A Day in the Life
November 23rd
The trial didn't last too long after that...
As it is tradition in criminal trials for the prosecution to get the first bite of the banana, I was called up to the stand. I must say I felt a whole lot better that the ice had been broken and the sense of formality and impending doom had fallen away, and I sat down with my head held high. Mitarashi was standing square in front of me with her arms folded, grinning at me in a nasty way. I decided then that I would infuriate her by channelling Itachi, and observed her with a cold impassivity, thus letting her know that I was an Uchiha and, as such, generally better than her.
"So..." she began, jerking her head in the direction of Jin, 24, from Konoha. "Have you seen the state of this young man?"
She walked into that one, really she did.
"That's not very kind of you, Mitarashi-san," I replied smoothly. "He's not wholly unattractive."
A ripple of laughter passed among the assembled spectators and I allowed myself a small, innocent smile.
"That's enough, Uchiha-san," Judge Chiyo admonished from above, silencing the sniggering audience. "Carry on, Mitarashi-san."
I was careful to keep my expression perfectly neutral, but inside I was dancing for joy. She was riled already. I could see it by the way her cheeks flushed and her fingers started twitching. Perfect.
"You put him in that state, Uchiha-san!" she barked, hurling a finger at her bruised and battered client. "Do you deny it?"
I knew exactly what I was going to say, but I closed my eyes and pretended to think for a minute before I sighed and said, "That I do not deny."
"So you admit that you assaulted Tanaka-san?" Mitarashi asked, scathingly. "I'm surprised that you're willing to admit your wrongs, considering you're under the employ of one of the biggest, filthiest liars out there."
"I do not mean to impose, Mitarashi-san," I replied ever-so-courteously, "but I do not believe Orochimaru-sama has anything to do with my alleged misdemeanours. I would appreciate it if you did not let your personal grievances with him cloud your judgement, especially when the consequences could be so severe as to result in miscarriage of justice."
You know what? I should be a lawyer. I'd be great. No, make that the greatest. Why? I have no qualms about lying to save someone's sorry arse if they pay me enough, I can play a mean mind-game, I am a good speaker, I dress well, I am intelligent and I can get people to do whatever I want. Judging by the way I owned Mitarashi in the stand, I could go far. Hell, I could even go all the way and put old lady Chiyo out to pasture. I'd totally go for it, if it weren't for the fact that the boss is paying me a small fortune to do not very much at all.
"And I must stress that though I am undoubtedly the one who caused the injuries of Tanaka-san - and I apologise wholeheartedly - I did not intend to harm Tanaka-san. In fact," I added in a measured tone, "I was not even aware of having caused harm to him until my colleagues informed me, after I had awoken, that I had done so."
"And this would be your medical condition you are referring to, Uchiha-san?" Mitarashi said, stalking over to her table and picking up a manila folder.
"Yes."
"RBD?"
"Yes."
"I have a hold of your medical records, Uchiha-san, and it appears you haven't had an attack since you were nine years old," she said airily. "Your medical condition seems like a convenient excuse—"
"Objection!" Kabuto said, rising from his seat. "She is leading the witness."
"Overruled," Judge Chiyo said. "Carry on, Anko."
I composed myself and smiled serenely. "Ah, but if you had looked a little more closely at my medical records, you would have noted the salient fact that after my last attack, my GP provided me with a long-term prescription of medicine to suppress my condition."
Mitarashi raised an eyebrow at me and smiled nastily.
"Then strictly speaking your supposed attack should not have happened," she said.
I hesitated. She was right. The medicine should have suppressed any bouts of sleepy limb-flailing. It usually did. I couldn't think of what to say in rebuttal - my mind went blank - but luckily Kabuto coughed surreptitiously and stood up.
"Permission to answer for my client as a qualified medical doctor with prior, professional experience of this particular drug," he said, inclining his head politely.
"Permission granted," Judge Chiyo said.
"It is possible," Kabuto said, "that the effects of the drug may be counteracted or, indeed, overridden, as a result of recent emotional stress. Sasuke may very well have suffered from a period of psychological trauma prior to his attack."
"Very well then," Anko said, beginning to pace, "had you suffered any sort of emotional stress prior to your attack?"
My mind instantly flashed back to the night at Jiraiya's 50th birthday bash when I got horrendously drunk and woke up next to the boss in bed the next morning. I took a deep breath and prepared myself to lie as convincingly as possible, because Itachi was sitting on the witness bench with Naruto, Suigetsu, Gen'yumaru, Amachi, Karin and some other people I didn't know - probably cabin crew. He was watching me intently. The boss was also watching me, though he seemed a little worried, and I wasn't sure why.
"Of course," I replied smoothly. "I mean, I had just recently uprooted from Konoha, my home town, moved to a completely different country, quit my old job which I had held for a very long time, and transferred to a higher-powered job in another company. I suppose I didn't think it bothered me at the time... Perhaps I was wrong. Also, the night before the party - oh, I'm rather embarrassed to admit this," I added coyly, feigning shame, "but I watched a film called Snakes on a Plane with Naruto and some friends. It scared the living daylights out of me, and... well... when I accidentally punched Tanaka-san... I was fending off snakes."
This earned another giggle from the audience. That was good. I had got them on side with that laugh.
Anko seemed convinced by this. Well... maybe "convinced" isn't quite the right word, because she rolled her eyes and said, "no further questions. Let's crack out the witnesses. "
As I returned to my seat, feeling quite pleased with myself, the boss caught my eye and winked. I winked back and sat down to watch Mitarashi humiliate herself trying to interrogate my brother, my friend and my colleagues. She tried hard to find a shred of evidence against me, bless her, but my defence was watertight. The incident where I kicked Itachi out of bed was gone over repeatedly, the ill-starred camping trip with Naruto was examined in startling detail (she even had the receipt for Naruto's dental work) and the Snakes on a Plane, and the ins-and-outs of the actual incident discussed ad nauseum with Suigetsu, Karin, Gen'yumaru and Amachi. The highlight of this part of the trial was Suigetsu's retardedly hilarious reconstruction of the incident, complete with wild gestures and sound-effects:
"Yeah, and he was banging and banging on the canopy real loud and screaming weird random shit, and we were just sitting talking in our pods, like, 'what the fuck?' and Karin called the cabin crew and that guy Jin came with those two girls. Then they unlocked Sasuke and he totally rushed out and he his eyes were rolling and he was drooling and everything and he went "WoooOOOOOOOooooOOOOoooOOOOoooughhh...". His arms were everywhere, man, it was unreal. He almost slapped me too, but he didn't, he punched that other guy and he floored him. Totally out of it, man. Didn't know what he was doing. Only woke up when we pinned him down and splashed Gen's wine over his face, and he had no idea what he'd done. Totally insane. Funny as fuck, though..."
It when Kabuto's turn to cross-examine the witnesses for the defence came that everything went downhill. I was later to learn that the bastard had it all planned out from the beginning, but at the time, I was so shocked that I just couldn't think - let alone get my brain into gear to put two and two together in order to suspect anyone of anything.
He called Itachi to the stand and questioned him briefly before letting him go. He did the same to Suigetsu, Karin, Amachi and Gen'yumaru in turn before he came to Naruto. All credit to him, he did play a subtle game, asking Naruto about the camping trip first and only then moving on to the emotional stress post-birthday bash. He asked Naruto all-too-casually (now that I look back on it), "So, Naruto-kun. Do you have any reason to believe that Sasuke would have experienced any emotional stress shortly before his flight back to Otogakure?"
Oh. Holy. Hell. On a stick and covered with chocolate fucking sauce.
As soon as I heard those words come out of Kabuto's dirty, scheming mouth, my palms began to sweat. Naruto, you see, is one of those rare people whose pure, innocent virtue transcends all notions self-preservation and practicality. In other words, he cannot and will not lie - not even to save himself, or, more importantly, me. An examples from our childhood, perhaps, will illustrate this most incredibly stupid attitude to ethics and morality:
Having decided that we didn't have the time to study, Sakura and I conspired to cheat on our maths quiz, and, foolishly, we let Naruto in on the game (we took pity on him because he was always just scraping by). During lunch-break while Sakura kept a look-out for Iruka-sensei, Naruto and I sneaked into the classroom, found the test paper, copied the answers and put paper back in the exact place we found it. When we all came out of the test with perfect scores the next day, Iruka-sensei accused us of cheating. He had absolutely no evidence against us because we purposefully came up with different ways of working out the problems to avoid accusations of cheating - and we were all sitting in different parts of the classroom. Nevertheless, he made us stay behind after class and sat watching us in silence, trying to get us to crack. It didn't take long. Within minutes, Naruto had hyperventilated, broken down and, as a result, ended up tearfully revealing our grand scheme. We got two weeks of detention and a terse note sent home to our families.
Like I said, he cannot lie - and Kabuto knew this. How, I do not know. But he did. And he took advantage.
"Errrr..." Naruto began, his cheeks already flushing, "well, Kakashi did make him watch that movie. It would be pretty scary if you're afraid of snakes, heh heh."
"Hmmm..." Kabuto said, pacing the floor in front of the stand, "yes, I suppose you're right, Naruto-kun. It would be pretty scary. Though, are you sure nothing else happened that night at the party?"
"Well, I kinda broke Sasuke's arm," he said sheepishly, scratching his head. "But that was an accident."
"Ahh, yes, of course," Kabuto said, smiling the small, smug smile of a serial plotter. "That would have contributed, naturally. But did you see Sasuke after the party at all?"
At this point, I was desperately trying to make eye contact with Naruto, making frantic eyebrow gestures while trying to keep an eye on Itachi. His head was tilted slightly to one side, and he was fidgeting with his lips and watching Naruto closely. Too closely.
"Errrr... well... yeah, I did see him after the party," Naruto said hesitantly.
"Did you see anyone else?" Kabuto asked, casually observing his fingernails.
Naruto hesitated and his face flushed bright red. He finally caught my eye. I gave him an imploring look and put the palms of my hands together, pleading with him to be dishonest for once in his damn life. Naruto looked as though he was about to cry.
"I- I saw Orochimaru-sama," he said.
"Oh?" Kabuto said, feigning surprise. "And what was Orochimaru-sama doing there?"
At this point, Judge Chiyo made an attempt to interrupt Kabuto's ruthless exploitation of the innocent by asking where his line of questioning was going, but Kabuto interrupted her - actually interrupted her, he must've really wanted this to happen the way he'd planned it - held up his hand and said, "A moment, Chiyo-baa-sama, that is all I ask of you. Go ahead, Naruto-kun."
Naruto's mouth started squirming uncomfortably in his seat, and I looked round in time to see Itachi narrow his eyes suspiciously. I started to feel a little faint. There was nothing I could do. Nothing. I couldn't drag either Itachi or Naruto away, and neither could I find a way to stop the trial by setting off the fire-alarm or something else inane like that. I was tied to the metaphorical railway line and the bullet-train, driven by an insane and jealous Kabuto, was coming straight for me.
"No," I mouthed silently to Naruto. "No, no no..."
"He... He... " Naruto began, his mouth working furiously in agitation, "... he came round to give Sasuke back his underpants."
A hush fell over the court, over participants and spectators alike. Suddenly, all eyes were on me and I felt hundreds of shocked gazes boring into the back of my head. I was sitting between Gai and Lee and I could feel them edging away from me. My hands gripped the arms of my chair and I stared straight at Naruto, willing him to look at me. He did, and my heart sunk as he mouthed the words, "I'm sorry."
Then Kabuto dropped the death bomb. He closed his eyes, smiled and asked,
"Can you recall, Naruto-kun, why Orochimaru-sama had Sasuke's underwear in his possession?"
My hands went to my mouth and I closed my eyes, readying myself for the final blow. It was just like math class all over again. Naruto had broken out into a cold sweat and he was almost hyperventilating.
"Please, Naruto..." I whispered. "Please don't..."
With his eyes screwed tight shut, twisting the cuff of his jacket in both hands, Naruto sealed my fate and squeaked out, "B-because Sasuke had stayed the night in Oro's room and he forgot them."
My head fell into my hands as the world collapsed around me. There was another ponderous silence, broken only by a single, terrifyingly familiar voice.
"How long?" Itachi said forcefully.
I did not - could not - look at him. I just sat there at the table with my head in my hands, shaking. When he was met with silence, Itachi repeated, with greater vehemence, "How long, Sasuke?"
I took a deep, shuddering breath and raised my head to meet my brother's gaze. It wasn't pretty. There was fire in his eyes, I swear to god. His body was trembling slightly as he tried to suppress his rage, and his nostrils were flaring alarmingly.
"Over a month," I said quietly. "Since that night at Jiraiya's party."
Itachi fell silent for a long moment and stared at his hands, appearing to consider something. Then there was a blur, and the next second he was haring up the aisle towards the boss. There was a frantic scuffle, followed by an indignant yell and another and yet another as the boss trod on toes and tripped over handbags trying to get away from an enraged Itachi.
The courtroom was laid out so that a central aisle ran down the middle with two smaller ones next to the walls at the outer edges. The boss, huffing and panting, had managed to escape to the relative safety of the wall aisle. Itachi was standing opposite him in the central aisle, his fingers twitching madly as though he would have loved nothing more than to wrap them round the boss's neck and squeeze. They both looked at one another, then the boss's eyes darted towards the exit. He started to make a run for it, but Itachi ran too. He jogged back into position and tried again. Itachi mirrored his every move, blocking his only exit. This ridiculous dance went on for several more cycles until Judge Chiyo felt the need to assert her authority and intervene. She attempted to call security, but not one of the snivelling cowards would go for either Itachi or the boss. She tried screaming at them to sit down under threat of arrest, but the boss wasn't stupid enough to comply and Itachi was too consumed by fury to listen to anyone. Heads in the audience were switching from left to right, left to right, following the heated exchange. No wonder. It was like something out of a bloody soap-opera.
"You... you pederast!" Itachi howled, hurling an accusing finger in the direction of the boss.
"Itachi," the boss said, raising both hands in the air in a conciliatory gesture, "just calm down and I can explain..."
"Explain?" Itachi roared. "There is nothing to explain! You have taken advantage of my brother, you... you... you scoundrel!"
"Itachi—"
"And no doubt you were engaging in... in sexual activities with my brother while he was in Konoha having his plaster cast removed as well?" Itachi said viciously.
"I was in the towel cupboard," the boss said with a smirk, clearly no longer caring whether he drove Itachi to murder.
Itachi's eye began to twitch madly and I knew that if I didn't say something, he would do something incredibly stupid. I know my brother. He would clamber over and injure any number of innocent spectators in a court room to get what he wanted. I couldn't let that happen.
"Itachi... please," I began, balking when my brother's head snapped round in my direction like something out of The Exorcist. "I... I mean... He didn't take advantage. We were both drunk and... He was going to walk away but I invited him back in..."
"You invited him back in?" Itachi said slowly, looking at me in utter disbelief.
"Yes, I—"
"You invited him back in?"
My brother turned back to confront the boss about this revelation to find he had already taken the opportunity to sneak halfway up the aisle. The boss made a dash for it, but Itachi caught up with him again.
"You..." he seethed, his eyes glittering with malice, "you got him drunk just to get him into bed, didn't you?"
"Oh I wouldn't say that," the boss said, grinning. "He was already legless and it was none of my doing. We had a nice philosophical chat by the lake in the moonlight and things sort of took off from there. He's absolutely fantastic, Itachi, and contrary to what rubbish you were trying to feed him, I wouldn't change him for the world - and I don't mind admitting that in front of a room full of people."
Itachi closed his eyes and turned his face skyward. Then he lowered his head, opened his eyes and said menacingly, "take that back."
The boss smirked and said, "Why should I? I meant every word."
"Take it back," he began coldly, preparing to roll up his sleeves, "or I swear I'll—"
Itachi trailed off mid-sentence as something rather disturbing up in the gallery caught his eye. Every head in the audience followed his gaze.
"Hidan..." he said, taking a step backward. "Hidan, no..."
Standing tall up in the gallery was, indeed, Hidan. An aura of batshit insane righteousness radiated from him as though in waves, and I noticed, to my horror, that he was dressed in full ceremonial Jashin regalia. What most people would have noticed immediately, however, (apart from the fact that a complete nutter had clearly infiltrated the court building) was the huge, fucking scythe he had strapped to his back.
"I cannot stand for this any longer, Itachi," he announced, unsheathing his scythe with the spine-tingling scrape of metal against metal. "They think they are fit to judge? They are wrong. WRONG!!"
"Hidan," Itachi said, attempting to calm his colleague down, "please think about what you are about to do, because—"
"Lord Jashin judges!" Hidan bellowed, clearly not listening to Itachi, perhaps because the voices had taken over. "He is the judge and the jury! The alpha and the omega! The ultimate being! This is an illusion of justice! You have no authority!"
Then the fire alarm started ringing - a shrill, strident clanging that made my fillings in my teeth twinge - and smoke began to curl under the door to the main courtroom. Hidan began to cackle madly and everyone started screaming and running for the door. The security team finally sprung into action in order to apprehend the Jashin miscreant, and as they did, the boss took advantage of the chaos and sprinted down the aisle and grabbed my hand. We followed Judge Chiyo out through the antechamber, and as we were about to leave, I looked back just in time to hear Hidan screaming "JASHIIIIIIIIIIIN" as he raised his scythe above his head and took a running leap from the gallery into the fray.
The whole place was filling with smoke, and when we emerged from the court building, the fire-brigade were already rolling out the hoses. Police cars came screeching up the drive and a S.W.A.T. team had been assembled - presumably to take out Hidan. We were all told to stand back - and it was lucky, too, because the next minute, Hidan came charging out, swinging his scythe, laughing hysterically.
A swarm of policemen followed in hot pursuit, saying things like, "ten-four, ten-four, the suspect is heading towards the car park, we need back-up, I repeat, we need back-up!"
Then Itachi emerged, smelling of smoke and looking a little frazzled. He spotted me instantly and sprinted towards me. I cringed, thinking he was going to punch the boss, but he stopped about a foot away and said grimly, "Your car, Sasuke. Give me the keys. Now."
"But why—?" I began, cutting myself off as Hidan came hurting round the corner with a great screech in Kisame's beloved Mini Cooper.
Kisame could be heard screaming from a distance, "My car! My car! That's my fucking car! He's ruining the brakes! Oh god, he's ruining the brakes, and he's not even in gear!"
Without another word, I tossed the keys to Itachi and watched as he ran off to the car park along with the rest of his Akatsuki mob. Less than a minute later, my beloved Aston Martin shot round the corner after Hidan and out of sight. I know it really wasn't mine to begin with... but I will miss it deeply. I shall endure, and mourn its loss in silence. Thank god I didn't give the thing a name, otherwise I'd be inconsolable.
After that, the boss and I sat down on the grass and watched the fire-fighters. Naruto, Jiraiya, Sakura and Tsunade found us and came over to make sure we were okay. Then the Otogakure gang wandered over, including Kabuto. By this time, I had become very much aware of his sordid, little plot to expose me, and I had sworn that the next time I saw him, I would have it out with him.
"You..." I snarled. "You did that on purpose, didn't you? Didn't you?"
Kabuto didn't answer, and he just looked at me as though I was something warm and smelly stuck to the bottom of his shoe. Needless to say, this only served to exacerbate the situation, and I lunged for him. The boss grabbed me with both hands around the waist, and held me back. Everyone was watching, but I didn't much care. I struggled for a moment against him, and I heard him hiss in my hear, "I will have words with him, Sasuke-kun. You will calm down, go back to the hotel and wait for me there. I will not be long, I promise you, and I will sort this out once and for all."
I struggled for a little while longer, unable to bear the sight of Kabuto's impassive yet still irritatingly smug face staring back at me. Eventually, though, I fell limp in the boss's arms and he released me.
"Go back to the hotel and get some rest, Sasuke-kun," he said quietly. "I will join you shortly."
Then he beckoned Kabuto, and began walking away in the direction of a nearby bench. "Come here," he said calmly. "I would like a word with you, Kabuto-kun."
Without even the slightest glance at anyone, Kabuto followed and the two sat down on the bench. Already I could hear Kabuto raising his voice agitatedly, and I wanted to go over there and smash his face in, but Suigetsu and the others bundled me into one of the black sedans and took me back to the hotel. There wasn't much talk on the way there, and to be honest, it was incredibly awkward. Well, that was until Suigetsu nudged me and said, with a cheeky grin, "I totally knew you were his type."
I laughed weakly and Suigetsu laughed too. So did the others, and I realised then that they really didn't care that I was seeing the boss. It felt strangely liberating to know that. Gen'yumaru said that he had been wondering why it had taken the boss so long, and Amachi winked and said that he had known all along. Karin was strangely silent on the subject, but she was smiling, so I guess she didn't mind much either.
The walk to the lobby was marked by a fair amount of good-natured teasing, and I tolerated it, mainly out of relief, but also because I was exhausted. Only a few hours had passed, but I had traversed from one emotional extreme to the other and back again and I wanted nothing more than just to lie down and either scream into a pillow or weep. When we reached the lobby, however, I elected to remain there to wait for the boss. The others nodded, understanding the subtext (i.e. I was waiting to see whether he would be entering the hotel arm-in-arm with Kabuto), and they left me alone on the comfy sofas with a glossy, women's magazine.
It wasn't long before the boss and Kabuto returned. I saw the Rolls pulling up out the window and my stomach did another one of those little flip-flops. They came through the automatic doors, and though they weren't arm-in-arm, they weren't not speaking to each other either. Quickly, I put down my magazine and leaned over the arm of the sofa to get a better look. Unfortunately, I rather over-reached the mark and I ended up losing my balance and falling to the floor with a thump.
The boss and Kabuto looked around and spotted me immediately, red-faced and flustered, but before I could say anything, Kabuto approached me and took me by the arm, helping me up. I didn't know what to make of this, so I just stared at him suspiciously.
"Sasuke-kun," he said, "I'd like to apologise for my behaviour. It was deceitful and it was underhand." He sighed then, and ran a hand through his hair. "You know why I did it, though, don't you?" he said with a wry smile.
I nodded.
"Very well," he said. "As long as you understand. Orochimaru-sama and I have resolved matters now, and I must say that it is something of a relief that things are all out in the open."
I was about to reply and say that, yes, it was most definitely a relief, but Kabuto took my hand up in his and shook it, leaning forward to whisper in my ear.
"Good luck," he said, winking at me mysteriously before he headed off to the elevators and out of sight.
As I stood there, blinking owlishly, wondering what in the name of hell all that was about, then boss approached me with a smile.
"I thought I told you to get some rest, Sasuke-kun," he admonished gently, surveying me with amusement in his eyes.
"Well, now that you've decided to turn up, I just might do that," I retorted.
And so here we are in his room, sitting on the couch watching TV together. According to the live KN5 feed, Hidan is just about to reach the border to River Country. There's a big blockade, but I have no doubt that he'll manage to get round it with help from a few friends and a ridiculously fast car. The boss has fallen asleep in my lap, and I've braided his hair into lots of tiny plaits. It'll be all wavy when he wakes up - he's going to be furious. And I'll be able to shout back. In public.
I must say that I'm quite looking forward to it...
Finally! The trial has come to its conclusion. Well, I say "conclusion"... No verdict was actually reached, but you all know Sasuke's going to get off scot-free anyway.
I'm off to London tomorrow morning for a gig, so I must keep the comments brief - I'm already up too late - but I'd still like to thank everyone for the reviews and for sticking with this fic. It's getting more mental by the chapter, really it is - and it's not over yet! Sasuke was there for two and a half years, remember. I'll be doing a little bit of time-skipping, though, so from now on, it won't be every day of his life at Otogakure, but the interesting bits will be documented, I assure you.
Special thanks must go out to those who deserve all the positive adjectives applied to their names: the awesome qwertumz, the distinctly groovy loved birds, the simply amazing Raspedra Twilight, the utterly fantastic danni quinn, the brilliant ChibiKeimei, Zinjah the Mighty, fiore777, whose coolness transcends all notions of win and pwnage, the eternally wonderful Niver, the incredible Smash Turnip Girl (sounds like a super hero!), the truly marvellous SlythCommand (nice to see you around again! Where have you been:-D), the electric Voltra the Lively, and Alix: The one without Peer.
You guys are too cool. All the positive adjectives in the world do not do you justice. :-D
Now, I really should start packing...