A/N:
OK... this is dark... not as bad as it could be, and obviously it will differ from person to person... but this is not an easy subject. So, be warned now... I'm not telling you in the notes... but you may get the idea of it as you read the first few paragraphs, and at the end of paragraph 7, it should be fairly clear what it's about... if it's not, then I guess you'll just continue to read and be clueless until it becomes more apparent later on.
This is a sensitive subject! (and very AU... sorta... I mean, for all we know this could have happened... it's not like we know a lot about Karen Vick to begin with...)
This is RATED M... just ANOTHER reminder... in order to make sure that I don't underrate it.
This story itself cuts really close to home because of some things that happened in my past with a friend... and for some of you... possibly... it may hit close to home as well, which is why I put tear jerker, cause it may remind those of you who understand what it's like.
All right, don't want to spoil anything... so please, if you aren't good with sensitive material, don't read it, or don't blame me for not warning you...
CrazyBeCat
Scarred
Karen sucked in a shaky breath as she rested her head against the wall, a lone tear splashing against the wooden floor as a few more slowly squeezed their way from her eyes, and began their slow trickle down her cheeks, hoping not to be swept away.
Her heart pounded in her ears as she wrapped her arms around herself, remembering the pain she had gone through, the trauma she faced, the horrors that almost kept her from her dream of being a detective… from being a woman people looked up to….
She could hear her husband quietly singing to Iris in the upstairs bedroom, but it was a distant sound, a distant thought in the depths of her mind, as she ran a hand up and down her arm as she stared into the darkness of the living room, not wanting to face the light coming from the kitchen.
Her world was closing in on her, she could feel it suffocating her, could feel it squeezing the life out of her, smothering her… choking her… killing her… and she knew the only way to pop the impending bubble of death was to open up the one box in her heart she had thought she would never have to open. Seven years of marriage, nine years of friendship… and she still hadn't told him… he hadn't noticed…. In fact, she hadn't told anyone, no one had noticed… she even made it through her psych evaluation without having to bring it up… without having to let it be known. Even the one person she thought would know what she did, didn't… even Shawn Spencer was the most clueless man when it came to her… she could read it on the expression he wore whenever they were talking, he was trying to figure her out… he was trying to weasel his way into her mind the way he did everyone else… but he couldn't, she wouldn't let him, didn't allow herself to let anyone in… didn't allow her soul to be seen… she hid it beneath a shell, hid the pain and sorrow beneath the present. Her mother, when she wasn't drunk or on a date with a sleazy jackass, would always say Karen could have made it as an actress… her mother had no idea how right she was.
Her sister, was the only one… her sister was the one who helped her, helped her cover her tracks, helped her get through it, helped her deal with it… and it destroyed their relationship. The powers of her pain tore her sister away from her, and now the only thing they did was fight, and argue… her sister never told, but whenever Karen saw her, she could tell what was going through her sister's head, and it pained her to realize what she had done to her own sister.
Karen swallowed the watermelon of a lump in her throat and another tear broke against the wood, shattering into a million tiny droplets that then leapt into the air before falling down again to form various puddles with the remains of the previous tear that had slipped from the prison she held her tears in…. Karen scoffed as she brushed her index finger across her cheek, she had cried enough, she didn't want to shed anymore tears, couldn't stand to feel herself sinking deeper and deeper into the hell hole she had dug herself out of all those years ago.
Her parents divorce… her parents each remarrying someone else…. Her father's second divorce… her father dying from an overdose… her mother getting a second divorce… and a third marriage… and yet another divorce after having another kid… being carted around like some pansy ass rag doll… never living in one place for long enough to create friends. Her friend was her sister… and Karen had run her away… just like the few girls who took their time to introduce themselves… she had never been good with people… it took her a long time to squelch that beneath her shell and learn to work with people… she was never able to smile and mean it… was never able to laugh without it sounding fake… girls her age didn't like that, didn't like that she was different. They didn't know how to deal with her, so they left, stopped talking to her… which only made it worse…. Karen closed her eyes as she took a deep breath and ran her fingers against the sickening scars, across the pain, across the sorrow.
The girl was only sixteen, the girl hadn't even gotten to live yet. Karen saw death everyday… but cases like these always got to her… usually she could handle them, shove them away like yesterday's dried out, lumpy oatmeal… but something about this one was different… something about the look on the girl's face, the sorrow etched into her features from years of pretending to smile….. It reminded Karen too much of herself… and it scared her. Pulling her phone from her pocket she dialed in the forever-burned-into-her-brain number and put it to her ear, another tear hitting the ground as she listened to it ring.
"Barbara Dunlap, USCG, how can I help you?"
"Barb, it's Karen," her voice was dull, void of anything but emptiness.
"What is it?" Barbara's voice was thick with worry. Karen knew her sister knew the tone of voice she was using… knew that something was horribly wrong… and to hear such open displays of care, and concern, even if over the phone, made Karen's heart shatter into pieces.
"I'm too close to a case that was brought in… I can't handle it…"
"Don't even think about it." Her sister said sternly, the furrows in her brow fading vividly into Karen's mind.
"I don't know what to do."
"How about you do the one thing you should have done a long time ago but never did? The one thing I should have done but didn't do either… get, yourself, some help. You can't keep hiding it, no matter what. It won't go away. Doesn't matter how long it has been. You're stronger than it, and for a full twenty years you've done a damn good job, but it's going to eat you alive no matter how strong you are, or how long it has been. Get some help, Karen, or so help me, I will force you too, physically if necessary. It's not healthy, it's not safe, and if it were to progress into what it ended with the first time who knows what could happen. So get some help, someone to talk to."
"How? What about my job… I can't risk losing my job…" Karen said, her lip quivering.
"You ask for help. You find a guy on your own, whatever it is, you need help. Even if you lose your job, your health and your life are far more important than your job."
"How do I start?"
Her sister sighed on the other line before speaking in a serious tone, "I don't know…. You tell him, how about that. You can't hide it forever, and it's best to start with the closest one whom you've been hiding the truth from. Despite sleeping in his bed, and vowing to tell the truth, I don't think he's going to leave you..."
"Don't you start that with me!"
fonti"I'm not starting anything! I'm simply stating the mere truth! You take that oath every time you're in court, it's part of your job! You're the one who called me for help, not the other way around!"font/i
Karen swallowed and swiped a tear from her cheek, "I know... I'm sorry."
"Karen, you need to tell him. Whether you ever tell anyone else or not, he deserves to know what you went through. He loves you, and has done so much for you, he deserves to be allowed into that part of your past. It'll come up someday, somehow, and it's better for him to hear it from you."
"How will it come up?"
"There has to be some sort of record of it somewhere doesn't matter what precautions I went through… and now regret doing with every cell in my body.… It's most likely as a Jane Doe, but you know how people can connect things and seek them out, who knows how, but someday it might just happen. Also, if you do anything again you know damn will that I will bring it up. You know, I would risk losing my own job for being a cover up, if any thoughts began to cross your mind again. I worked a double shit and cut down on my classes to make sure you got the help you needed without Caroline finding out and sending you away."
"I know… and thank you." There was a stretch of silence before Karen spoke again, "How do I tell him? I don't know what to say to him."
"So you're asking me? The one who isn't good with men, and the one who has no idea what if feels like to be in your position?"
"Well... who else am I supposed to ask?
"Karen, I'm going to hang up now, you need to tell him, and have your detectives not come to you with information about her death, let the M.E.s, and your detectives take care of everything. So long as it isn't homicide, you shouldn't have any problem not having to deal with it."
"It's not."
"See, no reason for you to have to get involved."
Karen set her lips into a straight line and sighed, "Yes, guess you're right."
"I am right, and you know it. Now go tell him, it's better late than never, but even now is later than when you should have told him."
"Yea, I'll think about it."
"No, no thinking, tell him, or I will. It's been a hell of a long time, and he deserves to know. It's not as if you succeeded in killing someone."
Karen rolled her eyes and laughed dryly, "Yea, but I tried, and almost did."
"But you didn't. Now good bye."
"Bye."
Karen was about to press the end button when Barbara spoke again, "Hey Kare, don't forget to remember that I love you."
"I love you too Barb," Karen's lips twitched into a sad, half smile as she hung up.
Closing her eyes, she could hear her husband still singing, and Iris giggling, an empty feeling filling her as she thought back to the horrific day a week before she turned seventeen.
Karen Dunlap looked through the window at the rain. She smiled sorrowfully at how the rain matched the way she felt, and mimicked the tears that were spilling over her cheeks, turning her eyes red, forming white streaks down her flushed cheeks, and splashing onto the cold wood floor of her bedroom.
She listened to the pitter-patter of the rain tumbling to the ground, and roofs, and the other various objects that lurked within the foggy, shadowy outside world from her bedroom window. She listened to the silence of her house, her mother was away with some sick date, Karen hadn't seen her father for more than a year, and her sister was gone with some girls from college; she was alone, just like she always was; no one even cared how she felt about anything. Karen twirled the knife in her hand as she continued to look out the window, the wood handle smooth, and the bottom part of the blade cool to the touch as it made contact with her hand as she twirled it.
Taking in a shuddering breath she gripped the blade tightly in her hand, her knuckles white, the tip pointing downwards. No one would ever care, they always left her alone anyway. Not a soul would miss her.
The blade pierced through her skin...
Karen sighed as she turned around and made her way up the stairs. Her sister was right… she had to tell her husband.
"Hey Michael," she smiled sadly as she ran into him as he was closing their daughter's bedroom door.
"Karen?" He placed a hand on her cheek, noticing the anomalous pain within her eyes, "What's wrong honey?"
"I need to tell you something. Something I should have told you a long time ago, but was always afraid of what you'd think of me, and that you wouldn't love me anymore."
He gathered her into a hug, pressing a kiss to her forehead, "There's nothing that would keep me from loving you."
Her body jerked as she began to sob into his shoulder, "What if… what if I…"
He pulled away slightly and brushed the tears from her cheeks, "What if you what?"
"What if…"
Barbara Dunlap sighed as she hung up the phone, and collapsed onto her couch, remembering the horrific night that almost took her sister from her….
She had gone out with some friends, and their mother had left earlier that evening to go on a date with some guy that Karen had actually arrested a few years back for drug dealing; Barbara had felt that something was off, but she went anyway. She'd had a great time and she had come home, laughing as she waved off her friends, calling after them, "Till the ends of time!" She remembered smiling as she got a bunch of mangled shouts in reply as her friend's vehicle disappeared around a corner.
She had pulled out her house key and unlocked the door. She had shoved it open, slammed it shut behind her, and threw her coat onto the back of the couch, promising herself she'd remember it later… but never had…
"Kare!" Getting no reply Barbara furrowed her brow as she began ascending the stairs, "Kare-bear! What movie do you want to watch? How about something scary so I can laugh when you scream and pee your pants like a seven-year-old?" She shouted, reaching the top of the stairs.
Scoffing she made her way to her sister's bedroom, "What did you do? Break something and you don't want to tell me? Flood the bathroom? Fall asleep? The one thing you hardly ever do…."
Barbara pounded on the door to Karen's room, "Come on Karen, you aren't a heavy sleeper, never have been! There's no way you aren't awake right now!" She pounded harder as she jiggled the handle to find it locked, "What the hell…. Come on Kare! You're scaring me! What the hell is going on!" Stepping back she slammed her body into the door, "Karen, unlock the door!" Stepping back again she lifted her foot and smashed it into the door just beside the handle. Pounding her fist into the door when it didn't open she raced downstairs to the kitchen where the spare keys were kept. Sifting through them she found the one labeled 'Karen', and sprinted back up to her sister's room.
"Karen, I swear to God if this is some sort of joke I'm going to tie you to a pole outside! Naked!" She screamed, tears pricking the corners of her eyes, and worry racing through her as she fumbled with the lock, "Karen, open the door… Karen! Dear God, Karen! Please! Come on!" A few tears began to spill down her cheeks, "This isn't funny!"
Finally getting the key into the door she flung it open, "Karen?" Her eyes grew wide, "Oh, God… Karen!"
Her sister was lying in a pool of blood, a knife in her limp hand, her wrists slit, "Karen!"
"Karen, you don't have to be afraid to tell me anything. Whatever it is, we'll work it out."
"Michael, when I… was sixteen…"
"You know what, if it pains you so much to tell me, then don't tell me until you're ready. I don't want you to cause yourself anymore trauma then you've obviously been through." He wrapped his arms around her again, running a soothing hand up and down her back as he made soft shushing noises, "You are very important to me, and I want to know what's bothering you, but if you aren't ready to tell me, then don't force yourself to tell me, I can wait until you're ready."
Karen pushed from his arms and turned away from him, "I don't deserve to be treated this way! My God, I've lied to you about this for years, and all you can say is you can wait? You aren't mad at me? How are you not mad at me for lying to you?"
Michael laughed softly, "Sweetheart, just because I'm your husband, and we vowed to tell the truth, doesn't mean you aren't entitled to a few secrets. The only way I could be angry with you is if you cheated on me, but I know that's not something you would do, not with what happened with your parents. What else could there that's so drastic that I would be mad at you?"
"I could have stolen from you! I could have planned this whole marriage as a scam! I could be a dirty cop! I could have killed someone!"
"Karen, honey, what could you have stolen from me that I wouldn't have given to you? How could you have planned this whole marriage as a scam when I can see how much you love me with everything you say, and everything you do? No con artist is that good, to be able to go this long with the same intense emotions, if not stronger, as when it started. Finally, I know that you have killed someone, but it's not as if you wanted to, but to save your life, and those of your fellow officers, you did the right thing to shoot that man."
Karen sucked in a shaky breath, "Michael… what if… I tried… to… to… kill myself?"
Barbara gathered her sister into her arms, tears streaming down her cheeks. She could still feel some warmth from Karen's limp body, could feel a slight pulse from her sister's neck, but she wasn't conscious, and with all the blood that wasn't in her body there was no way she would last very long. With some effort Barbara was able to stand to her feet, and using the wall as leverage, was able to carry her sister down the stairs and out of the house. Huffing and puffing she placed her sister in the back seats of the brand new car she had gotten as a birthday present, and used all three belts as a hopeful attempt to keep Karen from being tossed around in the car.
Clambering into the driver's seat, she slammed the door shut and peeled from the driveway, various scenarios racing through her head as she raced to the hospital. What had her sister been thinking? Why would Karen do such a thing? How did she not notice? What was she going to do? How was she supposed to explain this? What was their mother going to say? Was this some sort of sick attempt to get their father to talk to them? Was it her fault? Was Karen being bullied at school? Was Karen angry with someone? Was Karen afraid of something? Was there something she could have done to prevent Karen from doing this? Would she have been able to stop this from happening had she not gone out with the girls?
Was Karen going to make it?
After what felt like hours, she finally arrived at the hospital. Pulling into the emergency drop off zone she jumped from the car and jerked the back door open, "Someone help me!" She cried out as she began to unhook the seat belts, "Someone help me! Help! Someone help!" She continued to cry out, several people running over. She pulled her sister from the car, struggling with the limp body, "Someone help! Someone help! Help!" She sobbed as a few men in scrubs ran up to her and began to assist in carrying the body of her sister.
Everything was happening so slowly… Barbara could hear voices, could feel the weight of her sister's body being taken from her, could feel the tears streaming down her cheeks, could hear someone trying to get her attention, but all she could think about was her sister… that it was her fault her sister had done this, and it was her responsibility to keep people from finding out who they were, so as to make sure they wouldn't find out it was she who had left Karen home alone.
Jumping into her car, her mind fuzzy, a blank haze of nothing, she zoomed off, drove away, hoping that no one was able to get a license plate number.
She had to make things better, had to keep people from finding out, had to make sure it never happened again, all while making sure no one found out it was her fault Karen was home alone. She'd find a way to get Karen home without people knowing who they were, she had too… both of their reputations depended on it. Karen was her responsibility now… she had to make sure that everything was taken care of, that everything would go on without people finding who they were.
Michael gave Karen a shocked look, "You…"
"I was almost seventeen."
"Oh my God," Michael wrapped his arms around her and drew her in for a tight hug, he shifted his hand up to the base of her neck, pressing her forehead into his chest, holding her as close to him as he could.
He could feel her arms winding around him, and a fresh wave of her tears began to stain his shirt as her shoulders jerked in rhythm with her sobs, "I'm so… sorry I… nev…er tol…d… you. I… don't… deser…ve to be… treat…ed so nice…ly."
"Hey," he began to run his hand up and down her back comfortingly, "don't say that. You deserve every once of love I can give, and more. You are an amazing wife, an outstanding mother, and a wonderful Chief of Police who assists in putting horrible men behind bars."
They stood there, her arms wrapped tightly around him, her slowing tears staining his shirt, his hand rubbing her back in a soothing rhythm, for what felt like hours before she spoke, in better control of her voice, "My sister found me. I don't remember it personally but she told me. I had locked my door, and she started to freak out, trying to break it down. She told me she had been crying, that she ran down and got the spare key to my room and when she unlocked my door I was lying in a pool of my own blood, the blood from my wrists. I was unconscious, she said she could barely feel a pulse in my neck, since she was unable to touch my wrists. She carried me out of the house and drove me to the emergency room, and after they took me, she drove off…. She came back and signed me out under a false name, made sure that no one was able to find out who we were… our family had already been disgraced enough, and she didn't want Caro- our mother… to find out."
Karen swallowed and took a moment of silence before continuing, "She took on a double shift, and dropped out of a bunch of classes to get me some help, and to continue to hid it from everyone. She watched me like a hawk, kept as many sharp objects as she could away from me. Had her friends come over when Carol- our mother was out, and used them as a way to keep a better eye on me, without telling her friends what was going on. I wasn't even fully conscious when she took me out of the hospital, how she got it past the nurses and doctors, I'm not sure because she never told me. She bought me jackets to cover up my arms, long sleeves, and bracelets. She drove me everywhere, took me to work with her where I worked on my school work, drove me to a special, under the table, therapist, in efforts to get me some help, and after a while it started to, but it was hard for her to pay for it all, and as I got better I tried to pitch in, taking a twenty here or there from a wallet, I tried to find a job, but it was hard because I had to keep up 'appearances' at school."
She pulled from her husband, and rolled back the sleeves of her robe, "Don't feel like it was your duty to notice, no one has, and it's not as if anyone would think of looking for scars." Taking his hand in hers she ran his fingers down the long scars of her left arm.
He jerked his hand away, tears of his own starting to trickle down his cheeks as the intensity of the situation began to crush him. He ran a hand down his face, "Oh God, and I… I never noticed. Not once did I even think… you were… I was…"
"played." Karen finished for him.
Michael took her hands in his own, "No… I was a fool. A fool for not realizing that there was more to you to discover. I was always so happy to have you come home alive, to have you tell me about your day. I mean, I always knew you were complex, and I'd never fully understand you, but I was a fool for not looking deeper, for not realizing that you went through a lot when you were younger and may not have been strong enough to handle it. Not once did it cross my mind that because you had no one to talk to at a young age, that you may have turned to something different to handle the stress."
A fresh wave of tears sprung from Karen's usually dry eyes, "You don't… feel like I played you? You aren't angry that I lied?"
He pressed a kiss to her forehead before gently crushing her lips with his own, his palms against her cheeks, his fingers playing with her bangs. Pulling apart he wiped away the tears from her cheeks, "I could never be angry with you, only with myself that I for one second thought that there wasn't more to your history than I already knew. I could never feel played, just foolish by my own mistakes of believing that you were 'unaffected' by what you went through. I love you Karen, I love you so much."
Karen choked out a relieved sigh and tugged him down for another kiss, "I love you too Michael. I'm so glad to have you in my life."