Disclaimer: I do not own, and it is better that way. Because I don't want responsibility for it.
Warnings: AU to the nth degree. Mashing X1, comics, and Origins into something weird.
Notes: Of course Deadpool would want to check out the school before hand. Should've posted this before chapter 6 of Chicken House though.
Caldo de Pollo for the Black-Hearted
by Fairady
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"Bet you can't bounce a quarter off of yours."
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Scott wasn't having a bad day. Bad days started at an unholy hour because one of the kids had been showing off and someone got hurt. Which led to a school assembly where he had to lecture, again, about responsibility and the proper usage of powers. That always led to an afternoon of having to deal with sulky teenagers who seemed to think it was his fault.
"So, how far can you blast things with your eyes? I can get up to a hundred feet with mine and then it just seems to lose steam. Think Viagra'd fix that? And what gives with the headaches? You get those at all or is that just a me thing? Because if it's a you thing, you've got like the third suckiest power ever. No, wait, fourth. Does that kid have tentacles growing out of his forehead? Man, he'd got a bright future in Japanese porn waiting on him!"
No, Scott wasn't having a bad day, but he wasn't having a good one either.
"And this," Scott shoved the masked man he was escorting into the closest empty room. As far as he was concerned, none of the kids should be exposed to this Deadpool. Why the Professor thought the man needed a tour was beyond him. They could have spent the time convincing him to bring that poor girl over sooner. "This is one of three chemistry labs we have. Students are expected to take-"
"Chemicals!" Deadpool was already across the room and pulling bottles out of the supply cabinet. Scott was pretty sure it'd been locked. "Hey, if you can get me some fertilizer I can mix up something really cool. Give the kiddies a show!"
"No!" Scott scrambled to cross the room and grab the chemicals away. It didn't take a telepath to figure out the man was crazy enough to do what he said he was going to do. It'd only taken him five minutes of constant chatter.
Ok, bringing him to a lab had been a bad idea, but still infinitely better than letting him mingle with the children.
"Aw, why not?" Deadpool looked like he was pouting behind the mask. Which was surprisingly expressive for being a two toned piece of cloth. "It's for science!"
"The supplies are for students, Mr., um, Deadpool," Scott pinched the bridge of his nose just under his glasses in a futile effort to ward off a headache. He'd known it was coming when Deadpool refused to disarm himself and the Professor hadn't objected.
"You do get headaches! See, I knew it wasn't just me. You really suck, you know that right?"
"What?"
"Your eye lasers, duh!" For all that Scott couldn't see the man's eyes, Deadpool did a rather impressive imitation of the average teenager rolling his eyes at an authority figure who was too dumb to get them. "They give you headaches and since I got mine from you, now I get your headaches! You suck."
"What?"
"Oh forget it!" Deadpool threw his hands up in the air. As exasperated as Scott was confused. "I'm not explaining a whole plot point that really doesn't fir in with the current movie. I don't get paid enough for that."
Scott bit back another question by sheer force of will, sure that he didn't want to hear the answer. He turned to the other door in the room. Continuing the tour as if he hadn't been stopped at all, "Through here is one of our lecture rooms. It's equipped-"
In retrospect, turning his back on the obviously unstable man had been a singularly stupid mistake. A man like Deadpool was capable of doing anything given half a chance. By turning his back, Scott had given him more than half a chance.
The slap to his ass was entirely unexpected though.
"Ooo! Nice and firm! Well, not like mine, but not many people can reach the level of perkiness I get. What exercise regimen do you use? I prefer pilates myself. Gives me that great tone of muscle that you just can't get alone in a gym."
"You-!" Scott whirled around and took one hasty step back, glaring at the clearly unrepentant man.
"Me!" The mask contorted until Scott realized Deadpool was grinning. "Aw! You're kinda cute when you're trying not to blast someone with your eyes. I just good gamed you, man! No need to get so defensive! We're both professionals at this business and I just thought we could share some good butt firming tips while doing this tour thing."
"The lecture room is right through here," Scott ground his teeth and carefully led Deadpool to the next room. Without turning his back again. He sincerely hoped that whoever this Rogue was, she'd be easier to handle than her guardian.
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