A Day in the Life
November 10th
The boss pulled an absolute blinder yesterday. As of this morning, the company has been positively inundated with Academy graduates inquiring as to the availability of jobs (it seems they love the possibility of working somewhere that's actually "fun"). The boss is in a meeting right now with the top investors, seemingly because the ones who sold off their shares have come crawling back. Share prices rocketed this morning and now, if they want to buy them back, they will be compelled to do so at an exorbitant sum. The boss cannot believe his luck.
Suigetsu, however, is snowed under. I called him to ask how he was getting on and he snapped at me, informing me, in an impatient and self-righteous tone, that he was "extraordinarily busy" because "some of us are having to work our butts off cleaning up the big, steaming shit-stain others have left behind." He has such a way with words. It must be tough for him actually having to do some work for a change.
Itachi is still here. He appears to have moved into my office, having purchased a big, blue bean-bag and a large thermos, which he has filled with perfectly prepared green tea. He is playing Tetris on my DS and has beaten all of my high-scores.
I suppose I should tell you why Itachi has taken up residence. Due to a smutty, cheeky and rather misguided move on the boss's part during the press conference, Itachi has slipped into "overprotective older brother mode" - a mode I have not hitherto witnessed and one which I honestly did not believe existed until now.
At the press conference the boss explained that the company had not, in fact, become a cropper due to a computer-related mishap. When asked to elucidate by an pushy, butch, square-jawed, hag-journalist from Sunagakure, (I swear she had a five o'clock shadow. Karin took a picture on her phone and we're going to inspect it later) the boss flashed one of his winning TV smiles and told the world at large about Otogakure Enterprises' Official Pranks' Day. He told them all about the desktop prank and explained how it was done, getting quite a few laughs and approving nods from the assembled journalists along the way. Things were looking good.
At this point I felt the boss's arm snake round my waist and he dragged me towards him, practically crushing me against his side while he played the "playful enthusiasm for current favourite employee" card. "Sasuke-kun here came up with the idea," he announced. "He is full of surprises..."
The reason for the emphasis on "full" was because at precisely that moment, the boss's hand slipped a little lower than was strictly necessary. It hovered for a split second over my right cheek before he moved in for the kill - giving it a prolonged and rather full-on squeeze. Naturally, given the circumstances, I wasn't expecting such filthery, so I made a noise that sounded rather like "Gnnrr?" and he stepped on my foot - hard. It was over in a split second - or, more accurately, over by the time it takes to utter the word "full" - and his hand swept back up into its initial position. We were both sporting ridiculously cheesy grins on our faces after that. I know this because the picture was on the front page of every broadsheet known to man this very morn.
The only thing is, is that Itachi seems to have noticed what happened. After the conference was over, the boss invited all the journalists and their associated hangers-on back to the fabulous function suite at the office for champagne and nibbles. Itachi had been acting strangely sullen all afternoon, and he hadn't touched his pomegranate juice. I asked him whether he was feeling well and he replied, "Hmm? Oh. I'm fine, Sasuke" and brushed me off.
Later, however, he cornered me squarely at the buffet table and grabbed my arm, saying, "I need to talk to you."
He steered me over to a dark corner of the room and sat me down, looking me straight in the eye with such seriousness that I began to think that something big had happened, like someone had died, for instance. I asked him if there was something bothering him and he replied, "Yes, Sasuke-kun. There is something bothering me."
He fell silent and continued to stare for a prolonged and awkward moment. When nothing else was forthcoming, I gave him another verbal prod in hope that he might actually explain what was going on. His intense staring had begun to freak me out just a little.
"What's wrong, then?" I asked, taking a sip of champagne and offering him an open invitation to speak his mind.
Itachi accepted my invitation, and, leaning forward in his seat, his eyes growing eerily large, said "I saw what happened on the podium, Sasuke-kun."
Needless to say, I was a shade taken aback, and I must have gasped when I took a sip of my drink. This was a mistake because I ended up spraying a fine rain of champagne all over my brother as I choked on it. Itachi patted my back awkwardly as I attempted to draw breath. Even then, however, he remained adamant, and when I had recovered myself, he said gravely, "I saw Orochimaru touching you inappropriately on the podium, Sasuke."
"Oh? Really?" I squeaked, trying to remain nonchalant (and failing miserably as my face was all red and blotchy from trying not to choke to death).
"Yes, Sasuke," he said, looking at me suspiciously. "Didn't you notice?"
"Can't say I did," I replied, with a nervous grin.
Itachi raised an eyebrow and looked at me, deeply sceptical. "Do you mean to say that you didn't notice? At all? It seemed quite full-on, to me. The entire palm and span of the hand was used..."
Full-on. He had used my own words. There was no mistaking it. He had definitely noticed. It also seemed like he didn't approve, so evasive action was required. Unfortunately, Itachi is rather clever and can see through all kinds of walls made of any dense material you could care to name. Playing dumb is usually the best tactic when dealing with him, as he doesn't know quite how to deal with it.
Thus, my stunningly retarded reply: "Oh that! Yeah, I remember now. So that's who it was. I thought it was you!"
Itachi blinked owlishly, his brow furrowing with puzzlement. He really does not know how to respond to stupidity. It's his one weakness, I'm sure of it. "Sasuke," he said after a pause, "why would I want to grope your backside?"
"I must admit, I was wondering that myself," I said, feigning thought. "A joke, maybe?"
Itachi fixed me with another suspicious stare before steepling his fingers and addressing me frankly. "Sasuke," he said, "has Orochimaru ever made sexual advances on you?"
I had to bite my tongue and fight the urge to laugh hysterically and say, "Hah! You don't know the half of it," but instead I pretended to think for a moment before replying, "Not that I'm aware of, Itachi."
"Well be careful around him," he replied, with such gravity that it really was quite hard at that point to fend off a giggle-fit. "You know what Orochimaru is like. You know his sexual preferences. You saw him cavorting with Deidara in the back of my car after the funeral..."
"Cavorting". Oh the hilarity! At this point, I simply had to escape to the men's room, otherwise I would have laughed in his face and everything would have become terribly complicated. I must say that I am proud of the restraint I exhibited throughout that conversation, and I definitely deserve some sort of medal.
I assured Itachi that I would be very careful and that I would endeavour tirelessly to ensure that my relationship with the boss remained purely professional. Itachi seemed satisfied with that and he patted my shoulder, making approving noises, and headed off to mingle with the journalists. I caught him glaring daggers at the boss a couple of times.
Since then, Itachi has been campaigning tirelessly to ensure that I am never alone with the boss. Not even for one moment. I attempted to pop over and see him last night, but when Itachi asked where I was going, he said "That sounds like fun. I'll come with you." I had no sex that night because my fucking brother was watching me like a hawk and pretending not to know when to take a hint. Not even a quick fumble in a cupboard.
Thankfully, he's going tomorrow. Watching him pack should be an experience in itself...
November 11th
He is staying for at least another week.
He made the announcement when I went into the guest room, bright eyed and full of cheer, to let him know I was ready to take him to the airport. I was perturbed to see that he didn't appear to have packed and he casually mentioned, while fiddling around with a Rubix cube, that he had purchased an open return. I asked, "won't Akatsuki be expecting you back?" He said that they could function perfectly well without him for a week.
Please kill me now...
November 12th
Things are getting out of hand.
The boss phoned last night and it was clearly going to be one of those dirty phone-sex calls we sometimes have, which end up in either one of us going to each other's apartments and shagging the living daylights out of one another. The phone rang and, thankfully, I answered it.
"Sasuke-kun?" I heard the boss's voice query.
"It's me, Orochimaru-sama," I replied in a whisper, in case Itachi could hear me from the kitchen.
"Excellent, excellent..." the boss purred. A short pause followed, and then the inevitable, "So... what are you wearing?"
At that moment, Itachi emerged from the kitchen wearing my stripy oven gloves and carrying a tray of home-made pizza. He instantly zeroed in on my worried expression and the fact that I was on the phone, looking suspicious. Does nothing get past him?
"Who are you talking to, Sasuke-kun?" he said slowly.
"Errrr... I think you've got the wrong number!" I spluttered, blurting it out into the receiver before slamming the phone down.
The phone rang three times while we sat and had dinner. On the third, Itachi casually said, "Aren't you going to get that, Sasuke? It might be something important."
I tittered nervously and dismissed the notion with a wave of a hand, saying that I always ignored calls during meals. Itachi seemed convinced by that, and the rest of dinner passed without incident. At quarter-past seven, however, there was a knock on the door. Itachi and I were in the kitchen clearing up at the time, and when we heard it, we both looked at one another.
There was a gleam in Itachi's eyes that I didn't like. It seemed almost like triumph.
"I'll get it, Sasuke," Itachi said politely, setting down his dish-towel and heading for the door. Terrified, because I knew who it was going to be, I protested, but he insisted. "I must pay you back for being such a kind host," he said.
His sleeves rolled up and his hands all wrinkly from washing dishes, he went out to answer the door and disappeared from view. Succumbing to a momentary freak-out, I dithered about the kitchen slightly, dripping water and fairy-liquid everywhere before deciding to dash out into the hall in case I had to diffuse any tension. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that the kitchen door would not open because my brother had barricaded me in by putting a chair up against it. At that point, I was quite terrified and I pressed my ear to the door, desperately trying to hear what was going on.
It was the boss, of course, and he seemed rather confused to find Itachi answering the door.
"Itachi," I heard him say. "How nice to see you again. Is Sasuke around, do you know?"
"I'm afraid not, Oro," my brother replied, lying shamelessly. "He said he was popping out to buy some milk and a few other staples. We appear to have run out,"
"That's odd..." the boss said, and I knew from the tone of his voice that he knew something was deeply wrong and that Itachi was lying through his teeth. I could practically hear the cogs whirring in his brain. "I was just talking to him on the phone an hour ago. It seems an awful long time to be gone grocery-shopping..."
I felt like sticking my head in the sink and drowning myself along with the cutlery and the baking trays at that point. Damn the boss and his freakish intelligence! Damn Itachi and his freakish intelligence! The two of them should date. It'd make my life considerably less complicated and they could both sit and play word-games together and talk philosophy. It'd be a match made in heaven.
I heard Itachi laugh mirthlessly. "Hah. Yes, well, Sasuke is prone to indecision. Perhaps he is wondering which brand of milk to choose. I will be sure to inform him that you called. Would you like to leave a message?"
The boss said, no, that it wasn't important, and he must have left then because I heard Itachi close the front door. I sprang from my crouched, spying position and ended up back at the sink, skidding on the water I'd dripped along the way. I strained my ears trying to hear Itachi removing the chair from the kitchen door, but I couldn't hear a thing. He is terrifyingly efficient. A few seconds later, Itachi breezed in.
"Still washing dishes, are we?" he asked with a small smile.
"Yes, indeed," I answered, scrubbing the inside of a pot, trying not to make eye contact. "I've been here all the time."
"Ah, good, good," he said, picking up a china plate and giving it a quick dry with his dish-towel.
"So who was it, then?" I asked tentatively, dreading his answer - not knowing whether he'd lie or not.
"It was Orochimaru," he replied casually, reaching for another plate.
"Oh..." I said, feigning disinterest. "What did he want?"
"Nothing important," Itachi said. "He will see you at work tomorrow, Sasuke-kun."
That night, when I finally managed to get in the bathroom (it stinks of the whole bottle of Happy Hippy shower gel Itachi used on himself) I sneaked my mobile phone in with me. I texted the boss to let him know my brother has gone psycho.
It said:
"Itachi saw you grope me on the podium and doesn't approve. I know you came round earlier, but he locked me in the kitchen. He won't let you near me in case you molest me or something. Bit late for that, I know, lol. Text back soon. Will have to delete your reply in case he reads it.
Sasuke
xxx."
Within seconds, I had a reply from the boss:
"I knew there was something going on. Don't worry. We'll find a way round it. Thank you for letting me know.
Oro
x"
Before I emerged from the bathroom, I deleted the boss's reply and my sent message and secreted the phone about my person. It was a good thing too, as Itachi was standing outside in the hallway waiting for me with a cup of tea - and I think I'm going to have to cut this entry short, as he's coming over, wanting to know what I'm up to.
It is official. I now know why Itachi got the job at Akatsuki...
He is batshit insane.
Aloha, dudes!
Hope this chapter was better than the last. The last one was very much a transition chapter, and I couldn't think of what to do, so it wasn't so good. I had a funny feeling about it, too. Ah well. Had to get it out of the way. Everything's building up now, though. Not long until the trial. And if you're wondering about Kabuto - don't worry. He has plans...
Thanks for sticking with this work of weirdness, guys. It's really good of you. I'd like to mention, in particular, those who left reviews for the last chapter: Ayatsuji (I've never read Prince of Tennis, but it sounds like fun!), Riana1 (neat-freak does fit him, doesn't it? XD), danni quinn (you saw through the transition, damn you! XD), qwertumz (yes, Itachi is incredibly scary, more so now), nodaaaaaa (cheers for the compliment. High praise, indeed! -), eerabbit (it's freaky when art mimics life to such an extent. I still really want some mint-choc chip ice cream), Simple-Minded Idiot (I strongly believe your monicker is false advertising. Also, I was intrigued by Iron Chef and looked it up on YouTube. Now I only wish I could get a hold of the Battle Natto episode...), ArilianaFireQueen (I love it when people tell me I've made a character one of their faves. Makes me fuzzy inside. And you really will need to save Sasuke from Itachi now - if he lets you near him, that is. In his eyes, you might be a molestation candidate...), Sakonster (If you're not careful, eating too much of Suigetsu's sundae will make your eyes look like that, lol), and fiore777 (you always pick up on the bits I like best myself... XD).
Take care guys. :-)