Author's Rant: Let the jackassing begin lol. I am exhausted with all these updates.

Epic Fail

Ok man play it cool. Do it like you mean it baby. Yeah that's right get in the groove, work it off. Get it right, get it right. I'm risking everything this time. Everything I knew, everything I loved, I was laying it all on the line. I'll have babe ravishing after my ass just like he used too and this time I'll be adding a bowl of whip cream on the side. There's no way he'll be able to resist my fine ass looks.

I've been so damn blind. How could I forget that I was Inuyasha Shigure? The number one sexiest god on these fucking blocks—no, no, the entire universe. I owned this. All this shit was my kingdom and it was time I reminded Sesshomaru who was the sexiest man around. Just who did he think he dumped? I ain't just some common hanyou. I am the hanyou.

He loved my body right? I'm guessing that he'd like to be reminded of much he really enjoyed it.

And what better way to show Sesshomaru my hot body then to exercise outside in my front yard. This was the plan. Sesshomaru comes out at around six forty five in the morning every day to get his newspaper right? So my deal is to be out here in nothing but my gym shorts doing a couple moves I know babe can't resist and boom, he'll start talking to me we'll have make-up sex and no one will be the wise. Shiiiit I know what I'm talking about; this'll be too damn easy.

My pair of red and black tiger striped jerseys was used as my ass enhancers to give my ass that extra clingy appeal. It's about six forty two right now and I can see his newspaper sitting nice and snug on his nicely cut grass next to the mailbox. Mind you I had to move it there so he wouldn't just up and grab it then go in the house. I had exactly eight seconds to look sexy as hell so I had to work it just right.

My hair was braided in a single bound last night to give it that lusty, wavy effect once it came undone. Sesshomaru told me he liked it kinky bump looked 'cause it made me look exotic. Watch what happens when I toss some water on there. I'm gonna have that J. Lo appeal like nobody's business. I cleaned myself off with my favorite scented soap—all nice and Irish spring-like—just in case Sesshomaru wanted to do something else besides just check me out.

Ok, ok, its six forty four, almost time for the moment of truth. I reached around for my heavy plait and started undoing it as fast as I could until it bumped at the ends. Good, that's good. I uncorked my bottle of spring water and poured it over my head, all of it. Damn shame I didn't have a chair to do this in. I'd put ole girl to shame.

With my body glistening wet and shiny and my hair looking wildly erotic, I started doing some random jumping jacks in place and some audible air punches to make it sound like I'd been out there a good while.

Three seconds later, Sesshomaru appeared looking as fine as the day he was born. Damn he sure knew how to make a bathrobe like sexy. Oh, oh, I'm supposed to be exercising. Right.

"Ha, Ha, Ha!" I threw punch after punch, doing that Goku 'Ha' he did when he powered up and threw in a couple of Vegeta kicks to emphasis my unspeakable strength. "Ha, Ha, Ha—hell yeah—Ha!" I was being a little loud but I needed to be sure he could see me.

I maneuvered my moves down towards the edge of my lawn as Sesshomaru was just bending over to pick up his newspaper.

I stopped mid kick in the air in an almost hypnotic trance. Sesshomaru just don't know what he's got. My meat was steadily growing inside my pants, getting as heavy as grid iron. Shit babe got back for fucking days. Just look at him, just as luscious and plump from behind. "Damn," he had me hard.

As I leaned over to get a better view of my babe's beauty, I was about to support my elbow on my mailbox but for some got'damn reason the shit wasn't there and I ended falling to the side. My face connected with the mailbox incredibly hard, loud as hell—we talkin' that bang was echoing loud enough to bring Mr. Mixon's nosey ass out his front door to find me rolling in the grass damn near close to tears. My face was throbbing like nothing I never felt before.

I was too shamed to pick my ass off the ground and just stayed there. Out of the corner of my eye I caught Sesshomaru looking at me and shaking his head as he went back inside, shutting the door. "Shit," I groaned. I fucked this one up royally. I'd messed that up all because he had to bend over. Damn I need another plan.

I rolled over on my back, relaxing my hands on my sides only to find my head settling on top of something fuzzy. And wouldn't you know that it's Mr. Mixon's ass looking down at me like I'm stupid.

"You a'ight boy?" He grumbled, half sleep.

That's how nosey he is. Always getting in folks business. "Yeah Mr. Mix I'm cool," I reached up to cup my cheek. "My face just hurtin'."

"Shit it should," he chuckled. "Yer done hit that mailbox hard enough to crack a brick."

Oh my god I hate this man. "I know dude, damn. Weren't you asleep or somethin'?" I grouched from the ground.

"I was, but I can't 'cause yer got crazy ass kids out here hittin' dey heads on mailboxes."

Oh now that's just cold. He didn't have to do me like that.

Damn now I know I'm ashamed. This plan hadn't worked like I thought it would at all. Looks like I'll have to try something else.

After I get myself a bathe to clean off all this nasty dirt, grass and clean my hair—I felt my cheek and flinched—damn and after I put some ice on my shit.

"Awwww damnnnn," I done fucked up my face. I have a huge ass purple bruise on there like somebody laid me out. "Tsk," would you look at this shit? How am I supposed to attract anybody when I didn't even look the part of sexy? Ok it's cool, it's cool. Just a minor setback. This is fixable and easily ignored. I'll be healed within a couple of hours. I just have to deal until later.

But this does give me an idea.

Yesterday's plan hadn't gone the way I hoped. No big whoop. All I have to do is make sure today's scheme works out better. It's around ten o'clock Tuesday; about fifteen minutes before I knew Sesshomaru would be heading off to the hospital to do his rounds. He had to be there by at least ten forty five and he always left early enough to grab a cup of coffee from the locate gas station.

Babe is a doctor right? Doctors have to heal people. So here's what I'm gonna do. I need to figure out a way to get myself hurt without it hurting, but it's gotta be when he's about to get in the car. So what can I do to harm myself and got feel any pain. I mean I could fake the funk and then sneak in a kiss while he's looking at my boo boo.

Yeah I can just picture how it'll be. I'll act like I cracked my crown or some shit and Sesshomaru will come jogging over with his medic bag to see if I'm alright.

"Are you alright Inuyasha?" He'd ask me.

And of course I'll have to do some tears to make the mood better. "No Sess, I hurt myself when I came over to see you," or something to that effect. "I-I wanted to apologize for being a stupid asshole."

"Shhh it's alright, I'm here." Then we'd cue the magically medical bag with all the healing goodies. "Is there anything I can do to make it better?"

"Yes," I'd sniffle all helpless and stuff. "You could kiss it to make it feel better." I bat my long lashes over my big puppy eyes because no one can resist them.

And bam!

Sesshomaru would smile that sexy grin that makes me cum enough to flood a tub and it'd be smooth sailing from there. We'd kiss and have make-up sex in my front yard and all would be smooth as gravy. Yeah boy that's how ya work it.

Alright it's about time to head out. I put on some of my pitiful clothes, to make my injury look extra sympathetic; a red hoodie and a pair of dark blue jeans with some black tennis shoes. The hoodie was going to hide my face because I can't let the world ever see my perfection ruined for even a minute. That's like the apocalypse coming early.

I check out the window just in time to see Sesshomaru locking up his front door. "Show time!" I said excitedly. Pull my hoodie over my head; I quickly hurried out my front door about ready to fake a trip . . .

But all of a sudden I felt a sharp whack to the back of head hard enough to knock me flat on my fast. My head was vibrating like crazy as I reached around to cup the tenderness rupturing bad. My first instinct was to turn around to cuss out the fool who pulled a sucker punch, but that was a bad move.

Just as I turning half way, that same slam came full force, rocking me head with a snap forward and this time I managed to roll to the side to catch the bat Mr. Mixon was about to hit me with again. "What the fuck is wrong with you old man!" I shrieked when he came swinging again. "What the fuck—eeep!"

"Get yer ass out this neighborhood boy!" Mr. Mixon swung that big ass bat around with all his human strength, nearly taking my head off. "Yer ain't stealin' shit!"

What the hell? Is he kiddin' me? "Mr. Mix man what's up—whoa!" I cocked my head back to miss another strike.

"Take yer ass outta here boy. Ahhh!"

"Mr. Mix shit, it's me man!" I jumped away, stumbling backwards just as he lifted his bat for the home run. "Look, look, look, look!" I yanked off my hood to show my face.

Mr. Mixon stopped taking a good long look at my face and a weird frown went across his face. "Boy," he began angrily. "What da hell is ya doin' robbin' ya own house?"

"Oh my God," I groaned getting pissed. "I wasn't robbin' my house fool!"

"Then why yer runnin' out ya house all fast and shit? I thought somebody done knocked ya out with da mailbox."

"Fuccccck," I flopped on my back completely forgetting he'd know my sockets straight and tossed to my side to rub my head. I kept my head bowed so I couldn't make eye contact with Sesshomaru. Dude the last thing I needed was to see that 'you're a fool' look in his eyes. My head was shoved tight in my forearm with my hips jutted up, wiggling accidentally because of the tiny whimpers. My face was hurtin' I was starting to get a fucking headache and Mr. Mixon still hadn't shut up.

I lifted my head just a bit to be sure he was gone and just as I did I saw his car sitting on the road with his window down staring directly at me.

I looked at him.

He looked at me.

I blinked and gave a weak wave. Sesshomaru shook his head, giving me that stupid expression I couldn't stand and drove off. Again I was left to wallow in my pit of shame.

Ok so that wasn't exactly my best shot. I looked pretty dumb but hey what cha' gonna do? It's cool. All I have to do I is try again and this time make sure it won't involve me making a completely ass out of myself. And to make sure Mr. Mix's retarded ass was gone. Mother fucker was freakin' jinx. Time for the next one.

Damn I'm so stupid. Why hadn't I thought of this one before? I'm so damn crazy. Had I did this sooner, me and Sesshomaru would be screwing by now.

So here's the thing right? Sesshomaru has this thing with being sung too because there was one night he caught me singing in the shower and he said I could blow better than that dog down the street. So I sang a couple of times to him and he made love me to just to hear me sing another tune.

Yes so that's what the plan is.

The only problem with it is that I'll need to be a little careful because Sesshomaru wasn't going to be home until later tonight. It's Wednesday and from what I remember this will be the only day he got out around ten o'clock. About ten thirty he should be just getting into bed after washing of those creamy muscles . . . massaging that lusty chest . . . polishing his mouth watering dick. . . and cleaning between that juicy ass. . .

If anyone could see me now, my reflection is staring at me with my mouth literally hanging open, drooling salivating past my lips.

Damn I needed to get my babe back. I missed how he made love to me and how he always went from rough to gentle, soft to cruel. He worked me like no one else ever could and I'll be damned if I let some pussy faced asshole named Bankotsu touch what's mines.

I waited for what seemed like forever, nibbling on a popsicle while I waited. Things were taking longer than usual so I went to take a long hot shower, grateful my face had healed somewhat but I was still sporting that headache. I chucked a couple of Advil after my shower and when I went to check Sesshomaru's drive thru I was gratified to see his car parked outside. His top window light was on.

Oh that's right. I forgot he liked to read before going to bed. He said it helped stimulate his mind before going to bed or something. So that's beside the point. The fact is he's at home and this was my chance to go and sing my babe to sleep.

Now this was a scenario I knew would turn out just right. The only difference here is we'll be pulling some Shakespearian type shit and boy I tell ya it's gonna go just as I dream.

I'd crawl underneath his window, and throw a couple of rocks at the top floor. He'd come to the window without his shirt on, letting his hair flood his shoulders like Rapunzel and I'd come out singing my song from below. I'll pour my heart out into it and he'll become so entranced we'll do some romantic lovey shit that goes like this.

"Inuyasha it's late," Sesshomaru say concerned as he flips a handful of his hair over his other shoulder. "Shouldn't you be in bed?"

"I would baby but I can't," I'd sigh and kick my feet in the ground. "Every time I close my eyes I see your beautiful face . . . and then my good dream becomes a nightmare when I wake up to find you gone." I'd look up to see his lovely eyes, staring at me like the gorgeous angel he is and lay it on extra thick. "I miss you Sesshomaru."

Sesshomaru would heart stopping smile that makes me scream like a bitch and he'd say, "And I you Inuyasha." Oh baby, then he'd lick his fangs like he's ready to get a taste of some good meat—my meat— jerk his back to come on up.

From there we'd rock that entire house until the neighborhood knew how to spell our names.

Yeah boy. That's how it'll go.

I was so pumped for the outcome; I was quickly putting on some pajamas since I figured I'd be staying over anyway and quickly ran to my front door. Only I was sure to check around that Mr. Mixon was near. I didn't see him watering his grass tonight. Cool; that meant he was watching the Late Show or eating ice cream.

I hurried down the pathway and ran across the street, ducking behind some bushes when a car passed by. I went straight ninja, ducking a weaving my way through, being sure to keep my hair from getting snagged in the damn twigs. My arms were getting snipped and my legs got whelps and "Shit," I think that was a spider web. Let me get my ass out of here before I start trippin'.

Ok so I hunkered under the window just as planned and went around making sure that the coast was clear. No one was around as I bent to the ground collecting some of gravel in the soil and threw a few at the lit window.

Nothing happened.

Maybe the rocks were big enough. I gathered another handful making sure they were bigger in size and started tossing those at the glass for a few minutes. Every time I thought I saw some movement I ducked behind the bushes only to discover it was just a shadow. He hadn't heard my rocks? Damn.

I looked around for a bigger one and spotted one about the size of my palm lying nestled near one of the bushes. This one shouldn't break his glass as long as I don't throw it too hard right? All I have to do is be gentle.

Bouncing the rock in my hand I drew my arm back and lunged the rock up—"Shit!" The rock hit the window and went straight on, smashing the fuck out of Sesshomaru's window. Oh my damn he's going to fuck me up. I peeked out of the bushes to see half his body dressed in a t-shirt and some pajamas as his silvery hair cascaded out the window. He has pure anger written all over his face as he scanned the front lawn and sniffed the air for the dumbass—namely me—that was crazy enough to bust his window open.

"Who's there," I heard him hiss. "Show yourself."

Hell it's now or never. Taking a deep breath, I swallowed my inner bitch and jumped out of the bushes, singing as loud and out of tune, completely tone death. I spread my arms wide, loudly portraying my undying infatuation like a teenage stalker, while Sesshomaru's mouth light gapped, looking at me like I'd truly lost my mind.

But I didn't care. I just kept singing. "You'll always be a part of me. I'm part of you indefinitely. Boy don't you know you can't escape me. Oh darling, 'cause you'll always be my baby!" I shook shoulders and start bobbing my head, snapping my fingers, twirling and dipping, knowing I was the shit as I kept singing. "And we'll linger on. Time can't erase a feeling this strong. No way you're gonna shake me. Oh darling cause you'll always be my baby—"

Sesshomaru's hand was covering half his eyes as he dragged it over his face and braced his chin on the back of his fist, listening to my crazy ass wake the dead. I didn't care. I was just happy to see him paying attention. "Oh darling cause you'll always be my baby!"

I hit that high note, wavering and coughing around the dryness. Suddenly the window next to his shot open and out popped the last person I was expecting see.

"Would you shut the fuck up?" Rin shrilled, covering her ears. Long strands of her brown hair broke free of the single ponytail on the side of her head. "Shit bro whatever the hell is wrong with you leave Mariah out of it!"

I ignored her and kept singing. "You'll always be a part of me. I'm part of you indefinitely. Boy don't—"

Sesshomaru dropped his face in his hand, moaning, "Oh my god." I didn't know whether that was good or bad but I took it as the first and kept going. Maybe I was breaking him into.

"Ugh dude shut up, damn you sound like trash!"

"Fuck you!" I weaved into the song and waved my arms, singing louder.

Rin covered her ears and toss her hands in the air. "Look, you good for nothing pussy, get the fuck out of here before I call my brothers!"

That snapped me out of my love song. "Call yo' fuckin' brothers brat. I ain't scared!" I hollered back. "I need to talk to Sesshomaru!"

Rin leaned half her body out of the window. "Sesshomaru doesn't want to talk to a cry baby bitch who can't be man enough to admit he's gay!"

I don't know how or what happened but the B word left my lips before I could pull it back. I was that mad. "Bitch take yo crazy ass in the house. This ain't even about you!"

Rin gasped, outraged. "Bitch, who you callin' a bitch? Yo mama's a sorry bitch!"

"What—my mama ain't no bitch!"

"If I'm a bitch, ya mama's a bitch!"

"Yo, I'll kick ya ass—Sess I'll fight a girl!"

"Yeah and get your ass kicked my one too!"

Sesshomaru sighed, running his hand through his hair. "Rin," he called softly. "Go in the house."

Rin paused, "But Sesshomaru?"

"Rin."

She hesitated looking between the two men before retreating back inside but not before flipping me off and telling me to kiss her ass. Yeah right. As if ya tramp.

Now that were left alone, I cleared my throat about to progress with my music until Sesshomaru's icy interruption cut me off, "Why are you doing this?"

I closed my mouth, cocking a slow grin. "Ain't it obvious?"

Sesshomaru narrowed his eyes. "Obvious that you've gone mental? Yes, yes it is."

I frowned at that. "No," I sighed heavily. "I'm trying to win you back Sess. I miss you."

I fold his arms on the window, flipping his hair out of his face. "Hm, is that all?"

"What do you mean is that all? Yes I miss you. I want us to get back together."

"Why?" he asked again.

"Because," I cracked my neck to the side, wishing he'd come down so we could talk about this. But I knew I was pushing it by just getting this much. "I just want us to get back together."

". . . I see. Is that the only reason?"

I tilted my head to the side, confused. "I mean," I scratched behind my head. "What else is there Sess? I miss you. I want us to get back in a relationship. We had something good and I don't want to lose that."

"Right," Sesshomaru stood as if making a determination on something I said. "If that's all Inuyasha I have to get to sleep."

I gasped, and hurried to the side of the house. "Sess, Sess wait man. I mean it. What did I say? Did I say something wrong? Sesshomaru," the window was closing shut. "Sesshomaru please!"

"I've moved on Inuyasha," I heard him say through the window. "I suggest you do the same." The window closed shut and the curtains closed over the hole I created.

He was gone.

Sealing Sesshomaru from me; closing him off from my life. I couldn't—No I wouldn't let this happen. "Sesshomaru, Sesshomaru!" I called out. "Sesshomaru please!" For fuck's sake what did he want from me? What did I have to do to prove to him that I wasn't bullshitting him?

What. . . "Fuck," I groaned punching the side of the wall. Sesshomaru. Damn. He'd moved on? Did he really?

What did he want from me? How could I prove to him that I needed him back in my life? God it was like being addicted. I wanted, needed him to be with me. I couldn't stand us being a part. What did he want me to do to prove myself?

As I sighed and pressed my back against the wall, I suddenly felt the urge to sing and soon Ms. Braxton's Sad Love Song was rolling over my tongue like sweet acid. Ole girl's words woke something in me and before I knew it I was singing out loud and wishing I had Sesshomaru out to listen to me pour my heart out.

I thought I had my wish when I heard the window open—escape it ended up being Rin's and a large water filled condom came flying out and breaking on my head. All the murky water soaked my entire head, drenching me from head to toe in a soggy mess.

"I play about a lot of shit," I heard her say through my mass of hair. "But my family and Anita I can't let folks fuck with. Now get the hell away from here you wanna be R. Kelly before I fill you up with somethin' hot!"

I swear to god I hate being fucking threatened. "Shut up tramp. Ya know you ain't gonna do shit!" I screamed back.

"Oh you think so?" She sweetly countered.

"Damn right."

"Ohhh ok," She giggled strangely playfully. "Don't move my friend. I'll be righttttt back."

Something told me I should take that as my chance to run but she'd already called me a pussy and insulted my manhood. I'll be damned if I let some lil girl try to—

"What the fuck!" I heard fast speed whistles, shot past my head impelling the ground as I glanced up to see a bee bee gun in Rin's hand. "Have you lost your mind?"

"Shut up!" She let loose a barrage of ammo as I dip and dodged through the metallic rain, listening to her malicious laughter from afar. "And don't bring your stupid ass back until you get some common sense, stupid! Hmph!" She slammed her window shut; peeking through the curtains to be sure I wasn't sneaking back.

Man fuck that, she ain't gotta worry.

I'd already slammed the door behind me panting and holding my heart, still unsure if I was still alive. I can't believe that chick just went ape shit. Ugh I need to think of something else.

This isn't over. I'll have Sesshomaru understand how I feel.

I just needed to figure out how.

Maybe . . . maybe mom will know what to do.

TBC: Epic fail indeed lol. I loved this chapter.