A/N: So here's another little tidbit for you. These happen in a surprising amount of stories, although it is usually in Amuto ones. Then again, since the majority of stories in this fandom is made of Amuto, it's hardly surprising. Well... I think this turned out more pathetic than funny, but here goes.

~*~

The Futility of Kidnapping

Nagihiko burst through the doorway out onto the streets, running as fast as his legs could carry him. He had only one thought in mind: I have to save Rima. The note – it's always a note – had detailed the small blonde's capture and explained that unless they went to save her within an hour, she would be sentenced to the worst kind of torture. They must have done their research: Rima would never be able to survive that affliction. If he didn't save her, he was sure she would kill him later for making her go through that kind of ordeal. It wasn't fun when Rima took things out on him, so he had to save her. Saving her in time meant that he could save himself, and that was also fairly important.

He turned a corner and kept running. It took him fifteen more minutes to realise that he had no idea where they were holding her, where he was going or, in fact, where he even was. For some reason he thought that if he kept running randomly, he would chance upon their secret hideout soon enough and be able to save her. He realised at length that running around for fifteen minutes had managed to do nothing but was waste time and energy. Even if he did randomly find their hideout, at this rate he could do nothing more than wheeze at them.

He caught his breath and then wondered what he should do. He didn't recognise anything and kept imagining what kinds of horrible torture Rima would inflict upon him if he didn't turn up. He gulped and hoped against hope he would come up with something soon.

-------

Rima was gagged and tied to a chair, glaring at the men that had dared to do this to her. One of them watched the clock eagerly. When it struck an hour, the three of them turned and leered at her. One of the men tilted her chin up so that he could see her face clearly. His teeth were in obvious need of dental treatment and is breath smelled worse than a dog's. The worst thing about his horrid was his beady little eyes which glinted when he said, "Your hour's up, kiddo. Bring in... The Clowns," he said ominously.

Her eyes widened and her screams were muffled by the gag. They laughed cruelly, enjoying the tears of rage and terror in her eyes. The clowns waltzed in, all painted faces, baggy pants, oversized shoes and red noses. In their arms were cream pies, buckets of whitewash and ladders. Rima watched as the clowns started knocking each other over with the ladders and landing in the buckets and getting pies thrown at their faces. It was too much. She couldn't take it anymore.

Then, Rima snapped.

-------

Nagihiko threw open the doors, ten minutes late, ready to barge in and save Rima from the horrors of Bad Clowns. The sight that greeted him caused him to step back in fear.

Three grown men were piled up, unconscious on the floor, as were several clowns. Rima, having Character Transformed into Clown Drop, was slowly advancing on a terrified jester, bowling pin held threateningly. They whimpered and tried to scamper backwards, only to have their retreat blocked by the wall. They threw their arms over their face protectively, tears washing some of the face paint away.

"P-please spare me! I-I have a wife and t-two kids!" he begged pitifully, cowering as Rima continued to press on unmercifully.

"Then repeat after me," she said, eyes blazing furiously. "I will re-educate you. Cream pies are outdated."

"C-cream pies are outdated," he blubbered, swallowing painfully.

"Ladders are idiotic," she continued.

"Ladders are i-idiotic." He was whimpering now, his whole way of life being overturned by one small slip of a girl. One small slip of a girl who had overpowered nine other grown men, h reminded himself.

"Whitewash is pitiful." Her eyes narrowed as the man hesitated. "I don't hear you. I thought you had a family that needed you?" she asked sweetly.

"Y-yes, of course, but..."

"Then say it," she hissed. "Whitewash is pitiful."

"W-whitewash is... pitiful," he repeated reluctantly.

"Large shoes are ridiculous and overrated."

The clown under re-education closed his eyes as he repeated this sacrilegious line. "Large shoes are r-ridiculous and overrated." More tears coursed down his cheeks as he prepared himself for the next blow against clownhood.

"Baggy trousers are in no way, shape or form amusing." She watched unsympathetically as he trembled, breathing heavy.

"B-baggy trousers are... in no way, shape or f-form... amusing," he said, clutching at his head. A sob escaped his lips.

"Painted faces are frightening, not comical," she pushed forward forcefully, ignoring the wail of despair. When he shook his head, she raised an eyebrow and drew back the arm holding the pin. "I guess your family will have to..."

"No!" he said abruptly. "I-I'll do it." He swallowed again and clenched his hands. "P-painted faces are f-frightening, not... c-comical."

"And finally," announced Rima, her voice coloured with triumph, "red noses are unnecessary."

"No! Not the nose!" he cried. "I'll do anything else! Please!"

Rima readjusted her grip on her weapon so that she could fling them at his head in a moment's notice. "You have one last chance. Red noses are unnecessary." When the man didn't repeat those words, she stepped forward and -

"R-red noses are... u-unnecessary," he gasped in resignation. His eyes clenched shut as he waited for the God of Clowning to smite him for his insolence. When no mighty thunderbolts or cream pies came down from the sky, he gingerly opened one eye and looked up to see Rima's outstretched hand.

"Good, good," she crooned. "Now all that's left is for you to hand over the nose," she instructed. The shaking man slowly slipped it off his head and handed it over, tears gushing down his cheeks unchecked. Then, emotionally exhausted, he fainted dead away. Rima straightened and threw the nose away before whirling around and rounding on Nagihiko who had witnessed it all.

"And you," she said menacingly, pointing the bowling pins at him this time, "you're late!"

"Yes, but I can explain," pleaded the boy.

"Oh, really?" said Rima doubtfully, keeping her weapon trained on him just in case she needed to let out more of her anger. She could see the fear in his eyes.

"Uh-huh. You see, I was lost..."

"You were lost," she echoed flatly. He nodded hopefully. "You were lost?!" There went the hope.

"Well, you see, I thought that I could find you if I just ran..."

"You made me actually physically exercise because you were being, well, stupid?" she demanded. "If I'd known, I'd have beat these morons up a long time ago instead of being stuck tied to a chair and gagged for an hour. 'Lost' doesn't cover it."

"How was I supposed to know where to go?" he demanded, crossing his arms.

"I don't know. How did you get here, then?" she asked.

Nagihiko suddenly turned sheepish. "I... I asked for directions," he admitted.

"You... what?"

"I asked some random old lady 'hey, do you know where anybody would likely keep a short, blonde girl hostage and force her to watch clowns?' and she told me to come straight here," explained Nagihiko, still a little bit confused himself.

Rima took a moment to gather her thoughts. "Well, why does it have to be you here?" she asked pointedly. "Where's Amu and everyone else?"

He shuffled awkwardly. "Well, as far as I know, some people tried to capture Utau to trap Kukai and she's beating them up right now, they had trapped Nikaido because he kinda bumped into them so Sanjou is beating them up and Nikaido is looking for his glasses, they got Yaya while she was with Kairi so he's busy rescuing her and giving her candy, and they trapped Tadase to get Amu so Kukai and Amu are going to save him. Oh, and Ikuto is sleeping."

"I don't care about that thief anyhow," she said dismissively, "but why couldn't you go with Kukai to save Tadase and Amu come here? I'm sure she wouldn't have been lost."

Nagihiko scratched the back of his head in thought. Finally, he said "W-well, I think that the author used this as a plot device since they wanted us to overcome one final challenge and then have a happily ever after."

"What?" Rima spluttered. "But that's ridiculous! All that's happened in this story is that we think about each other, confess to each other, have one over-the-top-perfect date, and have a misunderstanding and angst a lot! And then I'm kidnapped for some inexplicable reason!"

Nagihiko nodded thoughtfully. "Yes, I think I was supposed to realise that I couldn't live without you and that our misunderstandings are trivial and that we could work through them together," he said casually.

"What are we, freaks?" she asked the world in general. "People die, people disappear: move on! I'm not some pathetic little parasite that would slowly dry out if some stupid guy weren't nearby! I have a life! I'm not Bella Swan!" she proclaimed. (Oh, whoops did I really type Bella Swan? My bad!)

"Good, because honestly I'm not sure any guy that wasn't some fossilised vampire would be willing to go out with such a clingy, desperate, lifeless and leech-like girl," said Nagihiko approvingly. "Besides, I don't sparkle."

"But you still left me to watch those stupid clowns and do exercise," Rima reminded him. In fact, her anger was starting to rise again.

"Meep," squeaked Nagihiko.

~*~

A/N: So the villain kidnaps the partner and love interest to get to the main character. Well, there are several things wrong with that. One, the SC girls know how to take care of themselves. Two, why doesn't anybody else save them or even just help the main character save them? Three, the hero shouldn't know where the hideout is straight off the bat without being told. Four, just because somebody does save them doesn't mean that they have to be in love. You can save friends. And five, it's simply not very creative and sometimes it doesn't even work with the story. It's often used as a plot device.