"How can you have got me so wrong?" Harry asked quietly. "I have done some stupid things in my life. My affairs with other women are definitely in the top five and Elena Gavrik is top of the list. I should never have done it for so many reasons."
"Is the fact that she was married one of them?" Ruth asked. Then she realised that had sounded very snide. "Sorry," she said briefly.
"Ruth, I was young and it was exciting. I had been trusted by my superiors to go to Berlin on a long operation and it was thrilling. I was surrounded by beautiful women, and yes, I had a long affair with Elena Gavrik which I shouldn't have done. It was reckless and stupid. But it's in the past and it certainly doesn't lessen my current feelings for you."
"Harry…" she shook her head sadly.
"I grew up and realised I'd made a complete hash of my life. I'd hardened my heart to everything and everyone around me. I decided that I'd lost my wife and there wasn't anyone in the world for me. Because no one would look at me or my history and believe I'd changed. Then I met you. And so quickly I realised there just wouldn't be anyone else. It wouldn't matter what happened. If you vanished back off to GCHQ, or if God help me you died, it wouldn't change the way I feel."
"You don't show it and it's so easy for you to say though," Ruth said quietly.
"No it isn't. Do you have any idea how hard this is for me to say?" Harry asked her. He closed the gap and took one of her hands in his. He waited for a few seconds but then felt her fingertips curl slightly around his, making him feel a touch of relief.
"Harry, do you know how hard it is to see you when you catch sight of her. You have feelings for her. I see it all over your face."
"Guilt. Regret. Nothing more. And I hate how much her presence hurts you. I can see that in your face."
"I'm sorry I'm so transparent," she said, still looking at the floor. Harry crouched down and made her look at him, their eyes connecting and things being passed in the silence.
"I love you, never think that's a lie." He closed the gap and gently caressed her lips with his own. It was brief and she didn't respond at all so he backed away quickly, straightening up as her face returned to the floor. "Clearly you don't have feelings for me. I'll just… Leave you alone. Once we get out of this damn office."
"It isn't that Harry," she said honestly, standing up. "I'm scared," she admitted. "I see you look at women, like Elena with that ghost of feeling in your eyes. There's two things I fear. I hate the feeling that you might replace me with one of these women. But most of all, I couldn't bear it if you looked at me the way you look at her. Such disappointment, it would hurt me. So it isn't that I feel nothing for you, it's the opposite. I feel too much. I'm too old to have my heart broken, because if you do it won't be fixed."
Her eyes were swimming with tears that she wasn't allowing to fall and he felt reassured. "Ruth, I haven't looked at another woman in nine year. Only you. I haven't dreamed of spending my life with. Except you. I can't promise that I won't let you down, and I can't promise that you won't be disappointed in me from time to time, because I'm not a decent man."
"Yes you are," she interrupted. "You wouldn't feel the guilt if you weren't."
"But I can promise you that I love you now, and I always will no matter what happens between us." Harry watched her as she seemed busy thinking. But then he'd expect nothing less from her after all. She looked at him and instinctively kept his mouth shut, knowing she was coming to her own conclusion. He felt elated when her hand rose ever so slowly and gently placed it on her cheek, feeling warm skin under her fingertips with the lightest pressure. He waited and saw the slightest change in her eyes. They were twinkling in the way they used to whenever she looked at him and he felt his heart lighten considerably. She leaned in and gently brushed her lips against his. He reacted but ever so softly, not wanting to push her too fast. It had taken so long to get here. He placed a hand on the small of her back as their lips kept touching and caressing each other. Tentatively he darted his tongue to taste the corner of her lips, scared she was going to push him away. It took perhaps a second before she reacted and opened her mouth to him, and the taste of him was heavenly to her. Finally their mouths were joining properly for the first time and she felt like she was flying. Everything she knew was being turned on its head in the best possible way.
Suddenly she heard a noise and broke away from him, his hand still on her back. She felt his warmth vanish a second later and turned seeing Erin in the now unlocked door. A blush crept up her cheeks as it became clear that they'd been seen.
"I found the keys," Erin said.
"I have to go," Ruth said quickly leaving the office. Harry could do nothing but watch her go.