For Micheaela

Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word

Sipping her scotch slowly, Em tried to form her thoughts into words. Dave had finally done what none of the rest of the team had - putting her on the spot and asking for an explanation. No, she thought bitterly, demanding is more like it.

She just had to figure out where to start.

The crackling of the fire filled the room as the occupants sat in silence. The clicking of Mudgie's nails on the hardwood floor sounded as he walked over to Em and laid his head down in her lap. Forcing a smile, she patted his head. He gave her a whine as though telling her that he understood and everything was going to be alright.

With a sigh, the black Lab pulled back, turned around, and went over to his bed by the fireplace. Turning three times, he fell on to the plush cushion with a heavy thump. His eyes darted from Dave to Em and back again.

"I don't think you want to know what happened in the year I was gone," Em spoke softly from the couch.

"If I didn't want to know," Dave replied carefully, "I wouldn't have asked. I would have ordered you out of here when you came back."

"Why can't we just call it a day, leave it in the past, and move on?" Em asked.

"Because you owe me. For all those nights I cried myself to sleep and fought against the nightmares of seeing you in Morgan's arms dying from a wound I couldn't prevent. You owe me for all the nights I poured my soul out in Church."

"I…" Em started then stopped. She wanted to say that one simple word to make things better, but it wouldn't come.

Dave held up his hand. "Don't say it," he warned. "Not unless you mean it."

"I…I wasn't."

"Bullshit. You want to. You think that if you say it, it will wipe out everything and wrap it all up in fancy paper with a bow. I don't want fancy paper and a bow, Emily, I want the truth. What happened? Why did you run when you could have told the truth?"

"Because you would have forced me to stay!" Em flared angrily. "You would have tried to persuade me to stay with the team or here where you could protect me! And you wouldn't have been able to; no one could have!"

"Because you didn't give us a chance! You took it upon yourself to go renegade and try to take on a terrorist!"

"I didn't have a choice!"

"We all have choices, Emily. Some are right, some are wrong…some go by the wayside….but we all have choices! My choice would have been to help you. Your choice was to run."

"That's not fair, Dave."

Dave's eyes widened with surprise. "Fair? You want to talk about fair? Was it fair that I was haunted by visions of you every night for months? Was it fair that the team got to see me break down and sob like a child when JJ announced that you didn't make it off the table? Was it fair that I never got the chance to tell you how I felt?" he threw back at her.

"I had to do it!"

"At what price, Emily? Your honour? Our trust? The reputation of the FBI?" he replied sarcastically.

"Don't guilt me more than I feel." Em took another gulp of her scotch.

"Guilt you? I don't think you've had enough guilt! You waltzed back into the FBI as though seven months were seven minutes and we were supposed to forgive you."

"I saved your lives!"

"You destroyed our lives!" Dave roared and stood up. "The team was fractured in a way it never had been. It survived Elle and Jason. It survived Reid and Hotch - although it was cracked - but YOU fractured it with your inability to trust and your desire to hide the truth about your past!"

"You've had your secrets too! Your driving a man to his grave with doubts about his wife's fidelity and the cold case you shut us out of…you're not spotless!" Em returned just as angrily.

"I never denied who I am. I never lied and put my friends' lives in jeopardy! I never hid the truth that resulted in the unnecessary deaths of countless people because I stole the son of a terrorist!" Dave shouted, his voice bouncing off the walls.

Unused to level of anger, Mudgie quickly moved from the bed and ran up the stairs.

Swallowing hard, Em set her glass down on the coffee table. Standing up, she thanked the darkness for hiding her shaking legs.

"I think we've said all we can tonight," she stated quietly.

"Where do you think you're going?"

"Coming here was a bad idea. I think I need to go."

"The hell you're going to walk out that door before we've finished this discussion!"

"Discussion?" Em snorted. "Mudgie ran upstairs."

"He'll get over it. You're not leaving until you talk to me."

Em shook her head. "There is nothing to talk about. You hate me. The team hates me. And I…I hate myself."

"I don't hate you, Emily."

"Right."

"Now that's priceless. A liar calling me a liar."

"I'm out of here!" Em tried to keep her balance as she made her way to the door.

"You can't drive," Dave called out. "At least not legally. Unless you want to tack on a DUI to the long list that's already following you."

Em's hand froze on the door handle. He had set her up good. There was no way she could drive home after consuming what she had. And there was no way she could sleep it off in the car. She was stuck.

Closing her eyes, she emitted a prayer for strength. Then she turned around to face Dave.

"Okay. You win. I'll stay." Her shoulders slumped in defeat. Slowly, she walked over to the couch and sat down. Her sobs filled the quiet.

Dave's lips twitched as the minutes passed by slowly.

"Are you done feeling sorry for yourself?" he asked.

A sniffle was Em's only response.

"Good," Dave replied dispassionately. "Now answer my question: what happened to you while you were gone?"