A Day in the Life
October 21st
My life has officially gone down the toilet. I have been shat upon from on high and some cold, heartless deity has pulled the plug.
I met Suigetsu at Starbucks on the way to work this morning to get my cup of coffee. They always have the broadsheets out on display on a rack so that customers can pick up a paper when they get their coffee. The usual suspects consist of the important, intellectual newspapers such as the Konoha Times, the Suna Inquirer, the Otogakure Guardian, The Daily Blab (the Rock Village journalists appear to have a sense of humour) and the The Mizu Mirror.
On each and every one of the front pages roared the headline: "VICIOUS AIRLINE ATTACK! CORPORATE BIGSHOT ASSAULTS CABIN CREW!"
And taking up the whole page was the most hideous image of me I have ever had the misfortune to behold with my waking eyes. I was half-emerged from the canopy, my eyes going in different directions, lunging and flailing my working and broken arms wildly. I had clearly just swung for the air steward (Jin, 24, from Konoha) because he was sprawled on the floor in the foetal position, weeping, and there was blood all over my shirt. You could just see Suigetsu's arm in the background, attempting to restrain me - to no avail.
I looked like, for the want of a better term, a smack-head. Or a mindless lunatic. Or a drunken, drugged up corporate employee suffering a serious bout of air rage.
No prizes for guessing what the public at large will believe...
Worse still... Jin, 24, from Konoha, wants to go to court and have me charged with assault!!
I think I must've went into shock because my boiling-hot coffee slid out of my hand, hit the floor and spilled everywhere. Girls in heels leapt out of the way, shrieking. Suigetsu asked what was up, but I didn't answer him because I had already dashed out of Starbucks, headed straight for the office - running down all thirteen flights of stairs because I didn't want to risk bumping into anyone on the way. I slumped down at my desk, a nervous wreck, and turned on the computer to find the following e-mails in my inbox:
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From: "Itachi Uchiha"
Subject: What exactly do you think you are doing?!
Sasuke,
Turn on your phone. Now. We have to talk.
Itachi.
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From: "the best"
Subject: DUDE!!!
Sasuke are u ok? saw u in the pape rpunching that guy on th plane does Oro kno? jiraiya says he knows a gud laywer so woever happns u'll b ok.
Dont punch any1 else lol,
N.
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From: "Art is a BANG!"
Subject: Oh my god...
Did you just DO that?! Dear sweet Jesus, Sasuke, that was fucking hilarious. Best laugh I've had since Kakuzu pantsed Tobi on stage at the Product of the Year awards, AND I snorted fizzy water up my nose at that one. Painful stuff.
I knew you'd make me proud...
Deidara.
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And the e-mails were coming in thick and fast. From Kakuzu, Sasori, Sakura, Kakashi, Neji, Shikamaru... I couldn't keep up! I fumbled about in my briefcase for my phone and I finally found it and turned it on in case Itachi was trying to call. I swear not a second went by and it started ringing. Itachi's name and number flashed up on the screen in big, irritating letters, serving only to remind me of my fallibility and Itachi's utter smug perfection. After three rings, I answered. Our conversation went something like this:
Itachi: "Sasuke?"
Me: ...
Itachi: "Sasuke, are you there?"
Me: "Mmm... Yes..."
Itachi: "What the hell did you think you were doing?"
Me: "I was having a nightmare, Itachi, I swear to god. I was fending off snakes. I watched a scary movie the day before about snakes on planes. You know I suffer from RBD.
Itachi: "RB...?"
Me: "For god's sake. Don't you remember? It's a REAL medical problem: Rapid Eye Movement Behaviour Disorder, meaning that I have a rather unnerving tendency to act out any violent dreams. Remember when mum had to take me to the doctor's about it after I chucked you out of bed and screaming at you to "drop the gun, you Suna son-of-a-bitch?"
Itachi: "Ha... oh yes..."
Me: "Exactly. I was trying to fend off the dream snakes and I accidentally punched the guy in the face. It wasn't my fault, Itachi! Itachi?"
Itachi: (the sound of smothered laughter)
Me: "Are you laughing?"
Itachi: "N-no. Of course not. Right. Well, we'll need to get this sorted out—"
It was at this point that Orochimaru emerged from his office, clutching at a copy of the Otogakure Guardian. His expression looked stormy.
"Who are you talking to, Sasuke-kun?" he demanded.
I said it was only Itachi. Orochimaru strode over to my desk and snatched the phone out of my hand. He can be so rude and grabby sometimes. "Itachi," he said, "Sasuke-kun will talk to you later." Then he hung up. He sat on my desk and set the paper down in front of me. The roaring headline and the disgraceful, drooling apparition in the full-colour picture appeared, once again, to haunt me.
Orochimaru fixed me with a dangerously patient gaze and said, "Explain."
I told him about everything that happened on the plane and about my sleep disorder. Orochimaru nodded, looking thoughtful (I'm guessing he remembered it from reading my damn medical records. I swear this man probably even knows about the time Naruto and I got detention from Iruka-sensei on the first day of the Academy for whipping off our pants to see who could write their name in pee fastest on the playground. Not one of my finer moments, I must admit).
The boss cheered up a little when I mentioned that I had a real, medical problem and that I had records to prove it. He asked whether I had witnesses of prior RBD "attacks" and I mentioned Itachi and Naruto (I kicked Naruto in the teeth during a camping trip and set fire to the tent because I was running away from a homicidal scarecrow. My mum and dad had to pay for Naruto's dental work. They weren't pleased).
Then he asked about witnesses on the plane. I said that Suigetsu, Karin, Amachi, Juugo and Gen'yumaru were there. Kabuto was there too, now I come to think of it. And the cabin crew, of course. In my opinion, there were far too many witnesses...
Orochimaru continued to look thoughtful and did so for another five minutes in which I sat there and chewed my bottom lip. Then he stood up suddenly and said: "Go home, Sasuke-kun. I'll have everything sorted out by the afternoon."
I started voicing my thanks (just short of falling to my knees and pledging my eternal devotion) but Orochimaru smiled a sly smile and said: "You can repay me later."
And so I am home waiting for news from the boss; hiding from the paparazzi who have now camped out at the entrance to the South Base compound.
What the hell did I do to deserve this?
October 22nd
I have received a summons from the Konoha Sherrif Court to appear before it on charge of assault.
The good thing is, is that I now have two people representing me. Unfortunately, those two people are Maito Gai and Fucking Kabuto.
I'm sorry. I do apologise. "Fucking Kabuto" is not his real name. It's actually Shitface.
Orochimaru came round last night and told me that Kabuto would be representing me in court. Naturally, I objected, but Orochimaru said that Kabuto has a first class law degree from the University of Konoha (as well as one in Biochemistry from the University of Otogakure - I roll my eyes at his qualifications) and has often represented the company in official matters. As this was a matter related to the company, Kabuto had graciously offered to take up my case. What that really means is that Kabuto now has a perfect excuse to keep an eye on me and the boss and make my life a living hell.
Gai was put forward by Jiraiya - just as Naruto mentioned in his e-mail. He, too, has a law degree and is Konoha-Suna Corp's legal monkey. Gai is bringing along Lee, his assistant. They flew out last night and are staying with Orochimaru in his compound so that they can work on my defence with Shitface.
I'm going over to the boss's for the first time tonight. This is because just received a rather odd invite from him via text:
Sasuke-kun. Get your arse over here right now. I cannot take this anymore. When you get to the gates, buzz and let the concierge know who you are and that I'm expecting you. Oro xxx
I'd better go. If I keep him waiting he'll throw a hissy-fit.
Will write later.
I wonder what's going on?
October 23rd
Just got back from Orochimaru's. It was all rather hilarious.
When I arrived, apart from being stunned at the sheer decadent extravagance of the boss's house, (there is an Olympic-sized swimming pool) Orochimaru was sitting having dinner with Gai and Lee. As soon as he saw me, he practically leapt from his chair and ran towards me.
"Sasuke-kun, Sasuke-kun," he said with a slightly manic look in his eyes, dragging me by the arm to the table, "I believe you have already met Maito-san and Lee-san?"
Gai and Lee both swivelled round in their identical suits, with their identical haircuts and flashed identical smiles.
"Nice to see you again, Sasuke," they both said, simultaneously.
I had to stifle a laugh. Orochimaru, obviously, had not encountered Gai and Lee before, the wholesome co-founders of Konoha-Suna Corp's Straight-Edge Club. Gai does community work in his spare time and helps out in Youth Centres all over Konoha, trying to teach kids that abstinence is cool. He has over one-hundred members and counting. I don't know how he does it. He doesn't admit it, but I think he's quite religious too, and he doesn't approve of those who swing the other way.
Hence Orochimaru's dilemma. The boss is a vain, self-centred pervert who drinks far too much and spends even more. He's never donated a single yen to charity and if anyone were to so much as suggest to him that he should do voluntary work, he'd tie them to a chair and force-feed them natto with an iron bar. Clearly, they didn't have much to talk about and Kabuto hadn't shown up yet.
The rest of the meal was spent making forced conversation with Gai and Lee. Gai talked endlessly about the Straight-Edge Club: about how he was so lucky to be working with all those fiery and youthful spirits; about how he felt so privileged to have the opportunity to channel that fiery energy into a good cause; about how important it was to set impressionable kids on the right path so that they wouldn't give in to temptation when faced with it later in life. Lee agreed enthusiastically with everything Gai said and Orochimaru sat there looking horrified.
At one point in the one-sided conversation, Orochimaru leaned over to whisper something to me. He forgot himself and tucked a stray hair behind my ear, letting the back of his hand slide over my cheek (he always does that when we're just sitting talking and hanging out). There was the sound of two sets of cutlery being placed down deliberately upon two china plates, followed by two identical, disapproving coughs. Orochimaru turned round to find Gai and Lee staring stonily at him. He excused himself on pretence of going to the bathroom and he never came back.
Luckily, Gai and Lee weren't at all perturbed by the boss's incredible lack of courtesy, and I made up for it by being charming. They seemed to forget the brief moment of sleaze entirely, and both retired to their rooms after dessert. Gai would begin work on the case with Kabuto in the morning, and he assured me that I had nothing to worry about, and that I was in the best of hands.
After that, I went to find Orochimaru, but his house was so huge and labyrinthine that I had to phone him. He told me he was in his study on the fourth floor and that he'd give me directions over the phone. When I got there, he appeared to have been sitting reading a book by the fire before I phoned. He hung up and I went over to sit down next to him. The first thing he said was: "Are they gone?"
I told him that they were. He said, "Good."
Then he pounced on me.
He's such a filth-monger, he really is...
Hmm... filth-monger, am I, Sasuke-kun? I suppose I can live with that. I would hazard to say that you, too, are quite content to live with my "filth-mongering," considering you're curled up like a contented cat in my bed. Might I suggest that you don't leave your computer on next time?
It appears that you write in this little journal of yours everyday (don't worry your pretty head, I haven't read anything else - your secrets are safe) so perhaps you might appreciate the reminder that my birthday is on the 27th. You will be my present. I want champagne and strawberries.
Oro.
x
Hmmm... it appears I have people to thank again for some lovely reviews. Those would be: danni quinn, foreverloved, Riana1 and ArilianaFireQueen. Thank you again to everyone who has reviewed so far. I really appreciate it, even if this is just a bit of fun for me.
Take care, guys :-)