormones and the stupid stupidness.

Rukia never once acted around Renji the way she's acted around me. I can see the difference. I can see it in her eyes. I can sense it in her stance, in her tone. In everything. I know Rukia like the back of my hand. She doesn't love him. She's doing this out of some form of obligation or something. I know she is. Damn it, if she would only tell me the freaking truth.

I've decided though. I'm going to show her that I like her. Love is too strong to use at the moment. Take tiny steps. Gotta take her out on a date first, right? But she would never really agree to a date, so it's got to be like a group thing.

I remember the ice rink and call up Inoue to get it all set up. She's excited as usual and I finally am able to find Rukia which took most of morning.

She's depressed which she's been that way the past couple of days. If she's in the same state I'm in then I can't blame her. It actually makes me happy. As sick as that is, if the reason she's depressed is because she's in love with me, then I'm freaking thrilled.

I know she wants to talk about my disappearing reiatsu, but I certainly don't want to talk about. I don't want to think about let alone have a discussion about it. So I cut her off before she gets a word out.

I manage to rouse her out of her stupor by annoying her but this time, like the many other times before it, she doesn't walk away from me.

I confuse her by telling her to let me in on her secret before she leaves, praying by some miracle she reveal that she's in love with me and that everything that's going crazy in my world will suddenly make sense again. It's a long shot but I'm taking a chance here out of desperation. Just like this date.

She follows beside me mindless. Stress furrows on her brow and clogs her throat, distracting her from me most of the time but at least she doesn't take note to where we are until finally we are already there.

Getting her in the rink is the hard part but so swiftly does she forget about all our problems and becomes relaxed enough to get out onto the ice. To see her stubbornness, refusing my help only makes me laugh. But then when she's just about to fall and she reaches for my hand, I know in this single moment that she loves me "I got ya." I assure. The way she looks at me and smiles. She knows it too. She knows I'll always be there.

The rest of the day goes by fast. Too fast in my opinion. I try not to let anything ruin it but in the back my mind, all I can think is, why is she marrying Renji?

The walk home, the question is on repeat. She can only reminiscence about the past and all I want to do is think about the future. She isn't even fighting to stay with me. She's giving up so easily. Perhaps she doesn't love me. I'm being stupid.

When the hollow pops up, I am so quickly willing to fight because that is my only outlet. How could I ask her to stay? How could I tell her I love her? I owe her too much. If she wanted to stay, she would. If she loved me, she would stay. It is that simple. These are the things that I keep overlooking in my stupid daydreaming.

This stupid date. I am a human. We live in two completely different worlds.

The worst thing happens then. I feel my reiatsu begin to drain from me. Rukia sits beside me and though I wish nothing more than to tell her that I want her to stay here with me, I can't do it. She has already given me everything. I have saved my friends, my family, my home, and my life, numerous times. And it was because she gave up her own powers for me to do so. Who would do that?

I could nothing but thank her and tell her that we are friends. Friends. How I have come to hate that word.

Morning comes and when I open my eyes I sigh in relief upon seeing Rukia's face. But she's anything but happy. She tells me swiftly that I've entered the Second Stage of losing my reiatsu.

She must be relieved, I think bitterly. Now she can get married.

With my friends all staring down at me I let nothing phase me. I get up to break the silence and I go outside hoping to escape their eyes but the void of a lifeless world is all that surfaces. It feels empty, like everyone's missing. I look around and there are people scattered about, but they all feel numb. Disconnected. Distant.

And when Rukia comes up beside me, my eyes widen because where once I felt her entire life force, I don't even feel a draft of air.

I am relieved at this moment, that I didn't tell her I loved her. It would have made it worse. How could you love someone that didn't exist? How could our relationship work when she didn't live in this world? My father was wrong. We don't belong together. I'm human. She's shinigami. And she doesn't love me. Or she'll tell me, at this instant, at this very moment before she fades away.

"This is goodbye, Ichigo."

When her legs begin to fade, my heart pounds in my chest. My hands fist in my pocket but I don't make a move. This is what I gave up to save the world. This is what I gave to save my friends. This is what I gave up to save my family.

Say it, Rukia.

Say it.

Say it.

Her head lifts.

"Ja Na, Rukia."

She disappears before my very eyes. Perhaps with her last intake of breath she had wanted to say it, but she hadn't. Because she doesn't love me. Not enough.

Chad, Ishida, and Inoue stare at me. I know they still see her but all I have before me is sky. I won't be able to feign happiness much longer. I've been cut off from an entire world, they couldn't possibly know what that feels like. I force a smile, "I'm gonna go eat." I wave and turn inside.

"Kurosaki-kun!" Inoue calls after but I silently will her not to follow me as I ignore her and shut the door behind me.

My back hits the door and I slide to the ground. Rukia better not be in here or I'll kill her.

Inoue pounds on the door calling my name trying the locked knob. Doesn't she get it? I want to be left alone. Is that wrong? Can't I be alone? I've just lost so much, so can't I just be alone for a couple of minutes for fuck's sake!

I hide my head in my hands and if I was a lesser man I would probably cry. I laugh at this because even then I feel wetness on my face.

I pound on the door but it doesn't budge. After so many minutes, panting I turn away to find Rukia just standing there. I want to scream at her to do something. I want her to fix it, to fix him, to stop his pain, to un-break his heart, but from the look of her face she is as shatter as he and will be useless.

I won't give up. This is my chance. Now more than ever. Chad and Ishida yell at me and tell me to leave him alone but they don't understand it. They don't know what he needs now. And after so many months of getting to know him, I have finally figured it out myself. I use to be like that. I use to be one of the ones to say he needs to time, leave him alone. But now I know and I must get to him.

I run around the back, shoving through the gate. The sliding glass door happens to be locked as well and pounding on that does me no good. The girls and their father had set out earlier for some shopping to have a big feast for brunch this afternoon, a way to keep Ichigo from moping in his room all day. If only they were here now, it would save me a ton of trouble.

I go back around to the front and pass the front door to the window where I bang on the sill. Biting my lip I snatch a rock from the ground and throw it through. I flip the lock and after removing all the shards of glass with another big rock, I climb through, only getting nipped on my hand.

Holding my bleeding fingers to my chest I get through the living room and find him sitting at the door with his head in his hands. "Ichigo." I've never said his name before out loud but just as the words 'I love you' came so naturally so did his name.

He doesn't look up at me so I collapse in front of him and put my hands upon his knees.

"Leave me alone, Inoue."

I shake my head. "No." Tough love, is what he needs. It's what he responds too. Rukia taught me that. It's what I'll give him in order to help him.

His face is hidden by his large hands but his voice reaches me through a coarse whisper, "Please. Just go."

I've never wanted to obey so badly in my life. I want to give him whatever he wants to make him happy. Tears build up in my eyes and I swallow harshly. "I won't leave you." I apologize with that response.

He snaps to his feet, surprising me with such movement I fall backward. I finally manage to see his face but his eyes are closed tight and he tries to angle his face away from me unsuccessfully. "Damn it just leave me alone, Inoue. I don't want you here." The harshness is cruel and I am unprepared for it. I shouldn't be though. After the gentleness, there is always a storm.

He steps around me and I scramble to my feet and chase after him. "Ichigo. You still have your friends. We're still here. You haven't lost anyone. Keigo and Tatsuki-chan. Your family. We're all still here because of you." He continues to ignore me going up the stairs and I'm on his heels. "We're not going anywhere. And we can go back to Soul Society any time we want and see Rukia and the others. They'll love to see you. This isn't the end."

He suddenly whirls on me in the hallway, "Go back?" He questions with narrowed brows. "I can never go back." He whispers to me. "You don't understand, Inoue. I don't expect you to."

He turns into his room and I don't know if I should follow. Perhaps I should go. He needs time. Time to figure this all out in his head. Time to get stronger. It's obvious I don't understand a lot things. Rukia would understand. Rukia would know what to do.

No, damn it.

I force myself through his doorway. I won't stand in her shadow forever. She may always be his first love, fine. But I won't put myself down for not being like her. I'm me. And I'll be strong if Ichigo needs someone strong. I'll be weak if he needs someone weak. I'll be happy if he needs someone happy and I'll be sad if he needs someone sad. While still being who I am. I wonder if that's possible.

Ichigo is slumped upon his bed but when I come through the door he lifts his head up with anger in his gaze. "Inoue. Enough. I don't know what you're trying to prove but please leave before I say something I'll regret."

"Why can't you go back?"

His eyes leave mine, to think of answer I consider until I realize that behind me is Rukia's closet. "I just can't." He finally replies.

"Yes you can. And you will. When Renji and Rukia get married." His head drops. "They're your friends, Ichigo."

His fingers pick at each other for a moment, his hair hiding his features from me before finally he bobs his head, "Fine." He looks up at me, still frustrated with my presence. "I'll go. But for now, can I please be alone?" He brushes pass me and goes to his door, holding it wide open for me.

He's never hurt me so openly before. It's probably because I've never stuck around to let him. I've never been here to see him at his worst. Rukia has always been the one. Now I know why. She's so much stronger than I am. I'm soft-hearted. I'm weak-willed. I break easily. I thought perhaps with how well I was handling with being second place I figured I was bit stronger than this. But with just a few words of carelessness on his part and already I feel tears burn my eyes. It's ridiculous really.

I wipe my cheek before I turn to face him. He's aggravation doesn't budge by my sadness. "I didn't think you could be so mean."

He closes his eyes as I head toward the door, "Inoue." He grasps my arm but I don't lift my head. "Please understand."

"I'm trying to help." I reply softly.

"I know. And thank you. But I'm really not in good place right now."

"That doesn't mean you have to treat me so badly."

The moment of reprieved is lost and Ichigo releases me somewhat harshly, whipping himself away, "You don't get it." He growls. "You haven't lost anything."

I face him, "I lost you, Ichigo." Tears are streaming down my face. "You died! I didn't think you ever coming back! This isn't like that. You still have Rukia and everyone else. They are still here. Just because you can't see them doesn't mean they're not here!"

He flips away from me and looks out the window silent.

My memories bring me back to the time I came through the wall and leaned over him while he slept. Just a few inches more and our lips would have touched.

I take a step forward and bring up a subject that I probably shouldn't. "Why'd you kiss me?"

He turns his head to me, "What?"

"Why'd you kiss me, Ichigo?"

Ichigo rounds his whole body and puts his hands in his pockets. "What does this have to do with anything?"

"Nothing. Everything." I smile but it's forced. "Why?"

He drops his eyes, coughs, shifts his feet. "I don't know."

"Do you like me?"

"You're one of my best friends, Inoue."

"Do you love Rukia?"

He scoffs. "She's shinigami, marrying Renji. No." He lies to me so easily. Now I don't want him to answer any of my other questions.

"You remember, I told you, I love you. Does that mean anything to you?"

His eyes are on the floor. "Yea."

Relief pours through me and I wipe my face of any remaining tears. With confidence renewed, I close the space between us and touch his face with my palms, gaining his eye contact.

"That's why I'm here, Ichigo. That's why I'm not leaving. I know this hurts you. I know how much you care about Rukia and Soul Society and being shinigami. I know it's a part of who you are. You feel like that's been ripped from you. You want to pretend like you gave it up willingly but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt any less. I want to stay with you. To help you, so you won't forget that not all of it was taken. So please. Let me help you."

His eyes close and he clenches his teeth. His hand grasps mine holding his cheek. "You helped me before." He whispers.

"I did?"

He nods against our hands. "When I was dying, or dead, or whatever I was. I heard you call for me. You cried out my name." His eyes open and his other hand lifts to wipe the tear from my cheek.

I had been ashamed of that. Even dead, I couldn't let him die. He transformed into a monster because I couldn't accept the fact that he couldn't save me. But here he is, saying it as if it was a good thing. Saying I 'helped' him. A burden lifted off my heart just as easy as that.

I wish I had that kind of power over him. I could heal this broken heart of his in an instant.

"Orihime." My attention snaps to him, only to realize how close his face has gotten. His cheeks are bright red, his eyes are lowered to my lips before rising again. "Can I kiss you again?"

The logical part screams out No! And wants to pull away and run far from him. He's only doing this because he's angry at the world, at Rukia, at everything. He's heartbroken and depressed and I'm here and in love. He's using me and I know it.

Yet even as tears roll down my cheeks and I lean against his chest and mold my lips against his, feeling his hands push against my back and mingle into my hair and I grip his shoulders as my knees weaken, I don't seem to care.

I may want words, words of love and devotion. I want to hear him tell me that one day he could love me. I want to hear him tell me he doesn't love Rukia. All I need is words. But perhaps he doesn't. He doesn't need words. He needs more than that. I may not understand his desperation right now, the way he clings to my hair nearly painfully or how his nails are digging into my skin with such intensity but how can I deny him what he so obviously needs?

If kissing him helps him, how can it be wrong?