What Just Happened?

What Cody Doesn't Know

"This oughta cure what ails ya."

Rhodes rolled over. He swallowed the pills with minimum fuss before introducing his face to the pillow once again.

Medicine dispensed, Ted returned to his laptop. After several minutes, he was gifted with the deep, even breaths of an unconscious roommate. He settled back into the pillows and let himself get lost in the wonders of the interweb.

It was in the middle of a lengthy and convoluted conversation with CleverBot that Ted realized something was amiss. From the corner of his eye, he saw Cody raise his head. The man looked left, looked right, then looked down at his pillow as if it were the answer from Final Jeopardy.

"I want pizza," Cody finally said. His eyes locked with Ted, who simply stared at him. "You want pizza?"

Ted watched him very closely for a few seconds. Rhodes' eyes were indeed open, and he blinked with regularity. His speech wasn't slurred and he didn't mistake his roommate for an Ewok. So Ted figured the kid was okay. "No, thanks. You feeling okay?"

"Fine," said Cody. He swung his legs over the edge of the bed. "Want pizza, though. Really bad. Like a craving. Never had a craving for pizza before." His fingers picked at the bedspread. "Once had a mad craving for Thai food. Ate so much pad Thai I thought my stomach would explode. But it didn't." Cody nodded absentmindedly. "You sure you don't want pizza?"

"Definitely sure."

Cody frowned. "I don't want to have pizza by myself. I'll look pathetic eating alone."

"No, you won't."

"Yes, I will." Cody stood up and began to pace around the bed. He started on one side, walked around the foot of the bed until he came to the other side, and then reversed. "I will look sad and pathetic. Like those dogs in those animal cruelty commercials with that singer that doesn't make albums anymore because she's too busy making commercials about abused animals. Plus, I don't think people buy albums anymore. Or call them albums." He stopped pacing and fixed Ted with an intense look. "Do people still call them albums?"

From his tone, this seemed to be a very important question. One that ranked just under the meaning of life.

Scrutiny doubled, Ted slowly said, "I'm not sure. Want me to Google it?" When in doubt, Ted turned to Google.

Cody waved a dismissive hand. He gave up pacing in favor of folding and unfolding his shirt sleeves. "Maybe I'll get Zack to have pizza with me. That way I won't be kicked puppy pathetic."

"Zack Ryder?" asked Ted. He set aside his laptop, giving Cody his full attention. "Do you like Zack Ryder?"

Cody shrugged his shoulders. Several times, in fact. "I like him well enough to have pizza. Do people from Long Island like pizza or is that a stereotype? Don't Google it. It's not that important." In a flash, Cody whipped off his shirt. "It's hot in here! Are you hot? Don't bother Googling that. There are some things Google doesn't know."

On the one hand, Ted was very intrigued by Cody's behavior. He could not precisely attribute it to the medication, but he had a suspicion. It occurred to him that he'd best keep a close eye on Cody and document the proceedings. Which led him to the other hand, which was preoccupied with not going to prison for giving his friend a non-FDA approved drug.

"Are you sure you're okay, Cody?"

"I'm fine." He furiously fanned himself. "Just hot. Maybe I should've taken the Midol. Could be a hot flash. Do men get hot flashes? You ask Google while I call Zack."

While Cody made his phone call, Ted picked up a sheet of the hotel's stationary and a pen. He jotted down a quick note. Side effects may include: increase body temperature, listlessness, change in behavior, and convoluted thought.

"Ryder's in," Cody announced. "We're having pizza." He headed for the door.

Ted jumped up and grabbed him by the elbow, holding him back. "I'll come, too." At least if he ended up being judged by a jury of his peers, his defense attorney could claim he had supervised the unknowing test subject.

Proving to be at the top of his mental faculties, Cody stated, "You said you didn't want any pizza."

"I don't." Ted looked into his eyes. They appeared clear and alert. "But the fresh air will do me good. I spend too much time with my laptop. Afraid I'll assimilate and become a cyborg."

Cody cracked a smile. "I'd want to have wings."

"What?"

"If I had a super power," he clarified. "I'd want to have wings. Great big ones. Maybe eight feet across. And that dark shade of black that's almost blue. Yeah…" Cody's smile widened. "Wings are cool." He dropped his smile and tugged his arm free. "Come on. Zack and pizza are waiting."

Before he got two steps away, Ted latched on again. "You need a shirt."

Cody looked down at his bare chest. He seemed to notice it for the first time. "I knew that. I was just testing you." He pulled free and headed for his suitcase.

Ted decided to take the entire stationary pad with him. He sensed he'd need the notes later. "I don't know whether this belongs on FML or My Life Is Average."

Fully dressed, they left the hotel room. Zack Ryder stood waiting in the hall. Even though it was well into the evening, he wore sunglasses.

"We're in luck, boys." Zack grinned as they approached. "There's a pizza place only a few blocks away."

Cody asked, "Is it wrong to assume that you like pizza just because you're from Long Island?"

The question gave Ryder pause. "Yes… Yes, it is. Then again, you rarely run into anyone who doesn't like pizza."

"What if they're lactose intolerant?" Cody bounced on the balls of his feet. "Or they have a citrus allergy that prevents them from having anything with tomatoes?"

Again, Zack paused. He peeked around Cody's bouncing body to Ted, who stood behind him. "Is he for real or am I about to get kicked in the junk in about eighteen seconds?"

Before Ted could answer, Cody interjected, "Do either of you have Wade's number?"

Zack and Cody shared a look. The first of many to come.

Being the cause of what was sure to be an incredible amount of trouble, Ted asked the obvious question. "Why?"

Cody looked at him as if he didn't have the sense God gave a goat. It was as insulting and condescending an expression as ever to cross his face. "Because I want to invite him for pizza." Getting nothing but blank stares, Cody quit bouncing and turned on his heels. "Fine. I'll ask the front desk which room he's in."

Zack and Ted watched him head for the stairs.

Clearing his throat, Zack took off his sunglasses. He tucked them into his jacket pocket. "I have a number of questions."

"I'll bet you do."

"Starting with what, in the name of Vince McMahon's jockey shorts, is wrong with him?"

Ted briefly wondered if telling Zack the truth would turn Ryder from an innocent witness to a codefendant. If he was going to be along for the ride, he might as well find out the destination. "I kind of gave Cody something."

"Something?" repeated Zack.

"A pill."

"A pill?"

"For pain relief."

"Pain relief?"

"Currently experimental and not officially on the market." Ted cut Ryder off as soon as he opened his mouth. "And I've got enough troubles without you giving me the parrot treatment. Suffice to say that there are some unforeseen side effects and it would be in the interest of all parties if we kept an eye on Cody until the medication is out of his system."

Shock written all over his face, Zack slumped against the wall. "All I wanted was some pizza!"

Cody stepped off the elevator. He breezed past the two men, heading down the hall. "Wade's at the other end."

Zack and Ted fell in behind him. They had to jog a bit to keep up.

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" asked Zack. "What if something goes wrong?" They worked in a business where things could go very wrong, very quickly.

Cody scoffed. "What's the worst that could happen? It's only pizza."

"Sure… Harold and Kumar only wanted White Castle and look what they went through."

They found the room easily enough. Cody knocked without hesitation.

The door swung open. Wade Barrett stood before them. He didn't need to utter a word. The man oozed arrogance and conceit.

"It might be a stretch, but can I help you?"

"Can I have your phone number?" Cody stepped forward. Well into Barrett's personal space. "I promise I won't do anything weird, like send you pictures of my junk. Why do people do that, anyway?"

For the briefest of moments, Wade was at a loss for words. "What?"

"Send pictures of their junk? I would think that if the person being sent the picture had wanted to receive the picture, then that person would have taken the picture in the first place when they had seen the person in person."

Again, Wade found himself lacking the appropriate vocabulary to deal with the madness standing before him. He leaned in close, as if the proximity would somehow make him understand the workings of the young man's mind. "What?"

"Also, do you like pizza? I ask because Zack said that most everybody likes pizza and I said that that's not true and Ted said…" Cody paused. "Well, Ted didn't say anything. Anyway, I figured I'd ask you as the deciding vote."

Wade studied each of their faces. His eyes rested on Zack. "Is this a gag?"

"If it is," said Ryder, "then we're both getting kicked in the nuts."

Cody laid a hand on Wade's shoulder and gave him his most endearing smile. "Come with us for pizza. My treat."

Wade was too confused to bother peeling Cody's fingers off his person. Again, he looked to Zack Ryder for guidance. "Seriously, though, is he for real?"

"At least for the next six to eight hours," said Ted.

Cody's hand drifted up Wade's arm, across his shoulder, and down his chest. His fingers lingered over the glossy black buttons of his shirt. "Loosen up my buttons, baby, but you keep fronting. Saying what you going to do to me, but I ain't seen nothing."

The wide, scandalized eyes of Wade Barrett were highly comical. Zack whipped out his phone, activating the video camera to forever memorialize the moment Cody Rhodes went off his rocker.

"Tell me, Ted," Zack said as Cody popped open the top button. "Where in the pamphlet does it mention Pussycat Dolls karaoke?"

When Cody tried to pry the next button open, Wade smacked his hand away. "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't break your fingers as well as your neck!"

"Contractual obligation," said Ted.

"Lack of adequate disposal of a body," suggested Zack.

"Someone's bound to miss him."

"He does have quite the following."

"And you might end up deported."

Cody put an end to all arguments. Capturing Wade's face in his hands, Cody kissed him with a ferocity that left the man staggering. He took advantage of Barrett's stunned state. Fully utilized his talented mouth until he was completely satisfied. Only then did Cody withdraw. "I wanna cover you in zesty marinara sauce and lick off every last bit."

For Zack and Ted, that was their cue to leave. At full speed. Each grabbing an arm, they hauled Cody off of the surprisingly silent man. They left Wade standing in his doorway.

"Sorry for the inconvenience!" shouted Ted.

Zack snapped a quick salute. "It's been a pleasure!"

The anxious pair dragged Cody down the hallway. They didn't stop until they reached the Dibiase/Rhodes room. Once safely inside, they deposited their cargo into the nearest chair.

Zack collapsed into the opposite chair. "I can safely say that that was the strangest display of affection I have ever witnessed. Score one for pharmaceutical mishaps."

The sound of the toilet flushing carried from the bathroom. Ted walked into the sitting area, empty pill bottle in hand. "No one, and I mean no one, should ever get their hands on that stuff again. It could get a person killed."

"Or get them laid," noted Ryder. "Same coin, different side."

"Whatever." Ted tossed the empty bottle into the trash. "I'm just saying that it's a dangerous substance."

Cody raised his hand. "I never got my pizza…" His voice was whisper soft. He blinked owlishly at the two men. "Marinara…" Eyes sliding shut, he pitched forward.

Acting quickly, Zack rushed forward and caught Cody before he hit the floor.

"Tell me he isn't dead. I'd hate to have gone through all that for him to drop dead right now." Ted came to Ryder's aid. He looped an arm around his neck; Zack did the same. Together, they managed to get him to the bed. "After all this time, I'm still carrying your weight, Rhodes."

After checking to make sure their colleague had not, in fact, expired, the two stood over Cody's sleeping form. If their luck held out, Cody wouldn't remember a thing.

Ted extended a hand to Zack. "Let us never speak of this again. We take this to our graves."

"Deal." Zack shook on it. "But tell that to Wade Barrett."