I Don't Care As Much

"Life is a gamble. You can get hurt, but people die in plane crashes, lose their arms and legs in car accidents; people die every day. Same with fighters: some die, some get hurt, some go on. You just don't let yourself believe it will happen to you." ~Muhammad Ali

Alvin Seville

I hadn't spoken a word to any of the Millers in over a month. I had really done it… I had given it up for a girl I wasn't even sure about. She seems so obsessive. She was passionate and aggressive but I just needed a break once in a while. She called me at the break of dawn and texted, called, or even came over every day. She kept saying it was because she cared… and I guess it couldn't be anything else. But did I care that much? Was I as devoted to this relationship as she was?

I walk into the gym lobby with my hands in my pockets. Theodore is standing silently next to me… Simon is already in the gym saving us a seat. We're kicking off the Volleyball season. Theodore doesn't say anything to me as we go through concessions. We walk into the bustling gym and take our seats. Theodore eventually moves away from me though, as to exile me. He hates me… just like everyone else. I burry my face in my hands, fighting the initial need to forget the macho bit and just cry.

The referee blows his whistle as the teams shuffle out the locker room. Our team is wearing green and gold jerseys, very short black shorts, and white kneepads. I can see Brittany scowling at the color… It makes me smile because it just takes knowing her a little to remember that she hates the color green. The other team is wearing blue jerseys, white shorts, and black knee pads. I watch Brittany closely as she whispers something to Eleanor. Eleanor laughs and they take their places on the court. The captains from each team break off from their designated teams and shake hands. Brittany on one side, and a Hispanic girl with pretty dark hair on the other.

The ref blows his whistle again, starting the game. The ball is served and right away Eleanor spikes it over to give us a point. The crowd cheers and she blushes. I miss them… I miss Eleanor and Jeanette and Brittany. I want them back. I burry my face in my arms all over again.

"Hey," a voice comes from behind me. I look up to see Jeanette. "Are you alright?"

"Why are you talking to me?" I ask her right back. She has every right to hate me… I had ignored her for a month with no explanation.

"I'm not blind," she says. "Well, not completely," she laughs, taking off her glasses and wiping off the lenses with the corner of her shirt before placing them back on her face. She puts her elbows on her knees and her hands on each side of her face as she watches the game. "I know that May is manipulating you. She's scared of competition."

"But you aren't competition," I tell her. "You're like my sister."

"I know," she says. "But at this point anyone is competition. I just wanted to warn you… I've been reading up on girls like her. I mean, have you ever read books like Don't Tell or Bitter End?"

"No," I shake my head. "Haven't cracked a book since kindergarten," I joke.

"Well, they're all about abusive relationships," she says, not amused by my joke. I go quiet as the crowd cheers for another point scored. "It all starts like this Alvin. They get obsessive, take up all of your time and get you to trust them. Then they strike."

"You talk as if May is some evil villain," I tell her.

"She might be," Jeanette responds. I don't answer, thinking about the possibilities. Guys just don't end up in abusive relationships. They don't get beaten by girls… I mean, who's heard of something like that? Besides, May isn't some butch out to hurt me… She's pretty and gentle. "I'm just worried about you," she looks down. "As much as we don't really talk to each other, we've had our moments in the past… I mean, remember the pageant? And-"

"How you ruined it?" I laugh, remembering how I bet Brittany that I could get Jeanette to win the pageant despite being incredibly klutzy and half blind.

"Yeah," she laughs back. "See? That's what makes us friends. Moments like that. And if this girl is hurting you, I want you to be able to come to me… I know I'm not your first choice, but I'm here."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I don't think it would be a good idea to pull Britt in…"

"Even though I want to," I sigh. She nods. I look out on the court but none of the girls are paying attention to us. Brittany and Eleanor are on the court still, but May has been switched out for a tall girl named Jennifer Langston. May turns to looks at me and I give her a wave but my features can't seem to form a smile. 'What are you doing?' she mouths up at me. "Oh," my eyes go wide. I point to Jeanette and she nods, frowning. I wave her off but her glare stays on mine.

"Are you ready to go back in May?" the coach asks May. May shakes her head, reaching for her water bottle. When the coach turns back towards the girls playing, May slips out of her seat and hustles up the bleachers.

"What's going on?" May asks again, getting close to my face. She glances at Jeanette and then back at me.

"We were just talking," I tell her through my teeth. May doesn't look convinced. I roll my eyes and whisper an apology to Jeanette before taking May's hand and leading her out into the lobby. Everyone is inside so it's a good place to sort everything out. "May, I told you that seeing them and talking to them is unavoidable… they're my family! They're worried about me!"

"What's to be worried about?" she screams back. "What have I done to make everyone so worried?"

"What haven't you done?" I yell. May's lower lip quivers as tears come to her eyes. My shoulders slump forward with guilt. How could I have been so harsh to someone who just wanted to be there for me? I couldn't blame her for feeling a little wary of the Chipettes. It was natural… "M-May… I'm sorry," I wipe a tear off of her cheek with my thumb. "D-d-don't cry."

"Don't give me that!" she screams with sudden rage. "I don't want to hear all your bullshit! You're seeing one of them behind me back, aren't you?"

"No!" I try to reason. "I'm not seeing of them! I've been with you this whole time! How could possibly even have time to see one of them?"

"But you would if you had time?" she starts pacing, seemingly out of breath. It kills me inside to see her like this. She's so vulnerable and down on herself that she won't even hear me out.

"May," I take her by the shoulders and press her forehead against mine. My cap tips back a little, on the verge of falling right off my head. May takes in a deep breath, closing her eyes. "Don't believe for a second that I would ever leave you. I know I don't say it all time, but I really do care about you."

May's eyes flash up, and before I can react she's behind me with my arm twisted behind my back. In one quick move, she pulls my wrist upwards. The first thing I hear is a pop, then the pain comes. I think it's over until a loud crack emits from my shoulder. May releases me just as quickly as she grabbed me, coming in front of me. My arm feels like it could just fall off and just splat right there on the linoleum. I clutch my arm in pain, watching May intently.

"Don't let it happen again," May growls under her breath, pulling me closer by grabbing the front of my shirt. I gulp, not sure what to make of any of this. Did this mean that Jeanette was right? Of course not! Who was I kidding; May didn't mean any of this. She's just frustrated and upset.

May turns and walks back into the gym.

No matter how much I try to convince myself that what she did was completely my fault, I mean I did tell her I'd stay away from Brittany and her sisters, it still scared me to death. Would she hurt me again? Basketball season was coming up and I might have to miss practice or even try outs because of this shoulder… What would I do then? Sports are my life. Theodore has food, Simon has science… and I have sports. I'm the tough jock, and if I can't get out and just run, I might go insane.

I get myself over to the stairs that lead to the wrestling mats on the floor above me. I sit there, simply bewildered. I clutch my arm in fear of it simply falling off. I've checked it twice and I can already see a black and blue bruise starting to cover my shoulder. I cringed when I saw it.

I must have been sitting there a while because the last whistle of the game blows and spectators and players alike come out cheering with bright smiles on their faces. I can see May heading straight towards the locker room. I was supposed to take her out if they won… but would I still now that I was in so much pain I couldn't even cry about it? Brittany comes out, looking radiant with her smile of victory. Though, her face drops when she catches my eye. Right away I cower away from her, May's threat still ringing in my ears.

"Alvin?" she calls as I slowly get up and start backing away from her and up the stairs. "Alvin, get back here!" she yells. At this point, I'm running up the stairs. I pass the wrestling mats and head right into the boy's bathroom. I pull off my loose fitting t-shirt to inspect my shoulder. It's worse than I thought. Not only is my shoulder one big black spot, but it runs all the way to my elbow and down my back. Though it's much lighter there, it still hurts. Maybe more emotionally than physically.

"Alvin?" the door opens. I press myself against the wall as not to be seen. But the voice grows strong and rounds the corner, making being discovered inevitable. "Alvin, what are you doing?" I watch as Brittany comes from around the corner. I feel pathetic, cowering in front of my best friend with my shirt balled up in my hands.

"Y-you can't be in here!" I try to make her leave.

"Alvin, tell me what's wrong," she demands. Brittany glances in the mirror, catching sight of my back and shoulder, gasping. She turns me around quickly, probing with her fingers a bit at the bruise. I wince at her touch. "Alvin, I think you dislocated your shoulder!"

"It's not that bad!" I argue, moving to the opposite side of the room then her. I pull on my shirt and watch Brittany. She has a worried look on her face. She seems in no mood to argue or make jokes. She's deadly serious. "I-it isn't," I say, my voice much smaller.

"Don't pull this on me," tears come to Brittany's eyes. Unlike when May started to cry in the lobby, I didn't move. I just stood there, bewildered. Brittany was so strong and brave. It wasn't like her to just break down. "I'm scared for you," she comes closer, placing a warm hand on my chest. I don't flinch or move away this time. I'm so captured in her warmth. "It's May, isn't it?"

And just like that, the moment it broken. "No," I tell her, my voice becoming a little angry. This is all Brittany's fault! If she didn't keep egging me on and getting herself involved then I wouldn't be having these problems with May. My girlfriend! "I can't believe you'd actually accuse her! You know what Brittany?" I ask her, but I don't let her even attempt to answer. "I'm done with you. Just stop talking to me."

"I'm sorry!" she cries, grabbing onto my shirt as I try to leave. "Alvin, I didn't mean it! I just miss you so much! You don't even understand what it feels like."

"I know enough," I say bluntly, leaving the room and running down the stairs, no longer bothered by my shoulder. May is waiting for me at the bottom with her arms crossed. She gives me half smile which I return.

May stretches the collar of my shirt to peer at my shoulder. She frowns when she looks up at me. "I'm so sorry babe," she says softly. "I didn't mean to hurt you."

"It's okay," I reassure her, wrapping my good arm around her waist.

"I'll make it up to you," she promises, leading me out the door and into the wintery cold.

~ghtkeskgfderhgbdhnghfvdh… WHAT!