A/N: Um... I usually have something to say here, but I really can't think of much. This is basically just here due to habit. So... thank you everyone? I do mean it, it's just... I thought I was a more interesting person than this? I guess not then, huh? Well, enough about me, on with the chapter!

~*~

Gay Equals Happiness

"You're gay?" four pre-pubescent boys exclaimed in shock.

"Okay, and that'll be two dollars please," replied the eighteen-year-old in a monotone. He glanced up to see them staring at him in confusion. Looking back down, he realised that he was on the wrong page of the script. Muttering a "sorry", he flipped through the pages hurriedly before alighting on the correct one.

"You're gay?" they repeated wearily.

He cleared his throat before reading in a monotone, without taking in a single word of what he was saying, "Yes. I am in love with Tadase/Kukai/Nagihiko/Yuu/Yoru and nothing will ever change how I feel." The other four all shuddered. Some sense of self-preservation kicked in and he re-read those words quickly, eyes widening. "Wait, hang on..."

"Oh no, how tragic," read Tadase, a puzzled frown on his face, "I used to be in love with you and only dated Amu to make you jealous, but then I thought that you were in love with Amu so I let you two be together. I am now in love with and devoted to... Kukai?" Horror was evident in his voice.

"But I am in love with the memory of Nadeshiko, which means that, in a roundabout way, I'm in love with Nagihiko..." Kukai was too busy gagging to read on.

Ikuto was still reeling from the line he had read. "But you're all around twelve! I would go to jail!" he protested.

"But I have fallen in love with... um... it says Kairi, but that can't be right, can it?" asked Nagihiko, scratching the back of his head.

"And I can't be in love with Yoru! He's a part of me!" continued Ikuto. "And Yuu... that's just sick! He's a married man, for Chara's sake!"

Kairi adjusted his glasses. "Oh, how are we to solve this complicated love tangle?" he intoned.

"And who the hell is Nagihiko anyways?" Ikuto demanded.

"That's me," he volunteered. "My, uh... sister once tried to kill you in a kitchen."

"Anyhow, this is ridiculous!" exclaimed Tadase, flipping through the script frantically. "We're not even teenagers yet! Is some of this even physically possible?" He squinted at some of the stage directions.

All their ranting was interrupted when a voice permeated their minds without going through the usual route via the ears. Just read the script. They all winced at the unbelievable amount of power behind those soundless words. They could feel their wills weakening by the second.

"Who said that?" wondered Nagihiko. "Or... well, not said but... whatever."

I am... a Fanfic Author! It announced. One who lurves Ikudase!

"What?" Tadase was even more confused.

Just read the script! The non-voice ordered somewhat grumpily.

Unable to resist, they continued the slow self-torture. It was Tadase's line again.

"I do not know, but I feel betrayed by Kukai's admitted love for Nagihiko," he started reluctantly.

Ikuto tried to fight back against the unseen and unrelenting force. "Then..." he said, sounding strangled, "come back mmph mmnh." He'd resorted to biting his lip to keep from saying the appalling words.

Say it,the Author threatened, or else.

Ikuto had wanted to say 'or else what? Nothing could be worse than this' but when he opened his mouth, what came out was "Then come back to me Tadase-koi, my love. I do not care what anybody else says, I will always love you."

"I... I love you too, Ikuto-koi," he replied to his own dismay. "I will never leave you again."

Kyaa! Kawaii! The Author squealed, sounding as though they were of the feminine persuasion.

"And do you, Nagihiko, accept my -" Kukai broke down into coughs in a desperate attempt to avoid what he knew was coming next.

What are you doing? You're standing in the way of my creativity! It is my right! My style! You must not criticise an author's way of writing, the non-voice almost wailed. Just say it!

Kukai regretted that coughs could not last forever. "Do you accept my confession of true love?" he choked out.

"But I think I am in love with Kairi," he answered despondently.

"But I am straight," Kairi said, substantially relieved. The others shot him dark glares, wishing that they were in his position.

"Gasp," said Ikuto venomously, wishing that he could act on his urge to tear the script apart.

"You traitor," said Kukai half-heartedly, "how could you?"

Tadase's eyebrows furrowed as he tried to figure out what his line meant. "... Shun?"

"Yeah, we'll all live happily ever after without you and your narrow-minded ways," said Ikuto, his words laced with contempt. However, rather than being directed at Kairi, the contempt was aimed at the sentence itself.

Kairi managed to break free from the control for a moment to say, "Wait a moment! Just because you're straight doesn't mean you're narrow-minded when it comes to hom -"

Silence!the voice shouted desperately, Do not contradict me! I am a Fanfiction Author, which means that I have the right – no, the duty to use and abuse you any way I could possibly imagine. The characters are not supposed to talk back. They're not supposed to think. When I say jump, you ask 'how high?' got it?

"Jump? You mean the one with the manga...?" asked Ikuto.

You be quiet, insolent fool! You're all nothing but pretty faces anyway. Nobody wants to read about your personality! You'd never get any reviews that way! And I need reviews! If I don't get reviews, that must mean my story's bad! Horrible! Disgusting! it said, sounding rather hysterical. Especially you, Ikuto! You're nothing but some pretty-boy to pair up with Amu or Tadase or some OC! Love you, hate you, nobody cares about your actual character by itself!

"Ouch," said Kukai sympathetically, "But you gotta admit that it's kinda true."

Now make some Ikudase happen!the Fanfiction Author ordered.

The future looked bleak for the boys as their mouths automatically opened against their will and they could do nothing but send each other utterly hopeless looks. They were mere pawns being mercilessly controlled by a higher power. And it seemed nothing could change that terrible fact. No, in fact people seem to be encouraging this kind of character abuse with the reviews of 'OMG! That waz soooooo hawt' (since nobody knows how to spell hot without a W... or two Ts) or 'ur a grate riter u shud continu dis cuz u mak it so reilstik' (it might take a few moments to work out what the last word means) or even 'IKUDASE!! You r a GOD tank you! I wuv youre storiez1 dey rul!' (which appears on every story with a focus on a romantic pairing. Except with Yuukari. Nobody cares about Yuukari).

So the torture continues until somebody puts their foot down and decides hey, maybe we should give those creeps some genuine constructive criticism? To which they'll respond 'gasp, u flamres jus dun unnersatn us an oor wuv fer de cupl an u al sux bad boo ur fat an ugly an hav no freinds! meenie!'

And do you know that they'd be right about one thing? I don't understand them. Their grammar and spelling skills frighten me. And trust me; they get a lot worse than this. That sentence was me being nice and trying to spare whoever bothers to read this from the horror. So, now that we have gotten sufficiently off-topic from unrealistic homosexuality to appalling reviews, um... uh... *runs away since first person was used in an originally third person story, especially since first person in a story is a novelty and had never been used before this by the author*

~*~

A/N: Don't get me wrong, I'm fine with yaoi... when it's done well. Unfortunately, it almost never is. It's never realistic, nothing makes sense. Then again, that does apply to most stories that aren't yaoi, so I guess... But anyhow, just know that since the characters would never, ever naturally turn gay, you should do more than just throw the characters together and force them to confess to each other, regardless of anything or anyone else. Unless you give an astoundingly good reason. So there.