A Day in the Life
November 13th
The boss and I have come up with a most fantastic plan, combining two wonderful things into one excellent whole: avoiding Itachi and a dirty weekend away from the office. I got the card through the mail from the outpatients' department at Konoha Hospital, reminding me that I am due to have my cast removed (about time - I'm at the point of ramming knitting needles down the thumbhole to scratch multiple itches). Of course, I could easily have Kabuto do it, but why not use the excuse to get away from Itachi?
The boss and I discussed all this at the water cooler in secret at a rare opportune moment while Itachi had nipped to the toilet. Even arranging this was something of a trial, as Itachi also appears to possess a bladder of iron. The boss has been handing him cup after cup after cup of tea all day, trying to get him to fuck off to the john so we could speak to one another, but it took him five hours to crack. Five hours! While Itachi was otherwise engaged, the boss suggested that we travel separately to Konoha to avoid suspicion. Thus the boss will fly there in his private jet, and I have a chartered flight booked for me leaving half an hour earlier.
I pointed out that as soon Itachi sees me packing, he'll be online and booking a seat right next to me and asking all sorts of probing questions. The boss said he'd deal with it, and sure enough, he kept Itachi behind after I left work, asking him to help deal with a carefully constructed, pre-planned "problem" that had come up in the R&D department. When I got back to my apartment, there was a note on my door in the boss's handwriting, stuck there apparently by an underling:
"Your cases are waiting for you in reception. Get your arse down there right now and be ready to leave."
Have I ever mentioned that I find the boss's deviousness incredibly attractive?
I grinned like a lunatic and tore along to reception after having dashed off a quick note to Itachi, letting him know where I was going and why (leaving out the dirty weekend part, of course). Five minutes later, the boss showed up, sporting much the same facial expression. Everything had gone to plan. His car and chauffeur were waiting outside and after our luggage was secure in the trunk, we leapt into the car and sped away to the airport. Success!
I parted with the boss at gate 69 (yes, the standard jokes were made, along with a kinky promise from the boss to make it a reality later on tonight) and I spent the hour's flight with my eye mask on, doped up on sedatives while listening to relaxing music. The prospect of a weekend away from Itachi helped the relaxation process along immensely. Thus, when the plane finally touched down in Konoha airport I was feeling rather chipper, and when the boss showed up with his luggage, I moved myself into step right beside him and paid him back for the press conference arse-squeeze by giving him a subtle and well-executed grope of my own.
"I wouldn't do that if I were you, Sasuke-kun," the boss murmured in my ear in a playful undertone. "I have not had a good, hard shag for six days now, and I am on the verge of tearing off all your clothes and having my way with you right here and now in a public terminal. Patience, as you know, is not my strong point."
It is official. The boss cannot resist me. I'm his crack cocaine, and he is well and truly addicted. It's not really surprising, though, and I don't blame him. I am the better-looking Uchiha, after all...
There followed a rather steamy car ride along to the hotel, which involved lots of kissing and even more inappropriate groping behind the tinted glass. Muffling the sex noises was something of a chore, so it was a relief to finally have the keys to the room. Needless to say, after that, we quickly made up for lost time, and by the end of our frantic, marathon session, neither of us could do anything much else but lie there and grin vaguely. It's fair to say that we were both a little dazed.
We watched TV for a while in bed. Who Wants to be a Millionaire? was the only thing on worth watching, and I was rather surprised to see that Haku, former PA (and glorified tea boy) of Momochi Zabuza of Gato Shipping Ltd., was presenting. The boss seemed to know him, too - and because Haku is rather pretty and because I know the boss only too well, I asked him exactly how he knew Haku. The boss said he'd met him while on a business trip to Gato Shipping with the intent to lure Kimimaro away to Otogakure Enterprises. Back then, Gato Shipping had just been bought over by Konoha-Suna Corp. and some of the high-rankers had been paid off. Zabuza, it turned out, was one of them, and it seems he had taken his PA along with him on his new business venture. It seems the man has done rather well for himself, managing to claw his way up to Director General of the Mikatsuhikata Media empire. It also seems to be the case that he likes to play favourites.
When we were done watching Haku and shouting answers at the screen (the imbecile gambled and went for the wrong answer and lost seven-hundred and forty-thousand yen), the boss suggested we go out for something to eat. I heartily agreed with him, as I was absolutely starving after the sustained sexual acrobatics.
It was not long after we hit the streets that we started arguing over where we were going to eat. The boss wanted to go to a Kaiseki restaurant, but I just wanted ramen. I ended up getting my way because our argument escalated into a shouting match just outside Ichiraku Ramen, and it just so happened that Jiraiya was there with Naruto and Kakashi and he heard us and called us over. All three were slightly tipsy. Naruto charged at me again when he caught sight of me with tears of happiness in his eyes. He almost knocked me over again, but the boss caught him mid-lunge and spun him round, setting him down on his feet. Deprived of Uchiha, Naruto instead resorted to bear-hugging the boss and, strangely, I had to resist the overwhelming urge to slap him purple. I'm not sure whether this was due to a twinge of jealousy or out of a desire to prevent him from making a drunken arse of himself. I may have to mull over that one later.
During the meal, Jiraiya mentioned that they were all going out to Club Fun Fun on
Fun Fun Street later and asked whether we'd like to join them. The boss and I weren't too keen at first, but both Naruto and Jiraiya sustained a relentless campaign of pestering utilising the tried-and-tested formulae of repeated pleas, emotional blackmail and threats of physical violence, until, exasperated, we gave in and said we'd go.
As a result, I am back at the hotel with the boss, getting ready for a night out on the tiles. The anonymous underling who packed my case appears to have included a new, white kimono which I do not remember having possessed until now. I must remember to ask the boss about that one. All things considered, it's really rather flash, and it fits me perfectly, so I'm definitely wearing it. I just hope no one sees fit to dance into me and spill anything over it, because I'll have to punch them if they do.
LATER:
The boss and I are huddled under the covers in bed in the hotel room. This is because about halfway through, our night out at Club Fun Fun suddenly took a turn for the sinister. I suppose I should start at the beginning, because even I'm having trouble believing this and my life is a constant barrage of the bizarre.
Well, the boss and I were a little delayed in getting there in the first place because we succumbed to the overwhelming need to remove each others' clothes and partake in a spate pre-club nefariousness. It was our dirty weekend, after all, why waste it? By the time we had re-dressed and had sworn solemn oaths not to let our hands wander at least until we reached the club, it was around midnight. The boss phoned for a driver and we arrived at Club Fun Fun without further incident.
The place was absolutely horrendous; and when we were greeted with the expansive, flashing neon sign, complete with curly, palm tree outlines and top-heavy girls kissing, the boss and I both looked at each other with trepidation. Cheesy, electronic music was thumping so hard that the ground underfoot was vibrating, and well-endowed, giggling girls dressed in revealing bunny suits (watched over by three burly bouncers) waved and smiled at those entering the dark, gaping and unsettlingly moist maw of the sordid establishment. Despite this, the place was queued out the door and potential customers were being turned away left, right and centre.
I think we both considered turning back at that point, but then the boss received a text from Jiraiya. It said, "whore r u?" Correcting the horrid spelling and translating the contents from textspeak into proper English, we realised there was no turning back, that we were here now, and that we'd just have to go in and get wrecked to make up for it.
Since the boss doesn't do queues, we went straight to the front of the line. It turned out Jiraiya had added us to the guest list and two buxom bunny-eared
women escorted us to our booth.
Inside was, if possible, even more hellish than outside. Hundreds of scantily-clad patrons crowded the retro, multi-coloured, flashing dance floor, gyrating and sweating and busting all sorts of moves - some of them definitely R rated. It was like Saturday Night Fever, but with monstrous disco balls, UV, smoke machines and laser lights. Pole dancers plied their trade on raised platforms and male strippers teased on podiums to the tune of the Vengaboys, the Pet Shop Boys, remixed Backstreet Boys and, seemingly, numerous other bands on the theme of the word "boys".
There was no one at the booth when the boss and I arrived, though there were lots of empty glasses, so we got one of our bunny girls to take our drinks order. Our initial attempts at conversation went something like this:
The Boss: "Sasuke-kun!"
Me: "WHAT?"
The Boss: "SASUKE-KUN!!"
Me: "YES?"
The Boss: "HAVE YOU SEEN wizzle wizzle wizzle?"
Me: "WHAT?"
The Boss: "WHAT?"
Me: "WHAT?"
The Boss: "HAVE. YOU. SEEN. JIRAIYA?"
Me: "SORRY! I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"
The Boss: "NEVER MIND, THEN!"
Me: "WHAT?"
The Boss: "I SAID NEVERMIND!"
Me: "WHAT?"
After that, we decided just to cut our losses and initiate some lip-action, as I am far too cool to dance. But just when things were just getting interesting, I heard an ominous howl of enthusiasm coming from over my left shoulder.
"SASUKE!! SASUKE, SASUKE, SASUKE!!! IT'S DANCING TIME, YEAH!!!"
The next thing I knew, I was being dragged bodily down the steps and onto the epileptic-fit-inducing dance floor by a half-crazed Naruto. He had already lost his shirt and he was wearing a pair of lurid, orange cut-offs, one trainer and blue, strobing sunshades. He was grinning at me in a way that left me in no doubt about what he expected me to do.
Surrounded by a swarm of raving ravers, I had no choice, therefore, but to dance. Now, I don't normally do dancing, but when I do, I like to do it properly. It's an Uchiha thing. So I started pulling a few shapes, Naruto joined in, and a small crowd began to gather around us. The music was pounding and, against all odds, I was actually rather enjoying myself. I pulled off a rather spectacular knee drop followed by a moonwalk and actually got applause. Naruto, though his technique is not at all satisfactory, makes up for what he lacks in that area with manic enthusiasm. The crowd loved his funky chicken too. Then, to put the icing on the cake and complete the Saturday Night Fever atmosphere, "You should be dancing" by the Bee Gees came blasting through the huge speakers. When Kakashi leapt in, also strangely shirtless, and performed a textbook head spin, the crowd went wild.
After that, people started buying us drinks. I don't know what they were, but the contents were greenish in colour. At some point the proceedings, I believe a random, slavering clubber attempted to divest me of my clothing because I ended up staggering about "shirtless" looking for the boss, with the top half of my kimono hanging about my waist, my body completely exposed to the fetid, saturated air of Club Fun Fun.
I found him at the VIP bar with Jiraiya, surrounded by a veritable sea of empty champagne glasses. The boss had managed to remain "shirted". Jiraiya, however, had not. As soon as the boss clapped eyes on me, he grabbed me and gave me a thorough kissing, so much so that other random clubbers began to giggle and point at our licentious display. He was, as I feared, a tad inebriated. Apparently, he had been watching me dancing and was keen to "get me back to the hotel for a private viewing". How much sex does this man need? Honestly. I'm seriously beginning to think he has a medical condition. Nymphomania, I believe is the term?
Luckily - and I mean this most sincerely - I agreed to this plan and the boss and Jiraiya wandered off to the gents, swaying slightly. It was then that I chanced to glance at the dance floor...
I actually screamed when I spotted Itachi. Like a girl. I was frozen solid for a moment, but when he looked up in the direction of the VIP bar, I hit the floor out of sheer terror and crawled frantically over the sticky floor to the men's room on my hands and knees, wading through discarded plastic cups and cigarette butts. I had to tell the boss. If he saw us together, I would be done for.
As soon as I managed to get inside, taking the last few paces at a run and sending the doors swinging on their hinges in my wake, I sent Naruto and Kakashi a frantic, desperation text:
"If someone claiming to be my brother, or anyone for that matter, asks you if you've seen me with Orochimaru - TELL THEM NO. I will buy you drinks for ever and ever for the rest of eternity if you do this. This is serious. Sasuke."
At length, the boss emerged from a cubicle (he will not pee in front of anyone) and was rather confused to find me on the floor, legs splayed, huddled up to one of the urinals, muttering to myself and texting like a man possessed.
"Sasuke-kun...?" he began warily before I sprang to my feet, grabbed the collar of his kimono, shaking him and screaming in his face, "ITACHI'S HERE! HE'S FOLLOWED ME, FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, AND HE'S GOING TO MURDER ME WHEN HE FINDS OUT I'M HERE WITH YOU!"
The boss sobered up remarkably quickly after that. I don't think even he suspected the extent of Itachi's relentless, terminator-style determination. Jiraiya heard my momentary lapse into hysteria from the pungent depths of his cubicle (though I don't think he could have helped it - my shrieks were admittedly on the piercing side) and suggested between heaves that we make a swift exit via the back door. Straightaway, the boss began to call his driver and asked Jiraiya if he would be alright.
"I-I'll... ugh... fuck it... man alive... I'll... I'll be fine, Oro," he managed to choke out. "Just get yourselves the hell outta here before something kicks off."
We hid in the gents' for five minutes until the boss's driver called back to tell us he was waiting outside the back door. There followed a mad dash downstairs, involving much slipping, sliding, cursing and forceful use of elbows and shoulders by the boss, and we hit the fire-escape at a run. Our getaway car was there, the engine rumbling and ready to go, and we threw ourselves inside, not knowing whether Itachi's eagle-eyes had spotted us on the way.
"Drive!" the boss commanded, and we sped away to the hotel. We had to duck as we drove past the front of the club because I spotted Itachi standing outside, scanning the faces milling around in Fun Fun street, no doubt searching keenly for two familiar and particular guilty faces. We screeched to a halt at the hotel and, believing ourselves to be out of danger, wished to relax a little. The boss suggested a stiff drink and I was inclined to agree with him. Halfway to the bar, however, I received a text from Kakashi that sent us sprinting back up to our room, our drinks lying untouched - all dignity and poise forgotten. It said:
"Heads up. Your brother's staying at your boss's hotel and he's heading back there right now. He asked us whether we'd seen you or Orochimaru. Never said a thing. You and Oro owe us drinks for the rest of eternity. Kakashi. PS - where is Jiraiya?"
Hence the fact that we're now in the hotel room huddled together under the covers watching TV with the volume turned down, eating the Toblerone and the peanuts from the minibar.
Itachi has single-handedly ruined my sex life.
This will not do.
Cheers for all the reviews, guys. I'm still having fun writing this - can you believe it? This is the longest I've ever stuck at a fic. Thanks, in particular, go out to everyone who left reviews for the last chapter: missyserena214 (you're probably right, though for some odd reason, in canon, I can't even imagine Itachi having a girlfriend. He'd be all cold and distant like Sasuke), Ayatsuji (cheers very much! I must confess when I thought of Itachi being psychotically protective, I had a small snigger to myself. He never does things by half), Alix (you know, you're not the first person to tell me that about the characters in this rampantly surreal and AU story. I really don't know how it happened. It just did. I guess I'm normally a stickler for canon, so that trait was passed on - though I definitely did set out to portray a spoiled brat Orochimaru!), eerabbit (even I don't want to think about what Itachi would do if he caught them red-handed. It would be spectacular, no doubt about it), Ooh.look.A.Giant.Hippy (I'm with you on the sundae issue. I cracked and actually went shopping this morning specially for ice cream and sweets and sauce to decorate it with!), danni quinn (I watched Loveless. All twelve episodes. And Soubi? Can I say "yum?" Oh yes. I think I can), fiore777 (I have just spotted your latest Oro one-shot. Must read and review! Glad you liked the chapter - and I didn't even pick up on the Kabuto thing, either! Good eye), qwertumz (lol, this fic is so off the charts that I think anyone would come round to the Oro/Sasu thing - and they will find a way around it - even after the Club Fun Fun episode!), Riana1 (thank god, indeed. Can you even imagine Itachi with a girlfriend? She'd need to be pretty cool with getting no affection and dealing with him hanging around with Kisame for extended periods of time), Simple-Minded Idiot (self-mockery is always a good thing, I think. Keeps your feet on the ground. :-) I'm thinking Oro is addicted to the old skin-on-skin action. He's the head of the company. It gets pretty lonely at the top. And you're quite right. It is"Rubik's". Will fix that later), ArilianaFireQueen (I'm in agreement with the Random Person - Itachi will definitely consider you a molestation candidate. Best tread carefully around Sasuke. Good luck with getting those grades up!), and maenad (thanks for the review! It's amazing how other people think that my portrayal of the characters isn't that OOC. It still boggles my mind slightly. XD)
Thanks again to everyone who has left a review so far. Hope you liked this installment!