Puckmel/Hummerman? – The Trials and Tribulations of Becoming a Patchwork Family AKA Puckmel TaT

Thanks a lot for the great feedback kristendotcom! I'm very, very careful in incorporating all the canon tidbits and in explaining some of the more WTF-moments and throw-away lines in a halfway realistic way which can be really hard work given some of the stuff the writers used. So it's awesome you noticed! And yeah, my Puck is bad ass and has a definite darker side: you can't be the feared bad boy ruling the school at the beginning in canon without actually doing stuff to earn your rep...

And thanks to Faia Sakura for being so fast in pointing out FFnet's stupid bug still acting up.

FFnet eating stuff: I still can't finish sentences with question and exclamation marks apparently (or never could, on review) - anyone has an idea what that is about?

Puck is not amused. He intents to let the responsible parental unit know. And you get a glimpse or two of his view of Kurt in general and his actions re Finn in particular. Also, school is for losers who have nothing better to do and Figgins' attendance monitoring is - uh, sub-optimal.

Chapter 5

He couldn't believe it! No fucking way! Kurt was delusional. Or suicidal, trying to play a prank on Puck involving his family. He'd make the little shit's remaining high school days living hell in that case. No one messed with his family and got away with it. He punched a locker for therapeutic reasons, get rid of some of the tightly coiled energy building up, making a few losers jump.

But why would Hummel lie about this shit? He had looked suitably terrified when Puck went after him. As he should. For a moment Puck had even thought the kid had peed his ridiculously tight pants, though that proved a false alarm thankfully. At least Hummel seemed to have decent bladder control even while being as unmanly as one could be while still technically counting as male...

And Kurt had stopped antagonizing him the last few months they'd been in Glee together: shutting up about everyone bigger and more athletically inclined than himself - 90% of the school basically - being "brainless Neanderthals", that snotty shit about "you're all gonna work for me" as if the kid has somehow a monopole on instant stardom post-high school or a multi-million dollar trust fund just waiting to be inherited and bragging non-stop about his insane clothing budget. So why would he pull crap like this now? After several months of Glee-induced truce? Especially something that Puck could easily verify...

There was no way he was gonna hang around this lameass joint until he had cleared the whole thing up. He ditched chem (actually one of the few classes he enjoyed: it was sanctioned mayhem and learning how to explode, burn or corrode things under a teacher's guidance who had more than a dash of the crazy scientist in him, what was not to like?) and strode over to his new (well, old technically, but his new) truck he'd gotten this summer. Time for a 'visit your parent's work place' interlude. He gripped the wheel unnecessarily tightly while driving but managed to keep to the speed limit.

He was still fired up - or again - when he stalked into Lima Memorial, barely having enough patience to flirt with the cute thing at the desk on his Ma's ward to get her location.

"Noah! What are you doing here? Why aren't you at scho-"

"Are you seeing someone, Mom?" he interrupted her.

"You came here, skipping class I imagine, to ask me this? Why couldn't it wait until after work - and after school for you?" Apparently his mom clued in that he was ready and willing to make a scene right here at work because she hurriedly pulled him into a staff room and continued, "Yes, I've been seeing someone for a while. It's why I told you to come home after practice on Saturday - so you and Sarah can meet him and his boy."

"Tell me his name isn't Hummel!"

"It is. Burt Hummel: he owns Hummel's Tire & Lube. How do you know? We met at your parent-teacher night. Why?"

"Why? 'Cause I just found out from his son, the school freak, that his dad is dating my mom! Color me fucking shocked!"

"Language Noah! His son was there when we met, actually. He seemed perfectly pleasant, if a bit hectic and oddly fixated on Carole Hudson."

Puck sneered, "Yeah, what a surprise - Hummel obsessed with Finn's mom. I wonder why?" he snorted. "You know - that snotty kid I told you about, the one that spends more on clothes in a year than we pay mortgage? The one always bragging about his dad's business and sneering how 'someday we Neanderthals are all gonna work for him'? The fairy perving after Finn, stalking him? That's him!"

Puck talked right on when his mom opened her mouth to say something; he wasn't finished. "So, no - I'm not okay with you taking up with his stupid father! End it."

"That's enough, Noah! You do not dictate my love life. I'm your parent, not the other way round!"

"Yeah well, maybe I should! Since you do so well on your own. Last time, you didn't pay for choosing some scum bag, again - Sarah did!"

His mother reared back as if slapped. She put her hand in front of her mouth. Her stricken face nearly made him feel bad for bringing it up. Nearly.

They never really talked about it again, after. Puck had been thirteen when he'd found Ma's last - until now - attempt at a boyfriend touching his sister. Sarah had been six. When the red haze left, Puck had broken the guy's arm, nose, cheekbone, jaw and a few rips. He'd also damaged the freak's junk permanently. There hadn't been any consequences for him: the Lima police had practically made him their mascot (it had been the start of his weird relationship with the local law enforcement as the juvenile delinquent with friends on the force: they'd often looked away when it came to his exploits) for taking the scum bag on. And it had been in defense of a child, by a child. They also could finally nail the freak down after finding his stash of child porn - not of his baby sis, thank g-d, he hadn't gotten that far - linking him to other children, in addition to getting Sarah's and Puck's statements. The freak wasn't out again yet, though he was apparently still alive according to his friends from law, despite having had a deservedly fucking hard time with his inmates. He still savagely hoped being raped frequently featured into the child molester's everyday activities. And no, he didn't feel bad about wishing that on someone: scum deserved it.

His mom's voice was shaky and small when she finally said, "You're right. What happened to your sister, what she nearly had to suffer through: that's on me. And it was on you to save her from it, thank the Good Lord. That you had to protect Sarah, that you had to go through this, that's on me too. I'll always be grateful to you for it. And I'll never forgive myself for being so careless about who I let into our family. For not noticing earlier. There's a reason there wasn't a man in my life since then - other than you, my son."

His mother took a shuddering breath, composing herself and looking determined.

"But Noah, Burt's not like that! He's a good man. Do you honestly think Kurt is being abused by his dad? You said it yourself: if anything, he spoils his child too much. And I was careful this time: I didn't just invite him into our family out of loneliness or infatuation. We've been meeting on neutral ground and going slow. We've been waiting for all of us to meet, for the right time. So that you could see too, get to know him." She sighed. "I should've told you earlier that I was seeing someone. You're old enough," Ma smiled, a bit shakily, "you're even going to be a father yourself!"

"Yeah, about that: you've been giving me crap about knocking up a shiksa all this time. You wouldn't have been nagging nearly as much if I'd gotten Rachel freaking Berry or half-Chang preggo instead of Quinn. Admit it. Shit,"

"Noah!"

"-you compared me to the freaking Nazis for just sleeping with non-Jewish girls! Nazis running concentration camps! And now you're taking up with a Gentile? One from German stock to top it off? Like, seriously? WTF, Ma?"

"Please Noah, language. I can't help but want to see Jewish grandchildren from you and your sister. Is that so wrong?"

She hugged him and he couldn't help but relent slightly and pat her back when she laid her head against his chest. She looked up at him, cupping his jaw.

"But I'm really sorry about saying that; you know how emotional Schindler's List makes me. The wine with the migraine meds probably didn't help... Of course you're not like a Nazi! I can't believe you took that to heart. It was such a foolish remark. Oh Noah, I'm so sorry. It was a terribly thoughtless thing to say. As for Burt's heritage... I would have loved if he were Jewish! But I've come to accept that there are more important qualities in a man than his ethnicity and religion. It's not like we'll be having any children together. But Noah, you do know that from Grandma Connie's side we come from 'German stock' too, do you? It's a German Jewish family line, but German nonetheless. She spoke German with you when you were little, remember? She taught you even."

"I thought that was Yiddish."

"She spoke Yiddish with you, but German too. ... Please, Noah, give him a chance, will you? I haven't been happier with a man since your 7th birthday. Please allow me this second chance. Don't you think I deserve a bit of happiness and security too after these last terrible, lonely years?"

Oh great, now she used the Jewish mom specialty, guilt. Just what he needed.

"I promise to listen if you have concerns, valid concerns," she hastened to add, seeing him gearing up to veto the relationship right now, "after you've met them. I'm not trying to get you a father, Noah - though the Good Lord knows you could need one," she added not quite under her breath, "I know you're too old for that. But don't you think Sarah could use a stable male figure in her live? You do so much for her - perhaps more than I should saddle you with - but you can't replace an adult, not yet. And you shouldn't have to! Burt isn't like any man I've been with before. I really think this will work, for me and for us. But I will listen if you have concerns not just involving a spoiled kid who's living in another house. I'm sure you can stay out of each other's way as you do at school."

"I wish," he grunted.

"Let's see what Saturday brings, alright? Maybe you'll be pleasantly surprised."

Hah! Sure. Right after Kurt voluntarily started to sing non-Broadway songs originally sung by actual guys. Or someone finally called St. Finn on cheating on Quinn with Rachel before she'd cheated on him with, well, him. And Quinn publicly admitted that she had called Puck over to her place and made the first pass after ranting half an hour about Finn (and Sue for some reason, and her weight). Not gonna happen.

The door opened, "Deborah, where are the resu- Oh, hello, Noah! Everything alright? You're not coming from the ER again, are you?"

"Hey, Doctor Gallagher. Naw, I'm fine, wasn't that kind of emergency. Sorry for keeping my mom from you, I'll be on my way."

"That's alright, son. Win the game on Friday will you? My brother's in town, so we'll all be going to see Chad play. Honestly, if I hear about how superior his sons' team is one more time I might resort to fratricide. I'd like to avoid that."

"Ouch. Yeah, I'll do my best Doc."

His ma pulled his head down and kissed his cheek. "Go right back to school Noah, alright?"

"Yeah, sure Ma."

Well, it had been nearly right back. What was the point of showing up halfway through a lesson anyway? Just made your absence more fucking obvious.

He had contemplated getting out of the "date". For hours on end. After working out his frustration the usual way: with the help of a kinky, smoking hot Cheerio with a loser-boyfriend who had no clue how to please a chick. He hadn't been in the mood for Santana and her barbs (bad credit rating his ass! Did she know how many 16 year olds even had a credit rating? Yeah, not everyone got sponsored by daddy) despite how hot she was in bed and it was too early for cougar-season yet. And fight club wasn't for another week so non-erotic anger management had been out.

If it was so damn important to them that both families met before proceeding - with whatever, he thought annoyed - being absent would stop the relationship in its course, at least slow it down... He could simply go AWOL; lay low at Santana's or Matt's or shit. Of course then his ma would be furious and nag him non-stop again, just when he'd finally caught a break. Maybe she was doing that deliberately, laying off to soften him up for the meet? He wouldn't put it past his mom. She was manipulative enough to do it.

Perhaps he could bribe Quinn to fake a baby-emergency he had to run off to. If he made sure to emphasize how much it would piss his ma off Quinn might be game. Even if she hated his guts... She disliked his mom more. But he couldn't see a way to stop the damn thing without his mom in tears and laying on the guilt, or furious and laying on the guilt. Anyhow, guilt would feature and he hated that shit, even when he knew perfectly well that she played him. Ma had been happier and more relaxed the last few weeks. Less depressed, less stressed out. Was he really willing to destroy that without even trying to give her a chance? Or at least appearing to? ... Fuck.

A/N: a 'shiksa' is a slang term for a non-Jewish woman. It has negative connotations and is not someone many conservative Jewish mothers would want their only sons to marry. This is partly because traditionally being Jewish is inherited through the maternal line: having a Jewish mother makes you Jewish.

Short explanation re Puck and his lack of distinctly homophobic thoughts other than deriding Kurt's lack of traditional masculinity: I'm not going to whitewash him - or any character - in any way (that would be boring for one thing and nearly everyone's deeply flawed in canon) but interestingly Puck canonically has made quite a few homophobic remarks at the start of the show: to and about friend and fellow jock Finn! And regarding Glee, the club and activity in general. Not to or about Kurt Hummel, the in your face flamboyant kid so obviously queer-appearing!
He was rude to him, he was dismissive and he threw him into dumpsters twice (once with Finn, once with random minions - with Mr. Shue actually cheering them on: "Go, Titans!" WTF. Even Puck looked uncomfortable about Shue's explicit approval, because no teacher can be that blind or stupid - unless they want to be. I wonder what skeletons Will has in his closet, given his often blatantly unfair treatment of Kurt for quite some time. We also can safely assume the dumpstering happened quite a few times before "Pilot"...). Puck clearly didn't like him. However he didn't call Kurt names or the f-slur, not once. Compare his language and behavior to Kurt at his worst with Azimio and Karofsky even in season 1 regarding homophobic slurs or threats due to being gay: it's a startling contrast. It seemed that Puck honestly didn't care about Kurt pretty obviously batting for the same team. Kurt was a victim like the other straight "losers" or "freaks" low in the WMHS hierarchy, sexual orientation didn't seem to factor. If Puck actively disliked him it was probably for other reasons. He didn't want to do "girly/unmanly stuff" Kurt initiated. However that's not homophobia - and he was just as opposed when those ideas came from the girls or Shue.
But he certainly didn't want his bro Finn to be into guys! He was rather vocal about it. Puck hounded and confronted Finn about his supposed lack of straight and was consistent about it: even in season 2 he still honestly thought Finn might come out! And was less than enthusiastic... Though not quite as unenthusiastic as about selfish religious fanatic!Finn ^_~ Which is quite interesting. Did he fear it would change/destroy an already severely threatened friendship? Did he fear Finn crushing on him? Did he have experience with a friendship imploding due to a friend admitting feelings for him? Food for thought. Any ideas or speculations, readers?

Next up: When Families Collide or Saturday Night's a Night for - Fighting?