Author's Rant: Someone's finally going to appear in this story guys lol. ~Wink, wink~

Gentle Strength

Remember that time I said I should ask my mama about this? Yeah we're gonna scratch that. I keep forgetting that she doesn't know the entire situation. I'm just gonna need to figure this out on my own. I'm a bit slow when it comes to understanding issues of the heart, so sue me. I've never went to this extent to try and win someone's heart. Whenever things got too complicated I'd just up and leave because I never saw the point of pursuing.

Only this time, I couldn't leave it alone. I wanted Sesshomaru back in my life. I needed him back in my life and for him to tell me that he moved on? Damn it hurt. I couldn't remember ever feeling my chest constrict so tight. He'd broken something in me that no other's done before in so little time.

In one month he's changed my life and it was with the intentions of there being more than sex between us. It'd just be a merging; sort of switch from desiring ass to wanting more out of the relationship. I hadn't thought much of it and just went on from there. After the first night we had sex—made love— I suspected that was all he wanted from me. A romp in the sheets was what we both wanted but he proved me wrong when he asked me to stay and come more often.

He invited the opportunity for our relationship to blossom from there.

I just—I wanted the beauty of what our bond represented. But I freaked out when I discovered the ugly half nestled deep inside that I couldn't handle looking at. I could count on a single hand how many times I've had to worry about anyone being concerned about my correlations with a person because up until now I'd been straight.

So why couldn't Sesshomaru see that I was a victim too? He wants something from me, I can't figure out what, but deep down I know it's something too difficult for me to deal with. The cons easily outweighed the pros of what I'm assuming he wanted from me.

The idea came after Rin spoke about me not coming back until I had enough common sense to understand. She'd mentioned as well as that son of bitch Bankotsu that I was too much of a pussy to admit to being gay.

Is that what Sesshomaru's aiming for then? For me to confess to being gay?

"Shit," I ran a hand over my uncombed hair as I rolled on my back to stare at the ceiling. Drawing up a knee, I theorized over that probability wishing there was some other way around it; if that was what Sesshomaru really wanted from me.

But to do that would be too damn much. I'm not gay. I just had sex with one man; I'm only attracted to one man. I enjoy being around just one man. I take the term for homosexuality to mean being fascinated with the same sex period, regardless. But I still have the hots for titties, pussy and ass. And I'll be damned if I labeled myself a bisexual because that shit's just wrong.

That's a meaty thing I refuse to chew on.

Sighing through my nose, I pulled my upper torso up on the bed until I was sitting Indian style, pushing my loose strands from my face.

I haven't left this house in two days since the incident on Tuesday. Classes were missed, phone calls were ignored and I couldn't remember the last time I slept or ate something. My thoughts were full of thinking about Sesshomaru and trying to manifest some kind of attempt that I could try to get him to see that I wasn't bullshittin' him. Every time I thought about him it hurt to know he wasn't by my side anymore, that someone else was succeeding to make him happy when I could not.

That following Wednesday when I had thought of another scheme to use, I was walking outside the door when I saw Bankotsu coming out of the house. So I'm guessing when he said he moved on, that was who he was talking about.

My blood boiled into a sizzling stream throughout my veins when Sesshomaru kissed him on the cheek and they parted ways. My anger for that fucking human was a moot point as I realized that I had no one else to blame but myself. I hadn't been man enough to try and claim what I wanted and someone else had.

So that left me here, lodging around in my bed with nothing but a white tank and cotton pajamas to mourn my loss and anguish. I wanted so badly to call my mom so we could talk and she'd say everything would be ok.

But my pride kept me from reaching over to my phone to dial that familiar number because I was old enough to control my own life. I couldn't keep running to her whenever something went bad. So, I pondered to myself; what exactly do I need to do in order to fix this massive shithole I wedged myself in?

Publicly saying I'm gay is out of the question because technically I'm not. I'm gay for Sesshomaru, that's the only piece of ungodliness I'll confess to. At first it didn't seem so bad coming to that conclusion, but it still didn't feel like it was enough. Damn I needed to think this shit through.

Thinking mentally about it wasn't going to help.

I jumped out of the bed and hurried to my closet to pull out a notepad and pen to write down the pros and cons about this. Yeah I know I said before the cons outweighed the pros but that was only in my eyes.

Maybe if I wrote this down it'd become clear.

Pros to Confessing:

Me and Sesshomaru can work things out.

The truth will relieve me of this pent up anxiety.

I will be happier.

Sesshomaru will be happier.

I could gain my friendship back with Kagome.

I could gain back what was loss and move on with the man I . . . .

Cons to Confessing:

Risk losing my reputation.

Social Ridicule.

Parents will disown me.

Friends will refuse to hang around me.

Girls will stop flocking.

It was as I trickled down more of the listed issues I noticed I hadn't finished the last sentence in my Pros list and there was one that stood out to me the most.

Sesshomaru would be happier. I could make him happier by confessing I'm gay. And that I was. . .

I was . . . "Shit," I slammed my materials on the floor, stunned and somewhat afraid to what I just realized.

My eyes were wide, my palms sweaty and my chest heaved deep shaky breaths as I shook my head at what I knew was true. I was—I was in love. That was it, the root of why I'd been so damn stupid and foolish all this time. For fuck's sake I was in love man. That's why I'm taking this shit so hard. That's why I can't see myself without him.

I was in love with Sesshomaru. I loved him as much as he loved my crazy ass. Possibly more than that.

But why did that scare me so much? I-I've never felt this strongly for anyone and here I was scared shitless about realizing that my first true love was for a . . . a man. "Oh my God," sweat bubbled over my lip as I drew my fingers over my banes, twining my fingers over my eyes.

Damn I was whipped. I pretty much fucked the pros and cons thinking they didn't even matter anymore. I needed to talk to him, to say something. I just needed to understand what he wanted from me. Would saying I'm gay be enough to prove I loved him? Would be it really be enough to get us back together?

Whoa, before I go all Super Hanyou about it, I needed to practice this shit in the mirror. Ain't that easy coming out of a closet you didn't know you were locked in right?

The second I hopped out of the bed, I aimed straight for my dresser mirror, shaking my hair freely to give it that retro freedom look and took a deep breath. Ok, ok, ok play it cool. Play it cool. Just come right out and say it like you mean it.

"Sesshomaru I'm g-g-g . . ." Oh my damn this is hard. Ok let me try again. "Yo Sess good morning to ya. I just wanted to tell you that I was g-g-g-ga-g-g-ga." Shit this is tough. Was it really that hard to just say gay? I could think it all day but actually verbalizing the word was a whole other matter. And hell no, I'm going to send that shit in a note.

He's already pissed at me for that singing shit.

Come on Inuyasha, focus, focus, focus. If you want Sesshomaru that bad you'll just blurt the shit out and get it over with. Ok again, "Sesshomaru," I began with my reflection. "I need to tell you something babe. I'm feelin' you a lot. I can't stand someone else being near you. That's why I'm willing to say that I'm g-g-a-ga-a-ay." Almost had it that time but I'm gettin' the bad case of the stutters when I get around to it.

"Sesshomaru listen, I need to tell you that I'm g-g-a-a-y G.A.Y." Shit another failure.

"Sesshomaru shut up and listen 'cause I'm only saying this shit once. I'm C7AY." Oh God. . .

I'm gonna need some extra practice.

Practice ended up being a two hour long session in front of my reflection until I thought the glass came to life and that was my cue to go get something to eat before I panicked and lost my mind.

Saying that junk in the mirror helped a little but it still wasn't holding that dramatic feeling it would if you were about to say it to the actual person. I was just going to need to work up the nerve when I went over after eating my cereal.

I hadn't been in the mood to cook much these days either. Just too much on my mind to concentrate and when the urge did kick it, it'd always be to cook a meal Sesshomaru enjoyed. Then I'd lose my muse and just settle for ramen or a quick dinner.

Whipped indeed. Whew I had it bad for that man.

I chuckled to myself at how I sounded so weird thinking that. But it was true. In the little time I was able to think through, I felt more and more ok with being in love with 'em. He was everything I could ever dream about except that he was a man and that was no longer even the issue anymore.

I looked over that small fact and replace what was once a flaw into a positive. Only man could truly understand how another man functions, thus there always being endless nights of fulfilled orgasms and snuggling.

The more I thought about it the more I got fired up, ready for time.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

I blinked, weirdly. "Who the hell could that be?" I mumbled to myself. The rest of my cereal was slurped up and the bowl placed back on the counter as I hopped off my stool and went to see who it was. I shouldn't be getting any visitors this early in the afternoon. It was what almost twelve?

Pulling up my saggy pajamas, I peeked outside the door and my heart stopped. "Shit." Of all the damn people. Talk about bad timing. Sighing heavily to myself, I rolled my eyes as I pulled the door open to let my two stupid friends in. "'Sup ya'll?"

"Well damn don't sound too happy to see us," Koga sarcastically returned. "Who you expectin'?"

"Don't worry about it," I lowly grumble. "Come on."

Miroku stepped in, closing and locking my front door. "Been a while since we last seen you. You been good man?"

"Nah," I truthfully answered. "I ain't been good. I feel like shit."

"Ya look like shit too dude." Koga sniffed the air around me and quickly drew back, swatting at his sensitive nose. "When was the last time you bathe? Shit."

"And when was the last time you cleaned? Your house is filthy bro." Miroku said.

Another eye rotation commence as I waved him off and went to my living room to park my ass on my couch. The other two came behind and joined me. It was then I suddenly took note that they weren't dubbed in their usual tasteful attire. Miroku had on a navy blue sleeveless shirt tucked in a pair of khaki slacks and Koga's sweatband was missing as well as his ponytail. All his hair was pulled back in a low braid down his back and just like Miroku, he opted for a basic black tee and dark blue jeans showing a piece of his red boxers.

"So what's been goin' on with 'cha?" Koga asked crossing his legs. "We been callin' but as usual you don't know how to answer ya phone."

I sat back, folding my arms. "Ain't shit to discuss dog. I just haven't felt like talkin' to anybody."

"That'd be cool if we were just anybody," Miroku countered, concerned. "But we're your friends man. If somebody messin' with ya, let us know or talk to us or somethin'."

I chuckled humorlessly. "Trust me bro, what's going on with me ya'll don't need to worry about." I waved him off. "Besides, I need to handle my own shit."

"But it helps to talk it out with folks instead of holding it in."

"Thank you Dr. Feel Good but for real, forget it man. I got it."

"Pfft, dude I hope you ain't gettin' soft over some pussy." Koga cackled. "They're a dime a dozen these days. The bitch probably wasn't all that—"

I don't know what possessed me after he said that. All I know was that I was off my couch and cuff Koga by his throat, digging my claws in his throat. "Talk shit about 'em again man. Please do that shit again, I'll rip your fuckin' throat out."

"Ok, ok, ok," Koga coughed, gagging and waving his hands. "Chill dog, it ain't that serious." He wheezed.

"Keep your mouth shut about shit you don' know about Koga. Sesshomaru ain't just a dime a fucking dozen. He's more than that to me." I slammed his stupid ass on the chair before stalking back to my couch. I completely ignored Miroku's bewildered look and Koga's dirty glare that soon turned into astonishment when he realized what I said. It'd just slipped before I had the chance to bring it out but the cat was out of the bag now.

And my chest fastened at the wide eyed expressions I took as disgust.

Fuck them. I'm too far gone to give a damn about it anyway. "Get the hell out." I quietly said to them both.

Miroku blinked, unsure if he heard right. "Inuyasha, wait man. I just wanna—"

"Get. Out." My tone signaled danger and they both knew not to fuck with me when I was like this.

Koga was rubbing his throat, soothing the bruise soon to arise as he stood, jerking his chin for Miroku to follow. But my mortal friend refused to budge. He sat right where he was, disregarding my warning and the subtle flow of youki filling my living room. Things crackled, shit slowly sizzled and yet the only one to take defense was Koga as he too rose a slither of his youki to counter the mixture.

"I see," Miroku sighed, finally standing as well. "When you're ready to talk, we're here man."

"Just get out," I quietly growled.

I saw them share a look out of the corner of my eye before Koga shook his head and they went for the front door. Each patted foot step against my carpet, echoed as loud as my heartbeat as I listened to them leave. I wanted to end my friendship with them before they could with me. I didn't want pity, I didn't want forced companionship. If they couldn't understand—No.

I lowered my eyes to the palms of my hands as my energy steadily gained stability and I cupped my face, dreading the loss of who I considered my very best friends besides Kagome.

The front door opened, and Miroku's scent was the first to go.

But Koga's lingered. He was still standing there, holding the doorknob as if wanting to say something more, but his lips wouldn't work. His shadow cast his quiet actions from the sidewalk and I turned my head away, wishing he'd just go.

"I didn't mean what I said Yash'. Call me when you cool down." Then he left.

And it was the same as when Sesshomaru had closed his door on me before. I chose to let them go so that they wouldn't let me go. I didn't want it to hurt as much as it would when they looked at me with the impure glares I knew would be there. I couldn't stomach the expressions. I kept my face buried in my hands as I tried to shake it free of the burn gradually piercing the back of my eyes. The lump of thick sorrow soon coated the inside of my throat until it left me choking around it to gasp out pitifully.

I thought I had it figured out what I wanted to do but in a flash for that one small moment I couldn't do it anymore. My confidence to confront Sesshomaru had vanished so quickly. All because they'd found out and I was frightened to see the results my confession would bring.

I hated feeling this way. I hated feeling so helpless and confused. I knew what I wanted to do but I wish I could build up the strength to do it. I just. I just wish that I could somehow. . .

My face became dampened as I uncapped them to release the blunt of salty tears down my stained cheeks. I hatefully swiped at the fucking tears, angered that I'd be brought down to this and felt so alone. I cried. Yes I cried for a loss I felt was coming soon and help me I didn't want to be left alone to deal with this.

I didn't want to go through this alone. I just couldn't—

It was just then that the putrid stench of my own misery was suddenly stabbed with the smell of sweet perfume. Light and subtle, but it was enough to ring me off my couch and running to my front door. I'd know her beautiful scent anywhere. I'd loved her since the day I was born.

And God how glad I was that her instincts were so strong. She knew I was upset. She could've possibly sensed it from so many miles away, and it made her come to me. She knew I needed her. Her gorgeous blue eyes, that mile long stretch of black hair—my mouthed balled at the image slowly coming to ahead. That beyond angelic face and warm graceful smile had me jumping over furniture and knocking over everything to get to her; to see that lovely smile that magically made everything go away.

"Mom!" My call was a choked whisper as I yanked my door open and threw myself in this beautiful, strong woman's arms. My mama had come.

She knew her baby boy needed her.

And I cried my heart out as she rubbed my head and rocked me from side to side as she did when I was a little boy.

I'd missed her so much.

I don't know how or what possessed her to come but god I was glad she came. Mama's comfort was exactly what I needed at a time this devastating and heart wrenching. I was near my breaking point; I didn't think I could take much more of this anguish.

But she came.

We didn't talk or speak a word at first, but I knew we were going to talk eventually. Mama did finally say that we'd talk after I cleaned myself up and she straightened up this rat hole she called my house. I wasn't gonna comment on it and simple went to do as I was told, taking a long hot shower and making sure to wash behind my ears. Mama's always been impeccable when it came to cleanliness and she won't hesitate to check me from top to bottom to be sure I cleaned everything.

Yes she had the power to make a six foot two eighteen year old bend to her will. That stirred a longer session of washing until half my bottle of body wash was gone and my hair was silky clean. All the excess water was rung out and shook free, until it fluffed out. I'll let it hair dry because I don't have the energy to blow dry it for the next hour. I pulled a red hoodie and matching sweats on with a pair of white shocks; they're pity clothes but who gives a damn?

I braided my hair to my scalp in a soggy French link and shoved my hands in my pockets, walking down the hall. My nose was twitching when I smelled something cooking in my kitchen and smile to myself.

Mama could never help herself when it came to making sure I ate good and here she was already grilling something nice. "Hmmm," I loudly hummed. "Dang Mom, ya got it smellin' good in here."

"Feel better?" She hugged me as I came in to peek over her shoulder.

"Yes ma'am." I whiffed the boiling stew and sighed blissfully. Mama can throw down when she wanted too. "Have I told you the most beautiful lady in the world?"

"You don't need too sweetheart," She winked at me. "Your daddy already does."

"Ew," I crunched. "That's nasty."

"Shut up and go fix the table. Smart mouth."

"Yes Mommy," She tickled behind one of my ears before swatting my butt to get me going to the dining room. I loved those quiet moments at home when I'd play with my mama this way. When I was a pup she'd always shoo me out of the kitchen with a cookie to bribe me to stay in the living room with my lazy daddy. I'd crawl to sit in his lap while he slept in the recliner and eat my cookie. I would purposely dust my crumbs in his nose and quickly leave to watch him snort them out of his nose.

Oh yeah good times. I was a bad ass kid, but he whooped my ass good for that and she told me it served me right for being hard headed. But I could never give her a hard time. Whenever she was around I instantly became an angel.

Because she was mine.

And this was one of those times I needed my guardian angel to help me through this.

When I finished setting the two places, mom came out with two bowls of stew and I was fast to grab them so it wouldn't spill on her. Gratified with my gentlemanly skills, she kissed my cheek and my chest swelled like I'd done something good.

We said grace and then started to eat. Well she ate; I wolfed my food down, burning the hell out of esophagus. I choked and struggled to swallow the thick chucks of steak and soft potatoes soaked lovingly in thick gravy and suckled over the mushy carrots like fingers.

"Boy slow down," Mama giggled, using a napkin to clean off any excess dribble.

"Can't help it. You know I love ya cookin'."

"Hmm mmm, you're just too lazy to cook anything yourself." She dabbed both corners, shaking her head. "You're just like your daddy."

"Like father, like son," I shrugged.

I told her about school and what everyone was doing over our lunch as she told me about what's been going on at home and with my old friends around the neighborhood. Some of the guys I used to hang with were either joining the military or attending school far off elsewhere. Mama said she was glad we all turned into a decent generation unlike those she could say hadn't been as fortunate.

After finishing up I washed the dishes and cleaned off the table while she sat in the living room waiting for us to have our 'talk'. I tried to prolong the time but in the end you can only wash a couple of pots and bowls for so long before you started scrubbing the material off. I put them all away and feeling the tiny pup I used to be, I timidly started walking to the living room staring at the back of mama's head.

I walked around the couch where she patted her lap and I crawled over the couch, stretching my legs over the arm and resting my face on her thigh. I sighed and waited, looking toward the television instead of her face as she trailed her fingers over my slick banes.

"Inuyasha."

"Yes Mommy?"

She chuckled, "I know you're going through something rough and I doubt it'll get easier anytime soon."

I nodded. She had no idea.

"But honey I want to know why you're being such a coward."

I nodded—wait what? "Come again?"

Her fingers coiled in my banes, parting the hairs aside to caress my brow. Sighing through her nose, she patted my cheek and said, "I know you've been lying to me Inuyasha."

"Lying about—ouch!"

She smacked my cheek, "Don't insult my intelligence Inuyasha. You know better than that."

"Ow," I rubbed my cheek. "Yes ma'am." Yeah I did know what she was talking about. The only question was how did she find out and why wasn't she trippin'?

"Mr. Mixon told me how you and that young man would go to each other's house practically every day."

"Of course," I rolled my eyes sky bound. Trust Mr. Mixon's retarded ass to run his mouth.

"Hm Mm," She softly smacked my cheek again. "He tells me everything. You are such a nasty child."

"I am not—ouch. Mom god!"

"Don't talk back sweetie." She smiled too nicely. Then her face slacked with concern. "I wish you would've been the one to tell me that you were so happy. I would've loved to meet the person who could make you smile that way." My mom cupped my cheek and turned my head to face her saddened expression. "Inuyasha he told me how you were always smiling, how you never missed a day spending time with that boy and even going as far as to buy gifts? You hadn't done that much for anyone. Not even Kagome."

"Mom," I swallowed, reaching up to touch her soft cheek. "I'm sorry. But I just—I couldn't deal with ya not lovin' me anymore." I dropped my hand. "Come on, . . . who'd want to have a gay son huh? I was worried you'd hate me or something for not givin' you any grandchildren or that I was in love with a man."

"And how would I look as a mother if I didn't think about your happiness coming first?" Izayoi tilted my chin up, thumbing away the tears I didn't know were falling away. "Honey if a man is able to bring that beautiful smile on your face, who am I to stop him? I don't have to have grandchildren to make me happy. You are what makes me happy; when I see you smiling." Her index tapped the tip of my nose as she leaned forward to plant a kiss on my brow. "That's enough to make me accept whoever you decide to be with sweetheart."

I sniffled, eyes squinting shut as I buried my face in her stomach to conceal the unmanly croak shot out of my lips. Fucking crying again. Shit.

Mama rubbed my hair and massaged my scalp as I clung to her body. "Shh, shh, it's ok Love." I heard her whisper as she cradled my head and promised me it'd be ok.

Just as she did when I was small.

She kissed my pain and made it go away.

"Inuyasha."

"Hm?" I murmured against his shirt.

My face was pulled from the cozy safety of her stomach as she leveled with a warm and stern glare, "Don't you ever lose sight on what makes you want to live, you understand? I was very disappointed in you when I heard about your argument with that young man.I know you hurt us heart by discarding him like. And in front of your friends."

"Yes mommy I know." Wait a fucking minute. I frowned. How in the hell did she know about the argument? . . . Wow. "Oh for Christ's sake," I slapped a hand over my face. Mr. Mixon just can't keep his mouth shut for shit.

She grabbed my chin and raised my eyes to meet hers, "Regardless of who told me, I don't want you going around making a fool out of yourself again. Do you understand me?"

"Yes ma'am." I gave her a watery smile, which she returned just as kind and beautiful as she's always been.

"Now then," Shifting in her seat cushion, Mom reached over to grab a sofa pillow and lifted my head to place it underneath. "Start from the beginning. How exactly did you two get to know each other?"

Wow, thinking back to that time, I could resist thinking over that moment he opened the front door.

"It all started when you asked me to make him a pie," I smile wispily at the memory. "It was Lemon Meringue . . ."

A new day, a new start.

Things were about to change for the better.

And I will take the first step to make sure they do.

Ding. Dong.

Damn the sun was bright as hell today. My hair was killing me being combed back in his too handsome style and this suit? A cream colored Calvin Klein with the chest pocket poking out a red hanky and some stylishly polished black shoes to boot.

I looked like I was ready to go to church.

Ding. Dong.

Why did I have to wear this stupid red tie around my neck? And did she have to put these stupid creases in my slacks like this? Shit. I hate this.

"Just a moment."

There it was; his deep, sultry voice, naturally sizzling over the hairs on my arms and neck.

I gulped, shifting from one foot to the other as I gritted my teeth and took a deep breath. My stomach bubbled and my armpits were starting to sweat, but it didn't matter. I wasn't backing down now and I wasn't going to give up.

The doorknob unclicked and turned. . .

. . . It was now or never.

The door swung open in the slowest of motions until Sesshomaru appeared as handsome and regal as I remembered.

I loved him so much. With all that was in me as I took in everything that made him so special, I knew he was meant for me. Inuyasha Shigure was in love with Sesshomaru Espada, forever and always.

And I wasn't ashamed to admit it then; not now, not ever.

I stood proud, strong, eyes not once faltering as I gazed at the man I loved, determination written like stone across my face. No bullshittin' no crazy or any weird out freaky shit. This was really it and I planned to get it right this time.

"Sesshomaru, we need to talk . . ."

TBC: Well my loves, if no one's noticed by now, this story is coming to an end. There are two or three more chapters left. I'm almost sad I updated so fast. I was enjoying this story. But I know you all enjoy speedy updates so ~shrugs~ Lol.