A Day in the Life
November 23rd
I am sitting with the boss in his penthouse, watching the news. At this very moment, Channel K5 are broadcasting a live feed of Hidan tearing down the freeway at 120mph in Kisame's Mini Cooper, pursued by Konoha's finest. The court building is on fire, though I don't think that was anything to do with him. Itachi and the rest of his Akatsuki mob are tearing after him in the Aston Martin. I'm not sure what they think they're going to accomplish. Hidan's rampage is not the sort that can be easily covered up. The boss thinks they're going to try and catch up with him and bundle him into the Aston Martin - then, according to his theory, they can easily outstrip the cops' BMWs and pass over the border into River Country. Once that happens, Konoha won't be able to do anything about it unless Hidan ever comes to Konoha again...
Actually, that sounds about right. I wouldn't put it past any of them to pull a dodgy stunt like that - especially my brother.
I suppose I should let you know what happened. There's rather a lot to tell - seriously. Things have happened. In a big way.
So... No, wait just a moment...
Right. I am now in the bedroom and have expressly forbidden the boss to come in until I've finished writing this entry. I have to concentrate, and I can't do that while the boss is feeling me up.
Here goes...
My day started off in abysmal fashion. I was woken up by the sharp rapping on the door of a bellboy with the shiniest brass buttons I've ever seen bearing a letter addressed to me. Bleary-eyed, I muttered a quick thanks, tipped him and dismissed him, before collapsing back into bed. I tore open the envelope to find a single sheet of paper inside, its spine-tingling message spelled out with the aid of magazine cuttings and Pritt-Stick. It said:
SASuKe... I wILL RaPE Yoooooou.
For a horror-stricken moment, I stared at the note, clutching it in trembling hands. Then, terrified, I shrieked an ear-piercing shriek, and half-sprinted half-staggered down the corridor to the boss's room. I hammered on his door until, at length, he answered, his hair tousled and looking sleepy.
"Sasuke-kun, it's half-past six—" he began irritably, before I shoved the note in his face and screamed, "LOOKATIT!!"
The boss deftly plucked the threat-note from my hands and perused its contents.
"It seems rather like someone's idea of a joke," was his verdict. "Now, please, don't worry about it and go back to bed..."
Needless to say, I was not happy with this judgement.
"Well, I can't think of anything less funny," I replied, making an attempt at terse, but failing miserably when my voice ended up all high and squeaky. "Some sick freak is threatening to... to..."
I couldn't say it. The thought made my skin crawl. Someone, somewhere - maybe even in this hotel right now - had it in for me. It's not all fun and games being intelligent, good-looking and successful, you know. Unwanted attention is garnered on occasion.
"Sasuke-kun, it will be nothing to worry about," the boss said patiently, leaning against the doorframe in his black robe. "It may even be the prosecution trying to make you nervous before the trial."
That was true. I hadn't thought of that.
"And besides," he added, lightly kissing me on the cheek, "if anyone tries that sort of thing, they will have me to deal with - and that will be so, so much worse than any trial by jury. Now go and dress. I will meet you in the lobby at eight. Try not to worry."
I smiled, though my heart was not set entirely at rest, and, thus, while I was getting ready, I became extraordinarily paranoid. I checked every cupboard and inside all the drawers, inspected every nook-and cranny of the hotel room and even took a quick look behind the curtains. Then, when I was showering, I stood at the furthest corner with my back to the wall so that nothing could jump out and bum me. By the time I was fully washed and dressed, I was a quivering wreck.
The court was due in session at 10am, prompt. Arrayed in my second-finest kimono (the good white one the boss purchased for our dirty-weekend was in the dry-cleaners after I crawled along the beer-soaked floor of Club Fun Fun in it), I met up with the boss, Kabuto, Gai and Lee at eight o'clock exactly. Itachi was conspicuous by his absence. When we met down in the foyer, he was nowhere to be found - and he is never late. We tried phoning his room several times - to no avail - and our calls to his mobile went to answer phone.
This stunning irregularity set my nerves jangling even further, so much so that Kabuto drew me aside and offered me some valium. I would have taken it, but the boss snatched me away and dragged me into the car.
Despite the boss telling me not to worry, I noticed on the way to court that he was masticating rather rigorously on a wad of Wrigley's Doublemint while gazing out the tinted windows of the black Rolls, lost in thought. This wasn't a good sign. His "option three" breakfast never fails to indicate a troubled psyche - and if he was worried...
A strange, unpleasantly hot prickling sensation began to creep across my skin, and I felt my face go all hot. Rape. Trial. Rape. Trial. Both unwanted thoughts were whirling around in my head - clamouring and strident, like devils dancing in the pits of hell. I felt terrible, and the driver had to stop the car twice to let me out for air, and on each occasion, I almostfainted. By the time we arrived at the court, I was shaking and I felt as though I was about to throw up. That would've made a fine shot for all the vultures - sorry, I mean journalists and TV crews - waiting outside: a lovely photo of yours truly, catching, for posterity, the hot chunks of vomit spurting forth in a perfect arc from my cracked, parched lips.
Yuck... Sorry about that. I grossed myself out there. Felt a little shiver and everything...
Anyway, I was ushered into the building by a squad of burly police-officers who directed me into the ante-chamber adjacent to the court room, from whence I would be summoned by the judge to stand trial. Kabuto, Gai and Lee went off to put on their robes, and the boss, after giving me a good luck grope, went off to get a good seat and meet Jiraiya. Imagine my surprise when I entered the antechamber and found Itachi already within, lounging around looking bored and vaguely threatening with a gaggle of his Akatsuki associates. The usual suspects were present, namely Deidara, Sasori, Kisame, Zetsu, Tobi, The Religious Nutbag (Hidan), and The Mighty Prick himself (Kakuzu). Needless to say, I was a shade perturbed.
"What the hell are you lot doing here?" I said, feeling my blood pressure rising.
"They're here to support you, Sasuke, so don't be ungrateful," Itachi intoned, surveying his perfectly manicured nails.
"Yes, don't be ungrateful, Sasuke," Deidara mimicked with a twist of smarm, grinning at me (though it was more of a leer) before Sasori grunted and kicked him on the shin with considerable force.
"Owee... That hurt, Sasori-danna..."
It transpired that Itachi had disappeared last night when he spotted the missed calls on his phone in order to give directions to his colleagues. All seven of them had driven to Konoha in Kisame's Mini Cooper, because they "thought it would be a laugh," and they managed to get lost on the way in Tanzaku City. They had circled the big roundabout near the castle twenty-three times while waiting for Itachi to call back, and Tobi ended up being sick into Kisame's share bag of cheesy Doritos.
While this was being explained, my keen, suspicious eyes spied two extra large buckets of popcorn, ill-concealed behind a plant pot in a plastic, Mall-Mart carrier bag. My hackles rose in an instant.
"You're not taking that in with you," I said coldly, pointing at the offending foodstuff.
"Oh, come on, Sasuke, it's just—" Tobi began, before I put my foot down. Hard.
"No! You are not taking that in with you," I reiterated, my voice becoming squeakier as my state of agitation increased. "You'll end up getting arrested! You'll end up getting me arrested!"
The members' Akatsuki all glanced at one another and rolled their eyes. They said nothing, but their eyes spoke volumes. "Boring twat," seemed to by the general consensus.
"Lighten up, Sasuke," Deidara huffed, leaning forward and massaging his injured shin. "Honestly, you're just like Itachi..."
Lighten up, he said. Lighten up. You are just like Itachi.
I swear at that point, I was but a nanomillimetre away from going postal on all of their sorry arses. Admirably, though I do say so myself, I managed to reign myself in, and with gritted teeth I explained that on top of all the pressure I was under because of this sodding trial, I had had a rather unnerving start to the day, and that in consequence, I was a little jumpy and on edge. Itachi asked why, and I told him about the poison letter I had received. I extracted said letter from the folds of my kimono so that he could better examine its contents.
As I did so, silence fell, and the cretinous faces of the assembled Akatsuki Group members went suddenly and suspiciously blank.
No... They wouldn't, I thought, incredulous. Surely even they wouldn't stoop so low? But when Tobi's shoulders began to shake with suppressed laughter, I knew then that, yes, they would stoop so low. And they would laugh about it - to my face!
I stared them down until cracks began to show. Tobi was the first to start giggling, then Deidara, and when Kisame let out a great guffaw of laughter, they were all rolling about in their chairs, slapping thighs and clutching at their sides.
I, however, was not in the least amused...
"Aie, Kakuzu," Deidara breathed, tears running down his cheeks. "That's got to be in your top ten."
"I- I can't breathe... I can't breathe!" Tobi choked, hanging off Hidan and crying with laughter.
Now, I may have to explain to you about Kakuzu.
Unfortunately for humanity, the man likes to play practical jokes. You could almost say that he is a serial prankster, although, when I say "pranks", what I really mean is that the pranks are, in reality, merely an excuse for gratuitous displays of casual cruelty. Too many people have fallen victim to his non-jokes for me to remember offhand, though him pantsing Tobi at the Product of the Year Awards last year springs immediately to mind, where the unfortunate raw recruit ended up baring his buttocks to an audience of hundreds courtesy of an innocently whistling Kakuzu. He bound and gagged Hidan on his first night staying at the Akatsuki complex, strapped him upside down to a tree, pulled down his pants and whacked him on the arse with a bamboo stick until he forced Hidan to scream "penis pump" (Hidan is religious and doesn't normally use such filthy words, you see, and therein lies the "fun" so to speak). I have also been victim of his malicious tomfoolery. He called me up one morning when I was working to meet a tight deadline on a very important report at Konoha HQ to tell me that Itachi had died in the night. Frantic, I hopped on the first flight to River country only to be confronted, when I got there, with a very-much-alive and confused Itachi and a sniggering Kakuzu with a Polaroid.
He is a menace. That is all there is to say. And I was dangerously close to punching him in the mouth...
"Ha! Got you again, Sasuke!" Kakuzu said, grinning from ear to ear with pride at his "achievement."
"Har har," I said coldly, folding my arms and throwing myself into a chair. "Yes. Very funny, Kakuzu. Oh how I am laughing..."
"Oh, come on, Sasuke," he jeered. "Don't be so fucking miserable. You're only saying that because you fell for it - hook, line and sinker—"
The only thing that stopped me swinging for Kakuzu and getting embroiled in another lawsuit at that point was the timely entrance of Naruto, Suigetsu, Karin, Gen'yumaru and Amachi, accompanied by a smiling Kabuto.
"Now... are we all here?" Kabuto chirped, counting heads. "Yes. Itachi-san is also present, excellent, excellent. Now, if you gentlemen would like to make your way up to the gallery - the court will rise soon to greet Judge Chiyo. Oh, and Sasuke, Orochimaru-sama mentioned that you had a bit of trouble this morning with a letter?" he added, looking at me uncertainly. "If it's some sort of threat, then it will certainly be pertinent to the case and I should wish to take a look at it."
The immature sniggering-behind-hands started once again, and I rolled my eyes and informed Kabuto that, no, it would not be necessary. Kabuto looked at me oddly and said, "very well, Sasuke."
I received many good-luck slaps on the back as the Akatsuki mob sauntered out the door, including one square on the backside from Deidara (yes, he meant it, and yes, I am still deciding whether to tell the boss about it). When they were gone, Naruto immediately enveloped me in a suffocating hug, sniffling and informing me that, "whatever happens, I'm still your best friend and if you do go to jail, I'll come visit you every day, Sasuke, I promise! I'll bring cake with a nail-file in it and everything!"
Suigetsu smirked, so I peeled Naruto off me as kindly as possible and thanked him for the support.
A few minutes later, Gai with his shiny, shiny bowl-cut peeked through the other door (the Dread Portal of Doom leading into the court) and he beckoned me in with one of his huge, gleaming smiles.
With trepidation, I steeled myself to face the crowd that awaited within. Taking a deep breath, I headed for the door. Just as I was about to enter, however, a thought occurred to me.
"Naruto," I said. "Please don't do anything stupid."
This is where it started to get interesting...
As soon as I set foot in court, I heard an obnoxious roar coming from the direction of the gallery. Several pieces of salted popcorn bounced off my forehead. I cringed and solemnly vowed to beat Deidara and Tobi to a pulp. The boss was sat three rows from the front with Jiraiya and Tsunade. I caught his eye, and he winked at me. I smiled back, feeling a little better. Even the Konoha lot were there, dotted round about.
I sat down at the defence table with Kabuto, Gai and Lee. Then, another door opened and the prosecution entered. I got my first real look at Jin, 24, from Konoha. Let's just say he looked like an air steward. I mean, I hold no doubts about my sexuality whatsoever, but when one overindulges in St Tropez, Brylcream, neck-scarves and manicures... well, it really is like planting a massive "GAY" sign on your back, thereby inviting taunts from individuals lacking in the old grey matter (though usually well set for chest-hair and aggro) or The Daily Mail. His nose was clearly broken, and the yellowish remnants of a livid bruise lingered around his left eye.
He caught my eye, drew me a filthy look, sniffed, and turned away. Bitchy little queen.
Mitarashi Anko strode in beside him, wearing a sharp, black suit and carrying a briefcase. Her eyes were darting all over the room, and I knew in an instant what she was looking for.
I smirked and called out, "He's three rows from the front, Mitarashi. Aren't you going to say hello?"
Following my directions, Anko caught sight of his old boss. Every head in the courtroom turned. An expectant silence fell - the kind experienced when the lights dim, the ads end, the rating is shown and one finds oneself waiting for the movie to start. Literally, it seemed like that, because I could hear Deidara and Tobi excitedly munching on their popcorn.
Anko looked the boss up and down. Then she sneered and turned to sit at the prosecution's table. "I don't think so," she said.
The boss smiled and rose from his seat, despite Jiraiya's gallant and unsubtle attempt to pin him down. "Why, Anko," the boss said, gliding towards her with open arms. "It's been such a long time since we last saw one other, yet you're treating me so coldly..."
"Get away from me, you prick!" she snarled, as the boss leant casually on the barrier separating participants from spectators.
"Oooooh! Can't let her get away with that, Oro!" Deidara cackled from the gallery, chucking another handful of popcorn and bombing a group of first-year law students with it.
"Kick her in the nuts!" Tobi shouted. (The more I get to know this man, the more I feel that he and Naruto were separated at birth...)
The boss carried on as though he hadn't heard a thing. He reached out a hand to touch her face and she slapped it away as though it were toxic. He smiled and closed his eyes for a moment.
"I know why you're doing this, Anko," he said softly, "and I must confess I find it rather desperate—"
Anko snorted. "Desperate? Me? Hah. As if. You're the one who's so desperate for a quick fuck that you'll hop into bed with whichever poor sod has the misfortune to be sharing office space with you."
There was a collective, inward hiss as Anko executed her verbal bitch-slap. An ominous silence fell, broken only by the lone catcall from the peanut gallery.
"Kick her in the nuts, Oro!"
A corner of the boss's mouth curled unpleasantly. All sweetness and whispers vanished in an instant.
"As ever, the lights are not quite all on upstairs in the abode of Mitarashi Anko," the boss sneered. "You know nothing of me, so do not presume to question my intent. As I recall, though," he added nastily, "you were the one who, initially, was rather desperate for a "quick fuck" - or was your grand entrance into my office wearing nothing but stiletto heels, underwear and a big, red bow merely an elaborate ruse?"
A suppressed snigger rippled around the court at large. Anko's face burned bright red with shame. Inwardly, I did a victory jig.
"Oh my GOD, Oro, you are such a whore!" I heard Deidara cackle from above.
(Now, considering I witnessed Deidara bent over the kitchen table, getting rather up close and personal with the one he was so blithely calling a whore, it seemed to me rather like the pot calling the kettle black. I'm not jealous. Really, I'm not. It's just logical...)
"Orochimaru-sama," I heard Kabuto implore, "please, this is not the time—"
The boss raised a hand in warning and Kabuto's jaw snapped shut. "Now, now, Kabuto," he said, smiling dangerously at Mitarashi, "let's hear what Anko has to say in response. It's only fair, after all."
"I'll tell you what I have to say," she hissed, her eyes flashing. "If you say one more word to me, Orochimaru - one more - I'll do all your future little shag pots a service and cut your teeny, tiny shriveled, little balls off."
The audience began to titter at that crack, and the boss's eye began to twitch madly. I knew then that if somebody didn't stop them, things would kick off, and the boss would end up in jail again. Fortunately, before I was forced to dive in front of anyone, the judge's door burst open with a bang.
Everyone looked up as the oldest and wrinkliest lady I have ever seen ascended the steps to the judge's seat. It was Judge Chiyo from Sunagakure, as it turned out - chosen because, with all the media attention my trial had garnered over the past month or so, to maintain neutrality, an official from a third, uninvolved country was chosen to preside over affairs. Coincidentally, she happened to be Sasori's grandmother, which freaked me out a little, because I had always believed that Sasori wasn't born, but was the result of a genetics experiment gone horribly wrong.
Judge Chiyo sat down and observed Mitarashi, and then the boss, and proceeded to give them a rather hilarious dressing-down. I've never heard anyone talk to the boss like that before and get away with it!
"There will be no bollocking in my courtroom, you may be sure of that, Mitarashi-san," she announced in her strangely resonant old-lady voice. "And if you go anywhere near Orochimaru-kun's, I am afraid I shall be forced to go back on my decision regarding that restraining order..."
Anko sniffed angrily and flounced over to the prosecution table followed by jeers from the more vocal Akatsuki Group higher-ups.
"You wanna feel his maaaaan-bits, you wanna feel his maaaaan-bits!" Tobi sung, while Kakuzu and Kisame decided to hop on the popcorn ballistics bandwagon. But not for long was this circus to last...
"And YOU!" she boomed, whipping round and pointing an accusing finger at the offending offenders in the gallery. "Sasori!" she commanded. "Shut them up!"
Sasori blinked, and hesitated.
This was a mistake.
"Idiot boy, are you deaf?" she screeched. "I said shut them up! Give them a good clip around the ears."
"But, granny..."
"Are you disobeying me, Sasori-chan?" she whispered, lowering her voice and fixing her grandson with a flinty glare.
"N-no..."
"Then do it!" she hissed, guilt-tripping Sasori in the way that only a grandmother could. "Go on, get them out of here! I don't want to see your nasty, little friends loitering around my court causing trouble—"
"But, granny—"
"OUT!" she screeched, throwing her hands in the air, indicating that her grandmotherly word was Final with a capital F.
Sasori sighed and promptly knocked Deidara and Tobi's heads together and confiscated the popcorn. Everyone watched as Deidara threw a tantrum and was dragged, kicking and screaming from the gallery. Resoundly humiliated by an old lady, the rest of the Akatsuki mob sauntered out, throwing Chiyo filthy looks as they did so. When the door slammed shut, she smiled and turned her attention to the boss.
"And you, Orochimaru-kun," she said with a mischievous smile, "no matter how much of a big-shot you've become - just remember that I knew you when you were a chubby, little monkey bouncing around in a baby grow."
I had to bite my lip to keep from giggling at this point, and the boss caught my eye and glared at me. I think Jiraiya and Tsunade were thinking along the same lines as me, because I could hear them choking trying to suppress a chortle.
"And I knew your mother and father!" she went on, waving a stern finger at the boss. "Good people they were, too. Why, it was a wonder they didn't spank your bottom when I came to visit and found you out in the back garden sucking on a slug. Maybe that's why you're such a spoiled brat..."
By this time, the boss was staring stonily at his feet, and Jiraiya and Tsunade had almost collapsed on the floor with laughter.
"Now go and sit yourself down, Orochimaru-kun, and stop creating a fuss. From what I have gathered from the evidence given to me by your smarmy little crony, Yakushi-san, this fiasco will be over very shortly."
His jaw rigid with anger, the boss turned on his heel and swept back to his seat, determinedly not looking at Jiraiya and Tsunade who were already nudging and taunting with gusto. I would have laughed, but Judge Chiyo then turned her terrifying attentions on me.
"Uchiha Sasuke!" she called out, peering about her. "Where are you?"
I stood, rigid, to attention and , "Here, Chiyo-baa-sama!"
"Good," she said, nodding and stroking her chin thoughtfully. "I like knowing who I'm speaking to." She paused and then said, in an official manner: "Uchiha Sasuke, you are accused of assault occasioning actual bodily harm to one Tanaka Jin, of Konoha. How do you plead?"
I replied, calmly and respectfully, "Not guilty."
First of all: Fear me, for I am mighty. Not only did I pass my degree, but I got a bloody first! (I know... I still don't know how I did it, but I checked and they can't take it back). Woo and yay and such:-D I also cleared 200 lines in Tetris for the first time earlier this evening. I don't mind telling you that I felt a shade godly.
Second: Yes, I know. I'm cutting the trial in half. Partly because it was going to be epic, and partly because I didn't want you guys to have to wait any longer for an update. I apologise for the wait, by the way. Writers' block descended. I hope this chapter isn't rubbish as a result... :-(
Third: I think I've got some thanking to do! Oh yes... Zinjah (Cheers for the fave! And, yes, I am keeping quiet on the future sexual escapades front, as you know, but I'll leave you pondering upon canon Oro's snakeyness...), Simple-Minded Idiot (thanks for the review, again, and I'm sorry about the delay in updating. The whole Jin, 24, from Konoha thing is really just a dig at newpapers in general. You know, they always have the same format: name, age, location, like Cleetus, 35, from Alabama etc. Oh, and the Happy Hippy shower gel really does exist. It smells lovely and zesty!), Raspedra Twilight (lol! Getting one's toe trapped in a tap is definitely traumatising stuff (I should know... ahem), and I agree, Oro is a little too clever when it comes to the old expedient omission trick), danni quinn (oh! Good luck on your finals. I'm sure you'll do really well. Oh, and by the way, it is possible, it's just that you need to have really long arms...), fiore777 (I dunno, I'm thinking we'll be seeing Oro again at some point. Did someone say "final villain?" Dammit, I need to stop getting my hopes up! As for Sasuke's "fat arse" comment, well... everyone knows that Oro has some serious ghetto booty XD), Alix (are you psychic? If so, then get out of my head! Really, nothing gets past you. XD Though there's one little detail that's different from what you envision, though that will come in seventeen. I ain't telling! For the record, if we're doing the fly thing, I'm SO joining you...), and ArilianaFireQueen (Hmmm... Will rephrase. I meant that you have clearly absorbed Itachi's evil influence, if you are plotting against your siblings in such a manner. Deliberately making them addicted to console games? EVIL, I say!! This is because I know how they feel. Tetris is my vice at the moment. Friggin Tetris. Can't put it down.)