Chapter Seventeen- As Though Nothing Happened

Preparation to return to Netherfield was put in motion that night; Bingley sent word to the servants to begin the arrangements. Bingley had a week of engagements he did not feel comfortable withdrawing from, so Darcy spent a week as one of his party and assisting in finalizing the arrangements. Caroline and Mrs. Hurst were not pleased and made no attempt to conceal their disappointment at their brother's plans. Bingley in turn revealed to them that he was informed of their actions with regard to Miss Bennet but he said no more on the subject. Darcy had subtly suggested that Bingley's return be in the form of a hunting party, not uncommon at this time or year and would give Bingley distance from his sisters who would otherwise discourage Bingley's true intentions.

The plans had been made and the night before they were expected to return to Netherfield Darcy felt an unexpected wave of discomfort. He was uneasy at the thought of seeing Miss Elizabeth Bennet again. The intimacy that had grown between them had developed through their circumstances, rather than design by either party. He was disappointed at the knowledge they were now forced to return to the appropriate level of priority. During his time in London, Darcy had occupied his mind with the task at hand to prevent himself from dwelling on her, but she returned to his thoughts when he was alone without an occupation.

He sat in a guest bedroom of his friend's, in an armchair, staring at a candle, deep in thought. It was the night before they were due to leave and Darcy had agreed to stay the night at Bingley's and depart with him at dawn for Hertfordshire. He took a sip of sherry in the hope that it would help relieve his current feeling of irritation.

Not an hour ago, Caroline had walked around the main living room watching him read, using her usual attempts to engage him in conversation. He'd answered her questions politely but continued with his book, enjoying what he was reading.

"I fear you are very dull this evening Mr. Darcy," she exclaimed in defeat, taking a seat in an armchair opposite him. "But I suppose I, too, would be depressed if I were forced to return to Hertfordshire."

"Dearest Caroline," Mr. Bingley exclaimed from the card table interrupting his game with Mr. and Mrs. Hurst. "I would not force Darcy to go anywhere with me."

"Indeed," Caroline agreed, smiling at Darcy with admiration as he looked at her crossly. "Mr. Darcy is a man who knows his own mind, I know could not be truly forced into anything."

Her flattery was wasted on him and nothing he did seemed to communicate this to Caroline successfully. "Your brother is correct; I travel to Hertfordshire content, Miss Bingley."

"Yes, but to travel to such society again," Caroline continued, glaring at her brother, who ignored her expression and continued his game. She looked at Mr. Darcy. "To return to such confined and unvaried society as you once described it, Mr. Darcy, with their quaint parties and dreadful people. And of course who could forget the Bennet's and your particular favourite, the plain and independent Elizabeth…"

"What?" Darcy snapped angrily at her. He saw Bingley, Mr. and Mrs. Hurst looked up in surprised as Caroline looked taken aback but his outburst. Unable to bring himself to apologise for his outburst, he looked away from them and said, "Excuse me." He stood and abruptly left the room, having to make the conscious effort not to slam the door behind him.

Caroline's words had been unjust and disgustingly rude, but Darcy's behaviour had been just as vulgar. But as he sat pondering his actions, he couldn't find remorse; at least he'd prevented himself from speaking any more. If he were a less prudent man, he would have argued with Caroline, informing her of her lack of judgment and naivety when it came to Miss Bennet. Perhaps in situations such as these the less said the better.

Darcy decided to sleep early, aware that he had an early start. He got into bed and blew out the candle, but lay quietly in the dark unable to make his mind rest. He'd never been a good sleeper and when anything was playing on his mind he became restless. He was both happy and uneasy at the chance to see Elizabeth again, not knowing if he would be seeing her at all. They were going to Netherfield as a hunting party, so there was no need for them to socialize with the families at Meryton unless they received an invitation. How Bingley's situation with Jane was abruptly interrupted, he was uncertain how the Bennets would react to their return.

Darcy had felt the closeness between himself and Elizabeth most strongly in those last days at Brighton, and he had dared to hope that her feelings towards him had improved. She was a woman who didn't hide her feelings, so he believed if she still had decided against him, she would show such feelings openly. But once Elizabeth had returned to the comfortable familiarity of her home and the company of her favourite sister, would her feelings towards him change? Would Jane's presence remind her of the consequences of Darcy's action? The other way Darcy could keep himself sane was to focus on the task at hand and hope that he was successful in his quest to reunite Bingley and Jane. It was the only way to make amends for what he had done and his only chance of winning Elizabeth.

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Darcy dreamt of the first time he'd watched his sister play the piano with Elizabeth. He watched from his position on the lounge as Elizabeth and Georgiana played their duet beautifully. The ladies smiled and laughed as they played the jig, both of them, by their own admission, not accomplished at duets. Darcy would not have known; he watched them perform together with much pleasure. The music was not played with perfection, but he enjoyed Elizabeth's calm expression as she focused on difficult passages and felt his heart warm when Elizabeth would whisper something to make Georgiana laugh. Their instant attachment had made him hopeful once again, had made him fantasize about Elizabeth living in this house in a way he'd never dared before.

Elizabeth was dressed plainly, but her natural grace and warmth made her look born to live at Pemberly. He'd watched as she'd been shown different rooms of her house during her stay and she studied them in awe. Despite the circumstances of her stay, he'd loved watching her move around the house as though she lived there.

When the song was over he applauded them as they stood and curtsied politely. Georgiana sat back down and began playing a song while Elizabeth walked away from the pianoforte and towards him, a wide smile gracing her face.

"How did I perform, Mr. Darcy? Was I satisfactory?" she asked, her warm eyes bright with amusement.

"Satisfactory is a word that would never give you justice," he answered and she sat beside him.

In that moment the music could still be heard but Georgiana blurred from the picture and Elizabeth leaned close, her body hesitant but her expression curious. "Do you think I will make a good mistress of Pemberly?" she asked her eyes uncertain.

He boldly reached out and cupped her face, stroking her cheek. "A fine mistress indeed," he answered and brought her face to his to kiss her deeply.

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Elizabeth sighed into the kiss and gasped as Mr. Darcy opened his mouth against hers. Her breathing increased and she felt his free hand wrap around her waist. He broke the kiss to kiss gently along her jaw to her neck and she kept her eyes closed to focus on the strong sensations.

The feeling of his hand changed, tightening and trying to pull her body closer to his. She gasped and her instinct made her put her hands on his chest to push him away. He felt different somehow and she opened her eyes. She cried out when she saw Wickham's face looking back at her. Lizzy pulled away and his hands grasped her wrists.

"I saw how much you wanted me," he whispered and pulled her forward.

"No!" she said angrily and pushed him away, the surroundings were so dark and blurred she couldn't make out where she was. She leaned forward to stand up and he grabbed her, sharply pushing her down against the lounge. Her hands pushed against his chest as he leaned over her and kissed her.

"No," she cried out against his mouth and bit him, causing him to swear and glare at her.

"You want me to be the villain?" he spat angrily. "Fine!" Wickham grabbed hold of her dress and ripped it open, revealing her petticoats to him.

"NO!"

"Lizzy…"

"No,"

"Lizzy, wake up." She was shaken awake by Jane's voice and her hand on her shoulder. Lizzy gasped as she awoke suddenly and unaware of her surroundings. "Lizzy, it's all right, you were dreaming again."

"Oh," Lizzy sighed and rubbed her face with her hands.

"Dear Lizzy, I wish you did not have such nightmares," Jane said with concern.

"Oh Jane, do not fuss," Lizzy said with too greater effort to be casual. "I do not even remember the dreams once I am awake, so they can't be of significance."

Jane looked at Lizzy with a raised eyebrow. "You can say that all you like, but I know you remember them by the look on your face."

"Perhaps you know me too well," Lizzy conceded. "But it doesn't make the dreams any more important."

"But I'm concerned; you are afraid of something," Jane said rubbed her sister's arm. "Are you afraid of Wickham?"

Lizzy shook her head and hugged her knees. "No, I don't know what I'm afraid of. How can one even be afraid of things when you know it won't happen? I don't understand how my mind works when it sleeps, I truly don't."

"Well, I think our dreams reveal what our mind won't allow us to conceive while we are awake," Jane said with a smile. "My dreams are filled with memories of happier times, sometimes ones I don't wish to remember." She looked saddened and Lizzy shared her pain.

"I fear that my dreams are reminding me of what I cannot have," Lizzy remarked sadly. "As perhaps yours do."

Jane did not answer, looked away for a moment before changing the subject. "We should try and sleep."

"Yes," Lizzy agreed and lay down, turning away from her sister to sleep on her side.

Lizzy wondered as she lie there what her dream had meant. She wasn't afraid of Wickham; she knew he would never return to their society, particularly for the reason her dream gave away. When she had previously dreamt in such a manner, she'd assumed it to be a result of what had happened to her in the road when those men attempted to force themselves on her. They were men she was afraid of, who gave her truly awful nightmares. She shuddered, focusing her mind on thoughts of Mr. Darcy, the man who'd brought her comfort then and still made her feel safe just thinking about him. She wondered what it would have been liked if he had kissed that night at Brighton, what his lips would have felt like.

In a moment of indulgence, Lizzy closed her eyes and relaxed as she imagined the weight of his body sinking into the bed as he lie beside her, his arm draping easily around her waist and holding her against his warm, firm body. She could feel his breath on her neck, his hand grazing along her arm gently as he slept beside her. Lizzy soon relaxed as she thought about his arms around her, helping her drift into a restful sleep.

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Lizzy was distracted from her embroidery the following afternoon by Lydia's melodramatic sigh. "Mama," Lydia whined dropping her bonnet on the table. "I've been mending this for hours; can't Kitty and I go into town?"

Mrs. Bennett continued to work on her own embroidery and said mildly. "Your father has forbidden any trips to town unless it's to formal occasions or you are chaperoned by one of your elder sisters."

Lydia looked hopefully at the two eldest Miss Bennets who were sitting beside one another in their usual lounge. "No, Lydia," Elizabeth answered, having already made Jane promise that both of them would do nothing to ease Lydia's punishment.

"Please," she pleaded. "I'm going spare cooped up in the house all day; won't you at least let me walk with you when you go for your evening walk?" Lydia pleaded holding her hands together.

"Papa said you were not to go out unless there was true need for it," Jane said sadly. "It would be wrong of us to disregard his word when he's made his feeling on the subject quite clear."

"Papa won't mind me walking with Lizzy. She's already proven herself an exemplary chaperone, will he Mama?"

Mrs. Bennet smiled at her daughter and sighed. "Well, I do not understand his reasons for punishing you, Lydia. I suppose if you stay out for no more than an hour with Lizzy; he cannot deny you fresh air."

Lydia was thrilled as Lizzy glared at her mother before standing and getting herself ready for her walk immediately. She knew she wouldn't enjoy it as much when she wasn't granted her usual solitude.

Lizzy left the house with Lydia beside her and walked quietly through the gardens towards the land that was owned by her father but wasn't often used. It was the fields between their estate and Netherfield's, another estate that was being neglected of late.

"How long do you think Father will continue to punish me?" Lydia asked sighing as she walked along beside Lizzy struggling to keep up with her sister's fast stride.

"Not as long as you deserve, I'm sure," was Lizzy's answer.

"How can you be mad at me? We were spared any scandal and I'm returned unmarried."

"Lydia, such a scandal should never have been risked. After everything that happened at Brighton you still can't be ignorant of your mistakes."

"Of course not, Lizzy. But I made those mistakes, I have accepted it and am trying to move on from it, but I can't when the world hates me for making them when any true consequences have been avoided." Lydia explained with annoyance.

"True consequences? Have you no conscious of what you risked this family? What you brought our Uncle through to save you?" Lizzy snapped angrily as she walked faster.

Lydia did look unhappy for a moment. "I am sorry for I have done, but perhaps you will understand one day when you fall in love. You would do anything, be anything for them."

"You should never have to change who you are for someone, never. They should love you for who are you and nothing less," Lizzy replied stubbornly.

"That is easier said than done, Lizzy. Even when they don't expect it you want it for them. You will understand." Lydia said in a tone that implied greater wisdom than Lizzy knew she possessed and she resisted the urge to roll her eyes.

But Lizzy didn't speak unsure of whether or not Lydia was right. Did she want to be different for Mr. Darcy? Had she changed for him? He'd never expected it. But they weren't courting, so their situation was different from what would considered normal in their society.

"But I am grateful for what you did for me," Lydia added in a moment of fear. "Please help me tame Papa. I just hope that Uncle and Mr. Darcy won't tell him anymore than necessary."

"You need not worry about Mr. Darcy, Lydia; he will keep our secret," Lizzy said quietly as she walked beside her through the grassy field.

"I believe he will," Lydia said in a voice resembling her former self. "He was so different than the gentleman we saw in Meryton, don't you think Lizzy? So strong and commanding while gentlemanly and kind; I was quite surprised to find him an ally for us."

Lizzy swallowed as Lydia expressed Mr. Darcy's decent traits; somehow hearing them aloud made her heart beat faster. "Indeed, you saw what a true gentleman is. Mr. Darcy protected us and will now protect our secret; he is what many man should model themselves on."

"But he is a man far too serious," Lydia observed as she picked some wildflowers. "I fear he would be dull if there was nothing I needed saving from."

Lizzy laughed and pondered her younger sister's comment. True, in her short time with him he appeared to be constantly at her aid, but she could never see Mr. Darcy as a dull man. "He's quiet, but intelligent, I believe," she added casually. "I suppose you would require a closer acquaintance to truly know how 'dull' he might be."

"It is a pity you dislike him so, Lizzy; I think he might favour you. He was extremely quick to leap to your aid."

Lizzy sighed and said, "Lydia, we aren't characters in a romance novel; a true gentleman would leap to a woman's aid no matter how he felt about her."

"I wish I had the opportunity to encounter men as gentlemanly as Mr. Darcy," Lydia sighed as she looked out towards the grounds of the Netherfield estate.

"There aren't one in a hundred with gentleman so plainly written across them as Mr. Darcy. But I'm pleased that you are improving your standards; you deserve a decent man as a husband." Lizzy smiled at her sister.

Lydia was offended by Lizzy's statement though. "I haven't chosen men in the past who I did not believe were decent," she snapped. "I believed them to be truly wonderful."

Lizzy felt a twinge of sympathy for Lydia despite everything; she'd had her heart truly broken by Wickham. "I know, Lydia. I'm sorry."

Lydia looked away and picked a daisy from a nearby bush. Lizzy sat on the grass and assembled a banquet of wildflowers from the selection around her. She missed Mr. Darcy and speaking about him had brought him to her mind. She longed to see him, to recover that intimacy and their honest conversations that had made her feel so close to him for that brief time. She sighed and used a long thin stem to tie a knot in the banquet.

"Lizzy!" Lydia shrieked causing Lizzy to stand up abruptly and search for her sister. Her cry came from the west and Lizzy ran to search for her as she heard Lydia call out her name again.

Lizzy found Lydia behind a large oak tree bouncing with excitement and pointing towards the Netherfield. "Lydia," Lizzy said sternly. "What in heaven's name do you think you are doing?"

Ignoring her sister, Lydia grabbed Lizzy by the arm and maneuvered her towards the estate. "Look!" she exclaimed excitedly.

Lizzy followed where her sister was directing her and saw the beautiful house, apparently empty. But the shutters were open, some windows had been open and to her amazement smoked billowed from some of the fireplaces. "He's back!" Lydia exclaimed and started to pull Lizzy away. "We must get home and tell Mama; she will be thrilled!"

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A/N: I hope you enjoyed this chapter and I'm sorry again for such the long break between chapters but, you know how life is. I've also had a severe case of writer's block involving this part of my story. I know where I want it to go but getting there is a real pain sometimes. I hope it's been worth the wait and I can assure you the good stuff is coming soon. We are getting to the end of this story, but this is going to be part one of a trilogy. The sequels are going to be To Love, Hold and Protect: Engagement and To Love, Hold and Protect: Marriage. For anyone who reads Author Notes I'm hoping you will be excited by this. I'm working on chapters for each of the new stories to give my faithful readers as previews for when this story comes to a conclusion. Thank you for everyone who is standing by this story and I will try to update soon.