Annie couldn't concentrate. For many different reasons, she just couldn't compel herself to finish the last bit of homework that she needed to get done. Her thoughts were ruling her once again and she was finding it difficult to focus. She absentmindedly wondered how some would rank certain negative emotions on a scale of only-if-necessary to hell-no-never. She would personally much prefer regret to anxiety. She would 9 times out of 10 take anger over confusion. In that particular moment she would much rather be experiencing fear rather than the seemingly mind-numbing doubt that was creeping into her subconscious and causing her to second guess and rethink her actions.
It had been two days since the unexpected late night text from Jeff. After her staunch refusal, the following two days had been difficult. It was as if she had flipped a switch in him. It was as if he was taking a page out of her own book, or just giving her one of the things she had asked for, depending on how you look at it.
He wasn't talking to her. He wasn't even looking at her. It was as if she didn't exist to him, and while she completely understood why he was acting that way, part of her hurt deeply at the realization.
After all, he had reached out to her, twice as a matter a fact, and she hadn't been willing to hear what he had to say either times. It could have been important, or poignant or decisive. But was that just her naive, fanatical hope talking? Was she giving him too much credit? Or who knows, maybe she wasn't giving him enough. Maybe she was going about this entire thing the wrong way. Yes, she did firmly believe that he owed her some form of clarification or an explanation but maybe she was going about acquiring it the incorrect way. Jeff was a tricky, enigmatic being. Just because he wasn't admitting to the same feelings that she harbored so intensely, did not necessarily mean he was void of feeling anything substantial for her. Should she really hold their friendship hostage because he wouldn't (or couldn't, though that's debatable) express whatever it was he felt, the way that she wanted him to? Was she wrong, selfish, misguided, TOO hopeful?
No. She didn't fully believe that she was wrong for wanting even a small semblance of honesty, but she did feel a bit of unease regarding the way everything unfolded. Especially with how emotionally unraveled she had become in the middle of the study room when he had apologized. Replaying that moment over and over in her head made a sensation of regret form in the pit of her stomach. They were going to have to talk eventually and hopefully he wasn't entirely over the situation and her subsequent avoidance of him. Maybe she needed to try a different method.
Doubt was a tricky, dangerous thing. And it currently had Annie snugly by the throat.
Jeff couldn't be sure whether or not he was doing the right thing. But that subtle bit of uncertainty that was creeping up from his stomach to expand across his chest, paled in comparison to the agonizing frustration and exasperation that he currently felt reverberating throughout his entire body.
He'd been sitting in his car in the parking lot in front of her apartment for 15 entire minutes thinking about what he was going to say. It wasn't like him to think through things beforehand with any sort of preparation. He was more of an on-the-spot type of individual. Things just usually came to him in waves and he managed to deliver them verbally with a certain type of impact. But for some reason, for the past 15 minutes he had been sitting in his car trying to distinguish what he should say to her once he finally got over this silly little bout of avoidance.
A tiny part of him wanted to be rational and even felt sorry. But that part was slowly diminishing as the minutes wore on. They should have had this conversation days ago. When his apologetic, regretful quota had been so much bigger. His feelings had somehow shifted into a more troublesome, darker, unrelenting type of territory. Now he was more pissed than anything else. He could feel his irritation radiating through him, it made him more exhausted than he already was. Sleep was still being elusive. Though now he realized what exactly was causing his lack of slumber. He'd had an idea of why but hadn't really wanted to admit it head on. He still didn't want to. Which was one of the reasons he was so mad. He didn't like being made to feel a certain way. He didn't like feeling manipulated. Or like he didn't have the upper hand. Or like he was slowly crumbling from lack of control. It was all so unnerving. He hated it. It had to end.
So while he should have probably been constructing something that resembled an apology, he kept coming back to things that were on the other side of the spectrum. Things that would probably require even more apologies in the future. He couldn't think straight. It was maddening. He didn't want to hurt her. That's the last thing he wanted. That's why this entire thing was taking place. He wanted to protect her from him. At this point he was at war with himself. He didn't want to crush her but he didn't want to continue to feel helpless and maneuvered.
He felt certain that she must know how this was effecting him, how he was a mix of different things and how he couldn't manage to find the right words to set this thing right. He was certain that he shouldn't give in to her, no matter how much he wanted to. Their relationship was already an amassment of undefinable variables. He was aware of how unfair he was to her on occasion and acknowledging her effect on him, albeit unwillingly, was difficult and scary. He didn't know what else he could do. He didn't know what else he could give her besides an apology and the sincere concerted effort towards normalizing their friendship. He couldn't give her what she wanted. Not really. Not without absolutely wrecking her emotional well-being, and his, in the process.
Annie sat straight up in her chair when she heard a knock at the door. She didn't move for about thirty seconds before she looked at the clock. She knew it was late. Way later than her creepy landlord ever knocked on her door to give her irrelevant pieces of information and she hadn't been expecting anyone. A second knock sounded after a moment, more forceful this time, louder.
Annie rigidly stood, and shuffled quietly to the door, her arms glued to her sides. She could hear her heart pounding loudly in her ears, as she tentatively put her hands on the door and peered into the peephole. She wasn't aware that she'd been holding her breath until she heard it expel from her with a sound of relief as she saw who was on the other side of the door. She swung it open; half thankful, half annoyed.
"What the hell, Jeff?" Annie exclaimed as she swung open the door. "You scared me half to death."
Before he could respond and before she could continue, he had brushed quickly past her and into her apartment. Leaving her stunned and caught off guard at the empty hallway in front of her. The knowledge that he had just walked into her apartment without even addressing her was jarring, to say the least.
"Sure, come on in." Annie mumbled sarcastically, as she closed the door behind her. She turned to face him. He'd made a considerable descent into her apartment, he was across the common area, near the hall. There was substantial space between them. Annie studied him briefly, her mind turning quickly over what she should say. He most certainly looked uneasy, worried, and on edge. He was shifting his weight between his feet as if his body couldn't really hold all of his emotion or energy. She suddenly felt at a lose for words. She knew she should probably be demanding some sort of reasoning behind this unannounced visit but her mouth couldn't quite form it.
"How much longer are you going to do this?" Jeff asked in a controlled manner that was strange. Like he was gritting his teeth, trying to regulate some influx of perpetual discontent.
"What are you doing here, Jeff?" Annie questioned lowly, completely bypassing his question with one of her own. She was unnerved that despite the distance between them, she could feel his anxiety.
"How much longer are you going to do this to me?" Jeff repeated. His voice which was thick with blame, rose more than it should have.
"To you?" Annie questioned defensively. She heard the tone of her own voice perking up in retaliation. "What are you even talking about? I'm not doing anything to you!"
"Oh right. Besides punishing me? Besides trying to teach me a lesson? Besides whatever it is that you think this is going to accomplish. You completely aren't doing anything." Jeff replied harshly, he felt himself quickly losing any sort of control he had imaged having when he stood at her door.
"Punishing you?" Annie scoffed, folding her hands tightly in front of her, she felt her disbelief rising exponentially. "You're going to try to turn this around on me? Are you serious?"
"Well, why wouldn't I?" Jeff questioned, his eyes were direct and unwavering. "You aren't blameless. Take this entire thing, for example. I figured it out. You thought if you stayed away from the group long enough that I'd magically tell you what you want to hear."
"You are insane." Annie exclaimed, she felt a tightness in her chest that she willed to go away.
"Am I, Annie?" Jeff questioned almost tauntingly. "Am I really? You're going to stand there and tell me you weren't trying to manipulate me into a specific action or declaration."
Annie felt her hands start to tremble slightly. She was glad they were tucked underneath her arms and couldn't be seen. She paused and assessed what he had just said, trying her hardest to detach herself from the emotional crescendo flowing through her body.
"That's not what I was trying to do," Annie maintained firmly, she was momentarily proud that her voice hadn't cracked or wavered.
"Well I disagree," Jeff said smartly. "I think that's precisely what you were trying to do. If you made your absence felt deeply enough, you'd get what you want right?"
"No!" Annie countered, the sound and volume of her own voice surprising her. Her arms fell to her sides in frustration as she continued. "That's not what I'm doing."
"Well, that's sure as hell what it feels like to me!" Jeff countered, his body swayed gently as if he wanted to start pacing but decided against it.
"You are such asshole." Annie seethed. She was both disheartened and maddened in equal measure. Her earlier thoughts of doubt and uncertainty came flooding back to her and made her feel sick. This whole thing was only getting more convoluted. More difficult. She was only feeling more out of control.
Everything was horrendous. She couldn't even try to cry if she wanted to. Her tears wouldn't have surfaced. She was experiencing too many feelings all at once, they were compounded on top of one another, trying to escape, knocking into each other like a bull in a china shop. She couldn't breathe.
"Yes!" Jeff exclaimed loudly, throwing his hands up in a mix of frustration and relief. "I am an asshole. You've known this about me from the very beginning. I'm an asshole and you're driven and forgiving and generous and sweet and naive. We just aren't made from the same clothe, Annie. You've got to stop this. You aren't going to change me."
"I'm not trying to change you, Jeff." Annie replied lightly, the words that he had just used to describe her were swimming around in her brain, hearing them had oddly calmed her a little bit. She hadn't recalled ever being complimented in the midst of a huge argument. It didn't go unnoticed. "I'm just trying to understand you."
If Jeff could magically take back words, he would in that moment. For some strange reason all of her redeeming qualities had spilled from his mouth before he even realized he was saying them. He was so agitated, tired and discombobulated, he didn't even have control over his words. He suddenly felt it was most definitely a bad idea that he was even there, he silently thanked his lucky stars for the physical distance between them.
"You are the single most confusing person to ever exist, Jeff Winger." Annie admitted ruefully after she took a deep breath, clearly trying to calm her rattled nerves further. "And yes, maybe I hoped you would react a certain way to me taking a break from the group but I couldn't be sure they you would even blink an eye. You are extensively unpredictable at best, Jeff. Half the time you act like you don't care."
Jeff felt himself almost profess to always caring but kept his mouth shut. This must be a bad idea, it wasn't going at all the way that he had wanted. Though what had been the desired outcome? Her in tears? Her clawing his eyes out? Her declaring she never wanted to speak to him again? No, that wasn't it. He didn't want any of that.
"We've got to stop this, Annie." Jeff proclaimed gravely, his voice low and droning. He had meant to say that she had to stop this but somehow he unwittingly included himself as a guilty party. "It's not working."
"And yet, you're here." Annie pointed out rather thoughtfully. "So you came here to call me out and tell me we've got to stop? Stop something that hasn't even really started? Is that all?"
Jeff just stared at her from across the room and remained silent. He was drawing blanks in his head, he didn't have anymore ammunition to fight with. He didn't have anything to say that would further dissuade her. He felt weak, like he wanted to sit down. All of the adrenaline that had been coursing through his body had wrung him dry.
"I miss you," Jeff mumbled inadvertently, feeling his throat start to close as he realized what he had uttered. Annie froze in her tracks as she watched him react to his own words. In that moment she knew that the declaration had been genuine because of the instantaneous flash of regret that played on his face. Her heart clenched and it took everything in her to not encroach upon the distance that separated them.
It was so bizarre how when you really cared about someone, you could go from wanting to scream cruel things at them to wanting to jump their bones in one second flat. Zero to one hundred. The notion was staggering.
"Why won't you just give me a chance?" Annie asked directly, her eyebrows knitting together as she bit the inside of her mouth. The distant trace of a plea on her face was enough to make him dig his fingernails into his palms. The slight bit of fragility beneath that look almost made him double over.
"God Annie, I'd give you a hundred chances if I could." Jeff responded, realizing the emotional momentum was only increasing.
"And why can't you?" She questioned, filled to the brim with hope and expectations.
"I'm not the guy you're supposed to be with Annie," he proclaimed roughly, almost trying to overcompensate for his earlier slip up with his tone. "I'm just not. I won't ever be him."
"So that's it?" Annie asked, carelessly brushing a strand of hair from her face. It was with that movement that he realized the haphazardly way her hair was tied at the top of her head. It's overall lack of neatness was foreign and consuming. He wanted to take her hair down. He swallowed quickly and ignored that mental image before it burned a hole in his brain.
"Yeah," Jeff muttered tiredly. "That's it. You'll see. You'll meet someone who's much more suited for you and you'll forget about me."
"Oh, I see," she replied, being passively agreeable. "And what are you going to do when that happens?"
"What?" He managed, startled by the question and the prospect of having to answer it.
"You heard me," Annie countered, feeling a good bit of balance and calm suddenly restored. "What are you going to do when this imaginary guy who's so much better for me appears, huh?
Jeff had nothing. He once again, was coming up empty.
"Because we both know that you don't have the best record of grinning and bearing it when it comes to me and other men. And you wonder why I'm in a state of perpetual confusion. You give a good spiel but as soon as there's the possibility of someone else you get jealous and weird. But it isn't too obvious, it's just enough for me to keep playing the 'what if' game in my head."
"I'll work on that."
"Oh, screw you!" Annie proclaimed, a little bit of left over resentment came barreling into the apartment. "What you need to work on is being honest."
Jeff's eyes left hers momentarily. He needed to gather himself. The charged energy in the room was wearing him out. He was losing ground. He shouldn't have come here.
"Jeff," Annie began and just like that his eyes were back on her. "Do you have feelings for me? Real feelings. Feelings that are deeper than friendship, concern or brotherly protection."
"Yes." Again cognitive thought hadn't gone into the answer, his mouth just fell open with the word. He automatically tried to minimize the admittance. "But it doesn't matter..."
"Why would you say that?" Annie interrupted, she couldn't deal with the distance any longer as she lessened the huge amount of space in between them. "Why would you say that it doesn't matter?"
"Because it can't matter, Annie. It can't matter because it can't materialize into something. I can't afford that. Neither of us can afford that."
"God, it's just like you to do this, too." She observed out loud as she studied him, only a mere couple of feet in between the two of them. "You always do this. You say and do things and then you try to take it back, you try to deny it, you diminish the implication. You can't keep doing that Jeff. You have to take some responsibility for your emotional recklessness."
Jeff stood silent. Her words reaching out and physically grabbing him in a way that he wasn't really prepared for. She was right and he didn't have a response. Not one that would hold up in the situation, so he just stared at her. He focused on the blueness of her eyes, the few loose pieces of hair that had escaped the confines of her hair tie, even the slight rise of her shoulders as she breathed evenly. Her equanimity was provocative.
"It's not going to just go away." Annie reasoned, not needing to directly name the it she was referring to.
"I should go," Jeff responded, this entire thing was becoming increasingly overwhelming to him. He no longer felt equipped to even be having this conversation.
"No, you shouldn't." She responded lightly, her head tilting just barely as she assessed him. "But you know I'm right which is why you think that you should."
"Annie, I..."
"We can't just wish it away Jeff." Annie cut him off. "Because let's be honest, if we could, it'd be a non issue."
Their steady eye contact loomed and mixed in with the silence following her words. Jeff felt her get closer before it even happened. He wondered if there was any words he could say to undo this disaster that was quickly shaping itself. On the other hand he'd be lying to himself if he didn't admit that a huge part of him really wanted her, even if in the simplest way. Even if having her just meant her standing directly in front of him. Just enough so that he could feel her body heat.
Annie was on the fence. She felt certain that closing the remaining distance between them would act as some type of proof of everything that she had just brought to light. That by some physical act carried out by them, there would really be no escape from this expanding power between the two of them. However, his unpredictability frightened her. She was unsure as to whether her aching heart could take another denial, refusal or rejection. She didn't know how much more of herself there was left to put on the line.
But her heart wanted him and her head and her pride and her doubts were insufficient when matched against it.
Annie stepped forward before all her nerve left and brought her mouth to his in a simple yet demanding way. Jeff had seen the entire thing coming, he had anticipated her movement before she displayed it. The look in her eyes was enough to warn him of what was coming. To say that his mind went blank was an understatement, it had been lacking the proper ability to function throughout the latter part of their conversation. Now, with her mouth against his, it had turned to literal mush.
Before he could decipher up from down or right from left, their entanglement had only escalated. Her mouth was demanding and his was complying. Jeff's strong hands and arms were wrapped around her shoulders and back, anchoring her to him. They both couldn't breathe as their mouths battled each other for control of the kiss. It was a divine type of suffocation. If it was possible to physically melt into another person's body then that was taking place, no air could seep through between their clothed limbs.
Jeff could feel himself quickly losing a battle that he had fought so hard against and so with whatever residual restraint he had left, somewhere deep down inside, he managed to pull his mouth from hers and disconnect their bodies. He kept her at a literal arms distance as he grasped her shoulders firmly and applied gradual pressure when she tried to come closer.
Jeff's head dropped between his shoulders as he tried to collect himself, his breath and his thoughts. His heart was racing. They had to stop doing that, because each time it happened, it became too impetuous and dangerous and enthralling. He knew with almost absolute certainty that if what just happened continued to happen, he wouldn't be able to stop.
"No, we can't do that." Jeff muttered, as much to her as to himself. Trying to drive the point home. He had to put more distance between his body and hers. He had to put more distance between his feelings and hers. Between himself and her. Everything was colliding.
"Why? Why not?" Annie asked, sliding her hands along the undersides of his arms, which were still keeping her at a distance.
"Because I don't want to hurt you. I'll just hurt you."
"Why do you think you'll hurt me?" She questioned, eyes inquisitive and deep. Jeff let go of her shoulders and took a step back.
"Because I know myself. And because I know you. You'll just get hurt. I've already hurt you and we aren't even together. It just wouldn't work."
"How can you make proclamations like that when you won't even try?" Annie wondered aloud, her voice sounded wounded. As if she felt he didn't think she was worth going out on a ledge for.
"You and I just wouldn't work. Not because of you, but because of me. Generally, as a rule, I make a really bad boyfriend." Jeff admitted. He noticed her hair was even messier now, after their impassioned exchange. Need pulled deep within him, he closed his eyes briefly and pushed it away.
"You don't have to be my boyfriend." Annie responded rather thoughtfully, as if she had just thought of an option that she hadn't previously realized.
Jeff studied her uneasily, he had a strange feeling that he wasn't prepared for what was going to come out of her mouth next. What did she mean? That she actually didn't want a relationship? Was she letting him off the hook? Had she gathered some perspective about this?
"What?" Jeff questioned, he wanted her to both expand upon her sentence and just leave it at that, all at the same time.
"There's other options." Annie offered, her voice sounded highly suggestive. "More adult options."
"Stop, don't say that." Jeff interjected, instantly weakened by the insinuation.
"Why?" She frowned, her previous boldness melting away, making way for her confusion. "Why shouldn't I say that? I'm an adult, Jeff. Not some little girl. I can have casual sex just like you can."
"No, Annie," He reasoned almost frantically. With men being the visual creatures they are, as soon as the subject of sex was brought up, he had to blink certain mental images away. "You and I are not going to have casual sex."
"Well, we both know you aren't opposed to the idea just on principle seeing as how you secretly slept with Britta for almost an entire year." Annie retorted, her voice thick with irritation. She felt certain that it was because of her lack of experience that he was denying her. As if he thought that she wouldn't actually know what to do if the opportunity presented itself.
"Annie, don't do that." Jeff instructed softly, as he took a breath. "Don't bring her into this. This has nothing to do with her. You and Britta are completely different."
"What's that supposed to mean?" She scoffed, the look on her face clearly displaying her mounting insecurities.
"Exactly what I said, you two are different."
"No what you're really saying is that Britta can handle having casual sex with you but you don't think that I can."
"That's not what I'm saying at all," He retorted, his frustration beginning to return. He didn't have the strength to keep fighting with her. "I'm the one who couldn't handle it. And is that what you think this is about? You think this entire thing is just about sleeping with you?"
"I have no clue what any of this is about!" She exclaimed, the impending emotion in her voice was clear. "But that probably doesn't surprise you, because I'm starting to think that you don't know what it's about either."
"Alright I don't want to fight anymore," Jeff offered as he put his hand on her arm reassuringly, he wasn't sure if he should have reached out to her or not but that only occurred to him as an afterthought.
Annie searched his face and realized she didn't want to fight anymore either. She just didn't have the energy for it and as she looked at him she knew that he didn't. He looked more exhausted than he had when he first arrived. She momentarily felt the pull of his fatigue, almost like a sympathetic symptom.
"You're still not sleeping?" Annie asked gently, bringing her hand up briefly to touch the side of his face. His scruff brushed her fingers.
"No, what gave me away?" Jeff responded teasingly, his voice low in the back of his throat. He let a tired smile play on his face for a moment. Annie could feel her own eyes brighten.
"You just look about ready to fall over, is all." Annie replied.
"I've literally tried everything," Jeff explained as he tiredly rubbed his eyes. "Nothing seems to do the trick."
"Go sit down," Annie instructed softly, nodding towards her couch.
And because he had less steps to walk to the couch than he would have had to walk to his car, he did as he was told. He fell, rather ungracefully, into the couch and slid down into it, resting the crook of his neck against the back of it. His long legs spread out in front of him, as he watched her watching him. Annie stayed silently where she had been standing, thinking about many different things all at once. She wanted to turn her brain off just one time, just so she could experience some peace. Just too cease her incessantly over-analysing everything. To let things just be as they are.
Annie paused for another moment before walking over to the couch and taking a seat next to him. Her entire body was angled towards him though they weren't touching. She propped her elbow on the back of the couch, her hand resting underneath her head, her knees easily tucked against her body. She watched the rise and fall of his chest as he breathed deeply. She wondered how she could wonder so much about one person.
Jeff didn't say anything as they stared at each other. He tried to will his muscles and his brain to relax. If he could only rest for a moment, than that would be fine, but he desperately needed that moment. Annie's presence was eerily calming to him, but even still he felt this overwhelming need for her to be closer. He reached his arm over and draped it over her leg. The movement wasn't done to make a pass but more so as a verification of security. A need for warmth.
Annie realized this and eased herself closer to him, she gingerly rested her forehead on his shoulder. She took a deep, cleansing breath and his scent seemed to seep through her skin. Jeff's opposite arm reached around and secured her body to his. Her arms latched around his stomach and they sat there in complete silence, their breathing eventually synced as Annie listened to the distant thud of his heart.
After a few moments she would have bet money that he had fallen asleep without even having to look at his face. She could tell in his body that he was sleeping because he wasn't as tense. His grasp on her was still firm but his muscles were relaxed, his breathing was deep and slow.
Annie felt an unfamiliar sense of contentment. Not just because she was wrapped up in the arms of Jeff as he slept but because of everything that had taken place that night. No she hadn't necessary gotten what she had initially wanted. But he had admitted things, he had been truthful, she couldn't ignore that. She didn't want to.
Annie eased into sleep as her mind began to settle itself.
Annie felt herself being woken up a couple hours later, she kept hearing her name. When she opened her eyes, she saw that they were both in the same position they had fallen asleep in but he was awake and had been trying to wake her.
"I'm gonna go," Jeff whispered easily, slowly untangling their limbs."You should go get some sleep, it can't be comfortable sleeping like this."
"No, I'm fine." Annie reasoned. "Are you sure you don't want to stay?"
"Yeah, I'm sure." Jeff responded. He gave her a reassuring smile.
"You'll be okay to drive?" Annie asked, she knew how tired he had been.
"Yeah, I'm good. That's the best sleep I've had in awhile." Jeff admitted as he got to his feet.
Annie followed behind him as he meandered slowly to the door. He suddenly turned around before reaching for the door handle.
"When are you coming back?"
"Tomorrow," Annie replied. "I'll be back tomorrow."
Jeff nodded briefly, a look of relief flashing momentarily on his face.
"Lock your door, get some sleep."
She watched him walk down the hallway and out of her sight. She closed and locked her door then leaned against it, thinking about the night. She suddenly felt certain that they would both figure it out. They would somehow come to terms with this thing between them. Maybe not on her timetable and maybe not even on his, but eventually.
At this point there was really no way around it.