Usual Disclaimer
RPOV
The last two weeks have been a miserable hell for me.
I didn't want to live in a world without my Dimitri. I just wanted to cut myself off from everyone. But every time I'm alone, all I seem to do is replay the day he left.
-----Flashback-----
-----Two Weeks Ago-----
I woke up early that morning because it was the first practice I was going to have with Dimitri after everything that happened to Mason a week ago. When I had gotten back from Spokane, Dimitri said that he loved me and with the emotional rollercoaster I've been on lately, I really need to be close to Dimitri. The urge to be closer to him made me walk all that much faster to the gym. As I approached the gym doors I peeked inside and saw that Dimitri had his back turned towards the door. He was obviously in deep thought.
"Hey Comrade" I said as I walked into the gym.
I must have startled him because he jumped at what I said. He then turned around to look at me and he just stared. I had gone full out this morning trying to look as beautiful for him as possible, it must have payed off.
"Hey" he said in an almost broken voice. I could tell he tried to cover it up but I picked up on it before he could hide it.
"Is something wrong?" I said, and as I did I finally took in what he was wearing. He wasn't in his usual workout clothes and he had a look in his eyes that said he was trying to tell me.
He closed his eyes and as he did I just stayed there waiting patiently, but I felt that he needed me so I walked up to him slowly. He then opened his eyes and locked his gaze with mine. I could see something in his eyes, something that worried me and I wanted to let him know that I was there for him if he wanted to talk about it. So I slowly reached up with my hand and touched his cheek. The moment I touched his skin it sent shockwaves through my body just from that one touch. I thought for sure he was going to pull away like he usually does but he didn't. Instead he slowly started to lean in towards me.
I realized after looking into those warm chocolate eyes that I didn't want to be away from him anymore and that maybe he didn't want to be away from me anymore. I then moved my hand that was on his cheek to behind his neck and pulled him towards me in a kiss that felt amazing. As our mouths moved as one, I couldn't help but notice that he wasn't pulling away. Instead he pulled me closer to him making sure that there was no space between us. I knew that I needed to be close to him, and apparently he felt the same.
He reluctantly pushed me away; I knew it was too good to last. We were both trying to catch our breathes from that amazing kiss and we just looked into each other's eyes. I could see how much he loved me just from looking into his eyes. We were still standing so close to one another but then something changed in his eyes and he stepped back from me. As he was taking deep breathes and put his guardian mask back up and I knew that he was going to be in strict mentor mode today.
He then looked me right in the eye and said something that I couldn't make out. He must have realized it because he then repeated himself and said something that killed me inside, "I'm leaving Rose."
I couldn't believe it; I didn't want to believe what he just said. Then I took in his facial expression and realized that he was really leaving.
"What? You're leaving? Why?" I said in a shaky voice.
"I'm leaving to take Tasha's offer."
"You're serious?" I felt tears begin to swell in my eyes.
"Yes. I'm trying to do what's best for you, I don't want to hurt you-"
"You don't want to hurt me?" I screamed. "If you really didn't want to hurt me you wouldn't be leaving me. How could you think this is the best for me?"
"Roza, I-"
"DO NOT CALL ME THAT! You are not allowed to call me that anymore."
"Rose I'm sorry. I'm doing this so that you can have a chance of a normal life."
"My life can never be normal Dimitri." The tears I had tried to hide then began streaming down my face and I couldn't stop shaking. I felt my legs start to go numb and then before I knew it I collapsed on the ground. I felt him run to help me but as soon as he got close I sprang back up. I refused to show any signs of weakness. And as I looked at him, I gave him a look of pure hatred.
"Rose, I know you must hate me-"
"You think" I snapped. Now I was getting pissed and I could honestly say Lissa had nothing to do with it. This was all me.
"Alright I deserve that but Rose I want you to stay away from Ivashkov, I know his type and I don't want him to take advantage of you."
"Adrian could never make me feel as cheap as you've made me feel right now." Venom dripping off of every word.
"When have I ever-"
"You were just kissing me not even ten minutes ago and now you're telling me that you're leaving and that you're never coming back because you would rather run off with some scar faced bitch." He flinched. Good. "And to think I believed you when you said you loved me"
"Rose how could you think that I never-"
"Don't lie to me Dimitri. I know that you never loved me, and you know what? I hate you and I never want to see you again. Have a nice life with her Guardian Belikov." But I realized that I hadn't hurt him nearly as much as he hurt me, so I did the first thing that came to mind. I reached up, grabbed him by the shoulders, and thrusted my knee into his crotch. He then fell onto the floor in, what I hoped, was extreme pain. He deserved it for what he did to me. I ran towards to gym doors needing to get as far away from him as possible. And just as I opened the doors, I called his name and when he looked up I told him to rot in hell.
I then ran straight to my room and as soon as I shut and locked the door, I broke down crying. How could he do this to me? I hate him. But even though I hate him, I know in my heart that I love him so, so much and that the pain I'm feeling in my chest will never go away. Only he could do this to me.
-----End Flashback-----
The week that followed that day was horrible. I would cry myself to sleep every night. And I also found myself waking up screaming in the middle of the night after thinking about him. I felt so depressed and I just wanted my life to end. I didn't want to live in a world without him. But he probably wouldn't even care.
I tried to starve myself, refusing to eat or come out of my room. But Lissa being the friend that she is didn't want me to die so she got Alberta to break down my door and whisk me off to the infirmary. I tried to fight back when she grabbed me but I was too weak after no eating for days.
I then stayed in the infirmary for a few days because they had to force feed me. I refused at first but then I started to obey. So they let me go back to my dorm room. I remembered how when I was in the infirmary, I started to write a song which is something that I haven't done since Lissa's family was killed. But I thought that if I got my feelings written down on paper in some shape or form then maybe I might feel better.
-----Flashback-----
-----One Week Ago-----
All I seem to do is think about Dimitri. I knew that I needed to get out of my room and go somewhere where I could relax. And I knew just the palce.
But before I could go anywhere I had to check up on Lissa. I then quickly slipped into her head.
"I'm really worried about rose." she said. She was in the attic of the school's chapel with her boyfriend, Christian. They were talking about me and how weird I've been acting lately. I knew that she was just worried about me but I couldn't tell her the reason why, she would be mad at me and I couldn't take that right now. I then slipped out of her head and put up my barriers to block her out completely. I knew she was safe and right now I needed some me time without her emotions getting in the way.
I then quickly headed to the old music room. It hadn't been used in years but the piano was still in pretty good shape. I wanted to use it and play the song I wrote, I really needed to get everything that has been bothering me lately off my chest and music always helped me do that.
When I got closer, I looked around to make sure that no one was watching me. It was mid-winter so everyone was inside. I then slipped into the room and quickly shut the door behind me. I then walked over to the piano and sat down.
I didn't do anything for a few minutes; I just sat there and stared at the key for a while. Then I sat up straight and started playing the song I wrote about Dimitri.
It started out slow and as I sang I could feel the tears swell in my eyes thinking about Dimitri.
I waited for you today
But you didn't show
No no no
I needed You today
So where did You go?
You told me to call
Said You'd be there
And though I haven't seen You
Are You still there?
I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone
And though I cannot see You
And I can't explain why
Such a deep, deep reassurance, yeah
You've placed in my life
We cannot separate
You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen
I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone
We cannot separate
You're part of me
And though You're invisible
I'll trust the unseen
I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel You by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone
By the time I finished, I was crying. "Dimitri, why did you have to leave me, I thought you said you loved me, you promised to never leave me."
As soon as I said that I felt shock through the bond and I could immediately feel Lissa in the room with me. I then turned around and just stared at her wide eyed. How did she get in here without me hearing? I thought, I wonder how much she heard.
"How much did you hear?"
"Everything" That seemed to be all she could say.
"Lissa please don't be mad at me for not telling you. I know I should have told you about Dimitri, but I couldn't. Please understand, I can't lose you too. Please, please don't leave me."
I fell to the ground and put my hands over my face and cried harder. I hate crying in front of Lissa. It made me feel weak but when I did, I was always really upset and she was always the only one who could help me.
I needed Lissa now more than ever and if she left me too I wouldn't know what to do. But instead of yelling at me and leaving me, she came over and hugged me. I wrapped my arms around her and clung to her. I didn't want to lose her; I really needed a friend right now. I just cried into her shoulder for what felt like forever. I just said the things that were torturing me inside hoping that she could help me understand why he left. I asked her thing like, "Why did he have to leave me?", "Why does it have to hurt so badly?", and "Was it my fault?"
"No! No it was not your fault!" she said.
"Then why did he leave?"
"Because he must have just been afraid of how awesome you are." I started to laugh, which is something I haven't done in a long time. She always knew what to say to make me feel better. I then looked up at her with tears in my eyes and whispered a thank you.
"That's what I'm here for, but you and I really need to talk."
"Yeah but don't you have plans with Christian." I really wanted to talk to her but I knew that she had made plans with Christian and I didn't want to ruin them.
"Yes I do but I can cancel. Right now you need me and we really need to talk. No more putting this off."
"Okay, thanks Liss."
We then started heading up to my room where we could get more privacy. On our way there, I noticed Lissa texting Christian, probably to let him know that she couldn't see him tonight because she was going to be with me. I felt a little guilty for ruining their night but it felt good to have my best friend back again. I really needed her right now.
When we finally got to my room I headed straight for my bed feeling exhausted after all that crying. I faintly heard Lissa lock the door making sure no one would disturb us. I then felt her sit on the edge of the bed. She was trying to think of how to start the conversation. I just waited patiently, not wanting to push her. She then just decided to get straight to the point. She asked when it all started and what all happened between us and I told her the complete and total truth knowing that that was exactly what she deserved.
I told her everything starting with our training sessions to stolen kisses, how I hated Tasha, and I got all the way to how I had used Mason and felt responsible for his death. I broke down after that and she tried her best to try and comfort me by telling me that is wasn't my fault. That Mason died because it was Mason's decision to go back in the house.
And I'm glad he did because if it wasn't for him and Mia, you may not be with me right now. I heard her think through the bond but she didn't want to tell me that for fear that I might yell at her so I didn't say anything.
After a few more hours I felt really tired and I soon fell fast asleep next to Lissa. I was so thankful that she didn't hate me for keeping this secret from her. I really am lucky that I have her.
-----End Flashback-----
The week that followed was easier for me. Lissa was always there for me when I needed her. She was always so helpful. Telling her about Dimitri was really something that I needed. Although every time I saw her, she seemed to be hiding something from me. I had enough problems to deal with on my own and as long as she wasn't in any physical or emotional harm, I just let it slide.
I hadn't seen Lissa all day today and when I tried to slip into her head she blocked me out. Weird.
Ring…..Ring…..Ring…..
I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. When I got it out I looked at the number. I didn't recognize it but answered it anyway.
"Hello?" I said.
"Hello Rose, its Tasha." With sound of the last word my anger shot up. How dare she call me after everything she's done to me, I hate her and she's calling me, what a bitch.
"Oh hi Tasha," trying to sound as polite as possible, "Can I help you with something?"
"Yes, I was just calling to invite you to Dimitri and I's wedding. I knew you two were close and I thought that you would want to come." With that I felt my entire body go numb but what she said next hurt far worse. "Yes with the baby due in about eight months we wanted to try and have the wedding before I started showing. You know all brides hate to look fat on their wedding day." And with that I ran out of my room faster than I have ever run before.
I didn't want to hear another she had to say. It was like she was trying to hurt me. As I ran, I heard voiced shouting at me and I could have sworn one sounded just like Lissa, but I was crying too hard to hear.
I then ran to the cabin Tasha stayed in only about a month ago. I ran all the way to the pond that she, Lissa, and Christian had ice skated on. It looked so beautiful even though it was covered in ice. I thought about everything that Tasha had told me and I couldn't take it. I didn't want to be alive knowing that Dimitri would never hold me or kiss me ever again. I wouldn't be able to handle seeing him all the time because if I became Lissa's guardian and she married Christian, then I would have to see a lot of him and I can't take it.
I then began to walk on the ice and started walking towards a patch of it that looked thin. I knew that if I fell through then it would be painful but nothing could be as painful as losing the only man I have ever loved. I walked right onto the weak piece of ice and nothing happened although I could hear cracking underneath my feet and knew that it would only be a matter of time.
All of a sudden, I heard someone yell my name from behind me. I then turned around only to see what I thought was a hallucination.
Dimitri. He was running towards me with what looked like a face filled with horror.
I thought that it had been only my imagination. But as he got closer I could see that he was real. His face showed so much pain and I realized that it must be because he knew that I was trying to kill myself. All I wanted was to run into his arms and as soon as I was about to take a step I fell through the ice.
The minute the ice water touched my skin, it felt like a thousand knives piercing my body. I tried to swim to the surface but as I got closer something stopped me. It was a solid sheet of ice. I tried banging on it to try and get it to break but it didn't budge.
I then saw a shadow hover above me and then I saw that it was Dimitri brushing the snow away. I could see he had tears in his eyes and it looked like he was streaming out my name. I knew then that I was going to die and I wouldn't even be able to tell him that I loved him. And just as I blacked out from the excruciating pain I was in I heard what sounded like glass shattering and felt someone grab my arm before darkness completely consumed me.
Yes I reused the song "Never Alone" by Barlowgirl and again I do not own it. Enjoy. Thanx for the reviews, it makes me feel good that you all appriciate my work.