Author's Rant: Wow 0_0 this was not the response I was expecting so fast but all the same I love you all to pieces and I greatly appreciate your enjoying Inuyasha's modern day humor lol. ^_^

Unfortunate Events

Today wasn't starting off on the right foot for some reason. Granted the foot I stepped out of bed with this morning somehow got stumped on that same got'damn corner of my bed. I got a really bad limp going on but if you're curious, that isn't the cause of my odd mood. Hell even I'm stumped—shit. . . no pun intended—as to why I'm feeling kind of . . . off I guess.

Way off. Ugh I have this nasty bad taste in my mouth.

Ya see I couldn't sleep last night. By the way please excuse my less than devilishly handsome face today because my beauty sleep was slacking. Why you're wondering? I don't know. I mean, I sort of knew but then again I didn't. I was up most of the night in bed tossing and turning because I just couldn't erase the fact that Sesshomaru had a visitor in his house.

I got out of bed several times just to see if the car was still there and by the time the Late Time Talk Show came on, that was usually my tell-tale sign that a woman was not leaving, I went back to bed. Afterwards my stomach started feeling weird. Not sick or nothing, just a little tingly. I went to the bathroom twice but came up short.

So I concluded by the stroke of midnight I didn't have the shitters, I went to bed and tried getting to sleep again.

No dice.

I couldn't blink my eyes closed for nothing. I tried everything; counting sheep, singing, listening to music, watching the animal channel, looking over some of my school textbooks, and through it all the only thing I gained was my eyes drying up and burning. Shit hurt out da' ass too. So around three o'clock I gave up and just laid there thinking.

I thought about everything you could imagine—mostly about juicy booties, sex, my good looks, my charisma but other things too. Like . . . oh here's one, I was still thinking about what was going on across the street. Blame it on my inner nosiness coming forth because the girl was fine. I mean loaded from front to 'da back and I think my stomach hurting like this was because of her going with Sesshomaru.

This is strictly my theory of course but I don't think I was feeling the idea of her being over there. It felt sort of awkward. Look, I don't give a flying fuck what that pretty boy asshole did alright? I'm just saying, it seems kind of weird. Again why the hell does she have to come in the middle of the night like he moved in in the middle of the night? Was it some new fab going around that I didn't know about? Or was she an expensive booty call and the tiny tikes were the result?

I blinked . . . nah, Sesshomaru don't look it. I can't see him with kids. Period.

So about a quarter to six is where we are now. My foot fucked up on the big toe since that claw is cracked, and looking pretty damn awful for a fine ass pretty boy like myself. I was my own worst nightmare when I looked in the mirror. Damn near pissed my pants.

My eyes have dark circles, my hair is a knotted mat, my ears—Good God my ears, my pride and joy puppy ears were shot to hell; all fuzzy and unbrushed. Oh and my face? My face, my face, my face, my face. I'm glad I woke up three hours before classes started. I was in the need for some major exorcisms.

Which reminds me, school does start today doesn't it? Damn my freedom is officially taken between 9:05 and 11:55. I think I have psychology and English. Better make sure I have all my gear before heading out.

I was walking out of the bathroom to check the time when I hear a noise outside. It was coming from across the street. My ears kept twitching with every loud smack. I'm noisy remember? So naturally I'm going to peek out my window to get a gander at whatever it was.

Low and behold it's that chick from last night coming outside—I frowned—wearing Sesshomaru's bathrobe? How I know? It's way too big for her. Way too big. That smacking noise was her bunny slippers slapping against the sidewalk.

As much as I wasn't too keen on the fact of her being out there like this I couldn't deny that she had a huge donk. Wait nobody says donk right? Shit she had some luscious cheeks. But I still didn't like her.

I know, I know, I barely know the girl but I just couldn't shake this vibe about her. She was so pretty, sweet body, long brown hair, large doll eyes, a lovely smile; I just didn't like it.

I dismissed my attitude long enough to get ready for school, still sporting my limp mind you, and managing to get my mop of hair under control. I decided to just go with a braid over my shoulder and a red polo with khaki slacks and black tennis shoes. I wasn't feeling up to impressing anybody today. My polo would do the job for me when I walked in class showing the outline of my muscles.

I'm fine. I can't help it. I could have a busted eye, pink dye in my hair, a nub for a leg and be a in a wheelchair and still rock the sidewalk like nobody's business. Damn mama why did you have to have such a handsome son?

I shook my head grabbing all my books, heading out the door. I grabbed my key about to lock it when again; I saw that bouncy ass jiggling from a positively marvelous view. I'm discreet when checking out the booty, so I magically lost my keys in the grass and started looking for them. All the while my head was half bent looking at the forward and backward strokes of this girl reaching in her car for something.

"Damn," I smacked my lips, just thinking about seeing those cheeks slapping my thighs.

Apparently I wasn't the only one taking note because when I twisted another way, who should I see? Good ole Mr. Mixon, not making an attempt to the fact that he was looking at this girl's ass. Nasty old pervert.

Watch this, "Yo, Good morning Mr. Mix. What 'cha looking at?" Ha, that scared his ass back to watering his grass like a good boy. I was chuckling under my breath and went back to thinking about hearing that sweet sound of sex.

All my hopes and dreams of imagining that nice plumpness was destroyed when I saw some long muscular legs coming out in dark blue house shoes. Attach to those feet were some lean calves and nicely shaped—never mind I can't see anymore. I knew it was Sesshomaru.

And that's why I magically found my keys that fast because it was time to go.

I wish I had left sooner because he caught me just as I was getting up and stared. Bold as I was, I just looked right back at him. I hated how he looked so fresh and sparkly in the morning sun, skin all glisten and shit. Every time I saw him he looked fresh out of the shower. I cocked my lip up and jerked my head in greeting.

I don't think he understood because he tilted his head to the side, and offered a wave. I shrugged waving back. He tapped that girl bent over in her car and said something I couldn't hear when she stood up. I can read lip but he had the back of his hand covering his mouth, so no success there. The woman's mouth formed a perfect O and she looked directly at me.

I blinked when she suddenly started waving hysterically. I looked around to be sure she was acting a fool with me and sure enough all that excitement was reserved for yours truly. Not to seem rude, I gave her a short wave and that sent her on a giggle fit, causing Sesshomaru's face to give me that exact half smile. I rolled my eyes, opening up my impala door and settling in. I hated being talked about. Made me feel like the butt of someone's jokes or something.

Yeah I knew they were talking about me. She ain't giggling like that for my fucking health. Stupid ass fools. Fuck 'em both. They'd better not say shit to me when I . . . when I. . . "Oh my damn."

I happened to glance up in my rearview mirror just to catch a very beautiful show casting the ass of my dreams bent over picking up his newspaper. Just half quirked over, legs supporting all its powder cleansed glory. I licked my lips, unashamed of what I was thinking just then. How would those tasty globes look folded in my hands?

I already declared there was nothing I could do when it came to this man's behind so I decided that it could admired secretly right? I'm not gay, just curious—no, no, no not that kind of curious, just wanting to look is all.

Sesshomaru just so happen to be wearing a short sleeve t-shirt and some checked blue and black pajamas that pulled and stretched across his dashing behind like a glove. My mouth dropped when I leaned forward and saw a peek of his crack coming out of the cloth. Show it, show it, show it. Hmm stand over for me baby . . .

Ahem excuse me. . . Got a little carried away for a minute.

Ya see what I liked about his ass was that it sat up high and protruded outward. Like the kind that's a handful but could maybe sit a cup on. Not too huge, and sure as hell not too small.

I licked my dry lips when he wiggled his hips a little and felt my little man jump. "Damn," for a man Sesshomaru had something that a lot of my past girls just didn't have.

And I'll be a monkey's uncle if I ever admitted that to a living soul—

"Something wrong boy?"

"Got dammit!" I shrieked looking at out my window at Mr. Mixon. "Damn old man, just give me a heart attack. Shit!" I know I was cussing at an old man but shit he scared me to death. Got my heart pounding like crazy.

My immediate action was to look across the street just in time to see Sesshomaru and that apple bottom girl slapping high fives before walking inside the house. I swear to God if I didn't know any better, I'd think they set me up for the okay doke. Couple of bastards.

I sighed, rubbing my eyes and looking at the man who messed up my spy time, "Can I help you?" I asked the wrinkled face gardener.

"You havin' trouble with 'yer car boy?"

Why the hell are humans so noisy? I mean for real, did it look like I was having trouble? "No," I snapped pissed off. "I'm not having trouble with my car." I looked in my rearview mirror; a little angry at being caught with my personal peeping show and having to deal with Mr. Mixon's old crazy ass. "Look man, weren't you watering your grass or somethin'?"

"Oh."

Oh the crack of my ass! He just came over here to see if I was being as nasty as he was.

. . . Granted I was but shit I'm young enough to do it. That's my alibi so deal with it. "Yo, I'm headin' out. I'll catch 'cha later." I didn't wait for him to answer. I just cranked up my car, pulled out the drive way and shot down the road.

I needed to stay focused. On school. On the road. On the neighborhood. Just something to keep my mind clear of what I'm slowly starting to enjoy seeing.

A round, firm, juicy set of sugar coated . . . "Shit." I sighed. I needed to try something else. Everywhere I looked resembled a piece of that beautiful devil-delivered ass.

I can't believe this. I truly and honestly cannot believe the horror what has taken place in not one both of my classes. It's like Monday was made to fuck, me, Inuyasha over today. Let's begin with the basic ingredients towards this shall we?

Number one: I forgot my books at home. Both books mind you. So I'm sitting in my class looking like a total fool while my classmates are all able to turn to page such and such while I'm just an animate object going with the flow. That happens twice and the second time my professor isn't what one would call a stealthy reminder to bring ones supplies. His big mouth ass made sure the entire student body knew I didn't have my stuff and ensured anyone else who wanted to be a bad example like me could kick rocks.

I was tempted to tell him to shove those same rocks up his ass but images of my mother and her two by fours zipped my lips shut. So I dealt with being the odd ball out for another class period. Lucky for me there were some nice people in there who helped me out by writing down our homework for the day and telling me what pages to read over.

Number two: Look at the sky. Do you see that shit? Its gray, cloudy and black as hell. I'm talking jumbo sized clouds with not a speck of blue in the sky. The rain wasn't what as irking me. Oh no. It was that shiny white flashy junk in the distance gradually creeping its way toward me. I hate storms. You know this, I know this.

So from here, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize that I'm petrified. The rain hadn't started pouring down heavy until I ran out the double doors, soaking into my hair and my cloths. By the time I made it to my car, I'd dropped my book bag a couple of times and even lost my keys somewhere in the rain. So I had to run the fuck back, looking around like a got'damn fool looking for some red and yellow stripped key straps. Everything on my body was a lost cause about five minutes into the search.

When I later found them, near my fucking car of all places, I'm finally able to hop in and start the engine. "Achoo!" I sneezed. I'm swearing to Buddha and God and whoever else is up there, to take a hot shower, kicking back to relax and steaming up a bowl of chicken noodle soup with a soda on the side.

Don't any of ya'll start dancing to that stupid ass song either. I hated that shit. Who the fuck wants to dance about some noodles slushing in a bowl? . . . You know what? Fuck it, that's your young or old business.

Any-the fucking-way, yes I'm sorry I'm cussing more than usual but my day has just been one big screw me since I woke up. Nothing's been going right for me and now all I want to do is chill. No friends, no nada. I'll do my homework tomorrow.

I flipped on my right signal merging off the exit toward my address, being careful of the sleek asphalt and other weary drivers but as I did something happened that was really going to test my patients.

I felt it as well as heard that sickened pop and stutter of my back left tire when I ran over something in the road before my car jerked to the side and waddled. "Son of a bitch." I shook my head, snatching the steering wheel off to the side of the road.

My car gave up before I could turn it off, settling down heavily against the ground as I turned off the ignition and flopped back against myself, rubbing my tired eyes. Lord, help me, why the hell was this happening?

Is this because I was looking at Sesshomaru's ass? Is this because I let Kagome go with that lesbian bitch? Is this because I like to read those magazines on the toilet? Or when I stole my old man's pornos as a kid?—I'm revealing too much.

Regardless, this was punishment. Yep this was cruel and deserving punishment for leaving those nails in front of my teacher's car. Oh well.

I picked up my phone, dialing out—never mind. This little piece of shit has not a trace of signal. I'm gonna give up on Sprint and go with Verizon. "Oh my God!" I whined pathetically, and sighed. This was not happening to me. Why, why, why, fuck why. . . I sighed again, "Shit." Well the car wasn't going to fix itself. I reached in my back seat for a baseball cap to salvage a little bit of my beauty.

Tapping on my caution lights, I kicked opened the door with so much attitude I couldn't see past my nose and jogged out around my truck—never mind I forgot to open my truck. I went back in car, opened the truck and then went back in there for my jack, axel, spare tire and whatever else I needed to change my tire. The weather wasn't showing me any mercy as I stumbled back and forth through the slapping sheets of rain, while juggling all my supplies for a successful fix.

Getting the jack underneath was a bit complicated because of the downward slope my car was parked in. That alone had me cussing out of my ass but when I sat on the ground trying to wedge my axel on the tire . . . I bumped my head against the pointer and fell back. This was a slap in my face and a sad reminder of why pretty boys like me were always stereotyped for being a bunch of pussies.

My hair was a straight mess. I mean tangled, knotted and just an all-out ruin. The seemingly fancy clothes I had were suctioned to my body like paint, and my cell was a dead bolt. I could cry myself a river about this situation but what purpose would that serve? I'd still be up shit's creek without a paddle and a napkin.

It was kind of funny how fucked up this day was and one I'll most likely be laughing my ass off on after I find a way out of it. But for now, nothing was ringing a cackle outta me.

I sat up and shook some of the sullen articles off the best I could before jumping up to try again. Rubbing my nose, I finally got the stupid thing hooked on the bolt and started twisting. About my third screw off, I started feeling better good about my luck possibly changing but as always something has to counter my happiness.

As if the raining cats and dogs, along with the streaks of bluish lightning cutting across the sky wasn't bad enough, a couple of bright car lights suddenly shun bright in my eyes. I didn't think much it, assuming they were just someone passing by but when that same car began slowing down, a little chill ran up my spine.

I'm protective of anything I buy so if some fool comes swinging they can best believe I'm fuckin' 'em up. I don't believe in that leave your stuff for the robber to take bullshit. Hell nah, I earned my keep, so respect the goods.

The car stopped behind mines, and I stood, squinting my eyes through the flurry waves of rain. A tall figure was shifting around in their car and I couldn't tell what he or she was up too but I wasn't planning on finding out. Somebody was about to get their shit handled just right.

I hurried around the truck of my car to get my what?

What's in there, you guessed it. I have a professional league sized bat made of solid steel and ready to connect to the side of whatever asshole wanted to try something.

Swinging it back and forth, I hunkered down, ready for that first home run.

Batter up mother fucker. "Who's there?" I called out cowardly.

As if my day couldn't get much worse, it was about to get a whole lot worse.

"Inuyasha."

Like unwanted relaxing beach music to my ears. . . "Sesshomaru?"

TBC: Damn what was that? My third or fourth update in a single week. I'm sleepy . . . ^_^