How Commander Really Shepard Saved The Galaxy

a fanfiction by kinokokichigai

War. War never changes.

Or at least that's what I was always told when I was growing up—military brat and all that. My mom and dad both fought in the Contact Wars, and tried their damndest to keep me out of the military and away from aliens. But when the Collectors hit my colony, they died after shoving me into a shelter, and there was no way in hell I wasn't going to join the fight after that. Got myself enlisted as a technician in the Alliance Navy the day I turned 18.

Then, of course, the Reapers showed up and everything really went to shit. I was lucky enough to be stationed in the Fifth Fleet, on the flagship SSV Orizaba, and thanked every god I knew of that I hadn't been in the Second Fleet. Poor bastards, and poor higher-ups who had to make that decision. I know Captain Shepard lost sleep over it, at least—I caught her dozing off while the head engineer was giving a report over possible effects of the Reaper's engine trails or something.

Truth be told, I wasn't listening too much either. I had just gotten a score of 115 on Fleet and Flotilla (don't judge me, asshole). It's a fun game and frankly the damn thing wasn't going to play itself. Reapers are coming, it's the end of days, and honestly I'm a weapons tech. I don't need to worry about engine trails.

Anyways, I saw Captain Shepard nodding beside me and cleared my throat to wake her up. She'd smiled a bit, thanked me, and went right back to her nap.

Now, she's sure as shit wide awake. One of the eggheads over in communications tapped into Commander Shepard's comm unit at the Captain's request—I guess she wants to hear her son's last words, because it's not like he called to tell her goodbye or anything. I don't remember him calling when he…came back to life, I guess? Either way, the Captain's biting her lip and doing her damndest to hold back her tears right now as she listens to her son pant, shout, and shoot his way through enemies.

Whatever works. I know I never wanted to hear my parents die—still do every night—but maybe the Shepards are made of sterner stuff. Someone on the bridge suggests that Captain Shepard takes it to her cabin, but he's quickly shushed. Most of us are on the edge of our seats. This is a hell of a lot quicker than staring out the window with panic running through our minds: if we hear the Commander die, then we at least have that time to gather ourselves and prepare for our deaths, as much as any person can. If we hear him survive, then we start partying earlier than the rest of the group. Call it morbid curiosity, except in a life-or-death situation.

The comm gets quiet, and we're all waiting with baited breath. We don't hear any dying groans or anything….

…wait. There's talking. It's the Commander. He's talking about…putting aside our differences. About working together. About building a better day.

Same as every other speech he's given, if I recall correctly. Who's he talking to? Then a groaning, terrible screech of metal fills the bridge, and it's clear: he's talking to the Reapers.

"Well, that's it. We're boned," someone says, and Captain Shepard lets out a broken laugh.

"Get ready to fire on the nearest Reaper," she says, wiping her eyes in one rough motion. "We'll give 'em hell, even if—" and then she's interrupted by her son's speech, still talking on the comm. He continues along the same lines of love and peace, and he's getting more assertive, saying that he has just the thing that will satisfy the Reapers. Better than anything else in the galaxy, he says, better than the destruction of countless peoples and better than any cycle that only brings about death and pain. Even better than the power of Element Zero.

We hear thumps through his comm, like things are falling to the ground around him. His voice grows distant, as if he's taken off his helmet. There's sound from the Reaper, but it's muted as well. Captain Shepard is leaning heavily on the station in front of her, her knuckles white with anxiety as her fists clench against her head.

And then, as indistinct as everything is, it's broadcast clearly over the bridge: a slow zzziiiiip.

The Captain's head shoots up, her face white. Over the comm, the Commander laughs, triumphantly, and starts some of the worst dirty talk that I've ever heard and

and

and

oh my god

I hear the Reaper moving. Its sounds are…lower, now? The Commander is laughing and telling the Reaper to

oh my god did he just seriously tell a sentient machine to ride that dick

oh god what in the actual fuck

Captain Shepard runs to the comm console and slams her hand into it, turning it off after an agonizing minute. The bridge is silent except for her panting, and none of us dare to look her in the face.

An agonizingly awkward ten minutes later, the pilot starts to shout for Captain Shepard. She hurries to him, and returns quickly after that.

"Gunnery Chief Philips," she barks to me, "go get me some brandy. And for the rest of you: the Reapers have gone. Don't. Say. A. Word. About what you've heard today, or so help me God I will have you court-martialed so fast you'll wish the Reaper's had stayed."

There' a stunned silence for a moment before the cheering begins, various cries of praise for the Commander being tossed around. When I return with the Captain's brandy, she retires to her room. Before she goes, she tells me that she's too old for this shit and to not follow her son's example.

I nod, and make a note to get a transcript of his pick-up lines.

Shepard's Magical Dick ™

sorry for the shitty ending, I busted this out in fifteen minutes after beating ME3 and I'm pretty tired. but frankly I think it's better than the game's endings.