A Day in the Life

November 1st

Thanks to stage two of my diabolically clever plan, I am now officially back in the boss's good books. Needless to say, he could not resist the champagne and strawberries. As soon as we stumbled off the plane (only somewhat inebriated, as I could only find one bottle) he dragged me into his study and... well... the study was the venue, and the big, brown leather sofa and the rug by the fire were the specific places, if you know what I mean. After that, he had the offending, vandalised photograph sent up to his rooms to see exactly what had caused all the drama and he fell about laughing when he saw what I'd done. He said, "How very observant of you, Sasuke-kun" before slipping the picture into a frame which he has now hung up on the wall of his study.

I would gloat, but I haven't exactly got away scot-free. You see, I have managed to contract acute viral nasopharyngitis from running around in the altogether in Konoha. This is otherwise known as the common cold. It started out as a mere tingling sore throat; a mild irritation, rather than something that would seriously cause me grief. It was not long, however, before the tingle evolved into horrendous throbbing throbs of agony. This was accompanied by copious amounts of mucus streaming forth from my poor, besieged nasal passages. Strangely though, for the amount of snot that was running from my nose, a disconcertingly large proportion seemed to want to stay put, resulting in one of the most appalling, non-alcohol-related headaches I have had the misfortune to experience in quite some time.

The boss was uncharacteristically sympathetic (he had one of his house staff bring me some chamomile tea - I don't think he can make tea or anything else himself, seeing as he has an army of underlings to do things for him). This lasted until I sneezed on him. Twice. For about half an hour, he warred with himself between the choices of:

a) letting me out of his sight,

or

b) increasing his chances of catching a horrible cold.

He chose to eliminate option b (the boss will always look out for number one) and I was sent packing back to my flat under orders that I take some tamagozake and some paracetamol before going to bed. This cold may offer an unlooked-for advantage, however, as I now have evidence of sickness to present to my colleagues.

Right. I'm going to bed. If I suffocate during the night, at least you'll know why.

LATER: At exactly midnight, my left nostril unblocked. This is not a good thing, however, as now I am nasally lopsided. My right nostril is completely out of commission. It's grid-locked in there. I have also discovered that breathing through one nostril is not enough to fill one's lungs. Noisy mouth-breathing it is, then. At least no one will be around to hear me if I snore...

November 2nd

I feel like shit, yet because I feel guilty about the past week, I am at work right now. The boss hasn't shown up, though. This is because he has caught my cold. He called me directly at my desk phone to complain, bitch, whine and call me rude names. Our phone conversation went something like this (though you will have to imagine the croaky voices - croakier than usual in the boss's case):

The boss: Sasuke-kun?
Me: Orochimaru-sama? Is that you?
The boss: Sasuke-kun, you have given me your disease. I want you to take it back.
Me: I'm really not sure if I can do that—
The boss: I want you to take it back now, Sasuke-kun. I did not ask for this. You are a bringer of disease.
Me: I didn't mean it. Honestly.
The boss: Sasuke-kun, you never mean it. Yet things always seem to happen. Because of you, my head feels like its has been punched repeatedly by an angry, disillusioned youth. It is painful, and it is inconvenient and I want it to stop.
Me: Well, colds are generally like that.
The boss: Shut up, Sasuke-kun. I know what colds are like. I am suffering through one at the moment. I want you to know that, as of this moment, you are making my life miserable—
Me: I didn't mean it!
The boss: Please shut up, Sasuke-kun. I am trying to moan and you are—

(interlude consisting of a coughing fit on both sides of the telephone)

The boss: — do excuse me. Are you alright, Sasuke-kun?
Me: ... ugh. I think so.
The boss: Good. Now where was I? Oh yes. You have inadvertently made my life miserable with your hellish contagion. What are you going to do about it?
Me: I suppose I could come over later and make you some chicken soup.
The boss: I don't like chicken soup.
Me: Then what do you like?
The boss: Ah... one moment. Are you proposing cream of chicken soup, such as that processed and pumped into tin cans, or chicken soup of the homemade variety consisting of a clear chicken stock, a few vegetables and real chicken bits?
Me: The latter.
The boss: Then that is perfectly acceptable.
Me: You think I would make you cream of chicken soup? It's one of the most disgusting soups known to man.
The boss: I wouldn't put it past you...
Me: Yes, I suppose you're right.
The boss: Mmm...
Me: So it's soup, blankets and DVDs tonight, then?
The boss: Yes.
Me: Right, okay then. I'll see you tonight.

After that, I basically buggered around all day. Feeling like one's head has been stuffed full of red hot wool, after all, is not conducive to productivity. I went down to the Staff Room and spoke to Suigetsu, Karin, Amachi and Gen'yumaru for the first time in what felt like ages. We ended up having that conversation about TV shows you used to watch when you were a kid. My personal favourites, I announced, were the Thundercats and He-Man. Those two appeared to be fairly popular by general consensus of those present. Captain Planet and She-Ra: Princess of Power were other favourites. I observed, however, that though I had fond memories of watching cartoons such as Thundercats and He-Man as a child, the dialogue really did leave something to be desired - though I did not realise this when I was young, being as children, generally, aren't fussy about things like that. This was met by vehement protest and I decided to prove it to everyone by forcing them to watch a YouTube clip. Needless to say, I was proven correct once again, but this then sparked a debate on who was a better villain: Mumm-Ra or Skeletor? I was clearly on the side of Mumm-Ra, but Amachi is an ardent He-Man enthusiast and was entirely too prepared to list the merits of Skeletor. I then, rather unwisely, brought up the issue of Skeletor being strangely well-muscled for a skeleton and for the next forty-five minutes, we were treated to Amachi's terrifyingly in-depth theory on how Skeletor came to acquire his present physical form.

When we finally managed to escape (it's fair to say I have never wanted to get back to work so much in my life) Suigetsu told me that even mentioning He-Man is a big no-no when it comes to Amachi. He's a hardcore fanboy, apparently, with an impressive collection of figures and other paraphernalia, and he was banned from the He-Man forums for frightening the newbies with PhD thesis length posts.

I will never mention He-Man again. It has been tainted for me...

For the record, though, I still think Mumm-Ra is by far the superior antagonist.

There was supposed to be a meeting with Gai, Lee and Kabuto to discuss matters relating to my trial, but it has been cancelled, since both the boss and I have been struck down by the dreaded lurgy. I'm really rather nervous about it, but I have been told not to think on it at all. I'll do my best not to, but it's pink elephants all the way.

November 3rd

The boss is terrible, he really is. When I got to his house last night, I found him playing the role of the dying man in his bedroom, cocooned in several layers of large, thick, winter duvets. He was lying down on the bed and his head was poking out the top of the cocoon, exposing his sulking, pouting face. He somewhat resembled a seal. A sea of common-cold related detritus surrounded him, this comprising of items such as: tissues, finished cups of tea, half-finished cups of tea, empty packets of Strepsils, more tissues, a 50g tub of Vicks VapoRub, one Vicks Inhaler, an empty packet of Lemsip, yet more tissues, one bottle of Benylin, and five hot water bottles. When he saw me come in, he emitted a low, mournful and unhappy sound. I took this as an indicator that he wanted sympathy and I went over and sat next to him on the bed.

I managed to con Gen'yumaru into making me some chicken soup earlier (I'm not sure who I was trying to kid in thinking I could make soup on my own - it's much more difficult than it appears at first glance in the recipe book) and one of the boss's house staff re-heated it and brought it up. After he had eaten some soup, he seemed to feel a little better and let me into the cocoon. While in our conjoined cocooned state, we watched three DVDs back-to-back. Orochimaru wanted to watch Anaconda, but I put my foot down. He sulked for a while, but I had brought my Season Three box set of Family Guy, so that didn't last long. We watched every single episode and laughed ourselves silly (pausing frequently to blow our noses or have coughing fit) until the over-the-counter drugs kicked in and we fell asleep.

I am typing this entry right now on my laptop because I have been woken up by the boss and his decidedly eccentric sleeping habits. I have been kicked, punched, shoved and talked-at and can take it no longer. As the boss has deprived me of precious sleep, I have decided to make use of my forced period of wakefulness by documenting the aforementioned weird behaviour.

INTRODUCTION:

The object of this impromptu sleep-study is

1) to observe the nocturnal habits of Subject A

and;

2) to document any symptoms of apparent somnipathy, with hope for a swift diagnosis.

Information on Subject A:

Name: Orochimaru
Age: 50
Sex: Male
Country: Fire
Village: Konoha

The subject is known to have been exposed to a series of potentially stressful situations which could, in theory, trigger sleep disorder/disorders. He has a high-powered job as the company director of a large corporation and is forced to deal with a vast number of numbskulls daily. Prior to this, he worked with perhaps the biggest bunch of ruthless, cut-throat scumbags in another high-powered and stressful executive role at the Akatsuki Group. In the opinion of the researcher, recurring nightmares from this period of his career would not be out of the question. Recent personal trauma includes being arrested due to a misunderstanding with his PA. This could also trigger sleep-disorder. Probable physical causes of potential sleep disorders include: acute viral nasopharyngitis, overdosing on over-the-counter drugs, alcoholism. The subject is otherwise healthy, though perhaps over-sexed.

Equipment used:

As the researcher is not in possession of a polysomnogram, more rudimentary tools will have to suffice, including:

1 pillow

1 cold foot (note: belonging to the researcher)

1 prodding stick

1 mobile phone (note: belonging to the researcher)

1 light switch

1 dressing gown cord

1 pair of ear plugs

Observations:

Subject A appears to suffer from acute somniloquy. In layman's terms, this means he talks in his sleep. The severity of Subject A's sleep-talking ranges from occasional obscene mutterings to the hilariously detailed. A few such examples of the hilariously detailed include:

"Nrrrrr... get the phone, Sasuke-kun. Get the phone. Get the phone. Aha... but the phone's on the floor. Yes... It's on the floor so you have to bend over. Mmmm... Ha ha... Ahhhhh... What? You have to call Itachi? Why do you have to call Itachi? Just stay there like that. Don't... Nrrr..."

"I want that one with the sugar on the top. The one with the sugar. Yes. I like sugar. Sugar, sugar, sugar... It tastes better with sugar. Now sprinkle it over the top. Mmmm... ah? No. I want sugar. The one with the sugar... No vegetables. I like vegetables, but I've had my vegetables. I've had my vegetables. I want sugar..."

"Driving... driving... just drive around it. Don't look at it. You'll get lost in it. Turn on the sat-nav. Yes... that's right. It tells you where to go. Don't look at it. DON'T LOOK AT IT!!"

Subject A also appears to suffer from nocturnal myoclonus - also known as Periodic Limb Movement Disorder (PLMD). Again, the severity of this condition ranges from the occasional twitch to full-blown flails. The researcher was originally roused from sleep due to one of the aforementioned flails, accompanied by a prolonged, ear-piercing shriek. When a flail occurred, the exact movements were documented by the researcher via the utilisation of the light switch and the video function on the mobile phone.

Experimentation and Discussion:

When the possible disorders had been defined, several attempts were made to alleviate Subject A's symptoms. The first involved the use of a pillow, pressed firmly over face of the subject in order to reduce the volume of any involuntary utterances. This, however, only resulted in a particularly violent flail which forced the researcher from the bed. At this point, the researcher was forced to retreat to a nearby chair, which was drawn close to the bedside. Armed with a prodding stick, the researcher proceeded to prod Subject A every time the subject behaved abnormally, in hope that by punishing abnormal behaviour, the subject would revert to more normal behaviour. This was also unsuccessful, as Subject A wrested the prodding-stick from the hands of the researcher and clutched it to his chest in the manner of a children's blanket or stuffed toy. Subject A, thus armed, could have proven potentially dangerous, therefore, the researcher resolved to tread carefully. Slipping back into the bed of Subject A, the researcher then placed a cold foot upon the inner thigh of Subject A in hope of rousing him from sleep. This was also unsuccessful and resulted in further flailing. In a last-ditch, desperate attempt to get some rest, the researcher then proceeded to tie the arms of Subject A to the bedposts with the dressing gown cord. This was successful in preventing further flailing, although the researcher found that the only defence against the sometimes loud and detailed soliloquies of Subject A were the earplugs.

CONCLUSION:

The researcher, having observed the nocturnal habits of Subject A, has come to the conclusion that the subject may need medical help and possibly some strong medication in order to suppress his abnormal behaviour. The researcher currently takes such medication. Perhaps it would help if some were slipped into his next bowl of chicken soup? If not, then it has been discovered that a sturdy dressing gown cord and a pair of ear-plugs will function equally well in such circumstances.

Notes: At precisely midnight, the researcher's right nostril unblocked. Unfortunately, the researcher is still nasally lopsided, as the left is now suffering from severe congestion. A pattern seems to be emerging here. Perhaps the midnight nasal activity merits further investigation. Either way, it must wait until the morning, as the researcher is utterly exhausted and is about to turn his laptop off for the night.

Gah, sorry this chapter was so late, guys. I've had things to do and have had places to be, which ain't good for writing. Nevertheless, I have to thank everyone who left a review for the last chapter (I love seeing how you guys react to this stuff - it's fantastic). Those people are: foreverloved, danni quinn, Simple-Minded Idiot, missyserena214, Raspedra Twilight, Riana1, eerabit and ArilianaFireQueen. Thanks, too, to everyone who has left a review so far. You guys are too cool...

Take care :-)